


Finding Her Patronus

by AWideEyedPhoenix84



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 'Til Death Do Us Part, Abandonment, Aftermath of Violence, Age Difference, Aggression, Animagus, Apologies, Battle of Hogwarts, Bigotry & Prejudice, Canon Compliant, Character Death, Childbirth, Department of Mysteries, Depression, Drunken Confessions, Everlasting Love, F/M, Falling In Love, Full Moon, Good versus Evil, Grief/Mourning, Headcanon, I Solemnly Swear That I Am Up To No Good, Light Bondage, Loneliness, Marriage, Marriage Proposal, Metamorphmagus, Nightmares, Oral Sex, Parenthood, Past Sexual Assault, Pregnant Sex, Pureblood Politics (Harry Potter), Reconciliation Sex, Recreational Drug Use, Revenge, Roleplay, Romantic Angst, Sex, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Soulmates, Star-crossed, Suicidal Thoughts, This Story Is Taking Over My Life, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Torture, Tragic Romance, True Love, Undercover Missions, Unplanned Pregnancy, Werewolf Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:15:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 58
Words: 155,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22267771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AWideEyedPhoenix84/pseuds/AWideEyedPhoenix84
Summary: After the events of Prisoner of Azkaban, Albus Dumbledore and Remus Lupin reach out to known supporters to begin planning a defense against the inevitable return of Voldemort. Among the new recruits is a colorful young witch named Nymphadora Tonks, who is paired with Lupin for her first official mission, and the two hit it off immediately.Canon compliant. Slooooow burn, because Remus is a shy and complicated man. Rated E for language and eventual sexy times.
Relationships: Remus Lupin & Nymphadora Tonks, Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks
Comments: 243
Kudos: 211





	1. We're Putting the Band Back Together

**July 8, 1994 ******

“Hello Alastor. I trust you are well?”

********

Mad-Eye Moody froze at the sound of a very familiar voice. He turned around slowly to find Albus Dumbledore standing before him, with Remus Lupin at his side. 

********

“Oh, fuck,” Moody grumbled. Moody lived in a small house near Durness, perched on a cliff overlooking a rocky shore below. He didn’t get a lot of visitors, and he liked it that way. His yard was overgrown, the roof in need of some repairs, but he enjoyed the quiet and relative seclusion that its location usually provided him.

********

“Aren’t you going to invite us inside?” Dumbledore asked with a smile, unaffected by Moody’s less-than-enthusiastic greeting.

********

A few moments later, the three men were sitting around Moody’s kitchen table. Dumbledore and Lupin had begrudgingly been offered drinks, while Moody had always preferred to just drink straight from his own flask.

********

“No offense, you two, but I’m sure you didn’t come just to shoot the shit. Spill.”

********

Dumbledore and Lupin exchanged a glance. “A lot has happened,” Albus began, “that we thought you should be made aware of. It turns out, we were mistaken about the events that led to the deaths of Lily and James all those years ago. Sirius Black did not betray the Potters. Instead, they had changed their Secret Keeper at the last moment to Peter Pettigrew, who happily turned them over. Sirius was framed, and spent over a decade in Azkaban for a crime he did not commit.”

********

Moody narrowed his eyes, shaking his head. “Pettigrew? That little rat-faced fuck. Should’ve known, something was always off with that one. How did you discover this exactly?”

********

Lupin jumped in. “Sirius recognized a photo of Pettigrew in his Animagus form in the newspaper, and came to Hogwarts to find him. Pettigrew was posing as a rat, the pet of a friend of Harry Potter’s. I was there when Sirius confronted Peter. I saw him alive, and he admitted to not only betraying James and Lily, but also to framing Sirius. Unfortunately, he managed to escape again before we could prove anything to the public.”

********

“Well, holy fucking shit.”

********

“Yes,” said Dumbledore. “That’s one way to put it. We believe Pettigrew is aiding Voldemort in hiding, and will be working to help bring him to power. This threat, I believe, is both imminent and inevitable. Unfortunately, our colleagues at the Ministry do not see it the same way.”

********

“Ohhh no, Dumbledore. I see right through you. You want me to go convince Fudge, right? Well, let me tell you, just because that blundering idiot is my boss at the Ministry doesn’t mean —”

********

“No, Alastor. I’m afraid I have a considerably larger favor to ask of you. I was rather hoping you’d be willing to come teach at Hogwarts. I can state with almost certainty from my past experience filling this position that it will only be for one year.”

********

“No fucking way.”

********

“You may have heard that Remus here was teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts until very recently.”

********

“No, I didn’t hear, Dumbledore. Don’t keep up with Hogwarts business, don’t have the time, and frankly, don’t care.”

********

“Unfortunately I’ve had to vacate the post,” Lupin explained with a sad smile. “There was an — incident — during a full moon —”

********

“Jesus Christ.”

********

“ — involving students.”

********

“Jesus _fucking_ Christ.”

********

“Exactly.” Lupin looked back to Dumbledore.

********

“Alastor, I —”

********

“Let me stop you right there, Albus. I have no experience, or desire, to teach children. What made you even consider me?”

********

“Our Defense Against the Dark Arts program has floundered due to a lack of — continuity. I approached Remus a year ago at this time to make the same request of him. I trust both of you, and know firsthand how highly skilled you are. I fear our young people will be needing this type of training and education before very long. Remus did an excellent job in the classroom, giving our students plenty of hands-on experience that they had so sorely been lacking after our last several teachers. Now that he is unable to continue in this role, we thought of you.”

********

Moody grunted unintelligibly. Lupin took a deep breath. “We believe that Pettigrew intends to help Voldemort return. If this occurs, we’ll be reinstating the Order. We _need_ you, Mad-Eye.”

********

“Well goddammit. What am I supposed to say to that?”

********

“Say you’ll join us and prepare to fight against Voldemort, should he return to power. Say you’ll help us ensure someone good continues what Remus started to train the youth at Hogwarts.”

********

“I guess I don’t really have a choice, do I?”

********

“We were certainly hoping that you will say yes.” Dumbledore’s eyes twinkled. The old man was quite used to getting his way.

********

“Hrumph… okay, fine.”

********

Lupin grinned.

********

“Wonderful, Alastor,” said Dumbledore. “I was also hoping you could provide some guidance about any new talent we should consider for the Order. As much as I don’t want to get ahead of ourselves, we need to be prepared, should the need arise. Remus and Sirius are ready to begin working behind the scenes to recruit and organize. I’ve already spoken with Minerva, Severus, and Hagrid, who are all on board, and Arthur and Molly Weasley are ready and willing to join us. We know you have worked extensively to identify and capture Death Eaters, and put them in Azkaban, and figure you may have colleagues who would be assets to our cause.”

********

Moody shook his head, but paused for a moment and seemed to really consider the question. Then he took a deep breath and spoke.

********

“Well, there’s Kingsley Shacklebolt. That’s definitely a bloke you want on our side. Incredibly talented, keeps his cool under pressure. And Nymphadora Tonks, the best I’ve ever trained. Smart as a whip — she’s accomplished more at twenty-one than most of the Aurors I’ve known have by the end of their careers.”

********

Dumbledore smiled and nodded. “Thank you, Alastor. Both excellent suggestions. I know Kingsley by reputation, and I’ve met him on a few occasions. I remember Nymphadora from her time at Hogwarts. I’ll make contact with both of them when the time is right.”

********

He stood, as if to leave, and Lupin followed his lead. “Well, I think Remus and I have kept you long enough. I’ll send for your trunks to be brought to Hogwarts when it’s time. I do appreciate your willingness” — Moody grumbled once again — “and we’ll be in touch.”

***

**November 1, 1994 ******

Remus Lupin pulled the collar of his coat tighter around his shoulders as he walked down the sidewalk towards Hogsmeade. It was only early November, but already the temperatures had turned quite cool, the leaves mostly fallen from the trees. They were in for a cold winter ahead.

********

He pushed open the door to the Hog’s Head and scanned the extraordinarily dirty bar, until he spotted a familiar face sitting at a table in the corner, already sipping from a mug of beer.

********

Dumbledore smiled at him. “Remus. Thanks for coming.”

********

Lupin slid into the open seat. “No problem, Albus. What’s going on?”

********

Aberforth came over and brought another foaming mug of beer, slamming it down on the table, and Lupin jumped. “Uh, thanks,” he shrugged, raising the glass to his lips.

********

“Well,” Dumbledore began, “there’s been a strange development in the Triwizard Tournament. It appears this year we will have four champions competing. Harry’s name came out of the Goblet, after Cedric Diggory had already been announced as Hogwarts champion.”

********

“What?! But how? He’s underage!”

********

“I know.”

********

“How did Harry manage to even get his name in?”

********

“He didn’t. Someone else did.”

********

Lupin’s eyes widened. “Oh my _god_ , Albus. What does this mean?”

********

“I don’t quite know yet myself. But something is happening, Remus, and I want us to be ready. We need to come up with a headquarters for meeting, should we need to start up again. We can’t keep meeting here. It’s not secure, and frankly, my brother is a terrible barkeep. But anyway, I was hoping you might be able to help me brainstorm some possible locations.”

********

Lupin cleared his throat. “Sirius had an idea about that actually when I last spoke to him. The house he grew up in is sitting empty, except for the family’s old house elf. It’s sat in disrepair for over a decade, so it would need some considerable cleaning up… but it could work, with certain protections put in place.”

********

Dumbledore nodded slowly. “Yes. That could work perfectly. Can you arrange for Sirius to meet us there one day, show me around?”

********

Lupin nodded. “I’ll talk to him and let you know. Have you started recruiting like we talked about?”

********

“Only those who were involved last time. I haven’t approached new recruits yet, although that’s the next stage. Once the house is ready for us, we should start with monthly dinner meetings, just so we’re ready to go should the need arise.”

********

“Okay,” Lupin agreed. “I’ll touch base with Sirius and get back to you by the end of the week.”

********

“Thank you, Remus. I’m afraid I have to get back to Hogwarts, but please, stay and finish your beer. Aberforth will take care of you. Talk to you soon.”

***

**January 16, 1995 ******

Dumbledore arrived at the Tonks’ family home very late one evening. He gave the front door three short knocks, and waited patiently until Ted Tonks opened the door in his bathrobe. His eyes widened. “Holy… _Dumbledore?_ ” The man stood a bit dumbfounded on his own front step.

********

A moment later, his wife Andromeda appeared behind him, the same look of shock on her face. Her wild brown hair was pulled into a tight braid that reached halfway down her back, a shawl pulled around her shoulders. “Oh my goodness. Headmaster, please, won’t you come in?”

********

“Thank you. Andromeda. Ted. So sorry to bother you so late at night.”

********

“Is — is everything all right?”

********

“Yes. I believe so. I was hoping to have a word with your daughter, if she is home.”

********

Andromeda and Ted exchanged a look.

********

“Nymphadora?” Ted asked. “What do you need with her? She hasn’t been a student at Hogwarts for several years.”

********

“Yes, well I do rather enjoy checking in on my former students from time to time. I would love to catch up with her. I hear she is working for the Ministry these days.”

********

Ted looked even more confused. “You routinely check in on former students… at their homes… at eleven-thirty in the evening?”

********

“No, no, of course not. And again, I apologize for the intrusion at this hour. But Nymphadora did made quite an impression on me during her time at Hogwarts.”

********

“Yeah, I bet — for always causing trouble,” Ted muttered under his breath, and Andromeda smacked him on the arm.

********

Dumbledore chuckled. “Yes, well, Nymphadora always found amusing ways to use her abilities, now didn’t she? I’m sorry to be persistent, but is she home?”

********

Ted and Andromeda once again looked at each other. Andromeda shrugged. “I’ll go get her.”

********

A few minutes later, Andromeda returned, followed by a young witch with a shock of messy bright pink hair, wearing plaid flannel pants and a sweatshirt. Her eyes were wide, her mouth hanging open. “Professor?”

********

“Well, hello, Nymphadora.”

********

“Ummm… hi.”

********

“I understand it is quite late, but I was hoping you would join me for a short walk outside. It looked like there was a lake on this property? I’m sure it looks lovely in the moonlight.”

********

Tonks looked questioningly at her parents, who were just as bewildered as she was. “Uhh sure,” she said. “Let me just go, um —” she glanced down at her pajamas — “change real quick.”

********

She reappeared a few minutes later in a sweater, jeans, and boots, a scarf and coat in her hands. “Shall we?” Dumbledore asked with a smile.

********

As soon as they were outside, Tonks wrapped the scarf around her neck. The cold would have bothered her more if she wasn’t so curious about what Dumbledore was doing at her home. The two started walking under the full moon.

********

“Nymphadora,” Dumbledore began. She cringed at her full name, but bit her tongue, not quite ready yet to correct her former headmaster. “I’m here because you recently came up during a conversation I had with Alastor Moody.”

********

“Oh,” Tonks grinned at the name of her mentor.

********

“Moody had many kind words about you and the work you’ve done. I understand you trained under him for three years before becoming a full Auror last year?”

********

“Yes, that’s right,” she said proudly.

“I have information to suggest that Voldemort is in hiding, gathering support and strength, and will attempt to rise once again. There is a small group of us who are starting to prepare.”

********

Tonks stopped dead in her tracks. “What?” she whispered. Dumbledore nodded seriously. “It’s true. I can explain more later… that is, if you’re willing to join us. During the last time Voldemort and the Death Eaters were at large, we formed a secret society called The Order of the Phoenix.”

********

“I’m familiar,” Tonks said, her heart pounding.

********

“Well, it’s a bit premature to officially start things up again. But, Alastor Moody will play a major role if it does come to that, and you came highly recommended. I wanted to come and speak to you myself, to see if you would be interested, should we need you.”

********

“Really?” Tonks breathed. “Holy shit. I mean... oops. Sorry, Professor.”

********

“Is that a yes?” Dumbledore asked, amused.

********

“Yes. Yes. Yes,” Tonks repeated, still in shock.

********

“Now Nymphadora —” 

********

“It’s Tonks, please, Professor. I hate my first name.”

********

“Ah. Very well then, Tonks. You need to realize that this will be very dangerous for you. I have already approached Kingsley Shacklebolt with the same proposition. You two would be invaluable to us in your role at the Ministry. Your affiliation with the Order in any way must remain a secret, or you could lose your job at the Ministry, or worse, become a target. Do you understand these risks?”

********

Tonks considered this. She had worked hard to get where she was — one of the youngest Aurors the Ministry had ever seen. She didn’t want to risk her career. But why had she become an Auror in the first place? To fight against everything Voldemort stood for. She had only been nine years old when he fell from power in 1981, so the idea of him returning was strange — like a boogeyman from her childhood dreams returning. But if the Ministry wasn’t the best place for her to fight… and Tonks knew about the Order. Those people were her inspiration for becoming an Auror. The chance to fight alongside them, to be one of them, should the chance arrive. “I understand. I’m in.”

********

Dumbledore smiled. “Excellent. We are going to start meeting for dinner once a month. I may ask some of you to start — helping — with a few things. I’ll fill you in about all of it at our first meeting. Next Tuesday night, if you’re available.”

********

“Yes, I am. Where?”

********

Dumbledore pulled out a scrap of paper and handed it to Tonks. “You can find the address here. Be sure not to lose that, and destroy it once you’re done. Dinner is at seven, but show up early and I’m sure someone will be around to give you a tour so you can get settled.”

********

“Okay.” Tonks took the paper from Dumbledore. “Do I need to bring anything, or do anything to prepare?”

********

“No, just bring yourself. I appreciate your enthusiasm, Nymph— I’m sorry— Tonks. I’ll see you soon.” He put his hand on her shoulder, and disappeared into the night.

********

Tonks stood there, looking up at the full moon, and squeezed her eyes shut tight. _Holy shit._ Did that just happen?

********


	2. First Glance

**February 3, 1995 ******

The next Tuesday, Tonks arrived at Grimmauld Place in London at five-fifteen. She stood on the sidewalk of an old brick townhouse in a Muggle neighborhood, looking at number eleven and thirteen, staring between them at where twelve ought to be. The weather was still frigid, and she wrapped her black leather jacket tighter around her shoulders.

********

Brushing a strand of bright pink hair out of her eyes, she glanced down at the crumpled paper, written in the slanted hand of Dumbledore himself, revealing the location of the headquarters, and before her eyes, the bricks moved to make room, and number twelve appeared.

********

She opened the front door into a long hallway, lit with gas lamps and a large overhead chandelier. It was gloomy and full of cobwebs, with the wallpaper peeling and the carpet worn thin. Much of the decor was snake-themed, and Tonks was so distracted looking around that she tripped over the umbrella stand in the front hall, sending the contents flying.

********

“Oof,” she grunted, catching herself before she actually fell off her feet, but the damage was already done. “Shit,” Tonks cursed under her breath, and as she scrambled to collect the various scattered umbrellas, canes, and walking sticks, the portrait of Walburga Black woke up and started shrieking.

********

Remus Lupin heard a crash and the screaming begin in the front hallway from his seat at the desk in the drawing room and muttered to himself, “Ugh, not again.”

********

And, as always, once she started yelling, the other portraits joined in, and the front foyer became an echo chamber of screams. “ _Filth! Scum! By-products of dirt and vileness! Half-breeds, mutants, freaks, begone from this place! How dare_ —”

********

Lupin hurried down the stairs, and in the middle of the mess stood a young witch holding a long black coat, her back turned to him. The first thing he noticed was her shoulder-length bright pink hair, and then she turned around. She was very pretty, and had an exasperated expression of utter bewilderment on her pale face. She looked at him and shouted over the din, “What the fuck?!”

********

Lupin raised his eyebrows at her with an amused look, and set about to quieting the portraits with his wand, finally pulling the curtains closed over the last of them. He turned around and saw that her mouth was still hanging open slightly. “Nymphadora Tonks?” he asked with a warm smile.

********

“Oh, I just prefer Tonks,” she replied quickly. “For obvious reasons,” she mumbled under her breath, smoothing her short pleated skirt. “What was all that?”

********

“Some very vocal portraits of the house’s previous occupants. Quite unfortunate, but they appear to be attached with a permanent sticking charm. It’s best to be quiet around them, lest we wake them up and — well, that happens.”

********

“Yikes.”

********

“I’m Remus Lupin.” His clothes were clean but shabby, and his face, though scarred heavily, was kind and good-natured. He took her coat and hung it in the closet.

********

“Oh. You were part of the original Order, right?” Tonks asked with an admiring look, her cheeks flushing pink as she beamed at him.

********

He nodded.

********

“Wow. This is kind of surreal for me. I was just a kid when You-Know-Who fell, but I heard all the stories about you guys, and everything you did. I mean, I looked up to all of you. And now, to be a part of it — just wow.”

********

Lupin chuckled. “Well Mad-Eye had very kind things to say about you. Which I found a bit strange, because he doesn’t speak too kindly about anyone.”

********

Tonks grinned. “Aww, good old Mad-Eye. Yeah, we get each other. So I know I’m early for dinner, but Dumbledore told me if I showed up someone could probably show me around… ?”

********

“I guess that’s me. Come on.” He smiled at her, nodding his head toward the hall.

********

Tonks followed him down the narrow corridor, dimly lit with gas lamps and a large overhead chandelier.

********

“This is the dining room. We don’t really go in here much. The house had been abandoned for over ten years, and still needs a lot of cleaning up. This room had spiders the size of dinner plates when I first arrived.”

********

Tonks shuddered.

********

Lupin laughed. “Alright, we’ll move on.” He beckoned her back down the hall to a set of narrow stone stairs, leading down into a basement.

********

“Here’s the kitchen where we eat and have meetings,” Lupin explained. Tonks saw a long wooden table in the center. Iron pots and pans hung from the ceiling above the cavernous room, and a large fireplace sat at the far end. “The pantry’s in here, if you’re looking for anything.” He opened the door to show her the well-stocked shelves, and she poked her head inside.

********

Nudging her shoulder, Lupin continued. “Okay, back upstairs.”

********

They walked back up into the entrance hall, and then up the grand staircase, and he turned to look at her. “The bedrooms are all on the second and third floors. Will you be staying here?” he asked.

********

“No,” said Tonks. “I live with my parents. But I guess I might crash here if I’m working late sometimes.” She shrugged, tucking a pink lock behind her ear.

********

Lupin smiled at her curiously. “Your hair — it’s very distinctive.”

********

“Oh, you like it? Yeah, pink’s my favorite I think.” She screwed up her face and transformed her hair into a shimmering blue.

********

Lupin’s eyebrows raised again. “You’re a Metamorphmagus? I can’t believe Mad-Eye and Dumbledore both failed to mention that.”

********

“Yes,” said Tonks. “Made the Concealment and Disguise portions of my Auror exam a piece of cake.” She winked at him, turning her hair pink again.

********

Lupin chuckled. “I can imagine. This is the drawing room.” She could tell this room was at one time exquisite, with large windows overlooking the street in front of the house, a fireplace flanked by two ornate glass-fronted cabinets.

********

“Wow. All these books...” she breathed, running her fingertips over the substantial collection of volumes lining the shelves.

********

“This one has been a bit of a challenge to clean out as well. The cabinets were filled with things like snakeskin and boxes of Wartcap Powder. I finally managed to get rid of the boggart that was living in the writing desk. The house is still a bit of a mess, I’m afraid, so be patient with us.”

********

But Tonks had stopped listening to him, and walked over to the wall with the Black family tree. “Whoa. This is… this is _my_ family.”

********

“That’s right. I forgot. I’m sorry. Did you not know? This is the House of Black.”

********

“Holy shit.”

********

Lupin once again looked amused. “It’s beginning to make more and more sense why Moody is so fond of you.”

********

Tonks was busy reading every name on the tapestry intently. She found her mother’s name, burned out as though it was a blemish on a great work of art, and traced her finger over it gently.

********

“It’s a shame, the pureblood beliefs held by many of the Blacks. I know your mother paid a great price when she married your father. I imagine you’ve never met many of these relatives of yours?”

********

Tonks snorted. “Yeah, Mom doesn’t exactly get invited to many holiday parties.” She glanced toward the names of Bellatrix Lestrange and Narcissa Malfoy — her mother’s sisters, aunts she had never met.

********

“Hey little cousin. Long time, no see.”

********

Tonks whirled around and came face-to-face with a man of whom she only had vague childhood memories.

********

“ _Sirius?_ ” 

********

He smiled and moved into the room, and Tonks instinctively took a step back, right into Lupin, who put his hand on her shoulder to steady her as she faltered on her feet.

********

“But — you — how —?”

********

“I know.” Sirius raised his hands and shook his head sadly. “You’ve no doubt heard terrible things about me, and it’s true that I was in Azkaban for most of your life. But I was framed. I never would have betrayed my friends. It’s quite a long story. I almost wouldn’t know where to begin. Maybe another time.”

********

Tonks’ jaw hung open for a moment, taking all of this in. She remembered her mother sobbing over the news thirteen years ago, that her favorite cousin was the one who betrayed the Potters and had killed a street filled with Muggles before they captured him. And now here he was, standing before her with a smile on her face.

********

Lupin spoke up gently behind her, his hand still resting on Tonks’ shoulder. “It’s a lot to process. Believe me, I know. But I can vouch for Sirius’ story. Dumbledore will too.”

********

“Uhhhh, okay… ”

********

“This is the house I grew up in,” Sirius said. “I hated this place. Never really wanted it. But at least it can be useful to the Order. It’s good to see you again. You were probably — I don’t know — eight years old the last time I saw you?”

********

She smiled nervously, warming up ever-so slightly. Her mother had always adored Sirius, and refused to believe he had really done it for such a long time, but the evidence seemed overwhelming. It had broken Andromeda’s heart to think the worst of him.

********

“How's your mom?” Sirius asked, as if reading her mind.

********

“She’s good,” said Tonks cautiously.

********

“Andromeda was always my favorite family member. I guess that’s not too surprising — if there was a prize for ‘Black Sheep of the Black Family’ — well, we’d both be top contenders.” Sirius gestured to his own name on the family tapestry, burned off the same way Andromeda’s had been. “I only met your dad a handful of times, but he seemed like a good guy. But you should have heard the way my Aunt Druella reacted when she started bringing him around — a Muggle-born. God forbid.”

********

Tonks frowned at the family tree, studying the lineage of one of the proudest pure-blood families in the Wizarding world — proud to a fault.

********

“So old Remus has been giving you the grand tour? Everything’s pretty rundown, I know. You should have seen it when my mom was still alive — very different look. We’ve been working hard to make the house livable, but we’ll see.”

********

“Yeah,” Tonks smiled, looking back to Lupin. “I’m excited to be here and meet everyone.”

********

Lupin checked his watch. “Well, it’s probably about time to head downstairs. I bet Molly’s already here getting dinner started.”

********

Tonks followed Sirius and Lupin downstairs to the kitchen, where a red-haired woman was stirring a large pot. She turned as they entered the room. “Oh good. One of you go get me another can of tomatoes, would you? It’s on the top shelf and I’m not tall enough.”

********

Lupin went into the pantry while Sirius turned to the woman. “Molly, this is my little cousin, Nymphadora Tonks —”

********

“Just Tonks,” she quickly interjected.

********

“Right, Just Tonks,” Sirius continued with a grin. “She works at the Ministry and is joining us for dinner tonight. A new recruit! Tonks, this is Molly Weasley.”

********

“Oh!” Tonks’ face lit up. “I was at school with your son Charlie. It’s very nice to meet you.”

********

“You too, dear,” Molly smiled at her warmly. “Welcome. My husband Arthur works at the Ministry too. Misuse of Muggle Artifacts. He’ll be along for dinner in a bit with the others.”

********

“Can I help with anything?” Tonks asked.

********

“Yes, actually… do you mind going upstairs to the dining room and finding a large platter for dinner? But I wouldn’t open the top cabinet. I saw another one of those ridiculous spiders in there, Remus. I thought you got rid of them all.” Molly looked at him pointedly.

********

“Uhhh, sure,” Tonks said, gulping.

********

Lupin was at her side, smiling knowingly. “I’ll go with you.”

********

“Okay, thanks,” she said gratefully. That room creeped her out, and she fucking hated spiders.

********

Lupin followed her up the stairs, and she looked at him as they walked down the narrow hallway back toward the dining room. “I’m a little nervous about tonight,” she admitted.

********

He raised his eyebrows at her. “Yeah?”

********

“Uh huh. I mean, you already know how all this works. I’m the newbie.”

********

Lupin laughed. “Well, this time around is different for all of us. Different threats, different approaches. And you’re not the only new one. Molly and Arthur weren’t involved the first time, and we have some other new members too. You’ll be fine.”

********

She bit her lip as they walked into the dining room. Lupin opened a drawer and found a large silver platter. It was absolutely filthy, and she turned up her nose. “That’ll need to be washed first,” Lupin said, handing it to Tonks.

********

“Ya think?” she muttered sarcastically under her breath. The corners of his mouth turned up as he looked back at her. Then from behind him, she saw a spider twice the size of her hand crawl out of the top cabinet of the hutch. “ _Holy fuck!_ ” she shrieked, dropping the platter.

********

The portraits in the hallway started screaming again. Lupin quickly pointed his wand at the spider — “ _Reducto!_ ” — and then hurried off to quiet the portraits. She picked the still clattering platter up off the floor, her face turning red.

********

When the hallway was quiet, Lupin came back, leaning against the doorframe and looking at her with an amused expression on his face.

********

“Sorry,” she muttered, glancing down at her feet.

********

“You sure are keeping me on my toes today. You know that?”

********

Tonks looked up to find Lupin grinning at her, and she suddenly felt like her legs were going to give out under his gaze. She swallowed hard.

********

He nodded his head back down the hallway. “Come on.”

********

This time Lupin led the way back down to the kitchen, and when they re-entered the room, more people had assembled. Tonks recognized several faces from her time at Hogwarts: Dumbledore had arrived, and so had Professors McGonagall and Snape.

********

Tonks took the platter to the sink and cleaned it before offering it to Molly. “Thanks, dear,” Molly replied with a smile.

********

Dumbledore walked over to Tonks and placed his hand on her shoulder. “I’m glad you made it. No problems?”

********

Tonks smiled and shook her head. “No problems.”

********

“Wonderful. Everyone's here, so I’ll introduce you around.” He stood at the head of the long table, Tonks by his side.

********

Dumbledore cleared his throat and spoke to the room. “Thank you for coming, everyone. I’m very grateful to Molly for preparing some food for us to share while I explain what’s been going on. First I’d like you all to welcome our newest recruit. This is Nymphadora Tonks, but she’s asked that we just call her Tonks.”

********

She swallowed hard and gave a tight smile as she looked around the table. Dumbledore gestured around the table. “You met Molly, and this is her husband Arthur Weasley. And I believe you know Kingsley from the Ministry?”

********

Tonks grinned at a large, bald black man who was sitting to Dumbledore’s left, and he reached his hand across the table to give her a high-five.

********

“This is Rubeus Hagrid, Dedalus Diggle, Hestia Jones, and Emmeline Vance. I’m sure you remember Severus Snape and Minerva McGonagall from your time at Hogwarts —”

********

Tonks gave both of them shy smiles. Minerva returned it, but Snape remained stone faced.

********

“— and you’ve already met Sirius and Remus, yes?”

********

Tonks glanced down at the end of the table to the two of them and nodded. Sirius was waving at her.

Dumbledore continued his introduction. “Tonks trained with Alastor Moody for three years before becoming an Auror. She excelled in many subjects at Hogwarts, and received nearly perfect marks on her Auror exams —”

********

“Except in stealth training,” interrupted Snape in a snide tone. “I’m guessing the clatter we heard from upstairs was no doubt due to a classic clumsy Nymphadora misstep. Am I correct?”

********

Tonks’ face flushed and the ends of her hair flashed bright red.

********

Minerva McGonagall spoke up. “Oh for goodness’ sake, Severus. Leave the poor girl alone. Welcome, Tonks. I remember you fondly from your time at Hogwarts. I’m sure Severus is harboring a grudge from the time you ruthlessly impersonated him in front of a class of students, so you’ll have to excuse his rudeness.”

********

Lupin snorted.

********

Tonks turned to Minerva and smiled at her. She had never particularly liked McGonagall as a teacher, but felt a sudden rush of gratitude toward the woman for defending her in front of the group.

********

“I seem to recall Miss Tonks as being constantly in trouble for her disregard of authority,” Snape grumbled, glaring at her.

“Well it sure sounds like she’ll fit in well with this crowd then, doesn’t it?” boomed Sirius’ voice from the other end of the table.

********

“I’d personally love to hear more about this impersonation of Severus sometime,” quipped Lupin. Everyone laughed — except Snape, of course.

********

“Come sit down here by me and Remus, Tonks,” Sirius offered, scooting over so there was room for another chair that he magicked out of thin air. “It sounds like you’ll have many interesting tales to regale us with. Bonus points if they include something embarrassing about ol’ Snape.”

********

The room erupted in more laughter, and Tonks felt herself finally warming up to Sirius. She took the seat between him and Lupin, and Sirius patted her on the back. She took a deep breath.

********

“Now,” said Dumbledore, “I think we could all use some drinks.” He waved his hand, and goblets appeared in front of everyone’s place, a bottle of wine magically floating from person to person and pouring until everyone’s had been filled.

********

Dumbledore took a sip from his glass. “I am going to explain everything. Some of you will already know parts, but for others, this will be new information. I feel it is important for all of us to be on the same page, so excuse me for repeating myself.”

********

“Peter Pettigrew, previously thought to be dead, suddenly reappeared on our radar last June. He was the one who betrayed Lily and James Potter thirteen years ago. When Sirius confronted him after their death, Pettigrew slaughtered over a dozen Muggles and faked his own death, framing Sirius for everything. After twelve year in Azkaban, Sirius was able to escape, and he returned to Hogwarts to confront Pettigrew, who was posing as a student’s pet rat.”

********

Molly Weasley buried her face in her hands, and her husband patted her shoulder.

********

“Pettigrew, you see, was an unregistered Animagus — one of several, we’ve now become aware.” Dumbledore shot Sirius a pointed glance, and Sirius shrugged with a grin.

Tonks’ eyes were wide as she took in all of this information, and she noticed a few other faces around the table reflecting her own shock.

********

“Remus was at Hogwarts teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts last year when all of this happened. He was witness to Pettigrew’s return, and while he and Sirius attempted to capture the traitor and expose the truth, Peter managed to escape once again.”

********

Tonks turned to Lupin, seated next to her, and he returned her glance, shrugging his shoulders with a sad smile. She quickly looked back to Dumbledore.

********

“We fear Pettigrew is just one of many Death Eaters waiting in the wings for Voldemort to return.” Several shoulders shuddered as Dumbledore spoke the name without flinching.

********

He continued. “As you know, Hogwarts is hosting the Triwizard Tournament this year, and Harry Potter was named as the fourth champion, which, of course, is quite unprecedented. He is underage and insists he did not enter his own name, and I am inclined to believe him. Something is amiss. I believe whoever put his name in the Goblet intends to do him harm, and I would not be surprised to learn that Voldemort is behind this. We are lucky to have Alastor Moody in our Defense Against the Dark Arts position, since Remus resigned last June.”

********

Tonks looked at Lupin curiously, noticing the tight look that spread across his face.

********

“Moody is keeping an eye on things for us at Hogwarts, and was unable to make tonight’s meeting. While it is a bit premature to officially reinstate the Order, we should be prepared. Something is coming, and we need to be organized and ready to go. Please plan on coming to these dinners, to share what we’ve heard, get to know each other better, and make sure we are all staying informed. We may meet more often, as the need arises. But that’s enough talk for now... let’s eat.” Dumbledore spread his arms wide and smiled at the group warmly.

********

Molly used her wand to send plates around the table, and food was served. Sirius handed Tonks a basket of biscuits. She smiled, taking one and passing it on to Lupin on the other side of her.

********

“Thanks,” he said, meeting her eyes again, and she suddenly felt shy.

********

“So you’re a teacher?” Tonks asked.

********

Lupin nodded, but then shrugged. “Well, I _was_ a teacher. It’s — a bit of a long story.” When he didn’t elaborate, she let it go.

********

“What’s your mom up to these days?” Sirius asked her, and Tonks turned away from Lupin.

********

“Umm, well we moved into a new house a few years back. It’s by this lake, which she loves, and my dad built her an art studio. It’s — really nice. Quiet. I don’t know. She’s doing good.”

********

“That makes me really happy to hear. She deserves it. I’d love to see her again sometime.”

********

“Yeah. I’m sure she’d like that too.” Tonks smiled at him.

********

After everyone had finished dinner, Tonks stayed to help Molly clear the table. All the other members were standing around and talking, pouring themselves another drink, and she suddenly felt out of place. She glanced around awkwardly and then grabbed her coat from the back of her chair.

********

“You leaving already?” 

********

She turned around to see Lupin standing behind her, a full glass of wine in his hand. “Um. Yeah. I have to go.”

********

He smiled. “Too bad. I’ll walk you out.”

********

“Oh. Okay.” She swallowed hard as they moved up the stairs together. Tonks racked her brain, trying to think of something clever to say, but came up short.

********

Lupin turned around when he got to the front door and pointed. “Watch out for the umbrella stand.”

********

Tonks’ eyes flew up to his and she saw that he was grinning. Her cheeks flushed pink. “Haha. very funny.”

********

He nudged her shoulder. “Sorry. Just teasing you. I couldn’t resist.” 

********

She bit her lip and couldn't help but return his smile. “Well, thanks for the tour. And sorry about… everything.”

********

He laughed good-naturedly. “No problem. It was nice to meet you, Tonks. Sounds like I’ll see you again next month?”

********

“Yeah. I’ll — I’ll definitely see you then.”

********

Lupin opened the door for her and smiled. “Goodnight.”

********

Tonks turned around to look at him over her shoulder. “Goodnight.”

********


	3. Hot Cocoa

**March 1, 1995 ******

A month later, Tonks returned to number twelve, Grimmauld Place for another dinner. This time she was very careful not to knock over the umbrella stand inside the front door. She headed downstairs to find Molly and Minerva already in the room, talking in hushed voices.

********

Tonks cleared her throat. “Sorry, I think I’m a little early.”

********

Molly smiled at her. “Hi Tonks! Come on in. You’re always welcome. Drink?”

********

“Um, sure. Thanks.” Tonks gratefully accepted the glass of wine from her. “Where is everyone else?”

********

Just then voices could be heard on the stairs. Dumbledore and Hagrid entered the room, followed by Kingsley, Arthur, and Sirius. Tonks claimed the chair between Kingsley and McGonagall, and when Lupin entered the room, he slid into a seat across the table from her.

********

He gave her a small smile. “Hello again.”

********

“Hi,” she said shyly, her cheeks flashing pink.

********

Dumbledore cleared his throat. “Welcome, and thank you again for your time tonight. I do have some updates to report, but this will be fairly brief. The Triwizard Tournament is obviously still in full swing. All four participants completed the second task safely and successfully. The third and final task will not be until June, so we’re in a bit of a holding pattern until then. However, I am becoming increasingly concerned about two of the people who are close to this event.”

********

“Ludo Bagman is playing a large role in the planning of the tournament, and I’m afraid that I’ve grown suspicious of his motives. There are rumors that he’s in debt to the goblins after placing a series of bad bets, which makes him vulnerable to blackmail and coercion. Kingsley, Arthur, you both work with him closely at the Ministry. Keep an eye on him, will you?”

********

Both men nodded.

********

“And perhaps I’m being paranoid, but I’d like to put a tail on Igor Karkaroff. This is an extremely sensitive request, as Karkaroff is currently our guest at Hogwarts. He is the headmaster of Durmstrang, and if he were to become aware that we were watching him, things could become tense, to say the least. However, he also has ties to the Death Eaters, and I need to know if he is involved with any of this.”

********

“Remus, you're the most familiar with Karkaroff, so I’m sending you. Keep your distance, do not tip him off. Just watch him, see who he talks to, what he does. Tonks, are you available this Friday night?”

********

Her head snapped up at hearing her name. “Oh. Um, yes. I am.”

********

“Wonderful. Remus, I’d like you to take Tonks along. She’s been quite effective at gathering intelligence, and her abilities could prove helpful to help avoid detection. Tonks, pick a different look, you stick out too much with that pink hair.”

********

She nodded, and then met Lupin’s eyes across the table. Her heart was pounding — her first assignment.

********

“Report back if you notice anything of consequence,” Dumbledore ordered. “We’ll regroup for another meeting next week and decide what our next course of action is. Alright — let’s eat!”

********

Tonks felt suddenly shy around Lupin, and the idea of being paired with him for a job made her palms sweat. She did her best to talk to Minerva on her right and Kingsley on her left, trying not to meet Lupin’s gaze, afraid that he would be able to read her. But after dinner, he walked right up to Tonks and smiled down at her. “Hey.”

********

“Hey.” Tonks forced herself to meet his gaze and felt her face burning.

********

“So… Friday?”

********

“Yeah.” She bit her lip.

********

“Can you meet me here at nine o’clock? We can figure out a plan before we head out. I’ll be sure to get all the details from Dumbledore.”

********

She nodded. “Sure, sounds good.”

********

“Alright, well, I’ll see you then. Have a good night, Tonks.”

********

***

**March 3, 1995 ******

On Friday night, Tonks returned to Grimmauld Place, feeling a little nervous about her first mission for the Order. She walked inside the house just as Lupin was coming up from the kitchen. “Hey, Tonks. Come on upstairs. We can go over a few things before we head out.”

********

She followed him up the stairs to the drawing room, and lingered just inside the doorway while he strode over to the desk and picked up a folder. Tonks played with the zipper on her black leather jacket as Lupin walked back over to her.

********

“So the plan is to tail Karkaroff in Hogsmeade. He’s been frequenting the bars every Friday night since arriving at Hogwarts, so we’re practically guaranteed to find him. Do you know what he looks like?”

********

She shook her head. He pulled a photo from the folder, handing it to her. She studied the long-faced man carefully, nodded, and handed it back to Lupin.

“We’re just hanging back and watching. Not engaging in any way. Tonight should be pretty low-key.”

********

Tonks nodded and swallowed hard. “Okay.”

********

“You ready?”

********

“Yeah. Let’s go.”

********

They walked back downstairs, and Lupin grabbed a jacket from the front closet, and then held open the front door. “After you,” he gestured. Tonks walked ahead of him and despite his desire to remain a gentleman, he couldn’t help but notice how her short denim skirt hugged her curves. He shook his head, trying to banish the thoughts from his brain, and followed her down the stairs.

********

They walked down the sidewalk together until they got to the end of the block, where they were able to duck behind some trees. Lupin grabbed Tonks’ wrist and they Apparated into the woods outside Hogsmeade. She stumbled back as her boots hit the ground, almost falling back into a tree.

********

“Gotcha,” he said as he reached out and grabbed her arm to steady her.

********

“Thanks. Not sure if you noticed, but I’m a bit of a klutz,” Tonks confessed with a good-humored smile, her cheeks turning red.

********

He smiled at the understatement. “You do remember that I met you standing in that front hall surrounded by umbrellas and screaming portraits, right?”

********

“Why _are_ there so many fucking umbrellas in that thing anyway?” she asked. Lupin burst out laughing, and Tonks just grinned at him. “Okay, let me change real quick, and then we’ll go.”

********

Tonks transformed herself before his eyes, her short, bright pink hair turning into sleek, black curls reaching halfway down her back. Lupin watched with fascination. “Wow. Extraordinary.” Then he shook his head, realizing that he was staring at her with his mouth hanging open. “Sorry.”

********

She opened up her bag, rummaging around. “Shit. I can’t find my wand. Here, can you —?” She pulled out several items and started handing them to Lupin: a few small bottles of potions, a compass, a book.

********

“You brought a book?” he asked, amused, turning it over in his hands to read the cover. It wasn’t a spell book; it was one of the old mysteries from the drawing room bookshelves at Grimmauld Place.

********

Tonks shrugged with a smile. “Never know when there’s gonna be time to kill. And it’s a pretty good book. Ah, finally. Here it is.” She held up her wand.

********

Lupin pulled the hood of his jacket up. “Let’s go.”

********

They walked along the cobblestone streets of Hogsmeade. A lot of people were out on Friday night walking around the shops and restaurants, and the pair blended in with the crowds.

********

“So, you know this guy?” Tonks asked.

********

“I’m afraid so,” Lupin replied, but he didn’t elaborate. “Let’s just kind of wander until we spot him. He’ll be here.”

********

They walked by the Three Broomsticks and the Hogsmeade Post Office, and then the brightly lit-up storefront of Zonko’s Joke Shop.

********

Tonks snickered, and Lupin looked at her. “What?”

********

“I haven’t been here since I left Hogwarts. Just funny to see everything again, you know?”

********

“Hmm, yeah. You know, I’d love to hear more about this prank you pulled on Snape.” A smile was playing around the corner of his lips.

********

Tonks grinned sheepishly. “Oh geez. It wasn’t that big of a deal. It was just for a few minutes before class started. Snape wasn’t there yet, so… I pretended to be him. I can’t change my voice, so I mostly just scowled at people.”

********

Lupin laughed loudly.

********

“He walked in a few minutes later and… was not pleased. I had detention for a month. He still hates me.”

********

“Snape does hold quite a grudge. I wouldn't worry though. He doesn’t really like anyone.” Lupin smiled, but then his expression turned serious. “There he is,” he muttered under his breath. “Four o’clock. Green robes.”

********

Tonks glanced out of the corner of her eye and spotted the target. “Got him.”

********

They watched Karkaroff move down the sidewalk, and pretended to be carefully reading the advertisement outside Ceridwen's Cauldrons as he walked past them. Tonks glanced over her shoulder and saw him disappear inside the Hog’s Head out of the corner of her eye. Lupin looked at her and shrugged. “Guess we’re getting a drink.”

********

They walked into the pub and quickly located Karkaroff at a table in the corner. Lupin grabbed her arm. “Let’s sit at the bar.”

********

Tonks nodded, and pulled out the stool next to Lupin, who purposely sat with his back to Karkaroff. The floor was strewn with sawdust and the windows were so dirty they were almost opaque. “Are we allowed to have a drink?” she asked him.

********

Lupin shrugged. “One is probably fine. Right?”

********

She smiled and nodded. “Sure. For our cover.”

********

When the bartender came by, Lupin nodded at him. “Hi, Aberforth.”

********

The man just grunted. “What do you want?”

********

Lupin held up two fingers. “Couple of beers.” He looked to Tonks after the man had already walked away. “That okay? Shit. Sorry, I should have asked.”

********

Tonks smiled. “Beer is fine.”

********

The bartender came back and slammed down two mugs of beer in front of them. Lupin reached in his pocket and slid a bill across the counter. “Thanks.”

********

The man took the money, grunted again, and walked away.

********

Tonks looked to Lupin, eyebrows raised. “Friend of yours?”

********

“Something like that.”

********

She looked around the bar. “I’ve never been here before.”

********

Lupin got the look she had quickly grown used to seeing on his face, the corners of his lips turning up just ever so slightly, like something amused him, but not enough to break out into a full smile. “Yeah. Doesn’t really seem like your scene.”

********

She raised her eyebrows. “What exactly do you think my scene is?”

********

Lupin shrugged. “Probably someplace that smells a little less like goats.”

********

She snickered and then wrinkled her nose. “It kind of does smell like goats in here. Why does it smell like goats?”

********

At that moment, a man in a black coat with a red beard walked into the front door with his head down and walked straight back to join Karkaroff at his table.

********

“Do you recognize him?” Tonks muttered under her breath.

********

Lupin gave his head a quick shake. “Nope.” He shifted in his seat and hooked his foot around one of the legs of her barstool, pulling her a little closer and angling her more toward him. Her eyes widened as her knee bumped into his. “Can you see them over my shoulder?”

********

Tonks shot a quick glance, and gave him a tight nod. “Yep.”

********

Lupin nodded. “Good. Karkaroff knows me, but won’t recognize you. Any chance you can tell what they’re talking about?” 

********

“Their heads are really close together. They don’t want anyone to hear what they’re saying. The other guy is covering his mouth with his hand.”

********

“Interesting…” Lupin pulled a small camera out of his inside jacket pocket and slipped it to Tonks, their fingers brushing. “Think you can get him?”

********

She took a deep breath and nodded, her hands shaking. Tonks partially hid herself behind Lupin, scooting toward the edge of her seat to get a good angle for the photo without being too conspicuous.

********

He reached out and grabbed her elbow. “Don’t want you to fall,” he murmured when her eyes flew to his.

********

“Ha. Thanks.” Tonks leaned over a little more, and Lupin heard three quick clicks. She sat back and grinned. “Got it.”

********

He smiled at her. “Good girl.” 

********

She tugged open the lapel of his jacket and slid the camera back into the inside pocket, and then she bit her lip and winked at him. Lupin swallowed hard, feeling his face flush, and couldn’t tear his eyes away from her for a moment.

********

“Now what?” asked Tonks.

********

“Now we wait.”

********

A few minutes passed by. Tonks’ eyes were constantly scanning the bar. She looked back to Lupin.

********

“How do you know this guy?”

********

Lupin’s face tightened. “He really had a penchant for torturing innocent people. Muggles. Witches and wizards who didn’t support Voldemort. But then he turned over the names of his fellow Death Eaters after the first war, so he walked. He’s a murderer and a coward. I have stories I don’t really want to get into right now.”

********

“Fuck,” Tonks breathed.

********

“Yeah.”

********

“Sorry. Let’s talk about something else.”

********

“ _Please_ ,” Lupin said, relieved.

********

“Okay. Ask me a question.” She grinned at him.

********

He looked at her for a long moment. “So... Tonks. Do you like being an Auror?”

********

She nodded. “Yeah. I mean, I like the work. It’s different every day. I feel like I’m making a difference. Sometimes at least. But I don’t particularly like my boss. and I could do without the bureaucracy.”

********

Lupin raised his eyebrows and nodded. “I can see that.”

********

“So if you don’t teach anymore, what do you do these days?”

********

“Well… I’ve… been taking some time off. And helping Dumbledore with all of this. It’s turned into a full-time thing. For Sirius and me at least. We’re the only two living permanently at headquarters.”

********

“Were you and Sirius in school together?”

********

“Yep. Same year. Same house.”

********

She grinned. “Gryffindor then, huh? I remember my mom telling me about that. His parents flipped when he wasn’t in Slytherin like the rest of them.”

********

Lupin nodded. “He enjoyed pissing them off I think. They kicked him out for good before he even finished school. He went and lived with James.”

********

“James Potter?”

********

“Yeah. The three of us were tight.” He gave a quick glance around the bar, toward Karkaroff and the man again. “Okay, so they’re just still sitting there whispering. Something’s up.”

********

“I know. I’ve been watching them this whole time. Want to know something shocking, Lupin? I can talk to you _and_ keep my eyes open.”

********

Lupin raised his eyebrows, looking impressed. “Ah. Okay. My bad. So you’ve _got_ this.”

********

Tonks grinned at him. “I’ve got this.”

********

“You’re quite the multitasker.”

********

“Gotta be.”

********

He sat back and looked at her carefully. “So I guess I'll just enjoy my beer and keep asking you questions while you do this whole job for both of us?”

********

Her mouth twitched as she struggled not to smile.

Lupin shrugged his shoulders. “Works for me. Let’s see... another question for my extremely competent new partner.” Tonks’ cheeks flushed at the compliment and she grinned at him. “You said you live at home with your parents? How’s that?”

********

Tonks rolled her eyes. “I don’t know. It’s free. I get along really well with my folks. Sometimes I think about moving out, but I’m honestly just not home that much. I work a shit ton at the Ministry. And now with all this… but I’m also starting to feel like I’m a little too old to not have my own place. I don’t know.”

********

“How old are you again?” he asked, narrowing his eyes slightly.

********

“Twenty-two.”

********

Lupin shook his head and whistled. “Jesus. I feel ancient.”

********

“Why… how old are you?” Tonks asked, tilting her head slightly as though she was sizing him up.

********

“Uhh, thirty-five. Well, shit — I’ll actually be thirty-six a week from today.”

********

“Oooh, your birthday’s soon!”

********

“Don’t,” Lupin warned, raising a finger to his lips. “Nobody else knows. I don’t really do birthdays. I honestly don’t know why I said that. Let’s just pretend I didn’t.”

********

Tonks smirked. “Okay. I definitely won’t remember that your birthday is next week.” 

********

Lupin shook his head. “I have a feeling I’m going to regret letting that slip.”

********

Tonks finished her beer and set the mug on the bar. “Karkaroff and his friend are leaving. They’re walking this way.”

********

Lupin nodded. “Okay. Stay put. Look at me.”

********

She giggled. “I already _am_ looking at you.”

********

He rolled his eyes. “I meant keep looking at me. Don’t make eye contact with them.”

********

“Stop. I’ve done this before, Lupin.”

********

“Fair enough. I apologize.”

********

She grinned. “Apology accepted.”

********

Karkaroff and the stranger left the Hog’s Head, and they each walked in opposite directions. A few minutes later, Tonks and Lupin exited the bar as well.

********

“So, is that it for tonight?” she asked.

********

Lupin nodded. “Yeah. That was all Dumbledore wanted for now. And that photo you grabbed might help get us a name.”

********

Tonks nodded. “Good.” She shivered. It had gotten a lot colder while they were inside the bar. She realized she felt very overwhelmed, all at once stressed and worn down, like she needed to collapse into her bed and sleep for days.

********

Lupin’s eyes narrowed, scanning the surrounding area. “Wait. Do you feel that?”

********

Tonks let out a shaky breath that was visible in the suddenly frigid air.

********

He looked up. “What the fuck?” he muttered. Three dementors were circling overhead. Tonks’ skin turned to ice and she started to feel lightheaded.

********

Lupin glanced around them quickly to see if anyone else was around, and pulled out his wand, casting a Patronus. Tonks was at his side in an instant, sending her own Patronus running alongside his, scattering the dementors. Lupin realized with a start that he hadn’t heard her speak a word.

********

Once the square had been cleared, she turned to him with wild eyes. “What the hell are dementors doing in Hogsmeade?” she hissed.

********

“They’ve been here since last year to protect against a ‘dangerous escaped convict’ by the name of Sirius Black. Maybe you’ve heard of him? But now I think the Ministry just likes keeping us under their thumb. Sorry. I know you work there. Maybe it’s just the bitter old man in me talking. They’ve had a history of... certain prejudices.”

********

Tonks laughed without a lot of humor in her voice. “Oh, I don’t disagree. The Ministry can be a fucked up place to work. And you’re not really that old.”

********

Lupin shook his head, grinning ruefully. “Come on. Let’s head back.”

********

They arrived at Grimmauld Place around one in the morning, and as soon as they stepped inside the front door, she transformed herself back to her favorite shade of pink hair. The house was quiet, everyone else asleep.

********

Tonks leaned against the front door, taking a deep breath. She looked at Lupin. “Holy shit, huh? I still feel so cold.”

********

He chuckled. “Come here. Follow me.”

********

He led her downstairs to the kitchen, grabbing two mugs and a saucepan from the cabinet. “You really shouldn’t go home at this point. It’s too late. Molly made up the spare bedroom upstairs.”

********

Tonks nodded. “Yeah, I’m a little spooked. I’d rather just stay put.” She hopped up onto the kitchen counter, gripping the edge and looking around the room.

********

A few minutes later, Lupin handed her a steaming mug. “Hot cocoa. To help with the effects of the dementors.”

********

Tonks took a small sip. It was delicious.

********

Lupin leaned back against the table and looked at her. “Your Patronus. A rabbit, if I’m not mistaken? And nonverbal. Wow.” He raised his eyebrows and drank from his mug, looking at her with newfound respect.

********

Tonks blushed and nodded.

********

“You’re a very impressive witch, Tonks.” Lupin smiled. “You’re a great addition to the Order. A new perspective. And highly capable. We’re lucky to have you.”

********

“Thank you,” she said, a strong note of pride in her voice. “That means a lot. I’m excited to be here.”

********

“I’ll tell Dumbledore about the man we saw Karkaroff meet with. Show him the photo. Try to get a name.”

********

“Okay,” she nodded. “Do you need me to do anything else?”

********

“No, not for now. You were great tonight.”

********

She smiled down at her mug of hot cocoa, and then met his eyes. Her cheeks turned pink. “Thanks. You too.”

********

When he held her gaze a moment too long, his stomach gave a lurch. He finished his drink and cleared his throat. “Well, I think it’s off to bed for me. I’ll see you next week at the meeting?”

********

She smiled and nodded.

********

“Goodnight.”

********

“Goodnight,” she called after him, and found herself missing him already before he even left the room.

********


	4. Happy Birthday, Remus

****

**March 10, 1995**

********

Tonks was back at Grimmauld Place the next week for the meeting. She arrived early again, and wandered downstairs to the kitchen, where Molly was working on dinner.

********

“Hey, Molly.”

********

“Why hello, Tonks, dear. Pass me that salt shaker, will you?”

********

“Oh, sure. So, um... did you know that it’s Lupin’s birthday?”

********

“Today? No, I didn’t. Silly man always refuses to say. He’s very private. How do _you_ know?”

********

Tonks shrugged. “He told me.”

********

“Just like that?” Molly raised an eyebrow. “That’s rather… interesting.”

********

“Anyway, can you help me bake a cake or something? I’m not much of a cook, but I think everyone could use a little excuse to celebrate after dinner tonight.”

********

“Of course,” Molly winked at her and patted her cheek. “Remus loves chocolate.”

********

“Perfect,” smiled Tonks. “So do I.”

********

***

********

Dumbledore called the meeting to order. He first asked Kingsley for an update on Ludo Bagman, and then Hagrid shared what he’d heard from the giants living up in the mountains.

********

Then it was Lupin’s turn to report about their assignment. He cleared his throat. “Well, Tonks and I followed Karkaroff to Hog’s Head. The place is as filthy as ever,” he said, looking at Dumbledore, who shrugged and nodded his head knowingly.

********

Lupin continued. “He sat all the way in the back and was joined by this man, who we now know is named Gibbon. Tonks managed to grab this photo of him, which is how we were able to learn his name.” He passed around copies of the picture, and then smiled at Tonks. “She did great.”

********

Tonks’ cheeks flushed when he complimented her in front of the group, and Molly smirked knowingly.

********

“Excellent work, you two,” smiled Dumbledore. “Dedalus, can you and Emmeline look more into this Gibbon? He’s an unknown at the moment. Find out what you can. Remus, Tonks, I want you two to stay on Karkaroff. Try to find another night this week to tail him. See what he does, who he meets.”

********

As the meeting portion of the evening wrapped up, everyone’s attention turned the giant pot of meat and potato stew on the stove with a spoon magically stirring on its own that Molly had prepared earlier that day. There was a stack of clean bowls and spoons, and servings of meat and potato stew were being portioned out by a ladle and sliding down the table to the next empty seat.

********

After dinner, people started to disperse, when Molly called, “Wait, everyone — there’s dessert! Tonks and I worked on something special.”

********

A cheer went out around the table, and Molly reappeared with a chocolate frosted cake covered in candles. “Happy birthday, Remus!” she announced.

********

Lupin’s wide eyes flew to Tonks’ face, and he pointed at her accusingly. She chewed on her bottom lip, struggling to keep the guilty look off her face, and she just shrugged her shoulders at him. He shook his head the entire time everyone sang “Happy Birthday,” but Tonks saw that tiny smile playing around his lips.

********

She felt her heart pounding. Something about this kind, quiet man had struck a chord inside her, and she found that she was unable to stop looking at him, his face glowing warm in the candlelight. He met her gaze across the table again and rolled his eyes at her, feigning mild annoyance. But then Lupin broke out in a full, good-natured grin and winked at her, and her stomach did a somersault.

********

***

**March 12, 1995**

Two nights later, Tonks and Lupin were camped out together in an empty dorm at Hogwarts, overlooking the houses where Karkaroff and the Durmstrang students were staying. The lights were turned off in the room so they couldn’t be seen from the window, but the moon was almost full and shone brightly above the grounds.

Tonks was perched on the arm of a lumpy, overstuffed chair, her legs dangling over the edge. Lupin sat on the edge of the bare mattress of the twin bed, both of them staring out the window into the quiet night. They had seen Karkaroff walk into the building with Viktor Krum almost an hour ago. Now they were waiting to see if Karkaroff left, and if so, they would attempt to follow him.

She sighed and reached into the inside pocket of her jacket, producing a joint, and caught Lupin’s eye from across the room. “Want some of this?”

He laughed. “Are you serious? Where did you get that?”

“We’re going to be here all night. We gotta entertain ourselves somehow.” Tonks grinned and lit it with her wand, taking three short puffs to get it going. She glanced out the window, then her boots hit the ground and she was standing in front of Lupin, offering it to him with an amused look on her face.

He looked up at her. The moonlight made her milky skin almost seem to glow, and Lupin felt a sudden tightness in his chest. He noticed the length of her neck, the curve of her collarbone.

“You okay, Remus?” Tonks tilted her head, looking at him. Her pink hair was pulled up in a ponytail with stray curls falling down around her face.

“Huh? Nothing.”

She smiled, still holding the joint in her outstretched hand. “Do you want this? It’s okay if you don’t.”

“No. I do.” He plucked it from her fingers and put it up to his lips, taking a drag, and then leaned back against the wall as he slowly exhaled.

Tonks grinned and sat down on the bed next to him. She craned her neck to look out the window. “I can still see from here.”

“Mmmm. That’s good.”

He took another turn on the joint and then sat up, their knees touching, and handed it back to her. She took a long pull, holding the smoke in her lungs for a moment before slowly exhaling.

Lupin bumped her with his shoulder. “That’s for going and telling everyone it was my birthday. I specifically asked you not to.”

“Hey. I only told Molly. I can’t bake for shit. _She’s_ the one who told everyone else. Take it up with her.” Tonks passed him the joint with a smirk.

Lupin shook his head and laughed. He looked out the window and smoked, the end burning bright orange in the dark. “Thank you,” he said quietly.

She smiled. “Everyone needs a birthday cake once in a while. You know. Make a fucking wish and all that shit.”

Lupin laughed again. “God, you’re fun. You’d have fit right in with Sirius and James and me back in the day.”

“Except I was in diapers at the time,” Tonks commented good-naturedly.

“Well, yes… except for that,” said Lupin, sobering slightly at the reminder. He took another turn on the joint before passing it back to her. Their fingers brushed as she took it from him.

“I do kind of wish I knew you lot back then though,” Tonks continued with a smile. “Everything’s so gloomy and dire all the time now, you know?”

Lupin nodded. “It felt that way then too, though.” He glanced down and noticed there was a small rip in her black tights, midway up her thigh.

“Hmm, I guess it would have.” Tonks paused. “So, tell me about you.”

“What about me?”

“I don’t know — anything. Do you have any siblings?”

He shook his head. “Nope. It’s just me.”

“Mmm. Me too — I’m an only child,” she said. “What about your parents?” She handed the joint back to him.

“My mom died about fifteen years ago. My dad lives in Lancashire. I don’t see him as much as I should.” Lupin smiled guiltily.

“What did they do?”

“Well, my dad’s an expert on Non-Human Spiritous Apparitions — poltergeists, boggarts, dementors. He published books about it, gave lectures, did some work for the Ministry. My mom was a Muggle. She worked in an insurance office before she married my dad.”

“Shut up! How did they meet?” Tonks leaned forward.

“She got lost in the woods by her house. She always was ‘directionally challenged’ as she called it.” Lupin smiled. “My dad was there because he was trying to locate and study a boggart that was known to be residing in that forest, but my mother stumbled across it first. It appeared as her greatest fear — a large and menacing man — and it chased her right into my father.”

“Oh my god!” Tonks exclaimed.

Lupin chuckled. “He scared off her would-be ‘attacker’ and escorted her home. It took him months to tell her the truth and admit that she was never really in any danger. But by that point they were in love. She accepted everything about his magical lifestyle and never looked back.”

She beamed. “Wow. I love it. That’s such a great story.”

“Yeah. They were something. My mom had this really warm presence. It was hard on my dad, when she passed. She was the one who really made us a family, you know? I mean, my dad’s a great guy, but he’s pretty shy and kind of awkward —”

“So, then you take after him?” Tonks teased.

“ _Hey_. But — yeah,” Lupin admitted with a sheepish smile that then turned a bit sad. “I know he’s lonely. I feel bad I don’t see him more often. The two of us just aren’t good at this stuff without my mom.”

“What happened to her?” she asked in a gentle tone.

Lupin swallowed. “She got sick while I was at school and just never got better. My dad tried everything — took her to all sorts of Healers and Muggle doctors. It nearly killed him too when he couldn’t save her. She died when I was nineteen.”

“Shit. I’m really sorry.” She reached out and gave his hand a small squeeze.

He smiled tightly. “Life goes on. What about your parents?”

“My dad's a Healer, which sure came in handy, since, you know.” She looked at him sheepishly. “I sort of had him working overtime. You should have seen me when I got my first broomstick. I’m a decent flyer now, but when I was first learning, I crashed into everything. My dad fixed a few broken bones.”

Lupin laughed. “I can imagine.”

“My mom’s the best. She’s an artist — she draws, but mostly paints. She’s graceful and always says the right thing and is good at everything that I’m not, like cooking and sewing and keeping everything organized. But she never makes me feel bad about it. I’m more like my dad. Big mouth. Kinda messy.” She grinned.

Then Tonks sat up straighter all of a sudden. “Hey, look. There he is.”

Lupin was on his feet, at the window. Karkaroff pulled his collar up around his face as he walked briskly out of the building and down the sidewalk. He spun around to look at her. “Let’s go.”

They ran down three flights of stairs to the exit, Lupin flinging his arm out to stop her before she burst out of the door. He peeked through the window, catching the sight of Karkaroff’s coattails as they disappeared around the corner. Then he glanced at Tonks, who’d quickly turned her conspicuously pink hair to a dark brown. Lupin grabbed her hand, opening the door, and stepped out into the night.

The pair moved after Karkaroff, doing their best to stay quiet and remain hidden from his sight. She looked down to his hand, still gripping hers tightly, and smiled to herself. Suddenly Karkaroff stopped and looked around him cautiously. Lupin yanked Tonks back with him around the corner of the building, pressing his back against the brick wall, and she did the same, both struggling to catch their breath.

Lupin looked down to their intertwined fingers and quickly let go, shoving his hands into his coat pockets. They locked eyes and he put a finger to his lips. She nodded.

She peeked around the corner to see Karkaroff now talking in hushed tones to a man — the same man from the pub the other night. She straightened herself and looked at Lupin. “Gibbon. He’s back.”

Lupin leaned forward, catching a quick glance. “Well how about that.”

“Think we can sneak closer? Try to hear what they’re saying?”

Lupin swallowed hard. “We can try.”

“Stay here,” whispered Tonks, and then she was gone, ducking around the side of the building.

His heart was pounding as he kept his eyes on the two men, praying they wouldn’t notice that they were being watched.

Lupin stayed there for several minutes, eyes constantly scanning the scene, as the two men finally finished their conservation and left in opposite directions. Things were quiet as Karkaroff walked back toward his lodging. But where was Tonks?

Just then she popped back around the corner, out of breath, and resumed her spot next to him, leaning back against the wall. “Get anything?” he asked.

“Yep,” she said, a huge grin spreading across her face. “I mean, I only heard a bit, but I think it’s enough to take back.”

“Okay. Let’s get out of here.” Lupin looked around them again before grabbing her wrist and pulling her toward the road, where they would be able to Apparate once they were off the Hogwarts grounds.


	5. Ring My Bell

**March 16, 1995**

Tonks had overheard snippets of the conversation between Karkaroff and Gibbon. Karkaroff kept urging that it was “darker” and spoke of running away if “it came back.” Dumbledore found this information to be quite enlightening, but did not help the rest of them connect the dots at the moment.

A few days later, after working a long day shift for the Ministry, Tonks crashed at Grimmauld Place instead of going all the way home to her parents’ house. The house was quiet when she arrived. Sirius was in his room with the door closed, and Lupin’s room was empty. Tonks unwound with a hot shower before passing out in the extra bedroom upstairs.

She looked for Lupin at breakfast the next morning. She found herself wanting to talk to him again, to just be around him. But he wasn’t there, and her heart sank when she didn’t see him at the meeting that night either.

Tonks decided to sleep at Grimmauld Place again, needing a break from home. She drifted off a little after midnight, only to wake up in a panic an hour later, a nightmare gripping her. She turned on the light in the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed, closing her eyes and willing her breathing to return to normal.

She got up and walked downstairs to make herself a cup of tea in the kitchen when she saw a light on in the first floor drawing room. Sticking her head through the open door, Tonks found Sirius sitting in one of the armchairs, drinking a large glass of firewhisky.

“Hey, Tonks,” he greeted her brightly. “Staying over again tonight?”

“Yeah… if that’s okay?”

“Of course,” Sirius smiled. “You’re always welcome here. Want a drink?”

“Sure. Thanks. Didn’t really feel like going home.”

“I hear ya. It’s late though. You can’t sleep either?”

“I was trying. Bad dreams,” she admitted. 

“Yeah? What’s up?”

“I don’t know. I had a bit of a scare working in the field for the Ministry a couple of weeks ago, and now I’m just really skittish lately.”

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, I’m… fine. I just don’t like feeling like I can’t defend myself. I mean, I have all this magical training, but in certain situations, I just don’t stand a chance against someone physically bigger than me, you know?”

“Hmmmm. Have you ever tried boxing?”

“Boxing?” she laughed.

“Yeah… you never know. There’s an old punching bag in the basement. You could go down there, practice throwing some punches. It might help.”

“Huh. Maybe.”

“I went through a phase in my teens when hitting the bag helped me get some aggression out. I could show you a few things sometime if you want.”

“Thanks, Sirius. That’s a good idea. So… how are you?”

He shrugged. “I’m good.”

“Yeah? How are you _really?_ ”

“What do you mean?”

“Well. I mean — everyone out there still thinks you did it. How do you deal with that?”

Sirius laughed humorlessly. “I don’t really deal with it. I mean, I’m stuck in here all day. I’m wanted in the Wizarding world and the Muggle world alike. So, I’m still a prisoner, in a way.”

Tonks looked at him, her eyes full of concern. “Oh, fuck.”

This time, his laugh was genuine. “Yeah. ‘Oh, fuck’ is right. I like you, Tonks.”

She grinned. “I hope we can figure out a way to clear your name, Sirius,” she said sincerely. “That’s important to me. You’re a good person.”

A big smile slowly spread across Sirius’ face. “Thank you. I do appreciate that. But you’d be surprised what someone can decide that they’re willing to live with after fourteen years. Part of me is afraid that I wouldn’t really know how to live out there in the real world after all this time. I mean, it’s lonely, but — I don’t know.”

“Huh. I guess I can see that,” Tonks said thoughtfully. 

“The Order gives me a purpose though,” Sirius said. “I mean, I’m not out there saving the world like the rest of you, of course, and I resent the fuck out of that. But it feels good to be involved in my own way. And at least I have a network of good people who respect me and know the truth. Well, and Snape.”

Tonks burst out laughing.

“Are you liking the Order?” he asked.

“Yes,” she smiled. “It’s good. It’s the kind of stuff I always wanted to do. Work at the Ministry is always a lot more paperwork and red tape than I realized. This feels… important.”

“Yeah,” he agreed with her. “I heard you’re really great out there.”

“Really?”

“Uh huh. Remus said you’re a natural.”

“Oh.” She looked down at her feet, smiling, and her cheeks flushed.

“Hey, I’m sorry, but I’m gonna head to bed, Tonks. I’m finally tired. Thanks for the talk.” 

He patted her on the cheek on his way out of the room.

“Goodnight. Oh, hey — umm — do you know where Remus is?” Tonks asked, struggling to sound casual. “I haven’t seen him around.”

“Yeah, he just had to go out of town for a few days,” Sirius answered, failing to elaborate more.

“Oh, okay. Goodnight, Sirius.”

***

**March 28, 1995**

A couple of weeks later, Lupin was walking up the stairs to his bedroom a little after midnight when he heard strange thuds coming from the basement. He pulled out his wand and shook his head as he headed down the stairs, thinking it was another ghoul or boggart he would need to rid the house of.

He was not expecting to see Tonks, dressed in a tank top and yoga pants, hitting Sirius’ old punching bag that hung from the ceiling. Her back was to Lupin, and he returned his wand to his waistband and watched her for a moment. Her hair was pulled up in a high ponytail that bounced as she moved. She stayed low to the ground, constantly moving her feet, and lunged at the bag, hitting it with her closed fist and letting out a grunt.

Lupin tapped her on the shoulder and she whirled around, grabbing her wand from her waistband and pointing it directly at his throat. Only then could he see that she had headphones on, and she looked absolutely terrified.

His eyes widened, raising his hands in a non-threatening way.

She ripped the headphones off and they fell around her neck, loud music blaring. She slowly lowered her wand. “Remus. You fucking scared me.” Her face was bright red and she was dripping in sweat, struggling to catch her breath.

“Tonks. I’m sorry. I didn’t know you couldn't hear me — I didn’t mean to sneak up on you. What are you doing?” He looked at her curiously.

She gestured toward the punching bag. “Training.”

“For what?”

Tonks shrugged. “I’m out there in it — you know? But I’m also kind of small, and I want to feel like I can protect myself, magic or no magic.”

Lupin nodded thoughtfully. “Smart. But you’re going to break your hand like that if you’re not careful.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re too far away from the bag, which means your knuckles have to absorb all the impact. Plus, think about it. If someone’s a threat, chances are you’re going to have to fight back from close range. You need to get closer.”

“Huh... okay.”

“You can also wrap your hands. That might help.” Tonks winced as he ran his thumb gently over her bruised and bleeding knuckles. “Damn,” he breathed, looking. at her with concern. “How often are you coming down here?”

She pulled back. “I don’t know, kind of a lot.”

“You need to rest too. You can’t train or defend yourself if you sprain your wrist or break a bone.”

“But I need to learn how to protect myself,” she insisted. “And Sirius got me set up with this old stuff down here…”

“No, it’s a good idea. But you have to take days off. And we need to get some ice on this hand for now.”

Tonks sat on the bottom step while Lupin got her ice and a towel. He came back and dropped down next to her.

“How do you know all this?” she asked him.

“I’ve been in my share of fights,” Lupin said with a small smile. “I had to learn how to throw a punch.” He looked at her closely. “Are you okay?”

Tonks nodded. 

“So what are you doing down here at midnight?”

She shrugged. “Can’t sleep. You?”

“Same — couldn’t sleep, so I came downstairs to get a drink, and then I heard you. And now I’m worried about you,” he said.

“Why?”

“It seems like you don’t feel safe. Can I help?”

Tonks shrugged and shook her head slowly. “Just have my back when we’re out there.”

“Always do.”

“I know,” she smiled at him. “And the ice helps too.”

“No more punching bag. For a few days at least. Then come see me before you do it again and we’ll wrap your hands. Okay?”

She nodded and smiled at him. “Thanks, Remus.”

***

**April 4, 1995**

Tonks’ hands healed after several days off from the punching bag, and she was anxious to try again. She went to Grimmauld Place after her shift at the Ministry and headed upstairs to the bathroom to change into her workout clothes.

She saw Lupin in the drawing room when she first walked in, and her heart was pounding as she thought about going in there to ask him for help. Tonks pulled her hair into a high ponytail and adjusted the straps of her black tank top so her bright turquoise bra was sticking out a little. Tilting her head, she grinned at her reflection in the mirror. She rehearsed over and over again in her head what to say to him, hoping her tone would sound adequately light and casual.

Tonks took a deep breath as she finally hovered in the doorway of the drawing room. “Hey,” she said, and Lupin looked up at her with a warm smile.

“Hey yourself.”

“My hands had a chance to rest. You said you’d help me wrap them?”

Lupin stood up and walked over to her. Tonks felt a shiver up her spine as he took her hand in his and ran his fingers over the injured knuckles again. “Mmm. They look a lot better. Meet me downstairs in five minutes?”

She nodded and swallowed hard. “Okay.”

Tonks went down to the basement and was tightening the laces on her sneakers when Lupin appeared, a box in his hands. He sat on the bottom step and patted the spot next to him. She felt a tightness in her chest as she took a seat and looked over at him.

“Hand,” he said.

“Huh?”

“Your hand,” he smiled. “I need it.”

“Oh. Right.” She held her hand out to him, sure he could feel it shaking.

He took some strips of fabric from the box and wrapped them around her wrists all the way up to her knuckles until both hands were covered, securing the ends with tape. Tonks’ heart was pounding, and she found that she didn’t want him to let go of her. 

“Want me to show you a few things?” Lupin asked. 

She nodded, circling her neck to loosen up.Lupin took a deep breath.

“So you’re already good at staying low and keeping your feet moving. Follow that instinct. You’re quick. But be sure you plant this back foot —” he nudged her left toe with his shoe — “and keep your weight even between both of your legs. If you lean forward too much, then it throws you off balance.”

“Okay.” Tonks jabbed with her right hand, keeping her back foot on the ground, and felt the power flow from her shoulder through her arm as she made contact with the bag.

“Good! Now keep your hands up by your face, always, to protect you.”

She raised her fists, then punched the bag again.

“Nice, Tonks! Keep your chin down.”

She worked for a solid forty-five minutes, her face determined, her hair and tank top drenched, when Lupin finally suggested she take a break.

Tonks plopped down on the bottom step as her heart rate leveled out, gulping from her water bottle and wiping her face on a towel. He sat down next to her. “That was great. You’re looking strong,” Lupin told her with a small smile.

“Thanks,” grinned Tonks. “You’re a good coach,” she said, nudging him with her shoulder. “Ew, sorry, I’m sweaty. Gross.”

“It’s okay. I don’t mind.” He swallowed hard, feeling his cheeks flush.

Tonks bit her lip, suddenly overcome by the impulse to just lean in and kiss him. The way he was looking back at her, sitting just a few inches away, she almost wondered if he was thinking the same thing. But then his gaze turned to his feet, and she lost her nerve. Instead, she just mumbled good night and ran upstairs.


	6. I'm Not a Fucking Idiot

**April 9, 1995**

Lupin woke at four in the morning. After lying in bed and trying unsuccessfully to will himself back to sleep until a more reasonable hour, he got up to find a quiet house. Everyone else who had stayed last night was still sleeping. He went down to the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee, and poured himself a mug, yawning.

He was heading back upstairs to the drawing room when the front door opened. Tonks stumbled in, shutting the door behind her, the wind fierce outside.

He smiled at her. “Hey. You’re here early.”

“Ugh. Don’t remind me. It’s actually late for me… been working all night.” 

“Coffee?” He gestured to his own mug. “I could get you one.”

“Mmmm, incredibly tempting… that smells so good. But no thanks. I figured I might just try to grab a few hours of sleep before our meeting? I’m going to see if that room upstairs is open again and I’ll just go crash.”

“Ah. Out of luck, I’m afraid. Bill got in late last night and claimed it.

”She groaned. “Of course. Well then I’ll just go pass out under a table somewhere? I’m not even joking. I’m so fucking tired I don’t even need a pillow. Anywhere but the room with all the spiders.”

He grinned at her. She did look dead on her feet. “Tell you what,” he said. “I’m up for the day. You can go sleep in my bed.”

Tonks looked up at him, relieved, clutching the front of his sweater. “Really? Oh my god, thank you, _thank you_.”

She followed him upstairs to the second floor, and he opened the door. It was a long, narrow room with dark, heavy curtains covering the windows. His bed was unmade, a crumpled cardigan sweater in a heap next to the desk.He scrambled to pick it up and fold it, kicking a dirty sock under the bed. “Sorry,” he muttered, suddenly embarrassed. “I wasn’t expecting...”

Tonks shook her head. “It’s okay. Don’t care. Just need bed.” She flopped down and sighed, resting her head on his pillow. “Mmm. Thanks again, Remus.”

He looked down at her feet. “You going to at least take off your boots?”

Eyes still closed, she muttered, “Too. Tired.”

He looked at her for a moment, and when she really appeared to not be moving, he put down his cup of coffee on the small bookcase next to the desk. Taking hold of her ankle in one hand, he tugged the laces loose and slipped one heavy boot off her foot, then the other. She still didn’t move, apparently already asleep.

Lupin pulled the blankets up, tucking them around her shoulders. She sighed and opened her eyes for a split second, and she then reached out and grabbed his arm. He froze.

“Hey, Remus?” she murmured sleepily, her dark eyelashes fluttering closed again.

“Yes?”

“Wake me up for the meeting, okay?”

He nodded, swallowing hard, glad she wasn’t looking at him. Lupin had a strange feeling in his stomach, seeing her curled up in his bed. “Yep. I’ll be back. You have plenty of time until then, so get some sleep.” He fought the urge to lean down and kiss her on the forehead, but he banished the ridiculous thought from his head and closed the door quietly behind himself.

***

A few hours later, he knocked gently on his bedroom door. When there was no response, he went inside and saw her tousled pink head sticking out from under the covers, fast asleep. Her boots were sitting next to his bed where he had left them.

“Tonks,” he whispered. She didn’t budge, so he shook her shoulder gently. Still nothing. He cleared his throat, this time a little louder. “Hey Tonks, time to wake up.”

She groaned. “No.”

“I’m afraid so. Dumbledore is set to arrive in about twenty minutes.”

She grunted and rolled over on her side, falling back to sleep.

He tried again. “Tonks, come on, get up.” He put his hand on her back and shook her awake.

Tonks sighed loudly and sat up on the edge of the bed. “Okay, I’m up.” Reaching for her boots, she looked up at him groggily. “You got a mirror or something in here?” she asked, looking around his room. “I probably look like death.”

He shook his head, opening up the curtains and letting some light in. “No mirror, sorry. There’s one in the bathroom down the hall. But you look… fine.”

“You’re sweet. You’re also lying. I feel like I got run over by a truck.”

She bent down to lace up her boots and stretched her arms above her head, taking in her surroundings for the first time. His eyes followed her as she walked around his room, running her fingertips lightly along the dusty window pane, the edge of the desk, the top shelf of his bookcase. She bent over and started reading through the titles in his collection, pulling one off the shelf and flipping through it.

“Make yourself at home,” he quipped.

Tonks burst out laughing. “Sorry, I’m nosy. I like your books.”

He smiled. “I’m sorry it’s so cluttered in here. Usually no one ever comes in…”

She waved her hand. “This is nothing. You should see my bedroom sometime.”

Lupin raised an amused eyebrow at her.

She froze, realizing how it sounded, and her face turned red. “Oh my god. I don’t actually mean that you’re going to see my bedroom. I just meant that I’m super messy, so don’t worry about it, you know? Not that you’d be at my house. Or in my bedroom. Oh, fuck.” Her hands flew to her flushed cheeks.

Lupin burst out laughing. “I know what you meant.”

“Okay… that’s very generous of you,” Tonks said with a grin. “Thanks for the nap.”

Lupin was caught off guard when she suddenly hugged him around the waist. He awkwardly put his arm on her back. Her head fit perfectly under his chin, and he got flustered, thinking about how nice she felt pressed up against him, and how he didn’t really want her to let go.

Just then Tonks pulled back. “Do you have an extra toothbrush?”

***

**April 16, 1995**

Tonks walked into the house at Grimmauld Place one night after her shift at the Ministry and and poked her head into the drawing room, finding Sirius sitting in his regular armchair.

“Oh, hey, Sirius.”

“Hey, Tonks. How’s it going?”

“Pretty good. Umm... have you seen Remus anywhere?”

“He had to go out of town for a few days,” Sirius replied.

“Again?”

“Yep.”

“Oh.”

“Why… you need something?”

“No,” Tonks trailed off lamely. “I was just wondering if he thought we were going to need to go back to Hogsmeade to canvas again… but it’s no matter. I’ll talk to Kingsley.”

“Hey! Get back here and have a drink with me, Tonks!”

She grinned. “Okay. Twist my arm.” She plopped down in the chair across from Sirius and he poured her some whiskey.

“How have you been?” he asked.

She shrugged. “Fine. Been busy: work, home, here. I’ve been practicing with the punching bag like you showed me.”

“Yeah? Is it helping?”

“It’s a good outlet for my nervous energy, that’s for sure. I don’t know, I feel like I’m getting stronger. And it’s a lot better since Remus helped me wrap my hands and get my stance right.”

“Remus helped you with the punching bag?” Sirius asked with a curious look.

“Yeah, he’s — he’s been great.” Tonks looked down at her hands with a shy smile, and Sirius’ eyes widened, a grin spreading across his face.

She suddenly cleared her throat and sat up a little straighter, looking at Sirius. “You know, I mean, on the job. Lupin’s is very… knowledgeable.”

Sirius smirked. “Uh huh. Lupin is very… _knowledgeable_.”

“Why do I feel like you’re making fun of me?”

Sirius laughed. “I’m sorry, Tonks. I swear I’m not making fun of you. Remus is my oldest friend in the world, so it’s second nature for me to bust his balls, whether or not he’s here.”

“I’m not sure what that means,” Tonks said, her forehead creased in confusion.

“Never mind. I’m glad the punching bag has been working out for you. I’d love to see you in action sometime. And someday, maybe I’ll even be able to get out of the house with all of you so I can really see you in action.”

She grinned. “Someday. It will happen, Sirius.”

“Yeah, we’ll see.”

“You doing okay?”

“Eh. I’m bored. It gets lame around here. Especially when Remus is gone for — work.” Sirius took a sip from his drink. “But I’m glad you’re here tonight.”

“Me too. Sometimes it feels lame being at my parents’ house. They’re great but…”

“But they’re still your parents?” Sirius supplied. 

“Exactly.”

“Like I said, Tonks, you’re welcome anytime. Move into that room permanently for all I care.”

Tonks smiled. “Thanks, Sirius.”

“Having everyone around makes this place feel tolerable. Sometimes it drives me insane, having to stay inside while everyone else is out there, making a difference. I always feel like I should be doing more.”

Tonks bit her lip, not knowing what to say. “I’m sorry.”

Sirius had a tight smile. “That’s what you get for trusting the wrong people.”

The room got very quiet, and Tonks took a long, awkward sip from her drink.

“Let’s change the subject,” Sirius said suddenly. “So, you used to get in a lot of trouble at school, huh?” He wagged his eyebrows.

Tonks burst out laughing. “Uh, yeah, I guess.”

“Tell me a story, Tonks,” Sirius grinned at her.

“Oh geez. Let’s see. One time I pretended to be my roommate’s mother. This girl was a total bitch and I wanted to get back at her. So I saw a picture of her mom on her desk and I changed my appearance to match hers. I walked into the room and started screaming at her, making her think that her family had gotten a letter from Dumbledore informing them of her immediate expulsion, and her mom was furious and was coming to get her. Sprout came in about ten minutes later to find the girl sobbing as she packed her bags to go home. I was in detention for about two months for that one.”

Sirius laughed, shaking his head. “You might have given us a run for our money. James and Remus and I were always in trouble. Me and James especially.”

“Yeah? Okay. Why don’t you tell _me_ a story?”

Sirius grinned. “Have you heard of the Marauder's Map?”

“Yeah?”

“We did that.”

“Did what?”

“We invented the Marauder's Map.”

“Wait… that shit’s real?”

“It’s definitely not shit. And yes, it’s very real.”

“Whoa. I thought that was just one of those… you know… legends or something.”

“Yes, well… we are legends, Tonks.” She rolled her eyes, and Sirius laughed. “We called ourselves the Marauders. Me, Remus, James. Well, and Peter, but we don’t really talk about him.”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed.”

“Eh. He’s not worth our breath.”

“Okay, well tell me more about the map. There are stories. But let’s hear it from the brains of the operation,” Tonks grinned at Sirius.

“Ah, well the real brains of the operation would be Remus. James and I dreamed up most of the ideas, but Remus was always the studious one who would figure out how to actually make it all work. He got the Homonculous Charm to show all the people in the castle and on the grounds after we drew the diagram. I still don’t really understand how he did it.”

“What happened to it?”

“Filch took it away from us eventually. Shame. But last Remus heard, the Weasley twins had gotten their hands on it, and now I believe Harry Potter has it. The next generation of troublemakers.”

“I can’t believe Lupin never told me about that.”

“You two _have_ been going on a lot of jobs together lately,” Sirius commented with a mischievous glint returning to his eyes.

“Yeah, we have,” she said, forcing her voice to stay level.

“He really likes spending time with you.” Sirius struggled to keep a straight face as he watched Tonks fidget.

Tonks drained her glass in one last gulp and set it on the table next to her, looking down at her hands shyly. He noticed her cheeks flush. “I think I should probably go to bed now.”

“You okay?” asked Sirius. 

“Yeah, just… tired.”

“Okay. Goodnight, Tonks.”

“Night, Sirius.” She walked on shaky legs until she got up to her room. As soon as she shut the door, she leaned her back against the wall and slid down it until she was sitting on the floor, her face breaking out into a wide grin.

***

**April 20, 1995**

One morning, Tonks was walking down the stairs from the spare bedroom on the third floor where she had spent the night again when she practically bumped into Lupin. She hadn’t seen him all week, since he’d been away on whatever job it was that had taken him out of town.

“Hey, Remus,” Tonks gasped, concern in her voice as she reached out to touch his elbow. “Are you alright? You’re very… pale.” She didn’t mention the fact that he looked like he had aged several years in the past week, or the horrible dark bags that were visible under his eyes.

Lupin smiled weakly at her, his voice scratchy. “Feeling a little under the weather I’m afraid. Back to bed for me.”

“Do you need anything?” Tonks called after him, but Lupin had already shut the door to his room.

***

**May 2, 1995**

“God, I miss girls,” Sirius said one evening when he and Lupin were sitting in the drawing room a couple of weeks later.

Remus laughed, shaking his head at his friend. “I’d have thought that you had enough in your teenage years to last a lifetime.”

“Ahh, well you see, I had to get around enough for the both of us. You apparently never had the nerve.”

Lupin rolled his eyes.

“Kidding, kidding,” Sirius quipped. “I will say, it used to be a lot easier to meet girls before I was a convicted felon. Oh well. So... anyone grabbing _your_ attention these days, Moony?” Sirius wagged his eyebrows knowingly.

“What are you talking about?”

“Oh, I don’t know. A certain colorful young witch sure has been asking after you quite a bit lately when you’re not around.”

“Is that so?” Lupin struggled to keep his voice casual, but could feel his pulse quicken.

Sirius nodded, grinning widely. But then his expression turned more thoughtful. “I see the way you look at her too, Remus. You know, I was really racking my brain hard... and I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look at anyone like that before.”

“I — I admire her,” Lupin supplied truthfully.

Sirius laughed. “Oh, I _bet_ you do!”

Lupin looked at him blankly. “I don’t want to talk about this, Sirius.”

“Has something happened between the two of you? You have been spending a lot of time together, come to think of it. I almost wonder if old Dumbley is trying to play matchmaker, sending you two out on all these missions together.”

“No! No, nothing happened. Don’t be absurd. Of course not.”

“ _Yet,_ ” Sirius smirked.

Lupin shook his head. “That would be... unwise.”

“Why?” Sirius demanded. “She’s interested, you’re interested. Isn’t that all there is to it?”

Lupin let out an empty laugh. “I highly doubt that ‘the hot girl’ is interested. That’s not how these things usually work out for me, Sirius.”

“I don’t know, maybe it’s karma. You’ve been a patient man, Remus, and now she’s your reward.” Sirius raised his eyebrows mischievously. “Take it.”

“Sirius, I have nothing to offer anyone as a romantic partner. Come on. She doesn’t even know about my lycanthropy yet. This would be a disaster.”

Sirius leaned forward, his eyes narrowed. “What? You haven’t told her?”

“I know. I should tell her. I just —” Lupin trailed off and shook his head.

“No, what where you going to say?” Sirius pressed.

“Nothing,” Lupin insisted firmly.

Sirius shook his head and walked over to the liquor cabinet and poured himself a drink. “Want one?”

“I can’t tonight, I’m afraid — heading out soon for work.”

“Oh yeah? With who?”

Lupin’s silence said it all.

Sirius’ laugher boomed. “How perfect. Maybe tonight’s the night for love.”

“I don’t think so. She’s very… young.”

Sirius shrugged. “Maybe, but she’s an adult, Remus. And lord knows it wouldn’t hurt if some of that youth and vibrance rubbed off on you. You’re looking pretty terrible these days, if you want to know the truth.”

“Haha,” Lupin said humorlessly.

“You gotta tell her everything though.”

Lupin sighed, looking down at his hands. “I know. I do I need to tell her. If we’re going to be working together, it’s only fair. But I’ll admit… the way she looks at me... I’m afraid she won’t look at me like that anymore if she knows.”

“She cares for you. You never know how she’ll react. I hate to think of you always alone, friend. Give it a go.”

“Stop, Sirius. It’s a bad idea. End of discussion.”

Just then, Tonks poked her head through the doorway, her bright pink hair pulled in a high ponytail. “Hey, guys. You ready, Remus?” She was wearing a purple tank top with a black leather jacket, a short denim skirt, and heavy black boots.

Lupin nodded, not quite meeting her eyes. “Be there in a minute.”

Tonks shrugged and walked out of the room.

Sirius clapped Lupin on the back and laughed. “You, old friend, are royally _fucked_.”

***

An hour later, Tonks and Lupin found themselves sitting on a bench across the street from the home of a Death Eater named Jugson. She had changed her hair to red and curly, and was wearing a pair of glasses. She produced another joint, and Lupin eagerly accepted it this time. When he handed it back to her, she tilted her head and looked at him.

“So, what kind of music do you like?”

Lupin looked amused.

“What?” Tonks said defensively.

He smiled at her. “It’s always twenty questions with you.”

“I know, I’m nosy. But it’s better than sitting here being bored out of our minds.”

Lupin nodded. “I suppose that’s true. Let’s see. I love jazz.”

“Jazz?”

“Yeah. You ever heard of Joe Harriott?”

“Nope.”

He shrugged. “My mom always played a lot of jazz when I was growing up. It grew on me.”

Tonks smiled at him. “Yeah. You. Jazz. That makes sense.”

“How about you?” he asked.

“I like everything really. I just got this. Want to hear it?” She held up her walkman and headphones and offered them to Lupin.

He put them on and pressed play. She watched his expression with great interest, anxious for his reaction. A minute later he took off the headphones. “What is that?”

“They’re called Radiohead. Like it?”

He made a face and shrugged, and she stuck her tongue out at him.

Another hour passed, and Tonks finally ran out of things to talk about. They sat quietly, side by side, looking into the night. Lupin was gripping the edge of the bench tightly, his breath slow and deliberate. Tonks found herself wondering what he was thinking, but knew better than to ask someone as private as Remus.

“Hey, Tonks. I need to tell you something,” he finally said slowly. “I’m — I’m a werewolf.” He shuddered. “I’m sorry. I should have told you sooner. We’ve been working together a lot — that wasn’t right for me to hold information back from you like that.”

Tonks sat there for a minute, looking at him, and she took a deep breath. “It’s okay. I already knew.”

His expression changed and he looked at her quizzically. “What? Who told you?”

She shrugged and rolled her eyes. “No one. I figured it out. I’m not a fucking idiot, Remus.”

He just looked at her for a moment with his mouth hanging open slightly, and then burst out laughing. “No, you’re certainly not an idiot.”

She grinned. “You’ve disappeared the past three months at the full moon, and then a few days later you come back looking like shit. I put it together about a week ago.”

“Very clever, Tonks.”

“So, what happened — I mean, how long ago —?”

“I was bitten as a child,” he supplied. “I was only five. I was targeted. The wolf who bit me did it to get revenge on my father. It’s — a long story. My parents tried everything, but there is no cure. So we had to move around a lot when I was a child. My parents, they sacrificed everything. Dumbledore is the only reason I was able to attend Hogwarts. He built the Shrieking Shack so I had a safe place to transform each month.”

“Shut up,” Tonks whispered. “I thought that place was haunted.”

Lupin laughed. “No, I’m afraid the screams people used to hear were just teenage me, transforming every month.”

“Wow,” Tonks breathed, smiling.

“Adult life has proved more challenging. Employment is difficult, if not impossible. I was living in a shitty cottage in Yorkshire when Dumbledore found me a few years ago to offer me the job at Hogwarts. Sometimes I do miss the quiet out there… but having company is nice too.” Lupin smiled at her.

Tonks blushed, and Remus felt his heart skip a beat. The way she looked at him hadn’t changed at all. She glanced down at the bench and noticed that their hands were touching, his pinkie finger overlapping hers ever so slightly.

They sat there like that in silence for the next hour, both hyper-aware of this slight physical contact — neither of them brave enough to make a move that would draw obvious attention to it, but neither of them pulled away either.  



	7. Seriously Smitten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, and thanks so much for reading! Lupin/Tonks is one of my favorite pairings, and I always felt like there was a lot more to them that there just wasn't time for in the books. I've become a bit obsessed with writing this story, and have done a lot of research so I can stay true to the HP canon timeline. I also looked up the lunar cycle for these exact dates, so the full moons actually line up correctly in the story! (Nerd alert) 
> 
> The this chapter includes events from the end of Goblet of Fire, so Harry will meet Tonks before too long. I'm going to include direct excerpts from Order of the Phoenix and beyond when they fit in with this story, but I will be sure to note anything that doesn't belong to me.
> 
> If you haven't read this piece about Lupin's character that J.K. Rowling published on Pottermore, I got a lot of background from it, and pulled the exact sentence about Remus being “seriously smitten” — adorable. www.wizardingworld.com/writing-by-jk-rowling/remus-lupin

**May 9, 1995**

The group congregated at Grimmauld Place for another meeting. Lupin walked into the kitchen and scanned the room, looking around at who was already there, and found himself wondering where Tonks was.

He smiled hello and exchanged pleasantries. He checked his watch. She had missed the last meeting because of work at the Ministry... maybe she got tied up again. He swallowed down his disappointment, and chose a seat across the table from Kingsley.

Molly poured a glass of red wine for Lupin, and as he turned around to thank her, he saw a quick flash of black and pink as Tonks slid into the empty chair next to him.

“Phew. Barely made it,” she said with a grin.

Lupin greeted her with a smile, but it quickly faltered when he spotted a series of dark bruises on her neck. He leaned toward her and tugged down on her jacket collar to get a better look. “What happened?” he demanded, his eyes narrowing.

Tonks glanced down and quickly vanished the bruises from her pale skin. “Oh, it’s nothing. Ran into some trouble on the job.”

“You should see the other guy,” Kingsley joked to Lupin from across the table. “Tonks was on fire last night.”

Lupin raised an eyebrow. She was chewing her lip and grinning down at her lap. “What happened?” he asked again, looking from her to Kingsley.

Kingsley leaned forward. “So Tonks and I were tailing Avery and Goyle. Avery was carrying the message we needed to intercept. I stunned Goyle, and the two of us moved on Avery — Tonks hit him with a Confundus Charm, and I checked his pockets for the message. But we didn’t notice that Goyle got back up, and before we could react, he had Tonks up against the wall with his hands around her neck.”

Lupin unconsciously clenched his fists.

Kingsley continued. “I reached for my wand to help her out, but next thing I know, the asshole’s on the ground crying, and Tonks is kicking him in the ribs with those big boots of hers — I think she actually cracked a few before I finally dragged her out of there.”

Sirius clapped Tonks on the shoulder as he walked to his seat. “Atta girl.”

“Thank you all for coming,” Dumbledore said just then, and everyone went quiet. Lupin looked back at Tonks, and her cheeks flushed pink. He held her gaze for a moment before turning away to look to the head of the table.

“Let’s get started with reports. Tonks, Remus, anything on Jugson?”

Tonks cleared her throat and spoke. “He didn’t leave his house all night. But we’ll try again. Soon.”

“Okay, good. And Tonks, I understand you and Kingsley managed to intercept a message from Avery?”

“Yes,” Kingsley replied. “It wasn’t quite smooth sailing, but we handled it.” He reached across the table to give Tonks a high five, and everyone laughed.

“Excellent. We’re working on deciphering the message in its entirety, but there was a cryptic reference to Little Hangleton, which is a start. Nice work.” Dumbledore concluded the meeting with new business, and then everyone ate.

Lupin kept looking sideways toward Tonks, occasionally catching her eye, but he could never think of the right thing to say, and ate most of his dinner in silence, just glad to be sitting next to her.

After the meeting, Lupin and Tonks both lingered at the table until they were the only two people left. She was writing furiously in her notebook. She glanced up and found that he was looking at her with a curious smile on his face.

“What?” she said, blushing.

“So, you finally got to put some of that boxing training to use in the field, huh?”

Tonks grinned. “No. Not really. I just kneed him in the balls. I’ve known how to do that for years.”

Lupin laughed loudly. “Whatever works.”

She put her pen down and swallowed, speaking in a quieter voice. “You know, I really thought he was going to kill me. For a second I was really fucking scared.”

“I can imagine. But you stayed cool under pressure. You defended yourself when it counted. I’m proud of you.” Lupin beamed at her.

Tonks nodded and looked at him, smiling shyly. “Thanks. I had a good coach.”

***

**May 28, 1995**

The door creaked open a few minutes after two in the morning, revealing a quiet house. Tonks sighed and dragged herself up the stairs to the third floor bedroom, changing into her pajamas. Her throat was dry, and she decided to make herself a cup of tea before bed.

As she walked past the drawing room, she noticed the light that spilled into the hallway from the partially closed door.

“Hey, Sirius?” Tonks inquired, pushing the door open all the way.

“Nope, sorry,” Lupin replied from a chair in the corner of the room. “It’s just me.” He closed the folder he had been looking through, and set it on the end table next to him, a glass with a neat pour of firewhisky already occupying it.

“Oh. Hey. What are you doing up?” she asked him, taking a step inside the room.

Lupin shrugged and gestured to the folder. “Working. Avoiding sleep. Drinking. Where have you been?”

“Ministry work,” she said. “But I have to be here in the morning, so I thought I’d just come crash tonight.”

“Ah. Well, in that case, can I get you a drink?”

“Yeah, sure. Thanks.”

“You look comfy.” Lupin gestured to her t-shirt and baggy flannel pants as she folded her legs under her and sat dow in the chair across from him.

“What? I’m in my sleeping clothes,” Tonks said shyly as he handed her a glass.

“As you have every right to be — it’s late. They’re just very different from what I usually see you wearing.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s true.” She grinned at him.“How’s work at the Ministry? I feel like I haven’t seen you in weeks.”

“It’s fine.” She shrugged. “I’ve been working a lot. We’ve been making a bunch of arrests these past few months.”

“I noticed,” Lupin nodded. “It’s been all over the papers. You guys are definitely doing something right.”

Tonks got a tight smile on her face and took a long sip of her drink. “What have you been up to?”

Lupin looked down at the folder on the table beside him. “On a bit of a wild goose chase I’m afraid. We’re trying to locate Peter Pettigrew. Whose name I don’t even care to mention. But it’s keeping me up all night. Trying to figure out what that rat bastard is hiding.” There was a harsh bitterness to his tone that so unlike Lupin’s normal even temperament. He looked back to her to see the look of concern on her face. “I’m sorry,” he said, shaking his head. “I’ve been having a bit of a rough time.”

She held his gaze. “I’m so sorry, Remus.”

“I just want to find him. We need to find him. All these dead ends.” He sighed. “Forget it. Let’s talk about something else. Ask me one of your questions.”

She took a sip of her drink and smiled. “Okay. What is your favorite book?”

“Hmm. That’s a hard one. Probably _Watership Down_.”

“Ooh, good pick.”

“How about you?” he asked.

“It’s a hard question for me too. Have you ever read _Rebecca?_ ”

Lupin shook his head. 

“‘Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again...’”

“Huh?”

“It’s from the book. It’s this creepy dark ghost story, but doesn’t feel that way in the beginning. I actually kind of hated the first half of it. But then there’s an awesome plot twist and you won’t be able to put it down. I don’t if it’s my absolute favorite, but it’s up there. You should read it. I’ll lend you my copy.”

“Okay,” he nodded, smiling at her, and found his cheeks getting warm.

Remus, so often melancholy and lonely, was first amused, then impressed, and by this point, was seriously smitten with the young witch.

***

**June 4, 1995**

Tonks and Lupin were sitting on a bench in a graveyard in Little Hangleton. The night was quiet, but the graveyard overlooked the house where Voldemort’s father, Tom Riddle, had lived and died. The note Tonks and Kingsley had intercepted the other night specifically referenced this town, so they sat, and waited.

Summer had just begun, and the air felt heavy with humidity, even in the dark of the night. The pair sat side by side, but the normally talkative Tonks was quiet.

“You okay?” Lupin asked.

Tonks’ head nodded and then she jerked awake. “Sorry. I’m struggling here.”

“Yeah? You do look tired.”

She smacked his arm. “That's just another way to say I look like shit.”

“No, that’s not —” 

She grinned. “I’m messing with you. I’ve been working late nights at the Ministry too. And then I lay around in bed all day trying to catch up, but I just can’t make my body sleep more than a couple hours when the sun’s up. I’m dying.”

He looked at her. “I’m wide awake. Go ahead and rest your eyes. I got this.”

“Really?” she asked, raising her eyebrows hopefully.

He nodded.

“Oh my god, thank you, Remus.”

Tonks reclined against the back of the bench and closed her eyes, folding her arms across her chest. A few minutes later she groaned and readjusted herself, trying to slouch down even more.

“Ugh. Why couldn’t we be at the safe house again tonight? There’s at least a bed there,” she grumbled.

Lupin looked over at her as she squirmed around on the hard bench, trying to get comfortable. “Oh my god, stop,” he laughed. “Come here,” he said, putting his arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer. Her eyes flew open, looking momentarily surprised, but then she leaned into him, her hand curling around his ribcage.

“Better?” he asked, his heart pounding.

“Mmm hmm,” Tonks murmured, tucking her legs underneath her and closing her eyes again. “Thanks.”

Lupin swallowed as he got used to the sensation of her warm body pressed up against him. A few minutes later, he felt her her head start to droop on his chest. Her breathing became steady and deep.

He scanned their surroundings. Still no movement. Tonks let out a little sigh in her sleep, and he felt his chest tighten. It was going to be a long night, but he suddenly didn’t mind.

***

**June 25, 1995**

Tonks got to Grimmauld Place a little before noon. The house was empty, but she quickly claimed the spare bedroom on the third floor so she could crash after work tonight. She had plenty of time, so she changed into the tank top and shorts she brought, laced up her sneakers, and went for a run in the neighborhood. The sky was overcast, which helped counter the summer heat, and Tonks ran until she was red-faced and could no longer feel her legs.

She walked in the front door, gulping water from her bottle, eagerly anticipating the long cool shower she was going to enjoy in just a minute. But instead she found Sirius coming briskly down the stairs toward the kitchen. He leveled here with an urgent look, his face pale. “Where the fuck have you been, Tonks? Hurry up.” His unusually sharp tone was jarring.

“What? What’s going on?” she asked, pulling the headphones off and they fell around her neck, but Sirius was already gone down the stairs to the kitchen.

She followed him down the stairs, her forehead creased in bewilderment as she walked into an already full room.

All the seats were taken. Everyone was there: Dumbledore standing at the head of the table, Snape to his left, and a very pale-faced McGonagall to his right. Hagrid was blubbering into a handkerchief, Sirius and Lupin sitting with tight expressions. Molly and Arthur Weasley, Emmeline Vance, Dedalus Diggle, Hestia Jones, Mundungus Fletcher, Elphias Doge. Some of these were people who only showed up to the occasional meeting, yet here they were, unexpectedly in the kitchen of Grimmauld Place in the middle of the afternoon.

Lupin glanced up and saw Tonks leaning against the wall wearing a tank top and shorts, headphones silent but still around her neck, her sweaty brow creased. 

Tonks leaned forward and tapped Molly on the shoulder. “What’s going on?”

“Emergency meeting,” Molly replied in a tense voice.

Dumbledore raised his hands, and the nervous chatter in the room immediately ceased, all eyes toward him. “Some of you know the news, others need to be filled in. I will get straight to the point. What we have feared ultimately came true last night. Voldemort has returned.”

Tonks let out an audible gasp, as did others around the room.

“Last night, as Hogwarts students Harry Potter and Cedric Diggory reached and took hold of the Triwizard Cup together, they were transported to a cemetery in Little Hangleton. Cedric was immediately murdered by Peter Pettigrew. He was only seventeen years old.”

Lupin and Tonks locked eyes, her mouth dropping open. They had just been there, in that cemetery, a few weeks ago. She’d napped on his shoulder while they sat there all night, and they hadn’t noticed anything of consequence. Had they missed something?

Dumbledore continued. “Harry’s blood was used in a Dark ritual to reconstitute a body for Voldemort, who then called his servants to him with Pettigrew’s Dark Mark. This effectively revived the Death Eaters, and then Voldemort engaged in a duel with Harry. Because of Priori Incantatem, Harry managed to escape amid the confusion and return to Hogwarts with Cedric’s body.”

More gasps and murmurs erupted across the room.

Dumbledore held up his hand. “I’m afraid, there is more. After this, Alastor Moody took Harry Potter back to his office at Hogwarts. He started to question Harry about what had happened, when Minerva, Severus and I arrived. We soon confirmed that this man was not, in fact, Moody himself, but instead, was Barty Crouch Junior, impersonating him using Polyjuice Potion, which he has been doing all school year. Alastor is unharmed, but has been kept hostage under the Imperius Curse, trapped in his own trunk all school year.”

Tonks’ hand flew to her mouth, tears springing to her eyes. She very much would have rather been in a chair, as her legs started to feel wobbly beneath her.

Lupin looked at Tonks and suddenly wished she was in the seat next to him. Something about being near her calmed him, and this news was a lot to take.

“With the use of Veritaserum, Crouch described Voldemort’s plan to resurrect himself and his own involvement in getting Harry to the graveyard. We attempted to convince a disbelieving Cornelius Fudge that Voldemort had returned, but I’m afraid that will be an uphill battle.”

“It’s time to officially reinstate the Order. If you are not interested, now is your chance to leave. But if you stay behind, we’re counting on you.” No one moved to get up from their seats.

Dumbledore turned to McGonagall. “Minerva, I trust you to hold down the fort at Hogwarts. Things will become increasingly tense, as I fear the Ministry will start to interfere even more than they already have. She gave him a tight smile.

“Severus, you know what I must ask of you. If you are ready.” 

“Of course,” Snape replied curtly.

“Arthur, Tonks, Kingsley. You are in especially precarious situations with your jobs at the Ministry. Fudge refuses to believe that Voldemort is back. Your association with the Order must, of course, continue to remain a secret. But your roles will be more crucial than ever, if you are still willing.”

Tonks swallowed and nodded, as did Arthur and Kingsley.

“When I am absent, and I will need to be on occasion, Remus will lead meetings and run day-to-day operations in my stead. Report to him when I’m not here. Sirius will remain at headquarters, so we will use him to coordinate and leave messages for each other. If you can conjure a Patronus, that is probably our most reliable form of communication.”

Dumbledore looked exhausted. “Jobs will increase in frequency. Be prepared for more long nights. Be on guard; we all will become targets. Every one of us. Watch out for each other. Stay safe.”

Tonks felt goosebumps cover her arms as the meeting disbanded, a stunned silence spread over the room. Lupin was at her side, grabbing her elbow.

“Are you okay?”

She looked up at him and shook her head. “I feel like I’m going to pass out.”

He wrapped his arm around her shoulders. “You do look really pale. Come here. Need some water?”

She nodded. Lupin helped her into a chair and returned in a moment with a glass for her to drink from. He slipped off his jacket and draped it across her trembling shoulders.

He sat down across from her, grabbing her hand. “Hey, you still with me?”

She nodded. “I went for this really long run, and my legs already felt like rubber, and I planned to get right in the shower and get some food when I finished. Then I walked back in to — all of this — and I think my body’s in shock.”

“Understandable,” said Lupin grimly. “I’ll be right back, okay?”

He left and Tonks shivered, looking around the room. Snape had gone. Sirius was pacing the room, his hands clenched in fists. Molly was sobbing, her head on her husband’s shoulder. “Oh Arthur... that poor boy.”

Lupin came back a few minutes later with apple slices and some peanut butter, and put the plate in front of her, sitting back down. “Eat.”

She beamed at him gratefully and took a bite. “Thank you.”

He took a long, shaky breath.

“Are _you_ okay?” asked Tonks.

Lupin gave her a tight smile. “Pettigrew.” 

Her eyes softening, Tonks nodded. “I know.” She took a sip from the glass of water and ate another apple slice. “That cemetery.”

“ _I know_.”

“Do you think we — missed something?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think we did.” He rubbed his temples with his fingers. “You ready for all of this?” he asked.

“Yeah. I’m in.”

“Good. Your color is coming back too.” He brushed his thumb over her cheek, and Tonks felt her skin tingle under his touch.

She swallowed hard, a chill passing down her spine. “It’s cold down here, and I’m in these ridiculous clothes.” She looked down at his jacket around her shoulders. “Can I give this back to you later?”

“Sure. Of course.”

“I’ll wash it first. I’m gross.”

“I’m not worried about that right now.”

“Okay. I’m going upstairs to shower and get dressed. Thanks for taking care of me. I’m so embarrassed.”

“About what?”

“I almost fainted. Like a fucking damsel in distress.”

Lupin laughed, and it was the first time she’d seen his smile reach his eyes since Dumbledore had shared the news. “You’re pretty much the farthest thing from a damsel in distress I can think of, Tonks. Your blood sugar was low. That’s all.” His face turned serious again. “But it sounds like I’ll see you soon.”

“Yeah. Bye, Remus. Thanks again.”


	8. You Know... For Our Cover

**July 3, 1995**

Everyone was back at Grimmauld Place a week later. Tonks was already sitting when Lupin entered the room, scribbling in her notebook. He smiled when he saw that there was an empty chair next to her, but his heart sunk when Hestia Jones slid into it. Lupin walked down to the end of the table and took a seat by Sirius.

Dumbledore cleared his throat and started the meeting. “Hello, and thank you for your time today. We’ve made some progress in identifying the Death Eaters who responded to Voldemort’s call in the graveyard. We’re also keeping an eye on those who are currently incarcerated in Azkaban, and will work to increase patrols and security, should there be a breakout attempt, which I fear there will be. Kingsley, I’m putting you on that.”

“We’ve also intercepted a message that Avery will be delivering a package tonight to someone outside a bar called The Green Dragon, around midnight. Remus, Tonks, I’m going to send you two there to keep an eye on him. Your goal is to find out what is in the package if possible, but your priority is to see who he meets with, and to do so without being seen. Do not engage, if possible.”

Tonks turned and flashed a smile at him before looking back up front. Sirius nudged his friend and winked, but Lupin just rolled his eyes.

After the rest of the meeting and dinner, Tonks went upstairs to change before they went out. Lupin waited for her in the drawing room, but when she walked through the doorway about a half hour later, his jaw dropped.

Tonks had turned her hair jet-black, a long bob with bangs. She was wearing a bright turquoise tank top and tight jeans with a pair of tall, strappy black heels. She had accessorized with an wristful of bracelets and silver hoop earrings.

Lupin looked her up and down with raised eyebrows. “Okay. I feel a little underdressed.”

She took a glance at his wrinkled cardigan sweater and khaki pants. “We’re going to a bar, Remus. Is that what you’d wear out to a bar?”

He shrugged.

“Oh my god. You’re hopeless. Come on.” She grabbed his arm and pulled him up the stairs to his room, yanking open his closet doors. Lupin hung back awkwardly as she flipped through the few articles of clothing that were hanging.

“Here,” she said finally, pulling out a blue button-down shirt and holding it up to him. “Do you have jeans or anything?”

He shook his head, looking down at the pants he was wearing. “I’ve got these… or these.”

Tonks gave him a funny look, but smiled. “Okay, that’s fine. We can make it work.” She gestured toward the cardigan. “Sweater off. You look like a librarian.”

Lupin scoffed as he handed her the sweater, taking the blue shirt instead and pulling his arms through the sleeves. He buttoned it all the way up and went to tuck it in, but she shook her head. “Untucked.”

Tonks put his sweater down on his bed and undid the top button of his shirt, spreading the collar wide. He couldn’t tear his eyes from her bright red fingernails. “That’s better,” she grinned up at him, and his heart skipped a beat. “Let’s go.”

Lupin looked down at his outfit, and then back to her. “I don’t know. I still don’t look like I belong out with you… dressed like that.” He noticed the black choker around her neck and gulped.

“You’re... fine,” she said, shrugging with a smile. “I promise. Come on.”

An hour later, they walked into The Green Dragon. The place was dark and packed, a band playing in the corner. It was hard to think over the throb of the bass, drums and loud guitar.

She grabbed his hand and pulled him through the crowd to a tiny high-top table that was available, and they both scanned the room for Avery.

Tonks gripped his arm, pulling him down toward her, her mouth right next to his ear. “See him?” she shouted over the noise.

Lupin shook his head.

“Shit. Then I guess we wait. Buy you a drink?”

He shrugged. “We can probably have one.”

She grinned and disappeared into the crowd. Lupin kept scanning the area for their target, but couldn’t find him.

His eyes flashed over to Tonks, leaning over the countertop, talking to the young bartender, who had a broad smile on his face as he handed her two drinks and winked at her. Lupin felt his mouth go dry and forced himself to look away.

Tonks walked back to the table and handed Lupin a drink, leaning into him so he could hear her over the din. His stomach lurched as she put her lips right next to his ear. “Did you see that our friend just arrived?”

“No,” Lupin said, scanning the area, trying to look casual. “Where is he?”

“Directly behind you, coming this way in fact.” She locked eyes with Lupin, taking a sip from her drink. A moment later, Avery walked right past their table, leering creepily at Tonks as he went by.

She shuddered and made a face at Lupin once he had passed. “Gross.”

Avery found a seat at the end of the bar while Lupin took the first taste of his drink and grimaced. “Damn that’s strong, girl.”

“Well, if you’re only going to let us have one…” Tonks smiled at him. She hopped up into one of the stools at their table and crossed her legs, her back to Avery. She motioned Lupin to the seat across from her. “Keep him in your sights. Pretend that you’re looking at me.” She batted her eyelashes.

Lupin rolled his eyes, but felt his cheeks flush as he settled into the seat, glancing at Avery, and then scanning the rest of the bar. They sat there, sipping their drinks and looking around them, but finding conversation difficult over the noise. “So this band’s pretty shitty, huh?” she yelled, leaning across the table toward him.

He just laughed. He watched Tonks at work, impressed once again. Outwardly, she looked casual, sitting back and just enjoying her drink, and was certainly dressed for the part. Only Lupin noticed that her eyes were constantly sweeping the room, vigilant and ready to spring into action if needed. Avery was sitting just over her shoulder, throwing back shots at the bar.

She grabbed Lupin’s wrist, looking at his watch. “It’s almost midnight,” she said. “Do you want to wait until he leaves, or should we get outside ahead of him?”

“We should probably get out there first,” Lupin said.

Tonks nodded, draining her glass. “Okay. I gotta settle our tab.”

He looked at her, raising an eyebrow. “Tab? What happened to only having one?”

“I figured if our guy didn’t show, I might be able to talk you into having another drink with me while we waited.” She shrugged with a grin and winked at him.

Lupin felt his chest tighten as she turned and went back up to the bar, and he found himself wondering how she walked in those shoes.

His eyes were moving between Avery and Tonks. Avery seemed firmly planted on his stool for the moment. Tonks was talking to the bartender again, and Lupin wished she wasn’t leaning so far over the bar. The guy standing next to her was definitely checking out her ass.

Lupin watched Tonks hand the bartender some money, but then he grabbed her wrist as she tried to leave. Lupin’s eyes narrowed. He saw Tonks shake her head and laugh, pulling her hand back from him. The guy stuck out his lower lip in an exaggerated frown, but she just waved and walked away.

She got back to the table and tugged on Lupin’s shirt sleeve. “Okay. Let’s go.”

He followed her out of the bar and they crossed the street, loitering in front of a closed shop in the shadows as they waited for Avery.

“Do you know that guy?” Lupin asked her.

“What guy?”

“The bartender.”

“No, why?” Tonks looked confused.

“I don’t know. Seemed like he was talking to you a lot.” 

Tonks smirked, amused. “He’s a bartender, Lupin. He flirts for tips. He wanted to know if I’d meet him after his shift. I told him to fuck off.”

“Oh.” Lupin was momentarily embarrassed and turned away.

Then the bar door opened again, and just as Avery walked outside, Lupin grabbed her arm and pulled her around the corner into the alley. He backed her up against the brick wall, his hands gripping her waist tightly. Tonks gasped, his face inches away from hers, and her eyes went wide as she stared up at him, her heart pounding. “Remus? What are you doing?”

Lupin leaned forward, his lips next to her ear. “Trying to give us a less conspicuous reason to be standing around outside at one in the morning. No one’s going to think twice about the couple trying to steal a minute alone. Sorry. Is this okay?” He felt suddenly nervous about making such a bold move, his hands on her body as he pinned her to the wall.

She swallowed. “Oh. Yeah. That’s smart. But maybe give your partner a little warning next time, huh, lover boy? I don’t like surprises in the field.”

He laughed and relaxed at her joke, and Tonks felt his warm breath against her cheek. “Fair enough,” he murmured. “You got eyes on our guy?”

She wrapped her arms around Lupin’s neck and peered over his shoulder. “Yep. Clear view. He’s sitting on a bench, looking around like he’s waiting for someone.”

Lupin smiled. “Good girl.”

Tonks leaned into him and couldn’t help but notice that he smelled like soap and sandalwood. She continued to scan their surroundings, absentmindedly playing with the hair on the back of his neck. Lupin felt his stomach give a lurch, and he clasped his hands behind her waist, his fingers brushing over the bare skin of her midriff. Tonks snickered and her shoulders shook with laughter.

“What?” he murmured against her hair, a tightness forming in his chest as she pressed up against his body. “Are you laughing at me?”

“No,” she smiled. “That tickled. And I giggle when I’m nervous.”

Lupin chuckled. “I’ve noticed.”

She glanced at their target, still sitting on the bench, tapping his foot impatiently. “Speaking of nerves — Avery’s getting antsy.” She looked up at Lupin, and he gulped, realizing that she was close enough he could count the freckles sprinkled across her nose and cheeks.

“I wonder who he’s waiting for. Things are about to get interesting.” He turned to look down the other end of the alley and took a deep breath, wondering how Tonks would react if he pressed her up against the bricks and kissed her right now. Not that he had the nerve. But god, he wanted to. She was beautiful tonight.

Just then, she saw a dark figure moving down the sidewalk, and her hands dropped to her side. “Hey, Remus. Hold on,” she whispered. “Someone’s coming. This could be it.”

He nodded. “Okay.” Lupin kept one hand wrapped tightly around her waist, and the other reached for his wand.

The person approached, getting closer, finally stepped under the glow of the streetlight. Tonks clutched Lupin’s arm as she took a steadying breath, her eyes darting back and forth. “He’s walking straight for Avery. I can’t see who it is yet.”

Lupin tensed, adjusting his grip on his wand, his back to the scene unfolding. “I’m following your lead, girl,” he murmured, and she gave a tight nod and leaned against him. She could feel his heart pounding too, which made her feel better about her own nerves.

Avery sat up straighter from his spot on the bench, straining his neck to look at the person approaching. Then a man Tonks had never seen before walked past the bench and continued on, opening the door to the bar, loud music and laughter spilling out into the otherwise quiet night.

She let out the breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding. “Shit. False alarm.” 

Lupin exhaled forcefully and leaned his shoulder against the wall, his back to their target. “Okay. Let’s reset. What’s Avery doing now?”

“Still just sitting. He looks annoyed.”

Lupin’s eyes suddenly narrowed and he glanced down the alley. “Wait. Did you hear that?”

She shook her head. “No.”

He took three steps away from her, his wand drawn, staring down the long, dark passage. Tonks kept her eyes fixed on Avery across the street, her heart pounding. Her fingers were instinctively poised near her waistband, ready to reach for her wand if needed. She realized that she missed the feel of Lupin’s hands on her, and her stomach fluttered at the thought.

A minute later, Lupin shook his head. “Sorry. I guess I’m hearing things.”

He walked back to her, bracing his arm against the brick wall and looked down, the corners of his lips curling up. “Tonks, how the hell are you still so short, even with those ridiculous heels on?”

Tonks tilted her chin up toward him. “Are you just noticing this?”

“Mmm. I guess so.”

“Well, then you aren’t very observant. I’ve always been short. Or are you just tall?”

He grinned. “How do you walk in those shoes anyway?”

Tonks shrugged and bit her lip. “Years of practice.”

Lupin shook his head. “I don’t get it.”

“You don’t like them?”

He looked down at her feet, his cheeks turning pink. “Uh —”

Tonks scanned the street again, and then turned her gaze back to Lupin, smirking and crossing her arms. “So… pretending to be on a date? Is that your standard move with all the female operatives?” She reached out and took his hand, lacing her fingers through his and batting her eyelashes at him jokingly.

Lupin chuckled and shrugged at her, blushing. “No. Never. I’m sorry. It was the first thing I thought of. Didn’t think we’d be standing here for quite so long. Now I’m kind of embarrassed to be honest.”

“Aww, you’re cute. But if we have to wait here too much longer, I think you might have to actually kiss me, Remus. You know... for our cover.”

He froze and stared at her, swallowing hard.

“I was kidding,” Tonks blurted out. She quickly let go of his hand, her cheeks red.

Lupin glanced down at his feet, suddenly shy. Then he cast a long look down the dark alley before finally turning his full attention back to her. His eyes were intense and slightly sad. “Hey, Tonks?” he whispered huskily.

Her heart was thudding against her ribcage. “Yeah?” she breathed. She leaned back against the brick wall, certain her legs were going to give away beneath her.

“I — uh — I just — ” Lupin reached out to tuck a stray strand of hair behind her ear, and her eyes widened. He was starting to lean in when Tonks suddenly blurted out, “Malfoy.”

“What?” said Lupin, pulling away, confused.

“Lucius Malfoy just fucking showed up,” she whispered in disbelief.

“ _Oh_. You still got a good angle on them?”

“Yes. He just sat down next to Avery. They’re talking.” Then she inhaled sharply and stepped into Lupin’s arms, burying her face in his shirt for a moment. “Shit. He just looked over here.”

“I gotcha,” he murmured, stroking her hair.

Tonks pulled back as if to gaze at Lupin’s face, but really had her eyes on Malfoy and Avery on the bench behind him.

“He still looking at us?” Lupin asked under his breath.

“Nope. Avery just slid him a package. It’s small. Small enough for him to hold in his hand and put in his pocket. And now Malfoy’s leaving. Do we follow him?”

Lupin shook his head. “No. Just seeing them together is enough for now.”

“Okay,” Tonks exhaled. “Then that’s done.”

“Let’s go,” Lupin said, grabbing her wrist and Apparating them back to Grimmauld Place. They landed on the top step and Tonks fell backward, Lupin grabbing her hand to catch her at the last minute. 

“Thanks,” she beamed up at him.

“No problem,” he mumbled, suddenly shy as he turned away from her. Back at headquarters, it felt like his moment had passed, and he’d lost all of his nerve. What could someone like her possibly want with someone like him?

They walked inside the house, and Lupin scratched his head awkwardly. “So, uh, I’ll send a message to Dumbledore. Tell him about Malfoy. Good work, Tonks.”

“I’m going to crash here again tonight. Do you want to have another drink?” she asked hopefully. “I think I need to unwind a little before bed.”

“No, sorry. Not tonight. I think I should just head to sleep.”

“Hey, Remus,” Tonks started, reaching for his hand. “Right before Lucius showed up —” 

“I have a headache, Tonks. Can we maybe talk later?”

“Oh. Yeah. Sure. Umm, goodnight.”


	9. Wotcher, Harry!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so we are entering into plot from Order of the Phoenix, when Harry (and the readers) meet Tonks for the first time. I want this story to fit in with established HP canon and plot timing, so I am including a large excerpt from the book here, which I obviously did not write and do not own!! I have added a few of my own descriptors here and there to highlight the scenes where Lupin and Tonks are together, and I did write in a scene where we follow the adults down into the kitchen for the meeting (the book goes upstairs with Harry to see Ron and Hermione). I included so much of this scene because J.K. Rowling is just incredible at character development. I questioned doing this, but feel it really adds to the Lupin and Tonks story that comes next. Please bear with me!

**July 22, 1995**

Tonks was at work at the Ministry when she heard that Dumbledore was asked to step down from the Wizengamot. He’d held the position of Chief Warlock for as far back as anyone could remember, and he’d been ousted for his belief in the truth, that Voldemort was back and was a threat to the Wizarding and Muggle worlds alike. Cornelius Fudge, however, refused to listen, and therefore the official stance of the Ministry aligned with him.

A memo went around shortly after that: “Ministry employees found to be sharing confidential information with any non-approved groups will be found guilty of treason and sentenced to life in Azkaban.” Tonks glanced around her quickly and gulped. The stakes were higher than ever.

She hadn’t been able to crash at Grimmauld Place lately because Arthur and Molly’s children were staying there over the summer, as well as a girl named Hermione who had just arrived. They were sweet kids, and Tonks didn’t really mind having them around, but she did miss having being able to stay over after a late night mission, and she especially missed the time hanging out with Lupin and Sirius. The house started to feel a little more crowded.

***

**August 3, 1995**

When Dumbledore called the next meeting, Alastor Moody was by his side, back after recuperating at St. Mungo’s from his ordeal.

“Mad-Eye,” said Tonks softly when she walked into the room, looking like she might cry.

“Aww stop looking so concerned, girl. It’s fucking embarrassing,” Moody muttered in a gruff voice, but his face softened when Tonks wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him.

Everyone took their seats, and Dumbledore started the meeting. “Harry Potter and his cousin were attacked by dementors yesterday in Little Whinging. Harry managed to fend them off with a Patronus. He was back at his aunt and uncle’s home when he received notification from the Ministry that he had been expelled from Hogwarts. Arthur became aware of this and contacted Harry, telling him to stay put, and Sirius did the same. I’ve ensured that his relatives will allow him to stay at their home in the meantime, and managed to get his expulsion reversed, pending a disciplinary hearing at the Ministry in a week’s time.”

“We need to go collect Harry from Privet Drive. I fear the dementors are signs of a greater threat against his life. He thwarted Voldemort a few weeks ago in the cemetery, and the Death Eaters are bound to make another attempt.”

“Remus, you lead the mission. Harry knows you, trusts you. Bring whoever you need to make this work. Take whatever you need. We have to move in three days. Remember that Harry’s too young to Apparate without alerting the Ministry to our actions, so you’ll need to figure out another way.”

Lupin swallowed hard and nodded. As the meeting went on, he plotted out ideas in his head, quickly dismissing some, and considering others more seriously. By the time Dumbledore was done speaking, Lupin was ready to move.

He assembled a team of Mad-Eye Moody, Emmeline Vance, Kingsley, Elphias Doge, Dedalus Diggle, Hestia Jones, Sturgis Podmore — and of course, Tonks.

“Okay. First step is we need to get his aunt and uncle out of the house.” Lupin looked around the circle, and then nudged Tonks, who was standing next to him. “Can you come up with something?”

She grinned at him. “I’m on it.”

***

**August 6, 1995**

***Much of this section is directly from _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_ by J.K. Rowling***

Harry had no particular feeling about the Dursleys leaving. It made no difference to him whether they were in the house or not. He could not summon the energy to get up and turn on his bedroom light. The room grew steadily darker around him as he lay listening to the night sounds through the window he kept open all the time, waiting for the blessed moment when Hedwig returned.

The empty house creaked around him. The pipes gurgled. Harry lay there in a kind of stupor, thinking of nothing, suspended in misery.

And then, quite distinctly, he heard a crash in the kitchen below. He sat upright, listening intently. The Dursleys couldn’t be back, it was much too soon, and in any case he hadn’t heard their car. There was silence for a few seconds, and then he heard voices. Burglars, he thought, sliding off the bed onto his feet — but a split second later it occurred to him that burglars would keep their voices down, and whoever was moving around in the kitchen was certainly not troubling to do so.

He snatched up his wand from his bedside table and stood facing his bedroom door, listening with all his might. Next moment he jumped as the lock gave a loud click and his door swung open.

Harry stood motionless, staring through the door at the dark upstairs landing, straining his ears for further sounds, but none came. He hesitated for a moment and then moved swiftly and silently out of his room to the head of the stairs.

His heart shot upward into his throat. There were people standing in the shadowy hall below, silhouetted against the streetlight glowing through the glass door; eight or nine of them, all, as far as he could see, looking up at him.

“Lower your wand, boy, before you take someone’s eye out,” said a low, growling voice. Harry’s heart was thumping uncontrollably. He knew that voice, but he did not lower his wand. “Professor Moody?” he said uncertainly.

“I don’t know so much about ‘Professor,’ ” growled the voice, “never got round to much teaching, did I? Get down here, we want to see you properly.”Harry lowered his wand slightly but did not relax his grip on it, nor did he move. He had very good reason to be suspicious. He had recently spent nine months in what he had thought was Mad-Eye Moody’s company only to find out that it wasn’t Moody at all, but an impostor; an impostor, moreover, who had tried to kill Harry before being unmasked.

But before he could make a decision about what to do next, a second, slightly hoarse voice floated upstairs. “It’s all right, Harry. We’ve come to take you away.” 

“P-Professor Lupin?” he said disbelievingly. “Is that you?”

"Why are we all standing in the dark?” said a third voice, this one unfamiliar, a young woman’s. “Lumos.” Her wand tip flared, illuminating the hall with a bright magical light.

Harry blinked. The people below were all crowded around the foot of the stairs, gazing intently up at him, some craning their heads for a better look.

Remus Lupin stood nearest to him. Though still quite young, Lupin looked tired and rather ill; he had more gray hair than when Harry had said good-bye to him, and his robes were more patched and shabbier than ever. Nevertheless, he was smiling broadly at Harry, who tried to smile back through his shock.

“Oooh, Lupin, he looks just like I thought he would,” said the witch, holding her lit wand aloft. She looked the youngest there; she had a pretty heart-shaped face, pale skin, dark twinkling eyes, and wavy, shoulder length hair that was a violent shade of violet. “Wotcher, Harry!”

“Yeah, I see what you mean, Remus,” said a bald black wizard standing farthest back; he had a deep, slow voice and wore a single gold hoop in his ear. “He looks exactly like James.” 

“Except the eyes,” said a wheezy-voiced, silver-haired wizard at the back. “Lily’s eyes.” Moody, who had long grizzled gray hair and a large chunk missing from his nose, was squinting suspiciously at Harry through his mismatched eyes. One of the eyes was small, dark, and beady, the other large, round, and electric blue — the magical eye that could see through walls, doors, and the back of his own head. “Are you quite sure it’s him?” he growled. “It’d be a nice lookout if we bring back some Death Eater impersonating him. We ought to ask him something only the real Potter would know. Unless anyone brought any Veritaserum?”

“Harry, what form does your Patronus take?” said Lupin.

“A stag,” said Harry nervously.

“That’s him, Mad-Eye,” said Lupin.

Lupin held out his hand and shook Harry’s. “How are you?” he asked, looking at him closely. 

“Fine… I’m — you’re really lucky the Dursleys are out,” he mumbled.

“Lucky, ha!” said the violet-haired witch. “It was me that lured them out of the way. Sent a letter by Muggle post telling them they’d been short-listed for the All-England Best-Kept Suburban Lawn Competition. They’re heading off to the prize-giving right now… Or so they think they are.”

She and Lupin exchanged a grin.

“We are leaving, aren’t we?” Harry asked. “Soon?”

“Almost at once,” said Lupin, “we’re just waiting for the all-clear.”

“Where are we going? The Burrow?” Harry asked hopefully.

“Not the Burrow, no,” said Lupin, motioning Harry toward the kitchen. “Too risky. We’ve set up headquarters somewhere undetectable.”

Mad-Eye Moody was now sitting at the kitchen table swigging from a flask, his magical eye spinning.

“This is Alastor Moody, Harry,” Lupin continued.

“Yeah, I know,” said Harry.

“And this is Nymphadora —”

“Don’t call me Nymphadora, Remus,” said the young witch with a shudder. “It’s Tonks.”

“— Nymphadora Tonks, who prefers to be known by her surname only,” finished Lupin, raising an eyebrow at her.

“So would you if your fool of a mother had called you Nymphadora,” muttered Tonks, sticking her tongue out at Lupin.

“And this is Kingsley Shacklebolt, Elphias Doge, Dedalus Diggle —”

“We’ve met before,” squeaked Diggle, dropping his hat.

“— Emmeline Vance, Sturgis Podmore, and Hestia Jones. A surprising number of people volunteered to come and get you,” said Lupin, the corners of his mouth twitching slightly.

“Yeah, well, the more the better,” said Moody darkly. “We’re your guard, Potter.”

“We’re just waiting for the signal to tell us it’s safe to set off,” said Lupin, glancing out of the kitchen window. “We’ve got about fifteen minutes.

“Very clean, aren’t they, these Muggles?” said Tonks, who was looking around the kitchen. “My dad’s Muggle-born and he’s a right old slob. I suppose it varies, just like with wizards?”

“Er — yeah,” said Harry. “Look, what’s going on, I haven’t heard anything from anyone, what’s Vol — ?”

Diggle dropped his hat again, and Moody growled, “Shut up!”

“What?” said Harry.

“No discussing anything here, too risky,” said Moody, turning his normal eye on Harry; his magical eye remained pointing at the ceiling. “Damn,” he said angrily, “it keeps sticking — ever since that scum wore it —” And with a nasty squelching sound like a plunger being pulled from a sink, he popped out his eye. 

“Mad-Eye, you do know that’s disgusting, don’t you?” said Tonks.

“How’re we getting — wherever we’re going?” Harry asked.

“Brooms,” said Lupin. “Only way. You’re too young to Apparate, and they’ll be watching the Floo Network. Not to mention that it’s more than our life’s worth to set up an unauthorized Portkey.”

“Remus says you’re a good flier,” said Kingsley Shacklebolt in his deep voice.

“He’s excellent,” said Lupin, who was checking his watch. “Anyway, you’d better go and get packed, Harry, we want to be ready to go when the signal comes.”

“I’ll come and help you,” said Tonks brightly.

She followed Harry back into the hall and up the stairs, looking around with much curiosity and interest.

Harry started picking up books and throwing them hastily into his trunk. Tonks paused at his open wardrobe to look critically at her reflection in the mirror on the inside of the door. “You know, I don’t think purple’s really my color,” she said pensively, tugging at a lock of hair. “D’you think it makes me look a bit peaky?”

“Er —” said Harry, looking up at her over the top of Quidditch Teams of Britain and Ireland. “Yeah, it does,” said Tonks decisively. She screwed up her face as though she were struggling to remember something. A second later, her hair turned bubble-gum pink.

“How did you do that?” said Harry, gaping at her as she opened her eyes again.

“I’m a Metamorphmagus,” she said, looking back at her reflection and turning her head so that she could see her hair from all directions. “It means I can change my appearance at will,” she added, spotting Harry’s puzzled expression. “I was born one. I got top marks in Concealment and Disguise during Auror training without any study at all, it was great.” 

“You’re an Auror?” said Harry, impressed. Being a Dark wizard catcher was the only career he’d ever considered after Hogwarts.

“Yeah,” said Tonks, looking proud. “Kingsley is as well; he’s a bit higher up than I am, though. I only qualified a year ago. Nearly failed on Stealth and Tracking, I’m dead clumsy, did you hear me break that plate when we arrived downstairs?”

“Can you learn how to be a Metamorphmagus?” Harry asked her, straightening up, completely forgetting about packing.

Tonks chuckled. “Bet you wouldn’t mind hiding that scar sometimes, eh?” Her eyes found the lightning-shaped scar on Harry’s forehead.

“No, I wouldn’t mind,” Harry mumbled. He didn’t like people staring at his scar. 

“Well, you’ll have to learn the hard way, I’m afraid. Metamorphmagi are really rare, they’re born, not made. Most wizards need to use a wand or potions to change their appearance… But we’ve got to get going, Harry, we’re supposed to be packing,” she added guiltily, looking around at all the mess on the floor.

“Oh — yeah,” said Harry, grabbing up a few more books.

“Don’t be stupid, it’ll be much quicker if I pack!” cried Tonks, waving her wand in a long, sweeping movement over the floor. Books, clothes, telescope, and scales all soared into the air and flew pell-mell into the trunk.

“It’s not very neat,” said Tonks, walking over to the trunk and looking down at the jumble inside. “My mum’s got this knack of getting stuff to fit itself in neatly — she even gets the socks to fold themselves — but I’ve never mastered how she does it — it’s a kind of flick — ah, well,” said Tonks, slamming the trunk’s lid shut, “at least it’s all in. Okay, let’s go. Locomotor Trunk.” Harry’s trunk rose a few inches into the air. Holding her wand like a conductor’s baton, Tonks made it hover across the room and out of the door ahead of them, Hedwig’s cage in her left hand. Harry followed her down the stairs carrying his broomstick.

Back in the kitchen, Moody had replaced his eye, which was spinning so fast after its cleaning it made Harry feel sick. Kingsley Shacklebolt and Sturgis Podmore were examining the microwave and Hestia Jones was laughing at a potato peeler she had come across while rummaging in the drawers. Lupin was sealing a letter addressed to the Dursleys.

“Excellent,” said Lupin, looking up as Tonks and Harry entered. “We’ve got about a minute, I think. We should probably get out into the garden so we’re ready. Harry, I’ve left a letter telling your aunt and uncle not to worry —”

“They won’t,” said Harry.

“That you’re safe —”

“That’ll just depress them.” 

“— and you’ll see them next summer.”

“Do I have to?”

Lupin smiled but made no answer.

“Come on,” said Moody, unlocking the back door with his wand. They all stepped outside onto Uncle Vernon’s beautifully kept lawn. “Clear night,” grunted Moody, his magical eye scanning the heavens. “Could’ve done with a bit more cloud cover. Right, you,” he barked at Harry, “we’re going to be flying in close formation. Tonks’ll be right in front of you, keep close on her tail. Lupin’ll be covering you from below. I’m going to be behind you. The rest’ll be circling us. We don’t break ranks for anything, got me? If one of us is killed —”

“Is that likely?” Harry asked apprehensively, but Moody ignored him.

“— the others keep flying, don’t stop, don’t break ranks. If they take out all of us and you survive, Harry, the rear guard are standing by to take over; keep flying east and they’ll join you.”

“Stop being so cheerful, Mad-Eye, he’ll think we’re not taking this seriously,” said Tonks, as she strapped Harry’s trunk and Hedwig’s cage to her broom. 

“I’m just telling the boy the plan,” growled Moody. “Our job’s to deliver him safely to headquarters and if we die in the attempt —”

“No one’s going to die,” said Kingsley Shacklebolt in his deep, calming voice.

“Mount your brooms, that’s the first signal!” said Lupin sharply, pointing into the sky. Far, far above them, a shower of bright red sparks had flared among the stars. “Second signal, let’s go!” said Lupin, as more sparks, green this time, exploded high above them. 

Harry kicked off hard from the ground. The cool night air rushed through his hair as the neat square gardens of Privet Drive fell away, shrinking rapidly into a patchwork of dark greens and blacks, and every thought of the Ministry hearing was swept from his mind as though the rush of air had blown it out of his head.

They altered their course every now and then according to MadEye’s instructions. Harry’s eyes were screwed up against the rush of icy wind that was starting to make his ears ache.

“We should double back to make sure we’re not being followed!” Moody shouted.

“ARE YOU MAD, MAD-EYE?” Tonks screamed from the front. “We’re frozen to our brooms! If we keep going off course we’re not going to get there until next week! We’re nearly there now!” 

“Time to start the descent!” came Lupin’s voice. “Follow Tonks, Harry!”

Harry followed Tonks into a dive. “Here we go!” she called, and a few seconds later she landed. Harry touched down right behind her and dismounted on a patch of grass in the middle of a small square. Tonks was already unbuckling Harry’s trunk.

“Where are we?” Harry asked, but Lupin just said quietly, “In a minute.”

Mad-Eye took Harry by the arm and led him away. Tonks and Lupin exchanged a nod and each grabbed an end of Harry’s trunk and lifted it — the non magical way — carrying it up the sidewalk.

“Here,” Moody muttered, thrusting a piece of parchment toward Harry’s hand and holding his lit wand close to it, so as to illuminate the writing. “Read quickly and memorize.”

“What’s the Order of the — ?” Harry began to ask.

“Not here, boy!” snarled Moody. “Wait till we’re inside!” He pulled the piece of parchment out of Harry’s hand and set fire to it with his wand tip.

“But where’s — ?”

“Think about what you’ve just memorized,” said Lupin quietly.

A moment later, a battered door emerged out of nowhere between numbers eleven and thirteen.“Come on, hurry,” growled Moody, prodding Harry in the back. 

Harry walked up the stone steps, staring at the newly materialized door. Lupin pulled out his wand and tapped the door once. After many loud, metallic clicks and what sounded like the clatter of a chain, the door creaked open.

“Get in quick, Harry,” Lupin whispered. “But don’t go far inside and don’t touch anything.” Harry stepped over the threshold into the almost total darkness of the hall. Lupin and Tonks carried in his trunk and Hedwig’s cage. 

“Now stay still, everyone, while I give us a bit of light in here,” Moody whispered. There were footsteps and Molly emerged from a door at the far end of the hall. “Oh, Harry, it’s lovely to see you!” she whispered, pulling him into a rib-cracking hug before examining him critically. “You’re looking peaky; you need feeding, but you’ll have to wait a bit for dinner, I’m afraid.”

She turned to the group behind him and whispered urgently, “He’s just arrived, the meeting’s started. No, not you Harry, the meeting’s only for members of the Order. Ron and Hermione are upstairs…”

Molly led a disappointed Harry upstairs, and Tonks followed Lupin down into the kitchen. Dumbledore was already standing at the head of the table, McGonagall, Hagrid, Arthur Weasley, Sirius were already seated as the Advance Guard entered the room to the sound of their applause.

Tonks’ face turned pink as she took a seat next to McGonagall, who patted her on the back with a proud, tight smile.

Dumbledore motioned Lupin up to the head of the table. “No problems?”

Lupin shook his head. “Smooth sailing. Harry’s upstairs with the other kids.”

Sirius grinned. “Let’s get him down here. He can sit in on the meeting.”

“Absolutely not,” Molly insisted forcefully. “He’s not of age.”

“I don’t give a shit, Molly. He deserves to hear all of this.”

“Don’t speak to me that way, Sirius,” she leveled back. “Harry’s too young.”

“Says who?”

“Says me.” Molly's chin jutted out protectively.

“And who are you to him?” Sirius demanded angrily.

“Hey,” Lupin jumped in. “Knock it off, you two. You both care about Harry; it’s not a competition. Dumbledore, anything new to report?”

“We’re in a holding pattern at the Ministry. Harry will have to attend a hearing. Arthur, I was hoping you could bring him? It’s on the 12th.”

“Sure. Of course,” Arthur spoke up.

“What about the dementors?” asked Lupin. “What were they doing in Little Whinging? Who authorized them to be in a Muggle town? This is getting out of hand, Albus.”

“I’m still looking into that. Unfortunately I can’t stay long tonight. I need to get back to Hogwarts. Still trying to figure all of this out, to be honest.”

“Wait. You’re not going to see Harry?” Sirius asked, confused. 

“No, I’m afraid that won’t be possible tonight,” Dumbledore said without any elaboration. He clapped Lupin on the shoulder. “Excellent work, everyone.”

Dumbledore rushed out the room, and everyone seemed stunned by his abrupt exit.

Molly shrugged, shaking her head. “Well, okay. You’re all welcome to stay for dinner. But if you do, no Order talk in front of the kids. You hear?”

***

As Harry, Ron, and Hermione passed the row of house-elf heads on the wall they saw Lupin, Mrs. Weasley, and Tonks at the front door, magically sealing its many locks and bolts behind those who had just left.

“We’re eating down in the kitchen,” Mrs. Weasley whispered, meeting them at the bottom of the stairs. “Harry, dear, if you’ll just tiptoe across the hall, it’s through this door here —”

_CRASH._

“Tonks!” cried Molly exasperatedly, turning to look behind her.

“I’m sorry!” wailed Tonks, who was lying flat on the floor. Lupin held out his hand and pulled her to her feet, an amused smile on his face. “It’s that stupid umbrella stand, that’s the second time I’ve tripped over —” 

But the rest of her words were drowned by a horrible, earsplitting, bloodcurdling screech. The moth-eaten velvet curtains Harry had passed earlier had flown apart.

For a second, Harry thought he was looking through a window, a window behind which an old woman in a black cap was screaming and screaming as though she was being tortured — and as she screamed, all along the hall behind them, the other portraits awoke and began to yell too, so that Harry actually screwed up his eyes at the noise and clapped his hands over his ears.

Lupin and Mrs. Weasley darted forward and tried to tug the curtains shut over the woman, but they wouldn’t close and she screeched louder than ever, brandishing clawed hands as though trying to tear at their faces. Tonks apologized over and over again, while Lupin swallowed his laughter. Mrs. Weasley abandoned the attempt to close the curtains and hurried up and down the hall, stunning all the other portraits with her wand.

Then a man with long black hair came charging out of a door. “Hello, Harry,” he said grimly, “I see you’ve met my mother. We’ve been trying to get her down for a month but we think she put a Permanent Sticking Charm on the back of the canvas. Let’s get downstairs, quick, before they all wake up again.”

“But what’s a portrait of your mother doing here?” Harry asked, bewildered, as they went through the door from the hall and led the way down a flight of narrow stone steps, the others just behind them.

“Hasn’t anyone told you? This was my parents’ house,” said Sirius. “But I’m the last Black left, so it’s mine now. I offered it to Dumbledore for headquarters — about the only useful thing I’ve been able to do.”

Harry, who had expected a better welcome, noted how hard and bitter Sirius’s voice sounded. He followed his godfather to the bottom of the stairs and through a door leading into the basement kitchen. It was scarcely less gloomy than the hall above, a cavernous room with rough stone walls. Most of the light was coming from a large fire at the far end of the room.

A haze of pipe smoke hung in the air like battle fumes, through which loomed the menacing shapes of heavy iron pots and pans hanging from the dark ceiling. Many chairs had been crammed into the room for the meeting and a long wooden table stood in the middle of the room, littered with rolls of parchment, goblets, empty wine bottles, and a heap of what appeared to be rags. Mr. Weasley and his eldest son, Bill, were talking quietly with their heads together at the end of the table.

Mrs. Weasley cleared her throat. Her husband, a thin, balding, red-haired man, who wore horn-rimmed glasses, looked around and jumped to his feet.

“Harry!” Mr. Weasley said, hurrying forward to greet him and shaking his hand vigorously. “Good to see you!” Over his shoulder Harry saw Bill, who wore his long hair in a ponytail, rolling up the lengths of parchment left on the table.

“Journey all right, Harry?” Bill called, trying to gather up twelve scrolls at once. “Mad-Eye didn’t make you come via Greenland, then?”

“He tried,” said Tonks, striding over to help Bill and sending a candle toppling onto the last piece of parchment. “Oh no — sorry —”

“Here, dear,” said Mrs. Weasley, sounding exasperated, repairing the parchment with a wave of her wand. Harry caught a glimpse of what looked like the plan of a building. Mrs. Weasley had seen him looking. She snatched the plan off the table and stuffed it into Bill’s heavily laden arms. “This sort of thing ought to be cleared away promptly at the end of meetings,” she snapped before sweeping off toward an ancient dresser from which she started unloading dinner plates.

Bill took out his wand, muttered “Evanesco!” and the scrolls vanished.

“Sit down, Harry,” said Sirius. “You’ve met Mundungus, haven’t you?”

The thing Harry had taken to be a pile of rags gave a prolonged, grunting snore and then jerked awake. “Some’n say m’ name?” Mundungus mumbled sleepily.

“Meeting’s over, Dung,” said Sirius, as they all sat down around him at the table. “Harry’s arrived.”

“Eh?” said Mundungus, peering balefully at Harry through his matted ginger hair. “Blimey, so ’e ’as. Yeah . . . you all right, ’arry?”

“Yeah,” said Harry. Mundungus fumbled nervously in his pockets, still staring at Harry, and pulled out a grimy black pipe. He stuck it in his mouth, ignited the end of it with his wand, and took a deep pull on it. “Owe you a ’pology,” grunted a voice from the middle of the smelly cloud.

“For the last time, Mundungus,” called Mrs. Weasley, “will you please not smoke that thing in the kitchen, especially not when we’re about to eat!”

“Ah,” said Mundungus. “Right. Sorry, Molly.” The cloud of smoke vanished as Mundungus stowed his pipe back in his pocket, but an acrid smell of burning socks lingered.

“And if you want dinner before midnight I’ll need a hand,” Mrs. Weasley said to the room at large. “No, you can stay where you are, Harry dear, you’ve had a long journey.”

Soon a series of knives were chopping meat and vegetables of their own accord, supervised by Mr. Weasley, while Mrs. Weasley stirred a cauldron dangling over the fire and the others took out plates, more goblets, and food from the pantry. Harry was left at the table with Sirius and Mundungus, who was still blinking mournfully at him.

“Had a good summer so far?” Sirius asked his godson.

“No, it’s been lousy,” said Harry.

For the first time, something like a grin flitted across Sirius’s face. “Don’t know what you’re complaining about, myself.”

“What?” said Harry incredulously.

“Personally, I’d have welcomed a dementor attack. A deadly struggle for my soul would have broken the monotony nicely. You think you’ve had it bad, at least you’ve been able to get out and about, stretch your legs, get into a few fights... I’ve been stuck inside for months.”

“How come?” asked Harry, frowning.

“Because the Ministry of Magic’s still after me, and Voldemort will know all about me being an Animagus by now, Wormtail will have told him, so my big disguise is useless. There’s not much I can do for the Order... or so Dumbledore feels.” There was something about the flat tone of voice in which Sirius uttered Dumbledore’s name that told Harry that Sirius was not very happy with the headmaster either. Harry felt a sudden upsurge of affection for his godfather.

“At least you’ve known what’s been going on,” he said bracingly.

“Oh yeah,” said Sirius sarcastically. “Listening to Snape’s reports, having to take all his snide hints that he’s out there risking his life while I’m sat on my backside here having a nice comfortable time... asking me how the cleaning’s going —”

“What cleaning?” asked Harry.

“Still trying to make this place fit for human habitation,” said Sirius, waving a hand around the dismal kitchen. “No one’s lived here for ten years, not since my dear mother died, unless you count her old house-elf, and he’s gone round the twist, hasn’t cleaned anything in ages —” 

“Sirius?” said Mundungus, who did not appear to have paid any attention to this conversation, but had been examining an empty goblet. “Is this solid silver, mate?”

“Yes,” said Sirius, surveying it with distaste. “Finest fifteenth century goblin-wrought silver, embossed with the Black family crest.”

“That’d come off, though,” muttered Mundungus, polishing it with his cuff.“

Fred — George — NO, JUST CARRY THEM!” Mrs. Weasley shrieked. Harry, Sirius, and Mundungus looked around and, a split second later, dived away from the table. Fred and George had bewitched a large cauldron of stew, an iron flagon of butterbeer, and a heavy wooden breadboard, complete with knife, to hurtle through the air toward them. The stew skidded the length of the table and came to a halt just before the end, leaving a long black burn on the wooden surface, the flagon of butterbeer fell with a crash, spilling its contents, and the knife slipped off the board and landed, point down and quivering ominously, exactly where Sirius’s right hand had been seconds before.

“FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE!” screamed Mrs. Weasley. “THERE WAS NO NEED — JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE ALLOWED TO USE MAGIC NOW YOU DON’T HAVE TO WHIP YOUR WANDS OUT FOR EVERY TINY LITTLE THING!”

“We were just trying to save a bit of time!” said Fred, hurrying forward and wrenching the bread knife out of the table. “Sorry Sirius — didn’t mean to —”

Harry and Sirius were both laughing. Mundungus, who had toppled backward off his chair, was swearing as he got to his feet. 

“Boys,” Mr. Weasley said, lifting the stew back onto the table, “your mother’s right, you’re supposed to show a sense of responsibility now you’ve come of age.”

“— none of your brothers caused this sort of trouble!” Mrs. Weasley raged at the twins, slamming a fresh flagon of butterbeer onto the table and spilling almost as much again. “Bill didn’t feel the need to Apparate every few feet! Charlie didn’t Charm everything he met! Percy —” She stopped dead, catching her breath with a frightened look at her husband, whose expression was suddenly wooden.

“Let’s eat,” said Bill quickly.

“It looks wonderful, Molly,” said Lupin.

For a few minutes there was silence but for the chink of plates and cutlery and the scraping of chairs as everyone settled down to their food.

Then Molly turned to Sirius. “I’ve been meaning to tell you, there’s something trapped in that writing desk in the drawing room, it keeps rattling and shaking. Of course, it could just be a boggart, but I thought we ought to ask Alastor to have a look at it before we let it out.”

“Whatever you like,” said Sirius indifferently.

Opposite Harry, Tonks was entertaining Hermione and Ginny by transforming her nose between mouthfuls. Screwing up her eyes each time with the same pained expression she had worn back in Harry’s bedroom, her nose swelled to a beaklike protuberance like Snape’s, shrank to something resembling a button mushroom, and then sprouted a great deal of hair from each nostril. Apparently this was a regular mealtime entertainment, because after a while Hermione and Ginny started requesting their favorite noses.

“Do that one like a pig snout, Tonks...” 

Mr. Weasley, Bill, and Lupin were having an intense discussion about goblins. “They’re not giving anything away yet,” said Bill. “I still can’t work out whether they believe he’s back or not. ’Course, they might prefer not to take sides at all. Keep out of it.”

“I’m sure they’d never go over to You-Know-Who,” said Mr. Weasley, shaking his head. “They’ve suffered losses too. Remember that goblin family he murdered last time, somewhere near Nottingham?”

“I think it depends what they’re offered,” said Lupin. “If they’re offered freedoms we’ve been denying them for centuries they’re going to be tempted. Have you still not had any luck with Ragnok, Bill?”

“He’s still feeling pretty anti-wizard at the moment,” said Bill. “He hasn’t stopped raging about the Bagman business, he reckons the Ministry did a cover-up, those goblins never got their gold from him, you know —”

Three helpings of rhubarb crumble later, and the waistband on Harry’s jeans was feeling uncomfortably tight (which was saying something, as the jeans had once been Dudley’s). He lay down his spoon in a lull in the general conversation.Mr. Weasley was leaning back in his chair, looking replete and relaxed, Tonks was yawning widely, her nose now back to normal, and Ginny was sitting cross-legged on the floor, rolling butterbeer corks for Crookshanks to chase.

“Nearly time for bed, I think,” said Mrs. Weasley on a yawn.

“Not just yet, Molly,” said Sirius, pushing away his empty plate and turning to look at Harry with narrowed eyes. “You know, I’m surprised at you. I thought the first thing you’d do when you got here would be to start asking questions about Voldemort.”

“I did!” said Harry indignantly. “I asked Ron and Hermione but they said we’re not allowed in the Order, so —”

“And they’re quite right,” said Molly. “You’re too young.” 

“Since when did someone have to be in the Order to ask questions?” asked Sirius. “Harry’s been trapped in that Muggle house for a month. He’s got the right to know what’s been happen —” 

“Hang on!” interrupted George loudly.

“How come Harry gets his questions answered?” said Fred angrily.

“It’s not my fault you haven’t been told what the Order’s doing,” said Sirius calmly. “That’s your parents’ decision. But now, Harry, on the other hand —”

“It’s not down to you to decide what’s good for Harry!” said Molly sharply. Her normally kindly face looked dangerous. “You haven’t forgotten what Dumbledore said, I suppose?”

“Which bit?” Sirius asked politely, but with an air as though readying himself for a fight.

“The bit about not telling Harry more than he needs to know,” said Molly, placing a heavy emphasis on the last three words.

Ron, Hermione, Fred, and George’s heads turned from Sirius to Molly as though following a tennis rally. Lupin’s eyes were fixed on Sirius. Tonks just looked around awkwardly, not wanting to get caught in the middle.

“I won’t tell him more than he needs to know, Molly,” said Sirius. “But as he was the one who saw Voldemort come back, he has more right than most to —”

“He’s not a member of the Order of the Phoenix!” said Molly. “He’s only fifteen and —”

“He’s dealt with as much as most in the Order,” said Sirius. “More than some.”

“No one’s denying what he’s done!” said Molly, her voice rising, her fists trembling on the arms of her chair. “But he’s still —”

“He’s not a child!” said Sirius impatiently. 

“He’s not an adult either!” said Molly, the color rising in her cheeks. “He’s not James, Sirius!”

“I’m perfectly clear who he is, thanks, Molly,” said Sirius coldly.

“I’m not sure you are!” she said. “Sometimes, the way you talk about him, it’s as though you think you’ve got your best friend back!”

“What’s wrong with that?” said Harry.

“What’s wrong, Harry, is that you are not your father, however much you might look like him!” said Molly, her eyes still boring into Sirius. “You are still at school and adults responsible for you should not forget it!”

“Meaning I’m an irresponsible godfather?” demanded Sirius, his voice rising.

“Meaning you’ve been known to act rashly, Sirius, which is why Dumbledore keeps reminding you to stay at home and —”

“We’ll leave my instructions from Dumbledore out of this!” said Sirius loudly. 

“Arthur!” said Molly, rounding on her husband. “Arthur, back me up!”

Arthur did not speak at once. He took off his glasses and cleaned them slowly on his robes, not looking at his wife. Only when he had replaced them carefully on his nose did he say, “Dumbledore knows the position has changed, Molly. He accepts that Harry will have to be filled in to a certain extent now that he is staying at headquarters —”

“Yes, but there’s a difference between that and inviting him to ask whatever he likes!” 

“Personally,” said Lupin quietly, “I think it better that Harry gets the facts — not all the facts, but the general picture — from us, rather than a garbled version from… others.”

“Well,” said Molly, breathing deeply and looking around the table for support that did not come, “I can see I’m going to be overruled. I’ll just say this: Dumbledore must have had his reasons for not wanting Harry to know too much, and speaking as someone who has got Harry’s best interests at heart —”

“He’s not your son,” said Sirius quietly.

“He’s as good as,” said Molly fiercely. “Who else has he got?”

“He’s got me!”

“Yes,” said Molly, her lip curling. “The thing is, it’s been rather difficult for you to look after him while you’ve been locked up in Azkaban, hasn’t it?” Sirius started to rise from his chair.

“Molly, now you’re not the only person at this table who cares about Harry,” said Lupin sharply. “Sirius, sit down.”

Molly’s lower lip was trembling. Sirius sank back into his chair, his face white.

“I think Harry ought to be allowed a say in this,” Lupin continued. “He’s old enough to decide for himself.”

“I want to know what’s been going on,” Harry said at once.

“Very well,” said Molly, her voice cracking. “Ginny — Ron — Hermione — Fred — George — I want you out of this kitchen, now.” There was instant uproar.

“We’re of age!” Fred and George bellowed together.

“If Harry’s allowed, why can’t I?” shouted Ron.

“Mum, I want to!” wailed Ginny. 

“NO!” shouted Molly, standing up, her eyes overbright. “I absolutely forbid —”

“Molly, you can’t stop Fred and George,” said Arthur wearily. “They are of age —”

“They’re still at school —”

“But they’re legally adults now,” said Arthur in the same tired voice.

Molly was now scarlet in the face. “I — oh, all right then, Fred and George can stay, but Ron —”

“Harry will just tell me and Hermione everything you say anyway!” said Ron hotly. “Won’t — won’t you?” he added uncertainly, meeting Harry’s eyes. 

“Of course I will,” Harry said. Ron and Hermione beamed.

“Fine!” shouted Molly. “Fine! Ginny — BED!”

Ginny did not go quietly. They could hear her raging and storming at her mother all the way up the stairs, and when she reached the hall Mrs. Black’s earsplitting shrieks were added to the din. Lupin hurried off to the portrait to restore calm.It was only after he had returned, closing the kitchen door behind him and taking his seat at the table again, that Sirius spoke. “Okay, Harry… what do you want to know?”

Harry took a deep breath. “Where’s Voldemort? What’s he doing? I’ve been trying to watch the Muggle news, and there hasn’t been anything that looks like him yet, no funny deaths or anything —” 

“That’s because there haven’t been any suspicious deaths yet,” said Sirius, “not as far as we know, anyway. . . . And we know quite a lot.”

“More than he thinks we do anyway,” said Lupin.

“How come he’s stopped killing people?” Harry asked. He knew that Voldemort had murdered more than once in the last year alone.

“Because he doesn’t want to draw attention to himself at the moment,” said Sirius. “It would be dangerous for him. His comeback didn’t come off quite the way he wanted it to, you see. He messed it up.”

“Or rather, you messed it up for him,” said Lupin with a satisfied smile.

“How?” Harry asked perplexedly.

“Because you’re not supposed to be alive!” said Sirius. “Nobody except for the Death Eaters was supposed to know that he’d come back. But then you survived to bear witness.”

“And the very last person he wanted alerted to his return the moment he got back was Dumbledore,” said Lupin. “And you made sure Dumbledore knew at once.”

“How has that helped?” Harry asked.

“Are you kidding?” said Bill incredulously. “Dumbledore was the only one You-Know-Who was ever scared of!”

“Thanks to you, Dumbledore was able to officially recall the Order of the Phoenix about an hour after Voldemort returned,” said Sirius.

“So what’s the Order been doing?” said Harry, looking around at them all.

“Working to make sure Voldemort can’t carry out his plans,” said Sirius.

“How d’you know what his plans are?” Harry asked quickly.

“Dumbledore’s got a shrewd idea,” said Lupin, “and Dumbledore’s shrewd ideas normally turn out to be accurate.”

“So what does Dumbledore reckon he’s planning?”

“Well, firstly, he wants to build up his army again,” said Sirius. “In the old days he had huge numbers at his command; witches and wizards he’d bullied or bewitched into following him, his faithful Death Eaters, a great variety of Dark creatures. You heard him planning to recruit the giants; well, they’re just one of the groups that he’s after. He’s certainly not going to try and take on the Ministry of Magic with only a dozen Death Eaters.”

“So you’re trying to stop him getting more followers?”

“We’re doing our best,” said Lupin.

“How?”

“Well, the main thing is to try and convince as many people as possible that You-Know-Who really has returned,” said Bill. “It’s tricky, though.”

“Why?”

“Because of the Ministry’s attitude,” said Tonks. “You saw Fudge after You-Know-Who came back, Harry. He’s absolutely refusing to believe it’s happened.”

“Why?” said Harry desperately. “Why’s he being so stupid? If Dumbledore —”

“Ah, well, you’ve put your finger on the problem,” said Arthur with a wry smile. “Dumbledore.”

“Fudge is frightened of him, you see,” said Tonks sadly.

“Frightened of Dumbledore?” said Harry incredulously.

“Frightened of what he’s up to,” said Mr. Weasley. “Fudge thinks Dumbledore is plotting to overthrow him as Minister of Magic.”

“But Dumbledore doesn’t want —”

“Of course he doesn’t,” said Arthur. “He’s never wanted the Minister’s job, even though a lot of people wanted him to take it when Millicent Bagnold retired. Fudge came to power instead, but he’s never quite forgotten how much popular support Dumbledore had, even though Dumbledore never applied for the job.”

“Deep down, Fudge knows that Dumbledore’s much cleverer than he is, a much more powerful wizard,” said Lupin. “But it seems that he’s become fond of power now, and much more confident. He loves being the Minister of Magic, and he’s managed to convince himself that he’s the clever one and Dumbledore’s simply stirring up trouble for the sake of it.”

“How can he think that?” said Harry angrily. “How can he think Dumbledore would just make it all up — that I’d make it all up?”

“Because accepting that Voldemort’s back would mean trouble like the Ministry hasn’t had to cope with for nearly fourteen years,” said Sirius bitterly. “Fudge just can’t bring himself to face it.”

“You see the problem,” said Lupin. “While the Ministry insists there is nothing to fear from Voldemort, it’s hard to convince people he’s back, especially as they really don’t want to believe it in the first place. What’s more, the Ministry’s leaning heavily on the Prophet not to report anything, so most of the Wizarding community are completely unaware anything’s happened.”

“But you’re telling people,” said Harry, looking around at Arthur, Sirius, Bill, Mundungus, Lupin, and Tonks. “You’re letting people know he’s back?” They all smiled humorlessly.

“Well, as everyone thinks I’m a mad mass murderer and the Ministry’s put a ten-thousand-Galleon price on my head, I can hardly stroll up the street and start handing out leaflets, can I?” said Sirius restlessly.

“And I’m not a popular dinner guest with most of the community,” said Lupin. “It’s an occupational hazard of being a werewolf.” 

“Tonks and Arthur would lose their jobs at the Ministry if they started shooting their mouths off,” said Sirius, “and it’s very important for us to have spies inside the Ministry, because you can bet Voldemort will have them.”

“We’ve managed to convince a few people, though,” said Arthur. “Tonks here is too young to have been in the Order last time, and having Aurors on our side is a huge advantage — Kingsley Shacklebolt’s been a real asset too. He’s in charge of the hunt for Sirius, so he’s been feeding them information that Sirius is in Tibet.”

“But if none of you are putting out the news out that Voldemort’s back —” Harry began.

“Who said none of us was putting the news out?” said Sirius. “Why d’you think Dumbledore’s in such trouble?”

“What d’you mean?” Harry asked.

“They’re trying to discredit him,” said Lupin. “Did you see the Daily Prophet last week? They reported that he was voted off the Chairmanship of the International Confederation of Wizards because he’s losing his grip, but it’s not true. He was voted out by the Ministry after he made a speech about Voldemort’s return. They’ve demoted him from Chief Warlock on the Wizengamot, and now they’re talking about taking away his Order of Merlin, First Class, too.”

“But Dumbledore says he doesn’t care what they do as long as they don’t take him off the Chocolate Frog cards,” said Bill, grinning.

“It’s no laughing matter,” said Arthur shortly. “If he keeps on defying the Ministry like this, he could end up in Azkaban and the last thing we want is Dumbledore locked up. While You-Know-Who knows Dumbledore’s out there and wise to what he’s up to, he’s going to go cautiously for a while. If Dumbledore’s out of the way — well, You-Know-Who will have a clear field.” 

“But if Voldemort’s trying to recruit more Death Eaters, it’s bound to get out that he’s come back, isn’t it?” asked Harry desperately.

“Voldemort doesn’t march up to people’s houses and bang on their front doors,” said Sirius. “He tricks, jinxes, and blackmails. He’s well-practiced at operating in secrecy. In any case, gathering followers is only one thing he’s interested in, he’s got other plans too, plans he can put into operation very quietly indeed, and he’s concentrating on them at the moment.”

“What’s he after apart from followers?” Harry asked swiftly.

Sirius and Lupin exchanged the most fleeting of looks before Sirius said, “Stuff he can only get by stealth. Like a weapon. Something he didn’t have last time.”

“When he was powerful before?”

“Yes.”

“What kind of weapon?” said Harry. “Worse than Avada Kedavra — ?”

“That’s enough.” Molly spoke from the shadows beside the door. Her arms were crossed and she looked furious. “I want you in bed, now. All of you,” she added, looking around at Fred, George, Ron, and Hermione.

“You can’t boss us —” Fred began.

“Watch me,” snarled Molly. She was trembling slightly as she looked at Sirius. “You’ve given Harry plenty of information. Any more and you might just as well induct him into the Order straightaway.”

“Why not?” said Harry quickly. “I’ll join, I want to join, I want to fight —”

“No.” It was not Molly who spoke this time, but Lupin. “The Order is comprised only of overage wizards,” he said. “Wizards who have left school,” he added, as Fred and George opened their mouths. “There are dangers involved of which you can have no idea, any of you… I think Molly’s right, Sirius. We’ve said enough.”

Sirius half-shrugged but did not argue. Molly beckoned imperiously to her sons and Hermione and ushered them upstairs to bed.


	10. Tequila Shots

**August 21, 1995**

***This section is directly from _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_ by J.K. Rowling***

Ron and Hermione were both named Gryffindor prefects, and Molly wanted to throw a party to celebrate. She invited members of the Order to join them at the Burrow.

Down in the basement Molly had hung a scarlet banner over the dinner table, which read _Congratulations Ron and Hermione — New Prefects_. “I thought we’d have a little party, not a sit-down dinner. Your father and Bill are on their way, Ron, I’ve sent them both owls and they’re thrilled.”

Sirius, Lupin, Tonks, and Kingsley Shacklebolt were already there and Mad-Eye Moody stumped in shortly after.

“Well, I think a toast is in order,” said Arthur, when everyone had a drink. He raised his goblet. “To Ron and Hermione, the new Gryffindor prefects!”Ron and Hermione beamed as everyone drank to them and then applauded.

“I was never a prefect myself,” said Tonks brightly as everybody moved toward the table to help themselves to food. Her hair was tomato-red and waist length today; she almost looked like Ginny’s older sister. “My Head of House said that I lacked certain necessary qualities.”

“Like what?” said Ginny, who was choosing a baked potato.

“Like the ability to behave myself,” said Tonks with a wink.

Lupin looked down at his hands, a grin spreading across his face as everyone else chuckled.

“What about you, Sirius?” Ginny asked.

Sirius, who was right beside Harry, let out his usual barklike laugh. “No one would have made me a prefect, I spent too much time in detention with James. Lupin was the good boy, he got the badge.”

“Nah. I just think Dumbledore might have hoped that I would be able to exercise some control over my best friends,” said Lupin. “I need scarcely say that I failed dismally..."

***

**September 1, 1995**

***This section is directly from _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_ by J.K. Rowling***

“WILL YOU LOT GET DOWN HERE NOW, PLEASE!” Molly bellowed, and Hermione jumped as though scalded and hurried out of the room. Harry seized Hedwig, stuffed her unceremoniously into her cage, and set off downstairs after Hermione, dragging his trunk.

Mrs. Black’s portrait was howling with rage but nobody was bothering to close the curtains over her; all the noise in the hall was bound to rouse her again anyway.“Harry, you’re to come with me and Tonks,” shouted Molly over the repeated screeches of “MUDBLOODS ! SCUM! CREATURES OF DIRT!”

“Leave your trunk and your owl, Alastor’s going to deal with the luggage... Oh, for heaven’s sake, Sirius, Dumbledore said no!” A bearlike black dog had appeared at Harry’s side as Harry clambered over the various trunks cluttering the hall to get to Mrs. Weasley. “Oh honestly… ” said Mrs. Weasley despairingly, “well, on your own head be it!”

She wrenched open the front door and stepped out into the September sunlight. Harry and the dog followed her. The door slammed behind them and Mrs. Black’s screeches were cut off instantly.

“Where’s Tonks?” Harry said, looking around as they went down the stone steps of number twelve, which vanished the moment they reached the pavement.

“She’s waiting for us just up here,” said Molly.

An old woman with tightly curled gray hair greeted them on the corner. “Wotcher, Harry,” she said, winking.

“Nice dog, Harry!” called a tall boy with dreadlocks. 

“Thanks, Lee,” said Harry, grinning, as Sirius wagged his tail frantically.

“Oh good,” said Molly, sounding relieved, “here’s Alastor with the luggage, look.” A porter’s cap pulled low over his mismatched eyes, Moody came limping through the archway pushing a cart full of their trunks.

“All okay,” he muttered to Molly and Tonks. “Don’t think we were followed.”

Seconds later, Arthur emerged onto the platform with Ron and Hermione. They had almost unloaded Moody’s luggage cart when Fred, George, and Ginny turned up with Lupin. 

“No trouble?” growled Moody.

“Nothing,” said Lupin. “Well, look after yourselves,” he said, shaking hands all round. He reached Harry last and gave him a clap on the shoulder.

“It’s been great meeting all of you,” said Tonks, hugging Hermione and Ginny. “We’ll see you soon, I expect.”

A warning whistle sounded; the students still on the platform started hurrying onto the train.

***

**September 14, 1995**

Tonks leaned against the window of the safe house, looking out at the building a few doors down. It was a known meeting spot for Death Eaters, and Dumbledore had hoped they could keep track of anyone walking in and out of the meeting and identify more of Voldemort’s supporters.

She was chewing bubble gum and tapping her boot impatiently on the floor. “We’re a little far away here,” she complained.

Lupin sat on the couch behind her in the dark room. “No, we’re protected here,” he reminded her. He tried to crack his neck. “Ugh.”

Tilting her head, Tonks turned to look at him, leaning back against the window. She was wearing a short sleeve purple top and a tight black skirt, but Lupin forced himself to focus on her face. “You okay?”

“No. I slept funny last night and how the whole side of my neck is killing me.”

“Ugh, I hate that. Want me to help? I give really good massages.”

“Umm, no, that’s okay.”

“I don’t mind,” she smiled brightly. “We’ve got time to kill.”

“Oh, no, really, I’m fine —” Before he could protest further, Tonks was next to him on the couch, kneeling and tucking her feet underneath her, tugging down on the hem of her skirt so it didn’t ride quite so high up her thighs. “Here, turn your head this way so I can reach. That way I can sit here and still see out the window.”

“Tonks, really, you don’t need to —”

Her thumb dug into the knot in his shoulder and Lupin let out an involuntary groan.

“Is that too hard?” she asked.

“No,” Lupin muttered, closing his eyes. “Feels good.”

“Good.” Tonks smiled and bit her lip. She used the palm of her hand to press along the edge of his shoulder blade. Any resistance Lupin had felt started to melt away as she applied targeted pressure with her fingers up and down his neck and back. He whole body relaxed, concentrating on the feeling of her hands on him and how she was helping his muscles let go.

Without being fully aware of it happening, he leaned into her. Another low moan escaped his lips as she rubbed over the tight spot in his shoulder again. He was turning to putty in her hands. He was so relaxed, and the room was so dark, he felt like he might fall asleep.

After a few more minutes, Tonks’ hands finally stilled. “Mmm. How’s that?” she murmured, right next to his ear. Lupin realized with a start that he had slumped all the way back against her, sinking down into the couch cushion between her knees. He could feel her breath on his neck.

He awkwardly and suddenly sat up straighter, moving away from her and rotating his arm to stretch out his shoulder. “Wow. That’s a lot better. Thank you, Tonks.”

She sat back and readjusted her skirt, and Lupin caught a quick peek of lace at the tops of her stockings. “Good. I’m glad.”

“Where’d you learn to do that?”

Tonks shrugged. “I dated a Muggle once who was training to be a masseuse. I picked up a few tips.” She smiled and winked at him.

Lupin swallowed, definitely not wanting to think about that, but also selfishly thankful for her expert fingers… and that feeling of her hands on him. But then he felt very uncomfortable all of a sudden, sitting on the couch with her in this empty house. How do you just go back to casual conversation after sharing such an intimate moment?

“So —” she started, but luckily, thankfully, two people were walking down the street toward the building just then. “Hey,” she breathed. “Check it out.”

“Uh huh,” he replied, both of them moving slowly to get in position to get a better view without drawing attention to themselves in case anyone might be looking up at the darkened window.

“I can’t make out their faces from here,” she hissed. “I think we need to get closer.”

They crept down the stairs and walked across the field silently, Tonks quickly turning her hair black to be less visible. She slid along the corner of the building, and Lupin hid behind a tree. They locked eyes, and he nodded his head, pointing at her.

Tonks nodded back at him, and crept around first, staying low. Lupin followed, but his foot snapped a branch, and the two people walking up the drive pointed their wands straight at Tonks and Lupin. It was Amycus and Alecto Carrow, a brother and sister who were known Death Eaters from the first Wizarding war, but who had both managed to avoid Azkaban somehow in the aftermath. The Order had lost track of their whereabouts over the years. But now here they were.

“Expelliarmus!” Alecto yelled, pointing her wand at Lupin. His wand sailed through the air into her hand, and Lupin slammed into the tree behind him.

“Stupefy!” Tonks screamed, sending Amycus flying into the brick wall. He hit his head and lay motionless. Tonks dodged a curse from Alecto, ducking around the corner. Alecto turned Lupin’s own wand on him, unarmed and still scrambling to get to his feet after being stunned. Alecto grinned. “Avada Kedavra!” she yelled at the same time that Tonks screamed, “Protego!” and then quickly, “Stupefy!”

With Alecto flat on her back, Tonks summoned Lupin’s wand and sprinted toward him, grabbing his wrist and Apparating them both back to Grimmauld Place on the spot.

Their feet hit the concrete of the landing, but she teetered on the top step and gasped, her eyes wide, about to lose her balance and fall backwards down the stairs. Lupin reached out his hand to pull her back.

“Thanks,” Tonks grinned at him.

Lupin just looked at her with his mouth hanging open, still in shock. “I don’t know what happened back there. I almost fucked it all up.”

Tonks shook her head. “It was an accident. We’re okay.”

“You saved me,” Lupin breathed. His eyes were wild.

She shrugged and smiled at him. “You would have done the same for me.” Lupin felt suddenly overcome with the intense urge to grab her and kiss her, but he froze, and then she opened the front door.

They walked inside the house, and Tonks noticed that Lupin’s face was pale and his hands were shaking. “You okay?”

His jaw was tight. “Uh. Not really. I almost died.”

“Right,” Tonks said thoughtfully. She grabbed his hand. “Come with me.”

She led him downstairs to the kitchen and pulled out a chair at the table. Lupin collapsed into it. “Are you making me hot cocoa?”

“Oh, Remus. No offense, but fuck hot cocoa right now. I don’t know about you, but I need something stronger.” She walked in the pantry and came back out with a bottle of tequila.

Lupin laughed. “Where did you get that?”

Tonks shrugged. “It’s mine. I happen to like tequila. If it’s good tequila.”

She grabbed two shot glasses from the cabinet and filled them both to the brim, sliding one toward him.

He raised the glass, his hand still shaking. “To Tonks.”

Tonks blushed. “Shut up, Lupin.”

They both threw back the shots, grimacing as it burned down their throats, and were quiet as they let everything that had happened wash over them.

“That was really fucking scary,” she whispered.

“Uh huh,” he agreed, still shaky.

“It was too risky,” she said thoughtfully, chewing on her bottom lip. “Sorry. Maybe we don’t need to get so close next time.”

“Yeah. Maybe not.”

“Lesson learned. Another round?” Tonks asked, already reaching for the bottle.

“God yes.” he slid his glass across the table toward her, the color slowly starting to return to his cheeks. She was concentrating on pouring two more shots, but Lupin couldn't take his eyes off of her.


	11. Are You Taking Me Home With You?

**September 24, 1995**

Lupin was patrolling Diagon Alley one evening with Kingsley, looking for Nott, who they suspected may have information about Pettigrew’s whereabouts. Their intelligence indicated that he would be here tonight. Lupin leaned against a brick building on the corner, and Kingsley was half a block down sitting on a bench. It was late in September, but still a warm night.

Suddenly someone grabbed his arm and leaned into him. “Hey,” grinned Tonks. She had on a short, tight strapless blue dress, her hair shoulder length and platinum blonde.

Lupin turned, surprised to see her, especially dressed up like that. “Tonks! What are you doing here?” His eyes widened further as she maintained her grip on him and he took in her full appearance. She was wearing perfume.

“Out with friends.” She gestured back over her shoulder at a group of people standing out front of a bar half a block down. “You?”

“Work. With Kingsley.”

Tonks glanced around. “Yeah. I see him.” She gave a quick wink, and Kingsley nodded in her direction. Then she turned her attention back to Lupin, and he felt his breath catch in his throat as he looked at her. She had silver hoop earrings and a black choker, her lips shiny with pink gloss.

“Have your eyes always been blue?” he found himself asking lamely.

Tonks wrinkled her nose and gave him a funny look. “No. Did you forget who you’re talking to?”

“Oh. Right. I just — ”

“You coming, Tonks?” yelled a tall guy from the group.

“Go ahead without me. I’ll catch up,” she shouted back.

The guy shook his head, looking annoyed. “Come on!”

“That your bodyguard?” Lupin asked, amused.

Tonks grinned. “No. That’s my friend Jeremy.”

“Ah. Wild guess? Jeremy’s into you.”

Tonks rolled her eyes. “No way.”

“He seems awfully upset that you’re not standing right there next to him.”

She bit her lip. “Well too bad. I’m standing right here next to you.”

Lupin’s heart started to beat faster. “That you are.”

“And see… I’m wearing your favorite shoes,” Tonks grinned, gesturing down to her feet. Lupin looked down to see the black pair of strappy heels she’d worn out for that job at the bar with him a couple months ago.

He shook his head. “You’re going to break an ankle wearing those someday.”

She shrugged. “You like them. You know you do.”

Lupin narrowed his eyes at her. “Have you been drinking?”

Her face broke into a grin. “A bit.”

“Seems like more than just a bit.”

She wrinkled her nose again. “Maybe.”

Just then two of her friends walked over. “Tonks, who’s this?” asked a tall, pretty Indian girl in a short black dress.

“This is Remus.” Tonks slid her hand inside his, intertwining their fingers, and beamed up at him.

“ _Tonks_ …” Lupin took his hand back, his cheeks turning pink.

“Sorry," she said, not looking sorry at all. "These are my friends, Deepa and Maddie.”

“Hi, Remus. What’s your story?” asked the one called Maddie, a short, curvy blonde, her hands on her hips.

“Are you here for Tonks’ birthday too?” smiled Deepa.

“Yeah, you should come party with us!” Maddie said.

“Oh my god, leave him alone, you two.” Tonks waved her hand, as if to shoo them away.

The corners of Lupin’s lips turned up slightly. “It’s your birthday?”

“Yep. Twenty-three. I’m catching up to you, Lupin.”

He shook his head. “Jesus.”

“What?”

“Sometimes I forget just how young you are.”

“Because I’m so mature?” she grinned, twirling a strand of hair around her finger.

“Something like that.”

“You know I don’t care that you’re old,” Tonks blurted out. “Sorry, not _old_ — I meant _older_.”

Lupin smiled. “No, I think you got it right the first time.”

Tonks rolled her eyes. Then she looked up at him. “You almost done working?”

He shook his head. “Afraid not.”

She stuck her lower lip out in a pout. “Bummer.”

“You didn’t tell me it was your birthday, Tonks.”

She shrugged. “You never asked.”

“I guess I didn’t.”

“Alright. Well I gotta go. My friends threw me a little surprise party, so I don’t want to be rude and ditch them. Goodnight, Professor.” 

Tonks giggled, standing on her toes to kiss his cheek, and then flashed him a quick wink before she turned around, walking with the two other girls back toward the bar.

Lupin stood there stunned for a moment, watching her walk away.

“Hey, Tonks?” he called after her. She turned around. “Be safe tonight, okay?”

She nodded and gave him a small wave. Lupin watched her disappear inside the bar with her friends, then he walked over to Kingsley, who smirked at him with knowing eyes.

“What?” Lupin asked defensively.

“She likes you,” Kingsley said.

“Tonks? Naw. She was just a little drunk.”

“Whatever you say, Remus. You’ve got lipstick on your face.”

***

After another two hours with no activity, Kingsley checked his watch. “I don’t think he’s gonna show tonight after all. I’m heading out. You coming?”

“No. I’m going to stay for a little bit. Make sure Tonks gets home okay.”

Kingsley looked at him for a long moment, narrowing his eyes. “Careful, Remus.”

Lupin swallowed hard. “What? I don’t like the idea of her out late like this without any backup.”

“She’s not working tonight. It’s different.”

“I don’t know if it is. We’re always potential targets. I don’t know who all those people are that she’s out with.”

Kingsley gave him a strange look. “Why would you? She’s allowed to have a social life, you know.”

Lupin shook his head, frustrated by Kingsley's implication. “That’s not what I meant. I’m just watching out for her.”

Kingsley nodded slowly. “Uh huh. Okay, Remus. But watch yourself, too. Tonks is like my little sister. You take advantage of her when she’s drunk, and I’ll fuck you up.”

“Jesus, Kingsley. It’s not like that at all.”

“You’ve been warned.” Kingsley shook his head and disappeared into the night.

Lupin loitered outside the bar for another ten minutes, pacing back and forth. He hadn’t seen her come out. Should he go in there? Should he wait out here until she and her friends left? Was she even still inside? What if there was another exit he couldn’t see, and she’d already gone? Without giving it another thought, he took a deep breath and opened the door to the bar.

It was one in the morning when Lupin walked into the dark, loud room, packed with people, music blaring, and he immediately regretted his decision. He glanced around, not seeing her, his heart pounding. _What the fuck was he doing?_ This was a terrible idea.

He turned around to leave and bumped right into Deepa from earlier. “Hey! It’s Tonks’ boyfriend! Did you decide to come to party with us after all?”

“Umm —”

“You actually are kinda cute, you know that?” she said, eying him with a smirk.

Lupin turned away from her and saw Tonks sitting at the bar. He gulped and felt like he was moving in slow motion as he walked toward her. Someone bumped into him and spilled their drink. “Sorry,” he mumbled. He stepped around another crowded table. And then, without thinking about what he was doing, he was suddenly at her side, tapping her on the shoulder.

Tonks’ eyes opened wide. “Remus!” she shrieked, wrapping her arms around his neck and losing her balance. He caught her around the waist and she beamed up at him. “What are you doing here?” she slurred. “Let me get you a drink!”

She grabbed two shots from a tray in front of her and handed one to him. “Cheers.” She clinked her glass against his and threw it back, grimacing and slamming it down on the bar. He finished his in one gulp and set it down next to hers. Before he knew it, he had a beer in his hand.

“How’s your party?” he asked, looking around.

Tonks shrugged. “It’s not really a big deal. Just a few of my friends from school. I haven’t seen these guys in a long time. We don’t really hang much anymore.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know. People drift apart. Different interests. But it’s still fun to see them.” She picked up another shot from the bar and swallowed it down.

“Whoa. Easy there,” he said, raising his eyebrows.

Tonks looked up at him with glassy eyes, and Lupin could suddenly see just how wasted she was. “You know what? This last year was a shitty fucking year for me.”

“Yeah?”

She nodded. “Really fucking shitty. But I’m putting it behind me, Remus. This year’s gonna be better.”

Lupin smiled at her. “That’s good.”

“It is, isn’t it?” She suddenly faltered on her feet and he grabbed her arm, his hands around her waist.

“Jesus, Tonks.” He helped her back onto the stool and glanced around. “I’ll be right back, okay?”

Lupin went to the water cooler in the corner of the room and filled a glass. He walked back and saw Tonks resting her head on the bar. He was at her side in a moment, his hand on her back. “Come on. Sit up. Drink this.”

She pulled herself up and took a sip, slumping against his shoulder. The bartender came over and looked at them, shaking his head. “Sorry, man, but you gotta get her out of here.”

Lupin nodded. “Okay, Tonks. We need to go.”

Tonks wrapped her arms around his neck. “Mmmm, are you taking me home with you?” she breathed, gently kissing his jaw.

He pulled her back from him, his heart pounding. She bit her lip and just laughed.

“Come on,” he gulped. Lupin pulled Tonks to her feet, his arm around her waist to help her stay upright. “These fucking shoes,” he mumbled under his breath as her ankles wobbled unsteadily.

They finally got outside the bar into the fresh air and she gripped his arm tightly. “If you make me Apparate, I think I’m going to throw up.”

Lupin chuckled. “Okay, definitely not that. And I’m guessing the Knight Bus is also out.” A cab turned the corner, and Lupin flagged it down. “But if we take the Muggle way home, no magic talk in the cab,” he warned her. “Got it?”

She nodded. “Uh huh.”

The cab stopped in front of them and Lupin opened the door, helping her get in without bumping her head, and then walked around the back of the car and slid into the seat next to her. “Grimmauld Place,” he told the driver.

Lupin looked at Tonks. “You still with me?” he asked her.

She nodded, but her eyes were already closed.

“We’ll be back soon.”

Within a few minutes, she slumped against him, Lupin’s arm around her shoulders to keep her upright. He looked down and saw that her dress had ridden all the way up, her black panties visible. He shook his head and muttered, yanking down the hem of her dress to cover her up. It felt like the universe was taunting him.

When they got to Grimmauld Place, Lupin paid the cab driver, and after unsuccessfully attempting to revive Tonks, he ended up just carrying her inside the house.

Lupin took her upstairs to the spare bedroom on the third floor and laid her gently down on the bed. He unbuckled her heels and slid them off her feet, guiltily noticing that his cock twitched when he did. She was right. He did like those shoes. They were fucking hot. Damnit. He shook his head and put a glass of water on the nightstand.

Just then she stirred in the bed and groaned. Lupin looked down at her. “Hey. You okay? You need anything else?”

She opened her eyes and smiled. “Hey, Remus. When did you get here?”

“Jesus, Tonks.” He shook his head. “How'd you get so drunk, girl?”

“I need to tell you something.”

“So tell me.”

“Come here,” she giggled. “It’s a secret.”

“Tonks, just go to bed. We can talk in the morning.”

“ _Please_. Come here. Real quick.”

Lupin sighed and leaned his head down closer to her. “What?”

Tonks looked at him for a long moment like she was thinking hard about what to say, and then kissed him on the lips, wrapping her arms around his neck.

He pushed her back immediately. “Tonks, stop it.”

“Mmm, what if I don’t want to stop?” She sat up on the edge of the bed, biting her lip.

“Well, I’m sorry.” He shook his head. “I can’t.”

“Here’s the thing. I don’t think you _really_ want me to stop.” She hooked her fingers through two of his belt loops and tugged him closer, looking up at him with wide eyes. “I can read you like a fucking book, Remus.”

“Tonks, knock it off. Jesus Christ. You’re wasted.”

He stepped back from her and turned around, walking to the other side of the room. Lupin pressed his forehead against the glass of the windowpane and worked to steady his breathing.

She gripped the edge of the mattress and slid off the bed, landing on unsteady feet. She walked over to him and leaned her shoulder against the window frame, swaying back and forth slightly. “I know you think you’re supposed to say no. Because you’re a good guy and all that. But I’m telling you that you can. I want you, Remus. God, I have for a while.”

“Fuck. Tonks, come on. _Stop_.”

She took a deep, shuddering breath. “I see the way you look at me, you know. You want to fuck me. Tell me you don’t want to fuck me. I’ll know if you’re lying.”

Lupin gulped and shook his head, looking down at the ground. “Shut up, Tonks. I’m way too old for you.”

“I don’t care,” she choked out. “And I don’t care that you’re a werewolf either. I really don’t.”

“Then you’re a fool,” he muttered under his breath.

Tonks slapped him hard across the face, and Lupin seized her wrist tightly.

“Hey. Watch it, girl,” he warned, his voice almost a growl, his eyes serious. “Trust me. You don’t want to start that.”

Her jaw dropped a little as he released her arm and she rubbed the spot where he’d grabbed her, but then she bit her lip, looking at him hungrily. “Mmm. I bet you like it kinda rough.”

“Alright, come on. Time for you to go to sleep.”

“Hey. Do you remember when we were working and you pushed me up against the brick wall in that alley? That was so fucking hot. Why didn’t you kiss me? You really should have kissed me, Remus. I wanted you to.”

He sighed. “Okay. Well I’m going to bed.”

Tonks smiled up hopefully at him, lacing her fingers through his. “Can I come with you?”

Lupin pulled back from her. “No. Absolutely not.”

“It’s my goddamn birthday. Aren’t I allowed to make a wish? I know what I want.” She flopped back on the bed and let out a sigh, stretching her legs out.

He shook his head. “Goodnight, Tonks. Get some sleep. You'll feel better in the morning.”

“I can’t sleep in _this_.” She sat up and looked down at her dress.

Lupin sighed. “Shit. Fine. I’ll be back.”

He went to his room and grabbed a shirt from his dresser. Pausing for a beat, he rubbed his temples with his fingers. If she tried to pull him into that bed one more time, part of him was terrified that his resolve would crack and he’d dive right in.

When he had composed himself, he walked back upstairs to find Tonks standing in the middle of the room. She had unzipped her dress halfway down her back. “Hey, I’m stuck. Help me.”

Lupin inhaled sharply. “You’ve got to be _fucking_ kidding me.” He put the shirt down on the bed and helped get the zipper the rest of the way down her back, forcing himself to avert his eyes.

Tonks peeled the tiny dress off and let it drop to the floor, wearing a black strapless bra and matching panties. She took off her hoop earrings, setting them on the nightstand. “You don’t need to look away, Remus,” she murmured, slipping her hand into his. “I don’t mind.”

Lupin pulled back from her, struggling to focus on her face and not all the pale skin that was screaming to be touched. “Fuck. You gotta stop this, Tonks. Just put that shirt on. _Please_. And I’ll leave and then you can go to sleep.”

She stepped forward and buried her face in his chest, and he realized in horror that she was suddenly crying.

“Whoa.” Lupin hesitantly rested a hand on her bare shoulders as she pressed up against him. “What’s going on? Hey, Tonks. It’s okay.”

Then she dropped to her knees, sobbing, and Lupin’s eyes went wide. He sat down next to her on the floor, rubbing her back gently. His heart thundered in his chest as his hand ran over the curve of her spine, nothing between his fingertips and her soft skin. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

“It’s been _such_ a shitty year, Remus.” Her voice broke.

Lupin nodded, a lump in his throat. “I’m sorry. I’ve had a few of those.”

She swallowed hard. “Sometimes I’m scared that I’ll never feel like myself again.”

“What do you mean?”

She shrugged, looking at the ground, her eyes filling with tears again and her hair in her face. “I don’t even know. But I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

Lupin’s eyes searched her face wildly. “Do what?”

Tonks’ shoulders sagged. “Just — I don’t know. All of it. Pretending that I’m tough and nothing bothers me when actually it really fucking hurts inside. Working too much, not getting a break. I need to take better care of myself. You know?”

Lupin felt a stabbing in his chest. “Yeah. I think I do.” He reached out and tucked her hair behind her ear. She looked at him with bloodshot eyes, then her shoulders shook with another bout of sobs. Lupin let her lean into him, trying to focus on comforting his friend, and not the fact that she was practically naked as his arms wrapped around her, pulling her closer.

It was a tortuous battle of the wills, his conscience in conflict with his body’s physical response to her. She fit perfectly, curled up against his chest, her head tucked under his chin. Lupin felt like he could sit like this all night, just holding her and feeling the warm weight of her against him. She let out a shuddering breath, and he found himself absentmindedly stroking her hair.

And then her lips found his again, and this time, he didn’t pull away. She tasted like strawberries, and he felt a low growl building inside him as her tongue glided against his. God, he’d dreamed about this and so much more, and he suddenly found himself wanting all of her. His hands were desperate to touch every inch of her bare skin. She was right there.

Tonks lay back on the floor, and Lupin drank in the sight of her sprawled out on the rug. “Hey up there,” she murmured, smiling at him. “Come down here.” She bit her lip and curled her finger, beckoning him closer.

He fantasized about unclasping her bra, about sliding her panties down those smooth, pale legs, kissing and licking every inch of her, seeing if he could make her scream his name. Most of all, Lupin was desperate to know what it felt like to be inside her. He’d never wanted something so badly in his life. She was right there. Only two pesky articles of clothing left to remove, and everything he wanted could be his.

Then her eyes closed, and her head fell back onto the rug. Lupin reached out and shook her shoulder gently. “Hey, Tonks. You okay?” She didn’t move. “Tonks?”

She groaned and blinked her eyes open groggily. “Hey, Remus. When did you get here?”

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Jesus fucking Christ,” he muttered.

Wrapping one arm around her shoulders and hooking the other under her knees, he lifted her up back into the bed and pulled the shirt over her head. Tonks’ eyes were closed before her head hit the pillow, and he tucked the blankets around her, quickly walking out the door and shutting it quietly behind him.

Then Lupin headed straight downstairs to take a cold shower.


	12. Hangover

**September 25, 1995**

Tonks stayed in bed all morning. When it was two o’clock and she still hadn’t surfaced yet, Lupin cautiously knocked on the door. There was no reply, so he slowly cracked it open to check on her.

She was still passed out in the bed. He shook her shoulder gently. “Tonks?”

Her eyes opened, and then immediately shut again. “Fuck.”

“You okay?” he asked gently.

“No,” groaned Tonks.

“You need anything?”

“A garbage can maybe?”

“Really? Okay. Hold on.” Lupin put a small wastebasket on the floor next to her and sat hesitantly on the edge of the bed. “Want me to go, or…?”

“No. I think I’m okay actually. Well, definitely not okay, but I don’t think I’m gonna puke. At least not right now.”

Tonks looked at her shoes next to the bed, her blue dress in a heap on the floor, her bra tossed over the back of the chair at the desk. She glanced down at the shirt she was wearing, and then at Lupin curiously. “So… can you help me fill in some blanks?”

“What do you mean?”

Tonks bit her lip. “How exactly did I end up here? Last thing I remember I was at the bar with my friends. Is this your shirt?”

Lupin’s eyes went wide, his eyebrows raised. “Are you fucking with me?”

She shook her head. “Afraid not.”

He looked uncomfortable. “You don’t remember anything?”

“Oh shit... what happened?” she asked, looking panicked.

Lupin looked at the floor. “Well, I ran into you when I was working with Kingsley. I don’t know, it was maybe ten or ten-thirty?”

Tonks nodded slowly. “Yeah. I remember that.”

“Okay. And then, uh, I came to check on you after my shift ended a couple hours later. You were passing out on the bar, Tonks. So I brought you back here.”

“Ugh. Sorry. Thanks for taking care of me.”

Lupin swallowed hard. “Uhh... no problem.”

“What?” Tonks said, dread spreading as she noticed his tight expression. “Oh no. What else did I do?”

He cleared his throat. “No, I mean, once we got back here, you were just kind of upset. You kept saying you’d had such a shitty year. You were crying.”

“Anything else?” she asked hesitantly.

“Well, then I got you that shirt to sleep in and you, uh — well, you kissed me. In your underwear. You were, uh, pretty persistent. God, you have a filthy mouth.”

Her eyes went wide before she covered her face with the pillow.

“Tonks. It’s okay.”

“It’s not.”

“Hey, it’s not a big deal.”

Tonks took the pillow off her face. “I’m fucking mortified, Remus. I don’t remember any of this. What exactly did I say?”

He swallowed. “Let’s just forget it, okay?”

She gulped. “You saw me naked?”

He grimaced, unable to meet her eyes. “I mean, no. Not quite. Your underwear was on and your — um — bra. But you took your dress off. So you could go to sleep. I brought you that shirt.”

“And I kissed you? Like what happened?”

Lupin took a deep breath. “Oh, Jesus. You really want to know?”

“I mean — no? But also yes. Tell me. Please.”

“Okay. Uh, well first you were crying on the floor —”

“Yikes.” She covered her face with her hands.

“So I put my arm around you and you kind of... crawled in my lap? And then yeah, you kissed me.”

“Oh my god. I’m never going to be able to look you in the eyes again,” Tonks said. “It’s so fucking embarrassing.”

“Come on,” said Lupin, pulling her hands away from her face. “You’re going to have to look at me. We work together. And it’s not a huge deal. We’re adults who can get over this. You were drunk. Don’t worry about it.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Um —” Lupin just stared at her. What exactly _was_ the appropriate response when the girl of your dreams apologizes for drunkenly trying to seduce you?

Tonks groaned. “Thanks for taking care of me. Maybe we can just try to forget about it and move on? It was… a mistake.”

Lupin nodded.

“And I definitely need you to forget that you saw me naked,” she begged.

Lupin’s cheeks turned red. “Tonks —”

“Please? Just lie to me and say you can forget what I look like naked.”

“Uh, sure,” he said, picturing every detail in his mind in that instant. “But again, a pretty important clarification: you weren’t _totally_ naked.”

“I was close enough.”

There was an awkward silence.

Lupin cleared his throat. “I’m worried about you. Are you okay?”

Tonks was quiet for a minute. “Not really.”

“Do you — want to talk about it?”

“Not really.”

“Okay. Can I get you some more water? Or something to eat?”

“No. I think I’m just to sleep it off some more. God I feel terrible.”

“Did you have a good birthday at least?” Lupin asked, a little smile on his face.

She shrugged. “I don’t know. No. I wish I didn’t get so fucking drunk. I was a mess. I can only imagine what I said to you. I do have a filthy mouth. Jesus.”

“You were fine, Tonks,” Lupin lied.

“You’re lying,” she said.

He shrugged. “Don’t worry about it. Okay?”

“So, are you going to be all weird around me now?” she asked.

“Oh, definitely.” He grinned at her.

She burst out laughing. “Fuck. I’m still so embarrassed. But thanks, Lupin.”

“Happy birthday, Tonks. Go back to sleep. You’ll feel better.”

She nodded at him, and he walked out and closed the door.

***

**October 1, 1995**

As much as they both wanted to get past their awkward, drunken encounter, the first mission Lupin worked with Tonks a week after her birthday was uncomfortable, neither of them knowing what to say and avoiding eye contact for most of the evening.

At the end of the night, she didn’t step foot back inside Grimmauld Place to debrief like she usually did, heading straight home to her parents’ house instead.

“Night, Lupin,” she said quietly.

“Oh. Goodnight, Tonks.”

Lupin had a dream about her that night and woke up with a painfully hard erection. He sat up in bed and winced. “Fuck.”

***

**October 5, 1995**

Their next assignment together was even more tense. They were following Jugson in Knockturn Alley, and spent the time avoiding each other’s eyes and walking in silence. 

Lupin felt a sharp pang in his chest. There were so few people in his life who he could talk to. It was like he’d suffered a loss, this tension hanging between them, and the sound of her laugh felt like another lifetime ago.

When Jugson stopped to go inside a store, Lupin and Tonks loitered across the street, pretending to study the bus schedule without looking at each other. They followed Jugson down a couple more blocks, and then he dropped something on the ground. When he bent over to pick it up, his pants split down the back seam. Tonks stifled a snicker and ducked down the nearest alley. Lupin followed her as she leaned back against the wall and covered her face with both her hands.

“You alright there, Giggles?”

She grinned. “Yes. How embarrassing for that asshole.”

“More embarrassing than taking off your clothes and kissing your coworker?” Lupin leveled with a smirk on his face.

Tonks’ jaw dropped and she gasped. The ends of her hair flashed bright red, and then she punched Lupin’s shoulder.

“Ow!”

“You promised to forget about that, Remus Lupin!” she hissed, and punched him again in the same spot. “You asshole!”

“What the _hell_ , Tonks?” Lupin complained, putting his hands up to block any other hits. “Remind me to stop helping you with the punching bag if you’re going to take it out on me. Jesus Christ.”

She glared at him for a moment, her heart pounding, and then she burst out laughing, doubling over and holding her sides, gasping for breath. Lupin smiled and started laughing too, leaning back against the opposite wall and watching her.

A minute later, her breathing steadied and she narrowed her eyes. “Why the fuck did you say that to me?”

He shrugged with a hopeful smile. “I don’t know. Things have been weird between us. I took a risk that it might clear the air if I just brought it up. I’m sorry. I have a weird sense of humor. But I figured things couldn’t really get any more awkward, so what did I have to lose?”

Tonks put her hands on her hips and shook her head at him. “That was mean. I’m still really embarrassed about that. Please don’t make fun of me.”

Lupin shrugged. “I’m sorry. I just wanted things to not be weird anymore.”

Her cheeks flushed and she chewed her bottom lip, struggling to keep the smile off her face. She pointed her finger at him. “Okay. Fine. But now we will never speak of this again. You hear me? It _never_ happened.”

He nodded with a little smile. “I hear you.”

She shook her head and grinned. “Thank god. I missed you, Lupin.”

Lupin smiled and nudged her shoulder. “Shut up, Tonks.”

She grabbed his arm. “Come on. Let’s go see if Jugson is still around. If we can’t spot him, he’s probably shopping for a new pair of pants.”

Laughing, Lupin left the alley with her, happy to have her back in his life, and he tried to swallow down the part of him that wanted to see what it was like to kiss her when she was sober.


	13. The Weight of the World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I've said, I wanted things to align with established HP canon, so I pulled some ideas from the background piece J.K. Rowling wrote about Lupin on Pottermore. If you didn't see this link from an earlier chapter, here it is again: https://www.wizardingworld.com/writing-by-jk-rowling/remus-lupin

**October 20, 1995**

Things were mostly back to normal for Lupin and Tonks. He struggled to banish the memories of her drunken kisses from his mind, trying to view her only as a friend and co-worker and nothing more. But it felt nearly impossible — lately he found everything she did absolutely adorable, and he had to stop himself from telling her so.

But he swallowed all of it down as they sat on a bench for their latest mission, tracking Rodolphus Lestrange. The night was cold and Tonks was shivering, so Lupin wrapped his jacket around her shoulders. “Better?” he murmured, rubbing his hand briskly up and down her spine.

“Mmmm, yeah, thanks,” she replied.

“Did you bring along anything for us to smoke tonight, Nymphadora?”

She stuck her tongue out at him. “Eww, stop. Where did my full name come from? You never call me that. Please don’t start now. And of course I came prepared.”

Tonks stretched her legs across the bench, facing away from Lupin and leaning her back against him. Then she rummaged through her bag and passed the joint to him over her shoulder. “Here, you can even start it off.”

“Mmm, thanks. That’s very generous of you.” Lupin lit it with his wand and a cloud of smoke rose above them. 

“My, how times have changed, Professor. At first you laughed at me when I asked if you wanted to get high. Now you’re begging for it.”

“First of all, I was never your professor. And secondly, I wouldn’t call that _begging_ —” He took two long drags, exhaling slowly. “But I am getting used to this. Staying up all night and smoking weed with you.”

“Yeah?”

Lupin nodded, passing it back to her. “Yeah. I smoked kind of a lot with Sirius and James back in the day at Hogwarts. Sirius used to have this big green bong…” Lupin trailed off and laughed. “When we were older and working for the Order, we’d still sometimes, though not as much. Lily didn’t like it when James got high, so they’d fight about it. And it just didn’t happen as much. But then — I guess I never thought about doing it without friends around. I should. I forgot how much it relaxes me.”

“Yeah, I guess I just like to smoke weed,” Tonks admitted with a smile. “Friends or no friends. It definitely chills me out. And by the way, Sirius still has that bong.”

“He does?”

She nodded. “Uh huh. We were hanging out late one night when you were away and I offered him a joint. He disappeared and came back with that instead.”

Lupin shook his head and laughed. “Of course he kept it. Well, I guess what I’m trying to say is.... this is... nice.”

Tonks smiled as she hit the joint. She felt suddenly very aware of the way it felt to have her back pressed up against Lupin, and she realized that her body was rising and falling slightly with his every breath. It was… nice.

“You know, I’m glad you weren’t my professor when I was at Hogwarts,” she said.

He burst out laughing. “Yeah?”

She grinned, dropping her head back so she could look at him. “Yeah. Then it would be weird to hang out all night and smoke weed with you now.” She passed him the joint over her shoulder.

“Ah. Well... then I’m glad for that too.” Her hair, brown tonight, was pulled back in a high ponytail. Lupin found his eyes following the curve of her neck down to where it disappeared beneath the collar of his coat.

A few minutes went by in comfortable silence, her leaning against him, passing the joint back and forth, their fingers brushing every time. She shivered, and Lupin nudged her. “You okay?”

“It’s fucking cold tonight.”

“Yeah. It is. But I’m the one who should complain,” he joked, smirking at her. “You took my coat.”

“No way, I didn’t take it. You _gave_ me your coat. Because you’re a gentleman.”

“I try.”

Tonks pulled his coat tighter around her. “I can’t believe we have to sit outside in the cold tonight. Why can’t we be at a safe house or at the Ministry or something? This sucks. I’m fucking freezing.” She shuddered.

Lupin took a deep breath, and feeling bold, he freed his arm that her back was resting on and wrapped it around her so she was now tucked up against his ribcage. “Better?”

“Oh my god, yes. Mmm, you’re warm.” She leaned back into him and Lupin’s hand curled around her shoulder, his thumb resting along the edge of her jaw. He got that tight feeling in his chest again.

“Tell me something,” Tonks said with a yawn.

“Like what?”

“Anything. A story. Something funny. Or I’m going to fall asleep just sitting here.”

“Okay. One time, in our sixth year, James and Sirius grew a hallucinogenic mushroom in Herbology. Tried to convince Sprout to give them extra credit for it, saying it could treat migraines. She confiscated it and they ended up in detention for a week. But she didn’t know was that it wasn’t the only one they grew. We got so fucked up that night.”

Tonks grinned. “Sounds fun.”

“Now you tell me something.”

“Okay. I got one about Sprout too. When I was in my fourth year, I stole this Venomous Tentacula from her greenhouse. I was going to put it under Filch’s desk as a prank. But, I tripped when I was carrying it, and — well, long story short, I bumped right into Snape, and it got him instead.”

“What?” Lupin burst out laughing.

“Yeah. He wanted me to get daily detentions for the rest of my years at Hogwarts, but Sprout made a deal to get me out of it. She liked me.”

Lupin shook his head. “No wonder Snape’s got you on his list. James and Sirius and I sure ended up on his bad side too over the years. Especially James.”

There was a long pause. “Hey, Remus? Can I ask you something? I’m sorry. It’s — pretty personal.”

He gulped. “Well, you can ask, but depending on what it is, I can’t promise that I’ll give you an answer.”

“That’s fair. Where were you when you found out? About the Potters? I’m sorry, I know it’s so nosy of me to ask you that — I just — were you there that night?”

“Ahh,” Lupin said. “I’ll answer that.” He was quiet for a long moment, then cleared his throat. “No, I wasn’t there. I was up north on a job for the Order when I heard. That Voldemort had found them. That Sirius was the one who betrayed them. I didn’t believe it at first. I… just couldn’t. But I rushed to their house to find…”

He trailed off, and was suddenly glad she couldn’t see his face. Tonks felt like she was holding her breath.

“As hard as I tried to keep faith in my friend, all the evidence kept piling up against Sirius. It took me weeks to be convinced that he could have done this, but I eventually was left with no other choice. There was obviously a traitor in our midst, and they say it’s always the person you least expect…” His voice broke, and he paused for several moments. “I was alone for a long time after that.” She was still facing away from him, but could feel his ribcage vibrate with each word he spoke.

Tonks inhaled shakily. “Shit. I’m so sorry, Remus.” She offered the joint back to him and he accepted it gratefully. They sat in comfortable silence for several moments.

Lupin shivered and Tonks turned her head back to look at him. “It’s so cold. And I stole your coat.”

“Nah,” he smiled. “You didn’t steal it, remember? I gave it to you."

“Here.” She sat up and took the coat from around her shoulders, attempting to cover both of them with it like a blanket.

Lupin just laughed. He angled his body toward her, and she folded her knees up under her half of the coat.

“What time is it?” she asked.

He checked his watch. “One forty-five.”

“Motherfucker,” she muttered. “We’re supposed to be here until six?”

“Yeah. We’ve got some time to kill.”

The top of Tonks’ head was right under his chin, and he could smell her hair. She was so close right now, it wouldn’t take much for him to just lean forward and kiss the spot right behind her ear.

Lupin took a deep breath and tried to banish those thought. He couldn’t kiss her. Sure, she’d kissed him, but she was so drunk she didn’t even remember it. Would she have done that if she was sober? And if even she did let him kiss her when she was sober, what was the point? There was no future. She’d break his heart, or he’d hurt her, or… 

Lupin cleared his throat, shaking his head and changing the subject. “So, how are things at the Ministry?”

Tonks sighed. “It’s — fine? I don’t know. Fudge is a fucking idiot. I requested not to do any more undercover missions for a while. I don’t trust them to have my back. But since then, the work’s just been so boring. I don’t know. I much prefer working for the Order. Not that it pays. Shame.”

“Ah yes, but don’t forget the benefits,” Lupin leveled in a dry tone, a small smile on his lips.

“Right,” Tonks snorted. “No retirement plan, pulling all-nighters outside in the cold, and a fucking haunted house for our headquarters.”

Lupin laughed, shaking his head. “Yeah. Yet I’ve willingly joined twice now. I’m pretty sure there’s something wrong with me.”

Tonks’ voice turned quiet and serious. “You all sacrificed a lot back then. And now I feel like it’s happening all over again. Are you scared?”

Lupin nodded. “Yeah.”

“Me too.”

“Well, we’re really lucky to have you this time around, Tonks,” Lupin told her sincerely. “Everyone thinks so.”

“Yeah?”

“Of course. You’re Mad-Eye’s favorite. Kingsley respects you, so do the Weasleys. McGonagall and Dumbledore too, and —”

“So everyone but Snape,” Tonks chimed in with a smile.

Lupin laughed. “Well, let’s forget about Snape for the rest of this evening, huh? Only pleasant thoughts allowed here. Sirius can’t say enough about you... and I... I’m glad we’ve been together on all of these missions.”

“I’m glad for that too,” said Tonks, smiling shyly. “So what’s it like to have Sirius back? After all that time?”

Lupin paused. “It’s — it’s hard to describe. Things are different now. We’re both a lot older. We both spent all those years mostly isolated, which can fuck with your brain. So I guess we’re both still recovering in our own way. But it’s been fun. To have a friend again. I missed that.”

“Yeah, wow. Sometimes I forget what Sirius went through for all those years. He and my mom were close. It killed her to think that about him. And I thought the worst of him too, for most of my life. I feel bad about it.”

“That makes two of us,” Lupin agreed.

Tonks nodded. “Yeah, but it seems like he’s adjusting well? I know it kills him to be stuck in that house all the time. But I look at him and think it’s kind of incredible, that he spent so much time in Azkaban and he’s still so handsome. You think all those years would have affected his looks, you know?”

Lupin stiffened against her. “Ah, of course.”

“Of course what?”

“You like Sirius. Makes sense. He always got the girls.” Lupin laughed bitterly, and his heart sank.

She sat up and spun around to look at Lupin, her eyes wide, and punched him in the shoulder. “What? You're joking, right? Sirius? Don’t be gross. He’s my fucking cousin.” She stumbled to her feet, walking quickly away from the bench.

“Ow!” He rubbed the spot where she’d hit him. “What the hell, Tonks?” He stood up and caught up to her, reaching for her elbow, but she shrugged him off.

Lupin grabbed her shoulders and spun her around to look at him, his face inches away from hers. “Hey, I misinterpreted what you said. I’m sorry about that. But you need to stop hitting me, girl.” He was breathing hard, his jaw set tightly as he looked at her with intense eyes.

Tonks’ heart was pounding, her shaky breath visible in the cold night. She glared at him, a look of pure anguish on her face, and an intense unspoken understanding passed between them.

“Why are you always such an idiot, Remus, huh?” she choked out, her voice cracking. “I’m fucking in love with _you_.”

Lupin’s jaw dropped. He should have taken this as a green light. She was right there, right in front of him. This was real. This was his moment. He should have bridged the short distance between them and kissed her, pulling her even closer, whispering to her that he’s wanted to do this for a long time, that he thought about her constantly.

But instead he froze and just stared at her, his hands falling to his sides. Thrown off guard by her confession, everything he had once rehearsed saying vanished from his mind. She suddenly seemed miles away. The pit in his stomach grew.

The reality of being with her was terrifying. This was a terrible idea. He’d disappoint her, he’d hurt her. She thought she wanted him, but if she really knew… 

Tonks blinked hard, interpreting his silence as rejection. She took a step back from him, a tear spilling down each cheek, and clapped a hand over her mouth, his coat slipping off her shoulders and falling to the ground. “Oh my god, I’m sorry,” she whispered. Then she turned around and ran away.

“Tonks, wait!” Lupin called after her, his voice shaking, but she was already gone.

***

**October 26, 1995**

Lupin hadn’t seen Tonks since that evening. He’d sat there on the bench alone the rest of the night, wishing he hadn’t been paralyzed with fear, wishing he’d said something, done something, anything really, to respond to her.

But now what was he supposed to say? He felt hopeless. He was in love with a woman he could never have. Jesus fucking Christ, how did he let this happen? He’d always been so cautious before, holding people at arm’s length. How had he let this girl crawl right under his skin?

When Dumbledore came to Grimmauld Place a few days later to prepare for the next meeting, Lupin went down to the kitchen early. “Albus. Do you have a minute?”

“Of course, Remus. What’s on your mind?”

“I was hoping I could maybe be reassigned to work with someone else for a while. Just — for a change of pace.”

Dumbledore looked at him curiously. “I see. Are you no longer happy working with Nymphadora? I was under the impression that the two of you made quite a strong team.”

Lupin gulped. “No, we did — we do. I just also think that it’s good to switch things up occasionally. Keeps us on our toes.”

“Interesting theory.” Dumbledore was studying him intently, and Lupin felt like he was reading his mind.

“Just a break. For a little bit. Please, Albus,” Lupin begged.

Looking at him again closely, Dumbledore nodded slowly. “Okay, Remus. I’ll see what I can do.”

When the meeting began a little while later, Lupin and Tonks couldn’t even look at each other.

Dumbledore cleared his throat. “Remus, Tonks, did you two have any luck with Rodolphus?”

Lupin spoke for both of them. “No. He didn’t leave his house all night.” 

Dumbledore nodded. “Tonks, can you head back there tomorrow? Take Arthur with you and see if anything happens?”

Tonks’ eyes found Arthur’s and she forced a smile, glancing quickly to Lupin with a pained expression on her face, but his gaze was fixed on the floor.

“Remus, you and Kingsley should head to the Ministry tonight. Keep watch over the prophecy.” Lupin gave a tight nod.

Everyone seemed a little confused by the change in assignments, but nobody said a word about it, and the meeting ended awkwardly. Tonks set details with Arthur for their mission, but then quickly left without a word to anyone else.

About a half hour later, everyone else had gone, and Lupin and Sirius found themselves alone in the kitchen.

“Jesus. You look miserable, Remus. It’s like you’ve got the weight of the world on your shoulders again, friend. What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Lupin shrugged.

“You sad that Dumbledore didn’t pair you with Tonks for once?” Sirius teased.

“No. I actually requested not to be with her anymore.”

Sirius looked confused. “What? Why?”

“I don’t know. I just need a break. She — I don’t know. She talks a lot.”

“Wait. What? Did something happen?”

“I don’t want to discuss this, Sirius. I’m tired.”

“Yikes. Okay.” Sirius put his hands up defensively, looking confused, and Lupin walked upstairs.


	14. Christmas Eve Magic

**December 14, 1995**

Almost two incredibly painful, awkward months went by, with Lupin avoiding Tonks at all costs. At this point, she just missed having him as her friend, and wished she could take her outburst back and go back to normal. She’d keep her feelings bottled up if it meant not scaring him away.

In mid-December, Tonks was awoken by Dumbledore’s Patronus in the middle of the night, calling everyone to an emergency meeting at Grimmauld Place. While guarding the Hall of Prophecy for the Order of the Phoenix, Arthur Weasley was attacked by Voldemort’s snake Nagini. The attack was witnessed by Harry through his unexplained mental connection with Voldemort. Critically injured, Arthur was taken to St. Mungo’s, but was expected to make a full recovery.

Tonks and Mad-Eye Moody were tasked with taking the Weasley kids to St. Mungo’s to visit their dad. Lupin and Kingsley were in charge of investigating how Voldemort had gotten inside the Ministry to orchestrate the attack. And so, they both got lost in their separate work.

***

**December 21, 1995**

Lupin walked into the kitchen at Grimmauld Place to find Molly kneading dough at the counter. He put a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “Molly. How’s Arthur?”

Molly turned to Lupin and smiled. “Coming home today! He’s expected to make a full recovery. I’m making his favorite bread as a surprise.”

“I’m so glad to hear that. He certainly gave all of us a scare.”

Molly’s face got tight as she focused on her baking. She took a deep breath and turned back to Lupin, her face breaking into a smile again. “To celebrate, we’re having a little Christmas Eve party here. Our son Charlie is even coming in from Romania. We have so much to be thankful for this holiday season, and you’re part of our family, Remus. Please plan on joining us.”

Lupin hung his head. “Oh, I don’t know that I’m really the best company right now, Molly. I always feel a bit down around the holidays.”

“And that’s exactly why you should come. I won’t take no for an answer,” she told him firmly, patting his cheek, and leaving a smudge of flour on Lupin’s face.

***

**December 24, 1995**

Lupin begrudgingly walked downstairs at Grimmauld Place to find the party in full swing. Arthur was the center of attention, surrounded by family and other well wishers and beaming from ear-to-ear. His face was heavily bandaged, but the prognosis was good, and his spirits were high.

Molly walked up to Lupin and handed him a glass of red wine. “I’m so glad you’re here, Remus,” she said, smiling at him as she squeezed his arm. “Merry Christmas.”

Lupin forced a smile.

Molly had magicked two trees with lights to decorate the otherwise gloomy and dark front hallway. Dumbledore and Hagrid were speaking to each other by the fireplace; McGonagall and Emmeline Vance were chatting with Dedalus Diggle. Harry and Ron were stuffing their mouths with meatballs, and Hermione and Ginny were talking with Hestia Jones. Then Lupin saw her walk in.

Tonks had chin-length bright white hair for the occasion, and she was wearing a short red party dress with a matching red headband. Fred and George Weasley both seemed to be following her around with looks of utter infatuation on their faces.

She gave Harry a small, working model of a Firebolt as a gift, which took off and flew around the room. Lupin watched the excited grin that spread across Tonks’ face as Harry and Ron chased after it.

Tonks turned and caught Lupin looking at her, and her cheeks flushed. He quickly cast his eyes down, but she appeared before him anyway. “Hi, Remus.”

“Oh. Hey, Tonks.” She handed him a small package wrapped in brown paper. “What’s this?” He ripped off the brown paper and turned it over in his hands. It was a copy of _Catch-22_ by Joseph Heller.

“You don’t already have it, do you?” she asked. “I didn’t see it on your bookshelf.”

He shook his head and met her eyes for the first time in nearly two months.

Tonks looked at him shyly and shrugged. “It’s a good book.” Her eyelashes were longer and darker than usual, her lips and fingernails painted red to match her dress. He glanced down at his own rumpled sweater self-consciously.

“Thank you. I’m — I didn’t get you anything. I’m sorry,” Lupin muttered.

She rolled her eyes and smiled at him. “Come on, Remus. You know I don’t care about that. Merry Christmas.” She turned and walked away, and Lupin went to pour himself another glass of wine.

“Always looking so miserable lately,” Sirius came up behind him and patted Lupin on the back, shaking his head. Lupin swallowed half the glass of wine in one gulp.

“Jesus, do you have a drinking problem now?” Sirius asked. “You know I don’t need one more thing to worry about.” Lupin just stared at him. “Okay, whatever then. Try not to be so antisocial, Moony, huh?”

Just then, Arthur came back with a tall, red-haired young man. “Look who’s here!” he announced to the room.

“Charlie!” Molly shrieked, hugging her second eldest son.

All the Weasley gathered round, talking excitedly. He’d apparently just gotten home, and the family couldn’t have looked happier to be together.

“Charlie?” Tonks squealed from across the room, running and jumping into his arms. He lifted her up and spun her around in a circle.

“Tonks! It’s been ages! How are you?” he smiled broadly at her.

“Wait, how do you know Tonks?” asked Ginny.

“We were at Hogwarts together,” Tonks said to Ginny. “Same year but different houses. I was a Hufflepuff, and of course your whole family’s in Gryffindor.”

“Tonks and I were good pals. She’s a brilliant witch. I’d never have passed Herbology without her. Oh my god, remember when you impersonated Professor Flitwick for the first few minutes of class before he actually showed up? I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard in my life!”

Tonks grinned up at him.

“What?” asked Fred, leaning in and raising his eyebrows at the mention of mischief.

“Um, we really need to hear more about this,” said George.

“ _Please_ ,” Ginny agreed eagerly, looking at her older brother.

“Oh my god, Tonks was an absolute riot. Always playing pranks with her disguises, her hair a different color almost every day. You look amazing, by the way,” Charlie said, reaching out to touch the ends of her hair with a level of such familiarity that it made Lupin’s mouth go dry.

“Aww, thanks. Your mom said you’re living in Romania now?”

“Yeah, been there for a couple years. So what’s new with you? My parents told me you’ve been doing a lot for the Order. I have to admit, that doesn’t surprise me at all.”

Lupin walked away so he wouldn’t have to listen to them anymore. Why couldn’t he talk to her like that? Every time he tried, he felt like he stumbled awkwardly over his words. Charlie said something that made Tonks burst out laughing, and she clutched at his arm. Lupin swallowed down the lump in his throat, and went to pour himself another drink.

“Pussy,” Sirius taunted in his ear, coming up behind his friend.

Lupin glared at him. “Shut up.”

“Just go talk to her,” Sirius urged. “Ask her if she needs a drink or something.”

“She’s talking to Charlie — he’s a much more _age appropriate_ option for her. And he’s no doubt regaling her with exciting tales about life with dragons in Romania. I don’t really stand a chance against that, Sirius. Nor should I try. Just leave it alone.”

“What? No way. She’s not interested in Charlie Weasley. He’s just an old friend from school. Imagine if you ran into…” Sirius trailed off, scrambling to come up with a name.

“No girl from our grade would’ve thrown herself into my arms like that,” Lupin said, smiling ruefully. “You, maybe. Not me.”

“Okay, have it your way… I can’t force you. You’re too stubborn for your own good. I’m going to go and actually enjoy myself. We are at a party, you know.” Sirius sighed heavily and walked away.

Lupin looked around the room. Everyone was having a good time, chatting with each other animatedly. He felt oddly out of place, even among his friends and colleagues. Molly went over and said something to Tonks, who nodded with a smile. Tonks grabbed an empty platter from the table and left the room, walking down the hall toward the kitchen.

Sirius caught Lupin’s gaze from across the room and gestured toward the door, raising his eyebrows, clearly encouraging him to follow her. But Remus shook his head, and Sirius rolled his eyes before returning to his conversation with Hagrid and Arthur. Lupin stood there, weighing his options. With all his nerves and a few glasses of wine, part of him just felt like going upstairs to his bed and passing out. But then he imagined Tonks once he left the party, taking Charlie Weasley’s arm and asking him where he was spending the night…

His heart pounding, he made his way down to the kitchen. Tonks stood with her back to him, refilling the platter with food from the stove. Lupin’s eyes traveled down her neck and noticed that one of the straps of her dress had slipped down her arm, leaving her shoulder bare. He cleared his throat and she spun around.

“Fuck, you scared me, Remus,” she gasped with a grin.

Lupin walked slowly over to her and set down his empty wine glass on the counter, and then just stood there awkwardly, staring at her, not knowing what to do or say.

Tonks glanced up at him. “You okay?”

He nodded. “Are you having fun?” he asked lamely. 

“Oh yeah. The party’s great — and much needed, as hard as everyone’s been working. I just love Christmas. Don’t you?”

Lupin swallowed hard and didn’t answer, looking down at his hands.

She stopped and studied him for a moment, tilting her head to the side. “I can’t figure you out, Remus Lupin. What are you doing down here anyway?”

Lupin met her eyes and was sure in this moment that she could read his mind — every unholy thought he’d had about her over the past year, all of his fears and hangups and apprehensions about being with her — and he realized that part of him _wanted_ her to know how he felt, what he was thinking, how she was always on his mind, even as he’d fought for these past weeks to pretend that she didn’t exist.

Tonks’ breath caught in her throat, momentarily paralyzed by the intensity of his gaze. She felt her knees wobble, and reached out for the kitchen counter to steady herself.

Then, without pausing to give it another thought, Tonks stood on her tiptoes and pressed her lips against his. Lupin froze for a moment, but then closed his eyes and leaned into her. The kiss was tentative and slow, her lips parting slightly.

They pulled apart, and he watched her dark eyelashes flutter open. “Tonks, this is such a bad idea…”

She put her hands on her hips. “I’ve had exactly one glass of wine, so you can’t say I’m drunk this time. Did you follow me down here on purpose or not?”

Lupin regarded her with a hopeless look on his face. “Why would you possibly want to have anything to do with me? I’m no good for you. For anyone, really. Plus, I’m way too old for you.”

Tonks shook her head. “I don’t think you’re too old. But make up your mind. We flirted nonstop for, what… a year? Then I finally got up the nerve to tell you that I’m in love with you, and you just stand there and then ignore me for weeks. Which made me feel like complete shit, by the way. But now, here you are, and you’re _looking_ at me like that again. So which is it? Do you want me, or not?”

Lupin’s jaw dropped slightly, but quickly recovered. “I mean — _yes_ , I want you. You know I do, Tonks. But —”

Tonks pressed a finger to his lips. “Then stop feeling sorry for yourself and kiss me already, Remus. It’s Christmas Eve.” She directed her gaze above them at the mistletoe she had magicked into existence just over their heads.

Lupin laughed loudly, and this time, it was a genuine sound, full of warmth and life. He swallowed hard and brushed a strand of hair off her forehead, running his thumb along her cheekbone. “You’re beautiful,” he whispered.

“Really?” she asked, suddenly shy, her face flushing pink.

“Mmm hmm. So beautiful.” And he kissed her, not thinking about tomorrow, not thinking about anything but the smell of her perfume and the softness of her lips. His whole body buzzed as her tongue slid against his. She let out a breathy sigh, and he was a little surprised that his head didn’t just fucking explode. He pulled her tighter against him, somehow never able to get her as close as he wanted.

They stayed together like that, lips locked, for minutes that felt like hours, until Tonks finally pulled back. Her cheeks were flushed, her headband crooked in her hair. “I need to take the food out, or Molly will start to wonder where I went.”

Lupin nodded. “Okay,” he said huskily, clearing his throat.

Her nose wrinkled and she grinned. “Hold on. You’ve got some of my lipstick.” Lupin’s face reddened as she grabbed a napkin and licked it, rubbing the corners of his mouth.

“Thanks,” he said awkwardly, taking the tray from her. “I’ll help with that.”

Tonks smiled. “Would you? Last thing we need is me tripping up the stairs and sending these flying all over the floor.”

They reentered the room, and Lupin felt immediately self-conscious, but it appeared that no one besides Sirius (who obnoxiously gave him a thumbs up when Tonks wasn’t looking) had seemed to notice their absence. Ginny and Hermione quickly called Tonks over to them, and Lupin found himself making small talk that he wouldn’t remember in the morning. His eyes kept finding her across the room, and she’d smile or wink at him, making his stomach churn.

And at the end of the night, after most of the guests had left, Lupin pulled a giggling Tonks up the stairs to his room by the hand. Once the door closed and they were alone in the darkness, she kicked off her shoes and shoved him backwards until he fell back onto the bed.

“Oof. Go easy on me, girl.”

Tonks lay down next to him, grinning. “Hi.”

Lupin chuckled. “Hey there.”

“We’re in your bed,” she breathed, her eyes wide.

“Uh huh.” Lupin’s heart was thundering in his chest.

“Mmm. It’s about fucking time.”

She pressed her lips to his neck, starting under his ear and slowly making her way down. Lupin’s whole body shuddered, and he let out a ragged groan as a fire seemed to course through his veins.

He grabbed her face and kissed her again and again, running his hands along her spine, tugging her closer. Lupin gently bit her lower lip, and Tonks gasped, smiling against his mouth. His fingers were in her hair, tracing the line of her neck, and then he found the zipper of her dress.

Lupin fantasized about slowly dragging it down her back, peeling the fabric off her body, unwrapping her like a Christmas gift. He knew she’d let him, that she wanted him to. But his stomach gave a sudden, violent lurch, imagining the events that undressing her would set in motion, and he left the zipper in place for now.

Tonks pulled him on top of her, her knees falling apart so Lupin could get even closer. He felt a tightness in his chest as he leaned his full weight against her, and she let out a breathy sigh that made his cock twitch, which he was certain she could feel. Her fingers deftly unbuttoned his cardigan and threw it on the floor, and she pressed her lips to his, never breaking eye contact. Then she lay back, her hair fanning out on the pillow, and a moment of heavy, unspoken anticipation hung between them.

She was wearing a black choker that contrasted with her pale skin. Lupin felt his eyes follow the length of her neck to the curve of her collarbone, and then down to the ruched bodice of her red dress that wrapped snugly around her breasts, her torso, her narrow waist. In that moment, Lupin was confident that he could do whatever he wanted to her, that she would let him, that she was willingly his for the taking. It was both exhilarating and terrifying. He ran his hands up her legs, pushing under her skirt and finding the lacy tops of her stockings. Part of him wanted to rip them off of her, possibly with his teeth. But part of him also felt like he was going to puke, and he definitely did not want that to happen right now.

He rolled off of her, laying back on the other pillow, and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. Tonks propped herself up on her side, her eyebrows furrowed with concern. “You okay, Remus?”

“Uh huh.”

“Okay.”

“Come here,” he begged her, lifting his arm so she could curl up against him.

She smiled and lay her head on his chest, listening to his heart thundering under his ribs.

“I’m sorry,” Lupin whispered.

Tonks swallowed hard. "It’s okay.”

“I think I drank too much wine.”

“Mmm. That happens sometimes at parties.”

“Please don’t me mad at me.”

She smiled. “I’m not mad at you, Remus.”

“No?”

“Nope. It’s okay.”

“I really like you, Tonks.”

“Mmm. I really like you too.”

It wasn’t long before they both drifted off to sleep, one of his hands pressing gently against the small of her back, the other hand in her hair.


	15. One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

**December 25, 1995**

Lupin woke up the next morning in his dress shirt and gray pants, the events of late last evening coming back to him in flashes. He was lying on his side, and Tonks was curled up under his arm, still wearing her red Christmas dress. Their shoes had been kicked off carelessly after they stumbled in and slammed the door shut late last night, his sweater crumpled next to the bed where she’d discarded it. He found his hand resting comfortably on the curve of her hip, and suddenly felt shy in the light of day to be holding her in this way.

Tonks stirred, opening her eyes, and smiled sleepily at Lupin. “Morning.”

“Good morning,” he murmured.

“You snore, you know,” she said.

“Oh. Sorry…”

Tonks stretched as she woke up, and Lupin found himself wondering awkwardly what to do or say next, his hand still on her hip.

“Mmm. My legs are itchy,” she complained.

“What?” Lupin looked confused.

“My dress — this material under the skirt is really scratchy. I didn’t expect to sleep in it, you know.”

“Oh. Right. Well, sorry about that too.”

“I’m not sorry about any of it,” Tonks grinned. She leaned forward and kissed his jaw, then moved her lips down his neck.

Lupin’s whole body tensed, and he swallowed hard, letting his hand drop from her hip and rolling over to lie flat on his back, looking up at the ceiling. His chest was so tight he could hardly breathe.

“You okay, Remus?”

He nodded. “Uh huh.”

“It’s Christmas Day,” she said. 

“So it is.”

“I’m going to my parents’ house for dinner tonight. Are you doing anything?”

“Yeah, I’m going to see my dad later,” Lupin told her.

“What do you guys do for Christmas?”

Lupin shrugged. “We’ll talk. Eat dinner. Have a drink. I don’t know. It’s been too long. It will be good to see him.”

“That’s nice,” Tonks smiled. Then she bit her lip as she looked at him. “Hey, do you think anyone knows I spent the night in here?”

“Ummm…” he stammered.

“I hope not. That’d be kind of embarrassing. I mean, not because of _you_. I like you. I like you a lot. But, I’d be embarrassed if they all knew something so personal right now, you know? Plus, they’d all probably think we slept together. Which I mean, we technically did _sleep_ together, but we didn’t — you know — have sex. Yet.”

Lupin just looked back at her with wide eyes, his mouth agape, but she didn’t seem to notice his reaction and kept talking.

She began playing with one of the buttons on his shirt. “Last night was — fun. Right? Maybe we could give it another try... ?”

He swallowed. “I — uh — look, Tonks — ”

“Uh oh,” she said, sitting up. “That doesn’t sound good.”

“Look,” he assured her, sitting up as well. “It’s not you. You’re wonderful. I just — my situation is very complicated.”

“Obviously,” she said.

“Yeah. So… so I think we should just take things slow? See what happens?”

Tonks smiled and nodded. “Okay. I can do that.”

“Okay,” Lupin repeated. But as she curled back up against him and sighed, he felt very uneasy under the weight of unspoken expectations.

***

**December 26, 1995**

Lupin woke up the next morning, alone in his bed after having Christmas dinner with his dad the night before. His pillow still smelled like Tonks. He had a growing pit in his gut that made him almost physically ill.

He had feelings for Tonks, big feelings that terrified him; that part was undeniable. He’d never experienced something like this before, and he felt desperate to see her again. He wanted to chase the feeling that overwhelmed his whole body when she was pressed up against him in his bed.

But as the day went on, spent all alone at Grimmauld Place, his anxiety took over, and Remus found himself losing his nerve. By the time Lupin went to bed that night, he had convinced himself that he needed to avoid Nymphadora Tonks at all costs.

After twenty-four hours of being stuck inside his own head, it seemed to be the only sane option.

***

**December 29, 1995**

Tonks sat at the table for a meeting, making sure to leave an empty seat next to her for Lupin. She hadn’t been back to Grimmauld Place since Christmas, and her heart was pounding at the thought of seeing him again. She took a deep breath and looked around the room, trying to act natural, casual. She played with the cap of her pen. She paged through her notebook, pretending to look at old notes. Where was he?

Lupin walked in at the last minute and strode to the front of the room, looking straight past her to the back of the room. “Alright everyone. Thanks for coming. Dumbledore couldn’t make it, so he asked me to pass a few things along. This will be pretty short, and then I need to head back out.”

“We’ve still been unable to figure out how exactly that snake was able to get inside the Ministry to attack Arthur. It’s quite concerning. We’re still investigating this with all of our manpower. Kingsley is heading up the official investigation at the Ministry, so we’re getting the inside scoop from that end. Keep your ears to the ground, and be on high alert when patrolling at the Ministry. It’s apparently not as heavily guarded as we think. In fact, we ought to assume that every location is not as safe as we think. Minerva, how are things at Hogwarts?”

McGonagall shook her head. “Not good, I’m afriad. Dolores Umbridge is implementing Ministry rule over everything. It’s an overreach and an interference. They don’t know what’s best for students, and they don’t care. We’re doing these young people a terrible disservice. But some of us are still trying.”

Lupin nodded solemnly. “I know you are, Minerva. We’re lucky to have you there. Please keep us posted. Tomorrow I’m going to take Doge with me to watch Malfoy’s house. Mad-Eye, you take Tonks and see what Jugson’s up to. Hopefully one of them can lead us to Pettigrew. Anything else?”

The room was quiet. “Alright, meeting adjourned.” He straightened his papers and tucked them inside a folder, then walked out of the room. Tonks got up and followed him halfway up the stairs before she grabbed his hand.

“Hey,” she grinned at him. “How are you?”

“Sorry, I can’t talk now, Tonks,” Lupin replied distractedly, pulling away from her and not meeting her eyes. “Maybe later, okay?”

He walked away from her, and she felt her heart sink.

***

**January 12, 1996**

After two more icy meetings, Tonks was used to not even getting a glance from Lupin. She sat at the table glumly as business was discussed around her, not sure what she did wrong, or what made him change his mind.

Just then Dumbledore snapped her back to attention when she heard her name. “Tonks, Remus, will you escort Harry and the other kids back to Hogwarts tomorrow morning? We’re being watched, and I fear there could be an attempt against Harry.”

Lupin’s jaw dropped open, looking at Dumbledore imploringly. He’d all but begged the older man to keep him away from Tonks.

But Albus just raised his eyebrows. “I need my best people on this. Thank you for doing what is asked of you,” he said firmly, looking at Lupin, who shut his mouth and looked down to his hands, nodding.

***

**January 13, 1996**

***Portions of this chapter are directly from _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_ by J.K. Rowling***

Lupin and Tonks sat in awkward silence in the kitchen the next morning before heading to Hogwarts. Lupin drank a cup of coffee while Tonks picked at a piece of toast, mostly just ripping it up into crumbs and making a mess on her plate.

“Why are you avoiding me?” she blurted out.

“I haven’t been avoiding you.”She looked at him pointedly and raised her eyebrows.

Lupin relented. “Okay, maybe I’ve been avoiding you.”

“Why? On Christmas Eve, I thought…” she trailed off awkwardly as Harry, Ron, and Hermione walked in.

The adults seemed to have been midway through a whispered conversation when the door opened; they looked around and fell silent. After a hurried breakfast, they pulled on jackets and scarves against the chilly gray January morning.

Sirius pulled Harry aside. “I want you to take this,” he said quietly, thrusting a badly wrapped package roughly the size of a paperback book into Harry’s hands.

“What is it?” Harry asked.”

A way of letting me know if Snape’s giving you a hard time. No, don’t open it in here!” said Sirius, with a wary look around. “I doubt Molly would approve — but I want you to use it if you need me, all right?”

“Okay,” said Harry, stowing the package away in the inside pocket of his jacket.

“Let’s go, then,” said Sirius, clapping Harry on the shoulder, and before Harry could say anything else, they were heading upstairs, stopping before the heavily chained and bolted front door, surrounded by Weasleys.

“Good-bye, Harry, take care,” said Molly, hugging him.

“See you Harry. Keep an eye out for snakes for me!” said Arthur with a grin, shaking his hand. 

“Right — yeah,” said Harry distractedly. 

Sirius gave him a brief, one-armed hug and said gruffly, “Look after yourself, Harry.”

Then Tonks (today heavily disguised as a tall, tweedy woman with iron-gray hair) pulled him along. They followed Lupin down the front steps. “Come on, the quicker we get on the bus the better,” said Tonks, and Harry thought there was nervousness in the glance she threw around the square.

Lupin flung out his right arm. BANG. A purple, triple-decker bus had appeared out of thin air in front of them, narrowly avoiding the lamppost, which jumped backward out of its way.

A thin, pimply, jug-eared youth in a purple uniform leapt down onto the pavement and said, “Welcome to the —”

“Yes, yes, we know, thank you,” said Tonks swiftly. “On, on, get on —” And she shoved Harry forward toward the steps, past the conductor, who goggled at Harry as he passed.

“ ’Ere — it’s ’Arry — !”

“If you say his name I will curse you into oblivion,” threatened Tonks menacingly, now shunting Ginny and Hermione forward. The conductor gulped and shut his mouth.

“I’ve always wanted to go on this thing,” said Ron happily.

“Looks like we’ll have to split up,” said Tonks briskly, looking around for empty chairs, Lupin not meeting her eyes. “Fred, George, and Ginny, if you just take those seats at the back, Remus can stay with you.”

She, Harry, Ron, and Hermione proceeded up to the very top deck, where there were two chairs at the very front of the bus and two at the back. It rumbled around the square, weaving on and off the pavement, then, with another tremendous BANG, they were all flung backward. The Knight Bus swayed alarmingly, overtaking a line of cars on the inside. Flecks of snow hit the large window at the front of the bus.

At last they rolled to a halt outside the gates to Hogwarts. Lupin and Tonks helped them off the bus with their luggage and then got off to say good-bye. “You’ll be safe once you’re in the grounds,” said Tonks, casting a careful eye around at the deserted road. “Have a good term, okay?”

“Look after yourselves,” said Lupin, shaking hands all round and reaching Harry last. He lowered his voice while the rest of them exchanged last-minute good-byes with Tonks. “Harry, I know you don’t like Snape, but he is a superb Occlumens and we all — Sirius included — want you to learn to protect yourself, so work hard, all right?”

“Yeah, all right,” said Harry heavily, looking up into Lupin’s prematurely lined face. The six of them struggled up the slippery drive toward the castle dragging their trunks, and Lupin and Tonks reboarded the Knight Bus to take them back to Grimmauld Place.

They sat side-by-side in painfully awkward silence, the unfinished conversation from earlier hanging heavily in the air between them. Lupin seemed to be looking anywhere else but at her. The normally bubbly and talkative Tonks was silent. Several minutes passed by, both of them holding tightly onto their seats and not saying a word.

Just then, the bus lurched dangerously around a corner and sent Tonks flying straight into Lupin, her chin slamming painfully against his shoulder. “Oof. _Ow_.”

He turned to look at her, a look of concern on his face. “Are you alright?” He reached out to examine her face, running his thumb over her jaw.

Tonks flushed, looking down at her lap. “I’m fine.”

The bus screeched to a halt at Grimmauld Place and they got off. The pair looked around cautiously and watched the other’s back the whole walk up to the front door, knowing there was still a good chance they were being watched.

Lupin pointed his wand at the door and opened it, stepping aside to let Tonks in first. He closed the door shut behind them. “Well, I’m going up to bed. Are you staying here tonight? Goodnight, Tonks.”

“So that’s it? You’re just never going to talk to me again?” Tonks’ voice was shaking and she willed herself not to cry. “Why are you being such an asshole, Remus?”

He looked at the ground. “Look, about Christmas Eve… I shouldn’t have led you on like that. It was selfish of me. The truth is, I like you, and despite my better judgement, I acted on it. I had a bit too much wine, and you looked — I mean, _that dress_ —” He trailed off and shook his head. “But I’m a werewolf, Tonks. I can’t be in a relationship with someone. It’s just not — possible. I’m really sorry.”

“But it’s only during full moons, right? And the Wolfsbane potion can help control your transformations?” Tonks asked hopefully. She had studied werewolves in school, of course, and had even encountered a few in her work as an Auror. But this calm, steady man she had grown to rely on over the past year was so different from how she always imagined a werewolf would be.

“I only transition at the full moon, yes,” Remus answered slowly, “and it’s true that the potion Snape has been brewing for me every month has been life-changing. But it still leaves me incapacitated for a few days every a month, and the effectiveness varies from batch to batch. And then I need to rest and rehabilitate once I’m myself again. And it’s sometimes hard to control my temper. It… can be dangerous.”

Tonks was unusually quiet.

“It’s really complicated, and just not a good idea. I’m sorry, Tonks — I can’t be with you. You understand, right?”

She nodded, looking at her feet. “Sure. I understand. Goodnight, Remus.” Tonks quickly opened the front door of the house, and then she was gone.

Lupin closed his eyes and swallowed the lump in his throat. It was for the best. There was no way this story had a happy ending.


	16. Shut Up and Kiss Me Already

**January 15, 1996**

After the next meeting, Tonks was the first person to rush out the door, and the others all followed suit. It was a cold night, and everyone wanted to head home. Before long, Lupin and Sirius were the only two left.

“I’m going to have a drink,” Sirius announced. “Come on.”

“I’m in,” Lupin replied, shrugging. They retired upstairs to the drawing room, and Sirius poured them each a glass of firewhisky.

“So, what’s up with our girl Tonks? She ran out of here like the place was on fucking fire tonight.” Sirius raised his eyebrows.

Lupin shrugged. “I don’t know. Why don’t you ask her?“

“I’m asking _you_. Correct me if I’m wrong — and I’m usually not — but did I see her leaving here on Christmas morning? In a red dress? The same red dress she was wearing at the party the evening before? All the spare rooms were full, so do _you_ have any idea where she spent the night, Remus? Hmm?”

Lupin fixed him with an unamused look. “Please stop pushing this. Christmas Eve was a mistake, and I already told her so. I wasn’t thinking clearly.”

“Thinking clearly is overrated. Especially when it comes to love. And what do you mean you told her so?”

“She ambushed me with a bunch of questions the other night after we took the kids back to Hogwarts. I told her it was a mistake and it can’t happen again.”

“Ha! I bet that went over well,” Sirius replied.

“I mean, she wasn’t pleased. But she’ll be fine. She’ll forget about me and find someone younger and less — _complicated_ — and she’ll be much better off for it.”

“Uh huh. And imagine how you’ll feel then, Moony. I saw the look on your face when she was just _talking_ to the Weasley boy at Christmas. What happens to you if she moves on with someone else?”

Lupin realized with a start that he would be devastated. A tingling and terrifying numbness swept over his entire body. He was in love with Tonks, and it was the first time he actually admitted that to himself.

“I’ll get over it,” he replied unconvincingly.

“Remus, why are you resisting this so much? You’d be good for each other.”

“And why do _you_ care so much, Sirius?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never seen you even consider someone, after all these years knowing you. It’s fascinating, I guess. I worry about you being alone all the time; I always have. And I like her. Plus, I want to give the best man toast at your wedding!”

“Wow. You’re funny — a wedding. Come on. What would a relationship with me even look like? When I have to leave every few weeks? When I could easily kill her with one careless mistake at the wrong time of the month? Not to mention that she’d forever be an outcast for her association with me.”

“Just because you didn’t see her coming seems like a foolish reason to push her away. She _loves_ you, Remus. You talk about careless mistakes, but you’re probably the least careless person I know. And she’s smart too. Just take it one day at a time. What if this is your chance to be happy — to find something good in this shitty world? If you don’t even give it a chance, you’ll regret it. Don’t be a miserable, stubborn fool. Life is meant to be enjoyed.”

Lupin swallowed, considering his friend's words. He remembered how it felt to wake up with her curled up next to him on Christmas morning, and felt his resolve cracking.

 _One day at a time._ Despite himself, Lupin felt a little smile spread across his face as he realized that days he spent with Tonks were a hell of a lot brighter than days spent without her.

***

**January 18, 1996**

A few nights later, Tonks was using her wand to absentmindedly stir a pot of soup that she was reheating on the stove while reading at the kitchen table. Lupin leaned in the doorway and just watched her for a long moment, getting up the nerve, and then he cleared his throat.

She jumped, looking up at him with wide eyes. “Remus. You fucking scared me.” She let out a shaky breath and glanced back down, pretending to be engrossed in her book instead of having to face him, nervously twirling a strand of pink hair around one of her fingers.

“You have a filthy mouth, you know.” The corners of Lupin’s mouth turned up playfully, but she didn’t react. “Tonks, can we talk? I feel like — like our last conversation didn’t end very well.”

Tonks just shrugged.

Lupin sat next to her, taking the book out of her hands and forcing her to meet his eyes. “Look. I think it’s obvious that I care for you. I’ve never felt this way about anyone, and I know I’m not handling it well, and I say all the wrong things. You amaze me every day. I mean, you also intimidate the crap out of me, but that’s besides the point. If it was possible for me to be with someone — ”

He trailed off, swallowing the lump in his throat and shaking his head. “But I’m an outcast, Tonks. People don’t want werewolves around, and if we — well, you’d be guilty by association. At best, my condition would be a great inconvenience to your lifestyle — at worst, extremely dangerous. I’m just a poor, broken man who has nothing to offer you.”

Tonks shrugged. “You know I don’t care about any of that.”

He laughed without any humor in his voice. “You should. You deserve more.”

She looked at him earnestly. “But I want _you_.”

“You don’t think I’m — too old for you?”

Tonks shrugged, biting her lip. “No, I don’t think so. I’ve kind of always preferred older men.”

Lupin's eyes went wide. “Oh... really?” But then he shook his head. “Look, I can’t even start to imagine how something like this would work for us.”

“So we figure it out. I’m willing to try if you are.”

“Tonks, I’m just worried —”

“It sure sounds like you’ve wasted a lot of time being worried. I’m going to tell you one last time: I’m in love with you, Remus. Now, if you’re really not interested, just say so, and I won’t bother you again. We’ll just work together, and I’ll move on. But if you’re going to stay, then shut up and kiss me already.” She folded her arms across her chest.

Lupin stared at her for a long moment, weighing her words carefully, then shook his head and grinned. “God, but you do make me laugh.” Against his better judgement, and ignoring the voice in his head that told him this was a terrible idea, he leaned in and kissed her.

His hands found her waist, then slipped into the back pockets of her jeans, pulling her closer and closer to him. He’d been resisting her and denying himself for so long, but now it was like the floodgates had opened and he couldn’t hold back any longer. Kissing her with an intensity and a longing that he’d never felt before and almost frightened him, Lupin felt like he never wanted to let her go.

“It's about fucking time!” came Sirius’ booming voice across the room as he walked into the kitchen.

Tonks and Lupin flew apart from each other as Sirius laughed, grabbing a beer from the fridge and cracking it open. He leaned against the counter and looked at them, taking a long swig from the bottle.

“Whatcha doing, you two?” he asked mischievously.

“Tonks and I were just talking,” Lupin replied steadily. Tonks couldn’t meet Sirius’ eyes and bit her bottom lip in an effort to stop smiling.

“Talking! Yes, of course. Looked like a _very_ interesting conversation. Guess I’ll leave you to it,” Sirius winked, clapping Lupin on the shoulder on his way out the door.

Tonks and Lupin looked at each other sheepishly. She blushed, a grin on her face, and he chuckled, looking embarrassed. The mood had been diffused by Sirius’ intrusion, and Tonks felt suddenly very aware of her hands, fidgeting nervously and struggling to decide where to put them. Finally, after a long stretch of silence and unanswered questions hanging between them, Lupin stood up, reaching his hand out to her.

“I need to get some sleep. Tomorrow is another day. We’ll talk — _I promise_ — and we’ll figure out what comes next. We just need to go slow. Okay?”

He pressed his lips to her forehead, the palm of his hand cradling her face for a moment while he studied her intently, and then he kissed her again on the mouth.

“Okay,” Tonks nodded. “But don’t disappear on me again. You need to tell me what you’re thinking so I don’t feel like an idiot. Don’t be an asshole, Remus.”

Lupin chuckled. “Fair enough. I’ll try not to be an asshole.”

She shrugged, smiling at him. “I guess that’s all I can ask.” She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him deeply, pulling him down toward her, and this time, he didn't hesitate, his hands gripping her hips and tugging her closer.

Lupin still had plenty of worries, but something about being with Tonks made him feel lighter, younger, brighter, and he felt drawn to her, despite that nagging fear in his gut that the reality of his day-to-day meant their relationship didn’t stand a chance.

Tonks practically floated out the door that night.


	17. Beauty and the Beast

**January 20, 1996**

Lupin and Tonks sat across from each other at the next meeting, sneaking nervous glances and smiles, but mostly ended up avoiding eye contact as they struggled to pay attention. One time their gaze met, and Tonks dropped her pen and her cheeks blushed so deeply that Lupin was afraid to look at her again.

Plus, the news was important. Ten Death Eaters, including Bellatrix Lestrange, had escaped from Azkaban prison in a mass breakout. Dumbledore got a tight look on his face and looked right at Lupin. “Remus, I thought you should know. Dolohov was one of them too.”

Tonks looked at Lupin, noticing his eyes darken, and he nodded curtly.

After the meeting disbanded, she remained behind, the last in the house, lingering by the front door. Lupin walked over to her, nervously meeting her eyes. “Hey.”

“Hi,” she smiled up at him.

“What’s new?” he asked.

“Nothing you don’t already know. We just sat in a meeting together for two hours.” Tonks grinned at him.

“Sorry. I guess I don’t know what to say,” he admitted with an awkward smile.

Tonks shrugged. “Then you don’t need to say anything.”

So he didn’t, and they just stood there. She reached out and took his hand, and he let her.

“Hey, do you think I can borrow one of your books? I could come upstairs and take a look so I can pick out a good one.” She bit her lip and looked up at him.

“Um… yeah, okay.”

This time she led Lupin up the stairs by the hand and pulled him inside his bedroom. It was remarkably neater than the last time she had been in there.

He gestured to his bookcase. “You can take any one you want.”

Tonks shut the door and gave him a funny look. “You do realize that I have no interest in actually borrowing a book… right?”

“Oh, really? I mean — sorry, I just —”

She wrapped her arms around his neck. “Stop overthinking everything. Why don’t we just start with this?” Tonks placed a soft kiss on his lips. He closed his eyes and pulled her toward him, trying to steady his breathing to a normal tempo.

His senses were overwhelmed by her — the feeling of her tongue sliding against his, the softness of the skin on the small of her back, her smell, her taste.

She pulled back after a few minutes, her lips already red and a little swollen. “Mmm. I wish I could stay. But I’m working tonight.”

“Oh,” Lupin replied, disappointed. “Who are you with?”

“Mad-Eye and Kingsley.”

“Will it be dangerous?”

“We’ll be fine. I probably don’t have to leave for a few more minutes?”

Lupin stepped backward toward his bed, pulling her with him. He yanked her toward him as their lips found each other, and she was laughing, her fingers toying with the hair at the back of his neck.

“See?” she murmured. “You’re getting better at this already.”

***

**January 26, 1996**

Early one evening, Lupin got back to Grimmauld Place and walked down the stairs to the kitchen to fix himself a cup of tea.

He saw Tonks standing at the sink, washing a bowl and humming to herself, her pink hair falling in loose waves around her shoulders. He felt that familiar urge pulling him to her. Lupin moved silently across the room and stood behind her, slipping his fingers through the belt loops of her jeans and tugging her back toward him as he pressed his lips to the spot on her neck just behind her ear.

Tonks gasped, dropping the bowl in the sink. Luckily it didn’t break. “Remus! Holy crap. You startled me.” She leaned all the way back into Lupin, laughing, her heart still pounding. “Why are you always sneaking up on me, huh?”

“I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to,” he murmured into her hair, wrapping his arms around her waist and breathing her in. He pushed up against her, pinning her to the counter, and his hand traveled up her shirt until he found the her lace bra.

“Umm...” came an uncomfortable voice from behind them.

Lupin spun around to face Arthur Weasley, sitting at the end of the table, his mouth open, eyes wide. His hand was holding a biscuit that seemed frozen in midair between the plate and his mouth, staring at them.

“Arthur! Oh — I just — ” Lupin stammered guiltily, stepping away from Tonks.

Arthur just gaped at him with red cheeks, clearly embarrassed by the surprisingly intimate moment he had witnessed. Tonks covered her mouth with both hands to stifle a laugh.

“Aww, fuck,” Lupin muttered, fleeing from the room.

***

Lupin sought out Arthur the next day, pulling him aside before the Order meeting. “Hey, can we talk for a minute?”

Arthur nodded uncomfortably.

Lupin took a deep breath, shaking his head as he met Arthur’s eyes. “Look. I’m sorry about the other night. I didn’t know anyone else was in the room and —”

Arthur looked Lupin in the eye, a serious expression crossing his face, his tone growing uncharacteristically tense. “She’s very young, Remus. Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

Lupin swallowed hard. “I’m sorry. It’s still… new.” He looked at his colleague, a man he trusted and respected, and realized guiltily that Arthur’s own daughter, whom he had taught Defense Against the Dark Arts, was really not all _that_ much younger than Tonks.

In that moment, it also dawned on Lupin that if he had been employed at Hogwarts only a few years earlier, Tonks would have been his student. In her uniform, with her school books, sitting in his classroom.

He felt uneasy under the scrutiny of a third party, and he felt his mouth go dry. Tonks was over a decade younger than him. What was he thinking? Would others object to their relationship? From an outsider, it could look bad... an older, dangerous monster, corrupting the naïve, impetuous young witch. _Was_ he taking advantage of her? People finding out about them took this to a new level.

But then Arthur’s expression and tone both softened. “You know what, sometimes age don’t really matter,” he conceded. “It’s not my place to judge. Tonks is an adult and can certainly hold her own. But does she know? About your lycanthropy, I mean?”

Lupin nodded solemnly. 

“And she’s okay with it?”

He shrugged, nodding again.

“You do look… happy,” Arthur smiled back. “You both do.”

Lupin looked down at his hands and his heart swelled, despite the nagging pit in his stomach. He closed his eyes. He _was_ happy, and it was a new feeling for him. A bit unsettling, to be honest. His cheeks flushed as he realized just how deeply he cared for Tonks.

Arthur grinned sheepishly. “I don’t know, Remus. I guess it’s good to see you with someone. People aren’t meant to be alone. If you two make each other happy, and she knows everything, and you’re careful… well, then I say go for it.”

Lupin looked up at him gratefully. “Thanks, Arthur. Please don’t tell anyone yet. Like I said, it’s still very new and —”

Arthur put his hands up. “Say no more. It’s your business, not mine.”

***

**February 3, 1996**

At the meeting a week later, Tonks walked down the stairs into the kitchen and slid into the empty seat at the long table next to Lupin, beaming at him. His hand reached for hers, and Tonks looked down at their fingers interlaced in her lap, the tips of her hair turning bright red.

Molly cleared her throat and raised her eyebrows at the two of them, but with a small, approving smile on her lips.

Sirius just grinned as he walked past. “Beauty and the Beast,” he teased.

“You can feel free to shut up at any time, Sirius,” said Lupin.

Other members of the Order filed in for the meeting, but the rest of them were so busy talking amongst themselves that they didn’t even notice the happy couple holding hands under the table.“Hey, Tonks,” Moody addressed her directly.

The young witch got flustered at hearing her name and pulled away, nervously folding her hands on top of the table. “Yeah, Mad-Eye?”

Lupin’s hand remained on her knee, playing with the hem of her skirt, and he suddenly felt bold in the crowded room.

“You and Kingsley need to find reasons to stop by the Department of Mysteries while you’re on your shift this week,” Moody continued. “Keep an eye on who comes and goes. Make sure that Lucius Malfoy is nowhere to be found. I have this feeling that he and Fudge are up to something, and that’s never a good sign.”

“Yep, will do,” Tonks croaked out, forcing her voice to sound casual as the rough tips of Lupin’s fingers gently stroked the inside of her thigh, sending shivers up and down her spine. She bit her lip and struggled to remain composed, while a mischievous smile played around Lupin’s mouth.

Sirius watched all of this unfold from the head of the table with great amusement. A few moments later, he noticed Tonks gasp and blush, Lupin’s hand still missing beneath the table.

After the meeting and dinner, Tonks helped Molly clear the table, and Lupin was talking animatedly with Arthur and Kingsley about something. One by one, the members of the Order started to leave, and Tonks found herself with something on her mind. She pulled Remus to the side.

“So, I was thinking that maybe I should plan on sleeping here tonight?” Tonks raised her eyebrows hopefully.

Lupin froze. “No, we can’t.”

“Oh.” Tonks looked crestfallen.

“Tomorrow is the full moon,” Lupin explained.

“Of course, right. Are you leaving tonight?”

“Well, no. But I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to stay over.”

“Why not?”

“I can get — pretty aggressive right before the full moon. It’s probably not a good idea to risk it. I could — hurt you.”

“Oh.” Tonks bit her lip.

“I told you, this wasn’t going to be easy,” Lupin brushed hair out of her face and ran his thumb over her cheekbone, looking at her sadly.

“I know.” She swallowed hard.

“I’ll be back in a few days.”

Tonks nodded.

Lupin wrapped his arms around her waist. “I’ll miss you.”

Tonks forced a smile and kissed him. “Just come back to me in one piece, okay?”

***

**February 6, 1996**

Tonks walked upstairs to the drawing room to return a book she’d finished and find a new one to read. She entered the room to find Sirius sitting in one of the armchairs alongside the fireplace.

“Hey Tonks, you want one?” Sirius gestured to his whiskey.

“Oooh, yes, please.” She sank down into the chair next to him. She sighed, cracking her knuckles and tucking her legs underneath her.

“How’s it going?” Sirius asked casually, handing her a glass.

She shrugged. “Good. Can’t really complain. The work’s been exciting. I like being in the action. It’s where I belong.”

Sirius nodded. “It sure is. I’ve heard you’re a heck of an asset in the field lately. Wish I could be out there with all of you.”

Tonks looked at him, her eyes full of empathy for Sirius’ situation, and nodded, taking a sip of the whiskey.

“So, how’s Remus?”

She choked on her drink and sputtered.

Sirius laughed. “Come on. I did walk in on the two of you locking lips the other night, remember. Did you really think I would let that pass by without comment?”

Tonks smiled sheepishly and shrugged. “Fair enough. Remus is good. I don’t know. He’s… really hard to read sometimes.”

Sirius chuckled and shook his head. “Yes, I supposed he probably is. You need to realize that he’s spent his entire existence thinking there wasn’t someone out there who could ever want him. He’s filled with self-loathing. He never dated anyone, Tonks. He just kind of closed off that part of himself. And then you came along all of a sudden and opened it up for the first time, and he’s very confused.”

Tonks sat quietly, taking it all in.

Sirius paused, a look of concern passing across his face. “Look — I want you two to work out as much as anyone. Lord knows my friend could use some company after all these years alone. But you do realize how dangerous he is, right?”

She nodded slowly.

Sirius pulled aside the neck of his shirt, revealing a horribly scarred shoulder. “I became an Animagus to keep him company during the full moon when we were kids. He did this,” he pointed. “He could rip you to pieces. A relationship will be very difficult to navigate. The logistics are complicated. I know it weighs on him. It’s a lot. He’s not just being dramatic when he says he wants to protect you.”

Tonks swallowed, mentally measuring the depth and length of Sirius’ terrifying mess of scars, and nodded slowly. _Holy fuck._

Sirius put his shirt back and leaned in. “Be patient. It’s going to take him a while to get used to the idea of someone loving him. And you’ll soon realize that getting stuck alone in his own head is a dangerous place for him to be.”

Tonks just looked at him with wide eyes and nodded.

“He’s careful — his first priority will always be keeping you safe. Go easy on him, Tonks. I think he’ll get there. Remus is loyal, the salt of the earth. You’ve chosen well. And he’d sure be lucky to have you.”

She absorbed all of this new insight, and smiled at his encouragement. “Thanks, Sirius.” Tonks checked the clock. “Shit. It’s late. I should probably go home.”

“Nah, don’t be ridiculous,” Sirius said with a grin. “Stay and have another drink with me, and then you can go crash in Moony's bed. It’s too late and too cold for you to go back out there again tonight. And I hate drinking alone.”

“Okay, I’m convinced,” Tonks smiled, holding out her glass for another pour and sitting back down with Sirius.


	18. Let Me Take Care of You

**February 9, 1996**

Tonks was down in the kitchen when Sirius popped his head through the doorway.

“Hey. Remus is back,” he said. “I thought you’d want to know.”

She flew up the stairs to his room, and then gasped at the sight. Lupin’s skin looked gray and sallow, a gaping wound on his left shoulder. Molly Weasley was treating his injury with potion from a bottle and a clean cloth, and Tonks wordlessly took them out of her hand and took over caring for him. Molly looked at Tonks and smiled sadly, then patted her shoulder and quietly left the room, closing the door behind her and leaving the two of them alone.

Tonks’ hands were shaking as she pressed the cloth to Lupin’s cut. “What happened out there?” Her voice caught in her throat, holding back tears. He looked worse than she could have imagined. “I thought it wasn’t so bad when you had the potion.”

“I don’t want you to see me like this,” Lupin croaked, clearly in pain as he turned away from her, his face full of shame that broke Tonks’ heart.

“I’m here. Let me take care of you,” she begged, squeezing his hand in hers.

“I don’t need taking care of,” Lupin shouted in frustration, causing Tonks to drop her hand from his and stay momentarily frozen, taken aback by his harsh tone. He finally met her worried gaze with bloodshot eyes. “Just go,” he choked out. “Please?”

“Oh, Remus,” she murmured, her face softening. She swallowed the lump in her throat and climbed into bed, curling up beside him and pulling the blankets back up around both of them. Lupin’s body was burning up with a fever. Tonks gently kissed him along the line of his jaw and wrapped her arms around his neck, holding him close, his skin hot against hers.

Lupin let out a deep, shuddering breath and clung onto to her, burying his face in her hair. She had seen him at his worst, and she didn’t run away. His body was trembling, but his heart swelled as Tonks sighed and leaned into him, pressing her lips to his cheek.

***

**February 10, 1996**

It was late morning by the time Tonks woke to find herself in Lupin’s bedroom, sunlight streaming in from the window. It was snowing outside, but she was warm under the covers with his arms wrapped around her. She turned to look back at him, relieved to see the color returning to his face.

“Morning,” she whispered, kissing him gently on the cheek.

Lupin’s eyes opened, surprised for a moment to find her in his bed. Then as last night’s events came rushing back to him, he groaned, embarrassed. “I didn’t want you to see me like that. Not yet.”

“It’s okay, love. You look better this morning,” she answered truthfully.

“I feel better,” he agreed reluctantly. “I must have had a wonderful nurse.”

Tonks rested her head on his chest, running her fingers over the tangled road map of his scars. “You were calling me ‘Dora’ in your sleep.”

“I was?” Lupin asked, looking confused.

Tonks wrinkled her nose. “My dad calls me Dora.”

“Ha, okay. Sorry, I’ll stick with Tonks when I’m conscious.”

She shrugged shyly, biting her lip. “I don’t know… I think I kind of liked it. You can try it out if you want.”

Lupin smiled back at her. “Maybe I will.”

“Are you… feeling okay?”

“Yeah. Sometimes the potion is more effective than others. Snape can’t always get the exact quantities of ingredients. Sometimes I transform into a harmless wolf and can just sleep it off. Other times it doesn’t control all the side effects, and I still get the impulse to scratch and bite. So I end up scratching and biting myself.”

“Fuck.”

“I know. Thanks for taking care of me.”

Tonks draped her leg over him and circled her hips slowly and deliberately. 

He froze. “What are you doing?”

“Mmm, I’m taking care of you,” she murmured, kissing down his neck. “You’re back and —”

“Hey, hey, we should talk about this first,” Lupin said seriously, sitting up in bed.

“That’s not much fun.”

“Maybe not. But it’s important.” He pulled her back to face him.

“Okay,” she pouted.

“Look. I really want to. But I don’t know if we can do this.”

“Wait… what?”

“I — I can’t get you pregnant. _Ever._ I’ll most likely pass on my lycanthropy to a child. It’s far too big of a risk.”

“Oh…” Tonks was quiet.

“I told you,” said Lupin. “I’m complicated. I’ll probably never be able to give you what you want. You’re going to get tired of that eventually. And I won’t blame you.”

“Stop,” she said, tracing the scar on his eyebrow with her thumb. “I love you.”

“For now,” he grimaced. “What do you want? Where do you see this going? You probably want to get married someday, have kids. I don’t see how I could ever give you that.”

“Well, I can’t get pregnant right now,” Tonks told him firmly, “so we don’t need to worry about that. It’s not the right time of the month — I’m positive,” she insisted when she saw the look of worry on his face. “I’ve been a girl for a while, I know how it works.” She raised her eyebrows at him and saw a little smile spread across his lips. “Plus,” she said slyly, “I’m very good at sex. You won’t regret it.”

Lupin’s mouth dropped open as she leaned in to kiss him. He let out a low groan as she gently bit his bottom lip. He kissed her back, softly at first, then with growing intensity as he loosened up and they melted into each other. She took off her shirt and dropped it to the floor beside the bed. “Are you sure about this?” he asked, his voice anxious.

Tonks’ face was set in a determined look. “I’ve never been more sure of anything,” she said confidently. She lifted her hips and peeled off her undergarments, and then reached for the waist of his boxers and threw them on the floor.

Lupin was shaking as he positioned himself between her legs. He could feel the heat coming off of her. He wanted nothing more than to devour her right then and there, but he his heart was pounding.

Tonks cradled his face with both of her hands. “Hey. Look at me, Remus. I love you. I want you.”

He nodded, swallowing hard. Then with her guidance, he pushed inside. Both of them gasped from the sudden sensation as her body stretched to accommodate him. “Are you okay?” Lupin asked, brushing the hair out of her face, trying to steady his breathing as he throbbed inside her.

Tonks grinned up at him. “Uh huh. God, you feel good.” She wrapped her arms around his neck. He hitched her leg up to get deeper access, and she let out a strangled whimper.

“You okay?” he asked again, pausing.

“Mmm, I’m fine. Don’t you dare stop, Remus.”

His chest felt tight as he pulled out and slammed back into her, and Tonks’ cries filled the room. Lupin grabbed his wand and quickly quieted the door with a sound-deadening charm.

“Aww come on, what’s the fun in that?” she grinned dangerously.

“Everyone’s downstairs. Even Dumbledore.”

“Ugh, fine,” she complained, and he laughed. Every thrust elicited a sexy little whimper or moan from Tonks, and Lupin concentrated on a rip in the wallpaper right above the headboard so he didn’t embarrass himself by ending their encounter prematurely. 

“Want to switch it up?” Tonks asked. She pushed him onto his back and started kissing down his chest and stomach, but then she felt his muscles stiffen, his body shaking. She sat back and looked at him closely. “You good?”

“Uh huh.” Lupin nodded, although he seemed terrified.

Her face softened and she laid down next to him on the pillow, pulling the blankets up as she turned to face him. Tonks’ eyes were wide. “I’m sorry. If I pushed things. I’m — pushy. We don’t have to do anything. Really.”

He ran his hands down her back, over the curve of her hips, pulling her closer. “No, you didn’t talk me into anything. Believe me, I want you. I’m just nervous.”

“It’s okay. You’re allowed to be nervous. I am too.”

Lupin grinned. “No you’re not.”

“I am,” she insisted with a little smile. “I just show it differently.”

Tonks kissed his neck, and could feel Lupin’s heart thudding against his ribcage. She pushed him flat on his back and climbed on top of him, slowly sinking down on his cock. His hands automatically reached back and gripped the headboard. She moaned loudly as she sat up and dropped her head back.

His eyes went wide as he watched her, completely transfixed. All of his senses were overwhelmed, like he was just along for the ride, holding on for dear life. Tonks looked down at him and grinned. “Mmm. Do you like this?”

Lupin just nodded, unable to speak, watching her curls and tits bounce.

She leaned down to whisper in his ear. “Why did we wait so long?” She kissed his neck, rocking her hips and grinding against him, the pressure steadily building for both of them. “So much wasted time.”

“Holy fuck,” Lupin murmured, leaning forward and wrapping his arms around her waist.

She started moving faster, her moans becoming irregular, more desperate.

“Oh my god,” she gasped. “Oh my god. I think I’m gonna come. Remus.”

Lupin was not quite prepared for what happened to him next. Her fingernails dug into his chest painfully at the same time as he felt her clench and pulse around him. Tonks screamed and her body sagged against him, and then he felt himself lose control. She kept circling her hips as he shuddered and groaned loudly.

After several minutes of catching their breath, Tonks sat back and looked down at him with an awed grin on her face. “Umm, wow. That was really good. Especially for our first time.”

He just looked stunned, blinking hard.

Tonks rolled off of him and laid back on the pillow. “I’ll figure out birth control, okay? So we don’t need to worry. Because I want to do _a lot_ more of that.” She tucked her head under his chin.

Lupin felt like his brain had turned to mush. “I love you, Dora,” he choked out in a shaky voice. And as soon as the words left his mouth, he was terrified by how strongly he meant them.


	19. I Can't Stay Long

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: the first scene in this chapter contains a depiction of domestic abuse. I'm trying to establish one of the story's main villains. Hang in there.

**February 13, 1996**

Lupin and Tonks were stationed outside Antonin Dolohov’s house on business for the Order, waiting to see if anyone came to visit him that night. Lupin seemed particularly on edge as they sat on the curb, back in the shadows of some trees, but with a clear view of his front porch. Dolohov’s wife had come home an hour earlier, but the man himself had not shown his face yet.

“You okay?” Tonks asked, looking at Lupin carefully.

He nodded tightly. “I have history with Dolohov.”

“Yeah, I gathered that. You want to talk about it?”

“Eh. Not really.”

“Okay.” Tonks let him sit there in silence in the cold clear night and wrapped her scarf tighter around her neck.

“I’ve come up against him in duels at least three separate times,” Lupin finally breathed aloud after several quiet moments, “but I’ve never managed to get him. He’s a sadistic asshole. And he killed both of Molly’s brothers.”

Tonks turned to look at him. “What?”

“Fabian and Gideon Prewett. They were in the first Order of the Phoenix.”

“Oh, I recognize their names. They’re Molly’s brothers? I didn’t know that. What — what happened?” She gulped.

“They were friends of mine. We were together on missions a lot. I was supposed to be with them the night they died — it was really a three man job — but it was the full moon, so they were alone.” A shadow passed over his face.

“Oh, _shit_.”

“Yeah. So it was the two of them versus five Death Eaters. They put up a good fight, but Dolohov and the others just mutilated them. If I’d have been there —”

Tonks swallowed hard as she noticed his voice crack. She squeezed his hand. 

“He’s a really fucking bad guy,” Lupin whispered.

She felt her skin crawl to see the effect just thinking about Dolohov was having on someone who’d seen as much as Lupin. Just then they saw a figure walking down the street and walk up the driveway to the house. Lupin’s hands clenched into fists.

The pair stood up and crept closer. They found a spot out of view where they could see Dolohov walk inside the house, hanging up his coat. His wife entered the hall and started talking to him, her hands on her hips. Dolohov walked past her into the other room, and she followed him, her voice getting louder. Tonks looked at Lupin nervously.

A few minutes later Dolohov and his wife returned to the front room. He seemed to be ignoring her while she berated him, obviously upset by his indifference to whatever she was talking about. Then Dolohov’s wife yelled at him, pushing him on the shoulder. He grabbed her by the hair and Lupin’s whole body tensed.

They saw Dolohov scream at the poor woman, pushing her roughly with both hands and she flew back. Tonks flinched as his wife’s head cracked audibly against the wall. She regained her balance as he punched her in the face, sending her crumpling to the floor in a heap. 

“Fuck,” Lupin cursed forcefully, his grip on his wand tightening. He looked over at Tonks to see that her eyes were shut tight.

“What can we do?” she whispered helplessly.

“Nothing,” he replied, sounding defeated. “We’re not even supposed to be here. We can’t intervene.”

Tonks covered her mouth and gasped, and Lupin pulled her close, wrapping his arms and coat around her as if he could protect her from the scene in front of them. They heard the woman yell out for help one more time, and tears were streaming down Tonks’ cheeks without her even realizing that she was crying.

Dolohov’s house was quiet after that, but Tonks was shaking, and Lupin felt like he was suffocating with rage. “ _Fuck_ ,” he repeated.

***

**February 16, 1996**

Tonks walked in to Grimmauld Place early one evening to find a quiet house. She was working too much. She’d been out gathering intelligence for the Order all morning and afternoon, and now had a few hours off before having to report back to the Ministry for an overnight shift.

She walked down to the kitchen, but no one was there. So she went upstairs to the drawing room on the first floor, and found Lupin asleep in the desk chair, slumped over a stack of papers and book.

Her face immediately softened, and she dropped her bag and coat on the chair. She was at his side, her hands on his shoulders, and pressed her lips to his cheek. “Hey. Wake up,” she whispered.

Lupin sat up with a start. “Huh? What?”

“You fell asleep. You okay?”

Lupin leaned against her and she stroked his hair. “Ugh. I’m wiped out.”

“Mmm. Poor baby. Come here.”

Tonks helped him up and took him by the hand, leading him up to his bed. He plopped down, closing his eyes, and she kneeled next to the bed. She ran her thumb over the scar on his eyebrow. 

“Sorry,” Lupin muttered. “I feel like shit.”

“I know. My poor love.” She kissed his forehead. “Don’t be sorry.”

“Come here,” he begged.

She crawled into bed next to him and he spooned her, burying his face in her neck. “I can’t stay long,” she murmured as he wrapped himself around her body. “I have to work at eight tonight.”

“Mmm,” Lupin breathed, and then fell asleep.

Tonks looked out the window at the snow outside, and relished being pressed against his warm body under the covers. She glanced at the clock. It wasn’t even quite six-thirty yet. She could close her eyes for just a few minutes.

***

Tonks blinked her eyes open over three hours later, and the first thing she did after they finally focused was glance at the clock on Lupin’s nightstand. It was almost ten o’clock.

Tonks shot up out of bed. She had never been more than five minutes late for work. She’d never even called in sick, not once. So, what were her options? She supposed could rush off to the Ministry, and make up some sort of lame excuse for being two hours late.

Or... her mind raced. She turned and looked at Lupin asleep in bed, and she felt a lump forming in her throat. She didn’t want to leave him. Curled up under the blankets in his arms was the only place she wanted to be right now.

Tonks gulped, looking out the window. She reached for her wand and sent her Patronus to the Ministry with a message: _So sorry to miss my shift, family emergency. I’ll be in as soon as I can to explain._

She climbed back into bed and Lupin stirred, pulling her tighter against his body. Tonks couldn’t believe she’d just done that. It was so unlike her, and seemed so reckless; but then she felt his warm breath on her cheek and she grinned, suddenly confident that she had made the right choice.

***

Lupin rolled over and woke up just after midnight. Tonks was still wrapped up in his arms and he smiled. But then he sat up and caught a glimpse of the clock, and shook her shoulder. “Dora. Oh shit. I’m sorry, you’re so late for work.”

Tonks blinked her eyes open. “No, no it’s okay. I — I told them I wasn’t coming.”

Lupin raised his eyebrows. “You what?”

“Mmm hmm. I wanted to stay. I’m tired.”

He pressed his lips to the spot on her neck right behind her ear and Tonks sighed. “Well I sure like that,” he murmured. “As long as you don’t get in trouble.”

She shrugged, biting her lip nervously. “Guess we’ll see. But for now, it’s midnight and we’re wide awake because we slept all afternoon,” Tonks giggled, hooking her leg over his hip.

“Mmm.” Lupin ran his fingers along her thigh and send a chill down her spine. “First though, I’m starving,” he said.

Tonks thought about it. “Yeah, actually, me too.”

Lupin kissed her on the side of the head. “I’m on it.”

He came back ten minutes later with a plate of cheese, crackers, nuts, and apple slices. 

“Oooh, good call,” Tonks grabbed a slice of cheese and took a bite.

“Come down here,” he beckoned her to sit on the floor with him. He handed her a small plate. “That way there’s no crumbs in our bed.”

Tonks raised her eyebrows and smiled as she took a spot next to him on the rug. “Did you just say _our_ bed?”

Lupin shrugged and his face flushed. “You know what I meant. Our bed, as in the bed we’re sharing tonight.”

Tonks bit her lip. “Uh huh.” She struggled to keep the grin off her face.

“Stop,” Lupin warned her.

But she leaned over and pressed her lips against his. “You love me,” she whispered, her eyes shining.

He swallowed hard and nodded. “I do,” he admitted, and he pulled her into his lap, burying his face in her neck.

***

**February 22, 1996**

“Hey.”

Lupin looked up from the drawing room desk to find a pink-haired Tonks grinning at him from the doorway. “Hey! I thought you had to work all day?”

She walked into the room, dropping her bag and coat on the chair, and stepped around the desk, and hopping up to sit on it. “I got off early. Came straight here.”

Lupin stood up and rubbed his thumb over her cheekbone. “Mmm. Well, I’m glad to see you,” he murmured, his other hand on her waist.

Tonks snaked her arms around his neck as he leaned in and kissed her. But then she put both of her hands against Lupin’s chest and pushed him back into the chair. He looked surprised as she slid off the desk, glanced into the hallway, and then closed the door. She dropped to her knees in front of him, biting her bottom lip as she slowly unzipped his pants.

“Dora. What are you doing?”

“What does it look like I’m doing?” She reached inside his underwear and pulled out his erection, swirling her tongue around the tip.

“Oh, _fuck_.”

“Mmmmm… you like that?”

“Uh huh.”

“How about this?”

“Oh my _god_ , girl.”

Lupin’s head dropped back against the chair and he groaned as Tonks expertly sucked his cock. She hummed and he gripped the arms of the chair, lifting his hips slightly as she moved up and down. And then there was a knock on the door.

Tonks sat back on her heels and looked up at him with wide eyes, gasping loudly and clamping her hand over her mouth. Lupin froze for a split second, but then pushed her head down and put a finger to his lips as he quickly zipped his pants back up. He scooted the chair in and spread out the stack of notes all over the desk.

“Come in,” he called out in a forced, casual tone.

The door opened. “Remus, how are you?” came Dumbledore’s voice.

“Fine, Albus — you?” Lupin replied evenly.

“Oh, I’m good. Can’t complain.”

Hidden underneath the desk, Tonks prayed this would be a short conversation.

“I was just stopping by to check in before heading back to Hogwarts. I won’t be able to stay for the meeting, so I was hoping you could pass a few things along for me. I wasn’t sure if you’d seen _The Quibbler_ from today?”

“Uh, no, Albus. Can’t say I have.”

“Ah. Rita Skeeter printed a scathing expose about Harry. Called him highly ‘disturbed and dangerous’ and interviewed Draco Malfoy and other students, who said some pretty damaging things. We should be sure members of the Order are keeping up with these publications, no matter how ridiculous they may seem. They do sway public opinion.”

“Yes, good point. I’ll bring it up at the meeting tonight.”

“Wonderful. I’m glad to hear it, Remus. What is it you’re working on right now?”

“Oh, just reading over notes from past meetings. Looking for any connections that I may have missed before.”

“Very diligent of you. But take a break sometime too. Relax a bit. It’s good to have some fun.” Dumbledore winked.

“Uh, yes. You’re absolutely right, Albus.”

“Well, thanks for looking at that article, Remus. I do appreciate it.”

Dumbledore started to leave the room, but paused with his hand on the doorknob. “I meant to say earlier, I’ve been very impressed with the work that you and Nymphadora have been doing together. Be sure to tell her, won't you? You know, whenever it is that you see her next.” His eyes traveled to her coat and bag left on the chair, and lingered there for a moment before shooting an amused glance back at Lupin. Then then Dumbledore walked out and closed the door behind him.

Lupin waited a moment, taking a deep shaky breath, and then pulled the chair back and looked under the desk at Tonks, his eyes wide.

“Holy shit,” she whispered, chewing her lip and grimacing.

“Holy shit,” he repeated.

“That was close.”

“Yeah, little bit.”

“Do you think he knew I was under here?”

“It’s Dumbledore. He _knew_. He was fucking with us, Dora.”

“Jesus. That’s embarrassing.”

“No kidding. Come here,” he said, reaching a hand down to her.

“You sure?” she asked mischievously, reaching for his zipper again. “I’m already down here. And I hate to think of a job left unfinished.”

“Ummm, I mean — oh, _my god_.”


	20. You're Awfully Handsy, Professor

**March 2, 1996**

They fell into a comfortable routine over the next few weeks; Tonks spent most of her nights at Grimmauld Place, sharing Lupin's small bed.

Lupin and Sirius were in the drawing room having a drink after dinner one night when Tonks walked in the door after her shift at the Ministry. “Hey guys,” she smiled, kissing Lupin on the cheek and plopping down into the empty chair.

“Hiya, Tonks,” said Sirius brightly. “Beer?”

“Mmm. Yes, please.”

“You hungry?” Lupin asked.

“Nah, I already ate. But thanks.” She grinned at Lupin, and then at Sirius as he handed her a bottle of beer. “So, what’s up?”

“We were just talking,” Lupin said. “Sirius got to chat real quick with Harry today and he gave us an update about what’s going on at Hogwarts.”

“Oh yeah? Is he okay?”

Sirius nodded. “Yeah. He’s holding his own. That Umbridge bitch needs to go. But he’s been training a group of kids in secret. They’re getting pretty good apparently.”

Tonks smiled. “Huh. Well, good for them, finding a way to fight back like that.”

Lupin finished his beer and set the empty bottle on the table.

“Need another?” Sirius asked.

Lupin looked at Tonks, who shrugged and took another drink from hers.

“Naw,” said Lupin. “I’m tired. I think I’m just gonna head upstairs.” He stood and touched Tonks’ knee, kissing her on the head. “Come up when you’re done?”

“Sure thing, love.” She smiled at him. “I won’t be long.”

“Night, Sirius.”

“Later, Remus.”

Lupin walked out of the room, and Sirius turned his attention to Tonks. “So how have you been? I feel like I haven’t seen you in a while.”

She rolled her eyes. “I know. I’ve been working a ton at the Ministry, and then jobs for the Order too. I feel like I never go home anymore. My parents are giving me a hard time. Oh, and they want to meet Remus.” She grimaced. “I haven’t told him yet.”

Sirius threw his head back and laughed. “Oh, man. I would pay good money to be there for that dinner.”

“What?” Tonks said defensively. “He’ll be great.”

Sirius grinned. “I only met your dad a handful of times, but I don’t see him taking kindly to any man who’s involved with his baby girl. He’s gonna put Remus in the hot seat, isn’t he?”

Tonks winced. “Yeah. Well, he’ll win them over.”

Sirius just smiled. “Guess we’ll see.”

Tonks took a long sip from her beer bottle and looked at Sirius. “You okay?”

He met her eyes and sighed. “I hate that I’m stuck here. I’m Harry’s fucking godfather, supposed to look out for him, but the best I can do is sneak five minute conversations with him every few months. It’s just not fair. That poor kid.”

Tonks swallowed hard. “Shit. I’m sorry. He’s got a good head on his shoulders. And Dumbledore’s there.”

He nodded. “I know.”

“He’s lucky to have you. He knows you care. Sometimes that’s all that matters.”

Sirius smiled at her. “Thanks, Tonks.”

“It’s only a few more months until summer. Then maybe he can come stay here for a stretch. I know he has to go back to his aunt and uncle’s for a bit, but —”

“Yeah, I hope so.”

Tonks sensed the tension in his voice and tried to change the subject. “Want to hear about this moron I encountered at work earlier today?”

A smile spread across Sirius’ face. “Always.”

“So this afternoon, I was assigned to trail a guy Selwyn. The objective was to try and prove that he’s involved with You Know Who and the Death Eaters. Now, a mission like that can sometimes take a month, so I wasn’t expecting to get much the first time I tailed him. But I was there for all of about five minutes before I overheard him — from two tables over, mind you — literally asking someone if they ‘knew where he could go to talk to other Death Eaters and find out what the Dark Lord was up to.’ In those exact words, in a loud voice. Like, the guy was just begging to be arrested. So I did.”

Sirius burst out laughing. “Jesus. That sure gives our side some hope about what we’re up against, huh?”

Tonks grinned at him and drained the last of her bottle. “Right? Bunch of idiots.”

Sirius gestured to her empty. “Want another beer?”

She shook her head. “Shit, I’m sorry. I wish I could stay up and hang with you, but I’m kind of wiped out.”

“No worries, I’ll be going to bed soon too. Have a good night, Tonks. Thanks for the talk, and the laugh. I needed that.”

She walked over and gave him an affectionate squeeze. “Goodnight, Sirius.”

Tonks went upstairs and slipped into the hall bathroom, closing the door behind her. She opened her bag and pulled out the gray lacy nightgown that she’d packed. She put it on and scrunched up her wavy pink hair, biting her lip as she looked at her reflection in the mirror. She applied shiny lip gloss as a finishing touch.

She walked into Lupin’s room to find him already asleep on his bed. “Hey,” she said softly. There was no reply. “Remus,” she said a little louder, shaking his leg. 

Lupin’s eyes flew open. “What? _Whoa_.”

Her cheeks flushed pink as Lupin sat straight up in bed, and she slowly turned around in a circle so he could take in the entire effect of her outfit.

He looked suddenly panicked. “Wait. What are you doing?”

Tonks plopped down in his lap and wrapped her arms tightly around his neck, pressing her forehead against his. “Come on. Please? I am so fucking horny,” she whined.

Remus’ jaw dropped and his cock twitched in his pants — both were phenomena that he had become accustomed to having happen to him when Tonks was around. “Hey. Come on. We’ve talked about this. It’s not a good idea. It’s only two days until the full moon.”

“I _know_. I can _feel_ it. You’re different at different times of the month. When you first get back, you’re tired and need to be held, and I feel like I get to bring you back to life. It’s slow and sweet. You’re shy and take your time. But then another week goes by and you start getting pushier, and I can feel your heart pounding. You grab me harder and kiss me like everything’s so urgent. It’s — exciting. I want to see what it’s like right before the full moon. We haven't done that yet, and — well, I want to try.”

“There’s a reason for that, Dora. When it’s really close to the full moon, that’s when I’ve always lost my temper, or said or did something I regret. It’s not a good idea. I don’t know how I’ll react in that type of situation when my blood’s up.”

“And that’s why I want to try,” Tonks suggested hopefully, leaning forward to kiss him. “You’re a very generous lover — and believe me, I appreciate that — but I also want to see what you’re like when you’re all riled up. I can handle it, Remus.”

“Dora, stop. We’re not doing this tonight.” Lupin pushed her away, and the expression on her face looked hurt.

“I’m a goddamn Auror. I can handle myself, even if things get — a little rough. You don’t need to worry about me,” Tonks insisted.

“But I _do_ worry about you.”

“And that’s very sweet, but a girl has needs.” She brushed her lips gently against the nape of his neck, eliciting a ragged groan from Lupin. She kissed all the way up his neck and sucked his earlobe into her mouth, biting down gently.

“Jesus, woman. Are you trying to kill me? You’re insatiable.”

She just shrugged and pulled him back onto the bed.

“ _Hey_. Dora, please. I’m not comfortable with this yet, not so close to the full moon. Can we wait until I get back? I’ll be better for you then. We need to work up to this, okay?”

“Fine,” she finally gave in, rolling her eyes and sighing loudly, but leaned forward and kissed him lightly on the cheek. “I’ll stop. For now.”

Lupin sighed with relief. “Thank you.”

Tonks curled up against him, slightly frustrated, but let out a slow breath and settled her head against his chest.

“But I love this outfit,” he said, running his fingers over the lace. “Please wear it again?”

“Sure,” she smiled.

“What’s this called anyway?”

“It’s just a nightgown, Remus.”

“Hmm. Okay. But when I hear a ‘nightgown,’ I think of what my mom used to wear, and it definitely did not look like this.”

Tonks grinned. “You never know. Maybe she had something like this and just saved it for your dad.“

“Oh my god. No. Stop.”

“Hmmm, well, I mean, they had you, so you know they fucked at least once —”

“Just stop talking, love.”

***

**March 9, 1996**

Lupin got back to Grimmauld Place early one evening a few days after the full moon, and dragged himself up to his bed, where he promptly collapsed.

Tonks arrived at the house about an hour later after her shift ended for the day at the Ministry. She headed up to Lupin’s room to put her bag down, her breath catching in her throat to see him back.

She knelt beside the bed, stroking his hair gently, and pressed a kiss to the scar above his eyebrow. Lupin’s eyes blinked open.

“Hey,” she whispered, smiling at him. “How are you?”

“I feel like shit.”

“Mmm. My poor love.” She lifted the sheets and slid in bed next to him, his body on fire. “Jesus, you’re burning up. Do you want the blankets off?”

He shook his head. “Uh uh. Leave them. I’m freezing.”

“Okay.” Tonks kissed his jaw and let him wrap his arms around her as he trembled, clinging to her tightly. An hour passed by, and they both drifted off to sleep.

***

**March 10, 1996**

Lupin woke up to find Tonks pressed up against him. He stretched and smiled, running his fingers up and down her spine.

She stirred and opened her eyes. “Mmm, happy birthday,” she murmured sleepily. 

“Is it my birthday?” Lupin asked, gently rubbing the small of her back.

Tonks nodded and grinned. “Uh huh.”

“Hmm. I didn’t even realize. Getting old isn’t so bad then. Last year I got a cake. This year I get you.”

She kissed his jawline. “You know, you probably could have had me last year too, if you wanted. You just didn't know how to take a hint.”

Lupin rolled his eyes and smiled at her.

“How are you feeling?” Tonks asked, concern in her eyes. “You were in bad shape last night.”

“I’m a little better today. Thanks, love.”

“You hungry?”

“Starving,” he replied.

“Okay. I’m going to make you some food. I’ll be right back.”

When she returned with burnt toast and runny scrambled eggs, he happily lied and told her it was the best breakfast he had ever had.

Tonks took the plate and put it on his desk, climbing back in bed with him. She grinned. “You need to get up right now? Or do you have time?”

Lupin glanced at his clock. “I have a little time. You?”

“I need to leave for work in an hour.” She kissed him, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him closer.

He slid his hand up her leg and moved aside her panties. “Fucking finally,” whined Tonks. “I missed you.”

Lupin laughed. He pushed one finger inside her, and she let out a little moan. “Now we’re talking,” Tonks whispered in a raspy voice that made Lupin’s cock twitch. As if reading his mind, she reached for his belt buckle.

“Wait,” he said, grabbing her hand. She looked confused for a moment until he started kissing down her chest and stomach, stopping to remove her panties and tossing them to the floor next to his bed.

“Mmm, I like where this is heading,” she grinned.

Lupin settled between her legs, using his tongue to tease her and make her scream. She bucked up her hips against his face as she moaned. It took almost no time at all for him to bring her to the brink. Tonks shrieked and grabbed a fistful of the blankets, and then finally pushed his face away, hissing that it was too much.

She let out a breathy sigh and lay back on the pillow. “Wow, you’re good at that. Oh my god.” She smiled, her eyes still closed.

“Yeah?” Lupin asked uncertainly.

“Yeah. Come here,” she grinned, unzipping his pants and yanking them down.

He nudged her legs apart with his knee and grabbed her hips, pulling her toward him. Tonks giggled, but then gasped loudly as he sunk into her, her eyes going wide and her mouth dropping open.

“Oh, it’s not so funny anymore, huh?” Lupin murmured with a smirk, pulling out and plunging all the way back inside as he bent down to kiss her neck.

She moaned and wrapped her arms around him, lifting her hips off the mattress to meet his thrusts. The boxspring squeaked loudly, the headboard slamming against the wall, and Tonks screamed out his name.

When they were done, they lay panting in bed, and he ran his fingers all over her body, touching her everywhere.

“All those little gasps and sighs and moans you make — I’ve never heard anything sexier in my life,” Lupin murmured, his hands cupping her ass.

“You’re awfully handsy, Professor,” Tonks teased. “I would never have guessed when I first met you. You seemed so quiet and reserved.”

“Well, it turns out that when there’s a beautiful young naked witch in my bed, I have a hard time behaving myself.”

“Hmmm, I see. Would this apply to any beautiful young naked witch in your bed?” she asked, pretending to pout.

Lupin laughed. “If it ever happens to me again, I’ll be sure to let you know.”

Tonks grinned at him. “Happy birthday, Remus.”

***

A little later, Tonks ran out the door for work, and Lupin went into the drawing room, where Sirius reading a book in his usual chair.

Sirius raised his eyebrows. “Good morning,” he said with a strange but slightly amused expression on his face.

“Good morning,” said Lupin, pouring himself a cup of coffee from the pot and sitting across from Sirius in one of the other chairs.

“Although I don’t think mine’s been _nearly_ as good as yours.”

“Huh?”

“You know, you two had been doing a good job being discreet up until now, especially in this crowded old house. But Jesus fucking Christ, I live here too, Remus. That was just obscene.”

Lupin’s eyes widened. “Oh, shit.”

“Yeah. Damn, man. That girl is _loud_. You know, you can charm the door and I won’t have to listen to you banging my little cousin while I’m trying to enjoy my morning coffee.”

“Usually do,” Lupin mumbled. “Sorry.”

“I mean, on one hand, you ruined my appetite for breakfast. But on the other hand... I don’t know.” Sirius shrugged and rolled his eyes. “Good for you.”

Lupin bit his bottom lip, struggling to keep the smile off his face.

“I guess that explains the shit-eating grin you’ve been wearing the past few weeks, huh? Look, I’m glad you two are having fun together, but please, for the love of god, just keep it down in the future.”

Lupin nodded. “Will do. I’m sorry. Umm — do me a favor and don’t mention this to Tonks? She’d be absolutely mortified if she knew you heard us.”

“ _Mention_ this to Tonks? Ha, don’t worry about that. I’m not going to be able to _look_ her in the eye for a week.” Sirius shook his head and grimaced. “I guess you must be doing something right between the sheets, friend, but I’m definitely going to need someone to Obliviate those sounds from my mind so it’s not the first thing I think of when I see her next.”

Lupin snorted. “You know, maybe you can just think of it as me finally paying you back for having to share a dorm with you at Hogwarts. How many times did you make me sleep in the common room when you had a girl up there? Or how about when I walked in and — oh, shit, what was her name? Jenny or something, right? — anyway, I opened the door like an idiot, and she was —”

“Alright, alright,” Sirius said, cutting him off, shaking his head and laughing. “Fine, we’re even. Now, does Tonks have any friends for me?”

Lupin grinned. “I’ll ask.”

“Anyway, I’m going to need your help today. I’ve gotta go through all these old family relics for Dumbledore. Meet me upstairs in twenty minutes?”

“Sure. I’m going to grab a shower first.”

“Good.” Sirius rolled his eyes. “You stink like sex, you asshole.”


	21. Meet the Parents

**March 25, 1996**

Tonks looked at Lupin nervously in bed one night, running her fingers gently over the scars on his chest. “Hey. Remus. Will you come with me to have dinner with me and my parents some night next week?”

Lupin gulped and sat up a little bit. “What?”

She took a deep breath. “Well, I mean, they’ve noticed that I’m coming home less and less. My mom guessed that I was seeing someone, and I finally told them about you. They want to meet you.”

“Oh. Uh —”

“Come on. It will be fine. They’re gonna like you.” Tonks smiled at him hopefully.

“Well, okay. If you want me to,” he said uncertainly.She kissed him on the cheek, wrapping her arms around his shoulders.

“Thank you, love. It will be okay. I promise.”

***

Three nights later, Tonks and Lupin walked up the drive to a small, one-story home on a large plot of land. A fair-haired, big-bellied man was kneeling next to the flower bed by the front door, digging in the tired dirt and planting new bulbs.

“Hi Dad.”

The man turned around and his face broke into a wide smile. “Dora, my love, how are you?”

She hugged her dad and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “I’m good. Dad, I want you to meet Remus Lupin. Remus, this is my dad, Ted Tonks.”

Ted looked Lupin over for a moment, studying him closely. “Remus Lupin. Yes, I know you by reputation. Dumbledore speaks highly of you.”

“Well thank you, that’s very kind of you to say. It’s a pleasure to meet you, sir.”

Ted Tonks nodded. He kept his eyes on Lupin for another beat and then looked to his daughter, who reached for Lupin’s hand and laced her fingers through his.

“Where did you two meet?” Ted asked, his jaw tight.

“I already told you this, Dad. We work together. For the Order. Remus is one of the founding members from the first war, so I’ve learned a lot from him.”

“Uh huh.” Ted’s inquisitive gaze started to make Lupin feel uncomfortable.

“Where’s Mom?”

“She’s inside. She’ll be along in a minute — I know she’s anxious to meet your guest. So, how old are you, Remus?”

“Uh, I’m thirty-seven, sir.”

“And you do know that my Dora is only twenty-three, I assume?”

“Dad —” Tonks started, but Ted held his hand up to quiet her.

“Yes, sir,” Lupin replied, feeling guilty as he looked Ted Tonks in the eye.

“And do you have a habit of dating women who are fourteen years younger than you?”

“ _Dad_!”

“Actually, Ted, I don’t have a habit of dating. Period. Your daughter has proven to be my exception to the rule.”

“Dad, please,” Tonks begged. “Be nice. Please don’t make me regret coming here. We’re going inside to say hi to Mom.”

She pulled Lupin along with her as they walked toward the house. “I’m sorry about my dad. He takes a minute to warm up.”

Lupin gulped. “Uh, I’m pretty sure that man wants to fucking kill me.”

“Mom?” Tonks called, opening the front door. 

“Oh honey, it’s so good to see you!” A woman with pale skin and wild curly brown hair ran forward to hug Tonks. The similarities to Bellatrix were shocking, but unlike her sister, the smile on Andromeda's face reached all the way up to her eyes.

“Mom,” Tonks turned to him, beaming, “this is Remus.”

Andromeda took his hand in hers and greeted him warmly. “Remus, welcome to our home. It’s so nice to meet you. I’m glad you could join us.”

“It’s very nice to finally meet you. I’ve heard so many wonderful things.”

“Sweetheart, why don’t you go grab that bottle of wine I put out in the kitchen and we can open it? Remus, can you get four glasses from that top shelf up there? You’re so nice and tall,” she nudged her daughter and winked at her, and the two women giggled.

Before too long, the four of them were sitting down to a dinner of spicy Korean barbecue beef with vegetables and rice.

“This food is delicious, Mom. I love your cooking.”

Lupin felt Ted’s eyes on him and shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

“So Remus, Dora told us about your _condition_.”

“Ted,” warned Andromeda, putting her hand on his arm.

“What? Just trying to get to know Dora’s new friend.”

Lupin swallowed his food and took a sip of wine. “It’s okay. Yes, I was bitten as a child. My parents did everything they could to find a cure, but were unsuccessful. They did their best to keep me safe and try to provide a normal life for me, but it was… difficult.”

“So how exactly does that work?” Ted asked. “You being a werewolf and dating my daughter?”

“Dad!” Tonks coughed. “Please!”

Andromeda cleared her throat. “Everyone needs to settle down. No talking for a full minute. Take some deep breaths.”

Tonks bit her lip and reached for Lupin’s hand.

“Okay,” Andromeda said slowly after an uncomfortable silence. “This is not a productive way to get to know each other,” she said, looking pointedly at her husband. “And we need to remember that we don’t hold any prejudices in this house. Right, Ted?”

Lupin took a deep breath and cleared his throat. “Can I say something?”

“Of course, Remus, please,” Andromeda said with a smile.

“I’ve known your daughter for over a year now. At first we just worked together. She’s a very brave and talented witch. I knew whenever we were paired together for a mission that I was in capable hands. She impressed me and made me laugh, and we grew closer over time. Dora learned the truth about my condition, and she accepted me without judgement. Your daughter had a very open heart.”

Andromeda smiled and nodded, and Ted looked like he agreed with that last statement, despite himself.

“At some point, we fell in love. I didn’t plan on it, and it took me completely by surprise. Because of what I am, I never thought I’d be with anyone. Your daughter —” His voice cracked as he looked at Tonks beside him, whose eyes were shining. She squeezed his hand. “ — is remarkable.” Lupin finished. “She lights up the whole room just by walking into it. But I don’t need to tell you that. You raised her.”

Lupin looked Ted Tonks in the eye as he said the last part.

“I’ve spent the majority of my adult life alone. I’ve never had a companion. My life will always be complicated, and there’s still a lot for us to navigate. But Dora has stubbornly assured me that she does not give up easily. And I’ve seen that firsthand, so I’m trying to trust that we can find a way.”

Andromeda stood up and walked over to her daughter, hugging her, and kissed Lupin on the cheek. Ted grumbled to himself, but seemed considerably less hostile for the rest of the meal. He even begrudgingly shook Lupin’s hand at the end of the night.

“Bye Dad,” Tonks said, hugging him. “I love you.”

“Love you too, Dora. Take care of yourself.”

“It was lovely to meet you, Remus,” Andromeda said, taking his hand. “Please come back soon.” He kissed her cheek and thanked her for dinner.


	22. Don't Go Making Promises You Can't Keep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: mention of past sexual assault
> 
> When revisiting Harry Potter recently, I found myself thinking more about what the adults would have faced, since we don't get a ton of that in the books. There's a line in Deathly Hallows at the Tonks' family home where Ted mentions that Dora has been through "a lot" in her job as an Auror. This made me wonder about what kind of work she might be doing, and I concluded that the Ministry might have exploited her Metamorphmagus abilities, putting her in some dangerous situations as a result.
> 
> Other plot choices were made to establish how Lupin's demeanor is affected when it's close to the full moon, and to develop the Sirius/Tonks friendship a little more. Just trying to explain my thinking. This is not a happy chapter, but I'm trying to remember that these people are on the front lines in a war.

**April 1, 1996**

Tonks got off her shift from the Ministry in the afternoon and headed straight to Grimmauld Place, finding Lupin up in his room. She closed the door behind her and pushed him onto his bed.

“Oof. Geez, Dora. Give an old man a break, huh?”

She took her shirt off and dropped it to the floor, but as she went to unclasp her bra, he stopped her. “Hey, the full moon’s in two days. What are you doing?”

She bit her lip. “Come on, Remus. I _want_ you.”

His eyes narrowed. “We’ve talked about this. More than once. It’s a bad idea.”

She shrugged. “I want to see what it’s like. And I don’t give up easily, so you might as well just surrender now.”

Lupin sighed. “No.”

“You’re really going to say no to this?” She hiked up her skirt and straddled his lap, leaning forward to kiss his neck.

Lupin groaned. “Stop it.”

“I can handle myself,” she insisted. “I love you… _all_ of you.”

“Sorry, no. It’s dangerous. Please, let’s wait until after the full moon. I’ll be better for you. I’ll be myself again.”

“But this is you too!” Tonks insisted. 

He shook his head. “This is a part of me that I can’t always control. It makes me uncomfortable just thinking about it. Look, maybe we can try some other time. Let’s work up to it. But we’re not ready.”

“Well _I’m_ ready! I mean it. I'm not some fragile china doll. Why do I have a boyfriend who won’t _fuck_ me?” Tonks screamed in frustration.

“Shhh keep it down,” he hissed at her. “We don’t need everyone in this house knowing our business.” 

“How am I supposed to react? You don’t want me,” she accused.

Lupin laughed, but not unkindly. “I assure you, nothing could be farther from the truth. But I want to be sure everything we do is good for you too. And this close to the full moon — I worry I’ll lose control and you won’t be able to stop me. You could get hurt.”

“And I’m standing here telling you that I want it anyway,” she whined.

He twisted her arm behind her back and got right in her face. Tonks’ eyes went wide. “Stop it,” he snapped harshly. “You’re embarrassing yourself.”

Then he let go of her suddenly and she stumbled, taken aback by the sudden change in his demeanor. Her hair flashed red and she shoved him hard with both hands. “What the fuck, Remus? You don’t need to be such a dick about it.”

“Don’t push my buttons, girl,” Lupin growled. “I’m not willing to negotiate this. End of discussion,” he said firmly.

“Ugh!” Tonks scowled. “Why do you always think you know best? It’s fine. You think you’re going to hurt me by getting a little aggressive in bed? I guarantee you, I’ve dealt with _plenty_ worse on the job. I can handle it.”

His eyes hardened. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“That you can’t scare me.”

“No… the job part? What did you mean?” 

Tonks went suddenly quiet. “Forget it.”

Lupin got to his feet, a cold, intense look on his face, and grabbed Tonks roughly by the arm. “What did you mean by that?” he repeated in a tone that frightened her.

She pulled away from him angrily. “Don’t be naive, Remus. I can change my appearance. I can pretend to be anyone I want to get information from people.”

“What kind of people? What kind of information?” Lupin asked breathlessly, his eyes narrowing.

“You-Know-Who’s supporters, obviously! Who else would I get information from? You’re smart, put it together.”

“I’m missing something.”

“Jesus. I really have to spell it out for you, huh? The Ministry used to send me on dates with Death Eaters. I made them talk. Turns out some of them are assholes who get off on hurting women. Shocking, I know.”

“What do you mean?” he asked, incredulous. “How did they hurt you?”

“How do you _think?_ ” she threw back at him.

He felt his body temperature rising as the weight of her words registered. He looked at Tonks with horror on his face, imagining other hands that had touched her before — enemies’ hands, no less — and his fingers clenched into fists.

“It’s part of the job,” she offered quietly.

Lupin shook his head, the grimace still lingering on his face. “No, it’s not. It shouldn’t be. They shouldn’t use you like that.”

“This is war, Remus. You of all people should know. The normal rules don’t apply. We need to use all of our best assets to help our side, and —”

“And _your_ best asset is _fucking_ Death Eaters for information?” he spat out at her.

Tonks inhaled sharply and her face went white, an instant look of hurt on her face. She reeled back and slapped Lupin as hard as she could across his cheek. Something wild flashed behind his eyes for a split second, but then it vanished.

She stared him down defiantly, her chin jutting out. “You don’t get to talk to me like that.” There was a sudden coldness in her tone.

Lupin looked at the ground. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I shouldn't have said that.”

“No,” she choked out, her eyes shining. “You shouldn’t have.” She grabbed her shirt from the floor and walked out of his room, slamming the door shut.

***

**April 4, 1996**

Lupin didn’t see Tonks again before he had to leave town for the full moon. He hated the way they had left things, and felt completely unsure about to fix it.

She finally came back to Grimmauld Place the day after the full moon, when she knew he would be gone. She walked upstairs to the drawing room and flopped in her usual chair across from Sirius. “Hey.”

“Hiya, Tonks. How’s it going?”

“Meh.”

“Ah. I’ve been there. How’s work?”

“Boring.”

“How are things with Remus?”

“I think we broke up.”

“Wait... what?!”

“Well, we had a big fight. It didn’t end well. And then I didn’t say goodbye before he left town.”

“You had a fight right before the full moon? I’m not surprised to hear that at all. His temper can get the best of him when it’s close. What was it about? If you don’t mind my asking?”

Tonks flushed. “Umm, it’s pretty personal. I’d — rather not say.”

“Gotcha.”

“He’s a bit of a control freak.”

Sirius laughed. “Look, Remus is far from perfect. But I’m guessing whatever he did, it was with the best of intentions. He doesn’t always communicate well, especially when his temper flares up. You’re both very stubborn, Tonks. You have to compromise. But you’ll figure it out.”

“I don’t know,” Tonks said, shaking her head. “I don’t think he — he won’t want me anymore after what he found out.” A big, fat teardrop rolled down her cheek and fell into her lap.

Sirius’ face softened. “Hey,” he said, getting up from his chair and moving to kneel in front of her. “Are you okay?”

She shook her head more, her whole body suddenly shaking with sobs. Sirius wrapped his arms around her and let her lean into him as she cried and cried.

Several minutes later, Tonks quieted, her body sagging against Sirius, who was patiently sitting there, stroking her hair. “It’s okay,” he whispered. “You’re okay.”

She nodded, sniffling. “Oh my god, how embarrassing, I completely ruined your shirt with all my tears and snot and —” 

Sirius laughed. “You’re fine, Tonks. What’s going on? I want to help, if I can.”

She sat back and wiped her face. She took a big, shuddering deep breath and looked him in the eye, not quite sure where to begin.

“Want a drink?” Sirius asked.

“Oh _god_ , yes please,” said Tonks.

He got up and came back with a bottle of beer for each of them. She took a long swig from hers, and Sirius settled back into his chair, balancing the bottle on his knee. “You don’t have to tell me anything. I won’t pry. But I’m here to listen if you want.”

Tonks took a deep breath and nodded. “I do want to talk about it. I just need a minute to get up the nerve.”

“Take all the time you need. I’ve got nowhere to be.” Sirius gave her a warm smile, and they sat in silence for several minutes before she finally opened her mouth to speak.

“So I had this job for the Ministry that went sideways, a little over a year ago, and it really spooked me.”

“Around the time you started boxing?” Sirius supplied.

“Exactly,” Tonks nodded. She swallowed hard. And then she told him everything. About the work she’d been doing, what had happened that night, and why she’d asked to not go undercover for the Ministry anymore.

“Jesus fucking Christ.” Sirius covered his face with his hands. “Tonks, have you ever talked to anyone else? About what happened? It’s not good to keep all that locked up.”

“Yeah. I’ve talked with Molly about it. Kind of a lot.”

“That’s good. I’m so sorry, Tonks. Oh my god. No wonder you wanted to be able to defend yourself. It all makes sense now.”

Tonks nodded silently, looking at the floor.

“You’re really brave to still be going on jobs after that — joining the Order and everything. You can’t blame yourself for what happened. It’s _not_ your fault.”

She nodded. “I know. Thanks, Sirius.”

“Let Remus blow off some steam during the full moon. I’m guessing this is going to be a rough one for him.”

Tonks swallowed. “I hate to ask you to get involved— but when he gets back, would you maybe talk to him? I hate the way we left things.”

“Yeah, I’ll talk to him, Tonks. It’ll be okay.” Sirius pulled her close for another hug and kissed the top of her head affectionately.

***

**April 8, 1996**

Lupin returned late one night after the full moon. He walked back through the front door of Grimmauld Place, hanging his head, already dreading facing Tonks after their fight.

He trudged upstairs and walked into the drawing room, where Sirius was sitting in his chair, reading a book and sipping on whiskey.

Sirius heard his footsteps in the hallway and looked up. “Hey. You look like shit.”

“Thanks, asshole.” Lupin grumbled. “I’m heading upstairs.”

“Got a minute to talk first?”

“About what?” he asked suspiciously. 

“About Tonks.”

“Fuck, Sirius. I’m just getting back into town.”

“Okay. Never mind. We’ll talk later.” Sirius turned back to his book.

Lupin hesitated in the doorway. “Why? What did she tell you?”

“Come sit down. I’ll pour you a drink.”

Lupin begrudgingly collapsed in the chair across from Sirius, and accepted the glass of whiskey he’d been poured. “So?”

“Well, she said you guys were fighting, and —” 

Lupin’s eyes narrowed. “Hold on a second. How much did she tell you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Did she tell you what the fight was about?”

“No. She specifically would _not_ tell me what your fight was about.”

“Oh. Okay.” Lupin seemed relieved.

“But now I _really_ want to know,” grinned Sirius, raising his eyebrows mischievously.

“Shut up, Sirius.”

“It sounds like you said some shitty stuff to her, huh?”

Lupin looked devastated. “You know how I am that close to a full moon. It brings out the worst in me. I can’t always control it.”

“I know. But you need to tell her you're sorry, and soon. She was a mess after your screaming match, not that I blame her.”

“Did she tell you what I actually said?”

“She did,” Sirius replied solemnly.

“ _Fuck_.”

“Yeah.”

“Think she’ll forgive me?”

“That was — awful. You can’t say shit like that, no matter how much the moon sets off your temper. But right now she also needs reassurance that you don’t think less of her. That girl’s a survivor. She’s fucking brave.”

Lupin looked down at his hands.

“You need to let her explain and listen calmly, Remus — you know, when you’re not fighting about whatever obviously kinky, sex-related thing neither of you wants me to know about.” He grinned, and Lupin rolled his eyes.

“Look, Sirius. Did she tell you — what happened to her? I flipped out and ruined everything, and then the conversation just ended. I’m feel like I’m angry without even knowing what exactly I’m angry about.”

“You need to talk to her. I don’t think it’s my place to say anything about that.”

“Come on. She tells you more than she tells me!”

“Show her you’re ready to listen and that'll change.”

“I’m _begging_ you. Tell me, or I feel like I’ll end up putting my fist through the wall if she has to say the words and I’ll screw everything up even more.”

Sirius sighed. “Fuck. Okay. This isn’t going to be easy. For me to say, or for you to hear.”

Something twitched in Lupin’s jaw, but he nodded at his friend.

“Alright. The Ministry sent her on a series of undercover jobs to target suspected Death Eaters. The goal was to put as many of them away as possible, and they learned that a lot of those guys talk when they’re trying to impress a date, or when they’re with a — um — well, you know —”

Lupin looked confused. “No. What?”

Sirius looked uncomfortable. “Aww fuck, Lupin. You’re gonna make me say it? A lot of those guys like to pick up prostitutes.”

Shutting his eyes tightly, Lupin groaned.

“She had a bunch of missions in a row that were successful. And she didn’t really have to do anything with them, Lupin... just kind of make them think that she would...”

“Yeah. Still not a big fan of this whole plan.”

“I understand. But she’s smart. She got the information by using Veritaserum or by stunning them, and then she was able to wipe their memories and get out unscathed. Remember all those arrests the Ministry seemed to be getting about a year ago? All of a sudden they could prove all these people were Death Eaters and they got sentenced to Azkaban? Most of that was her. But then one of her assignments went bad.”

Sirius paused, taking a long sip from his drink. Lupin couldn’t breathe. He clutched the arms of his chair, his knuckles white. “Somehow the guy disarmed her and forced her upstairs into one of the rooms above the bar. She tried to fight him, but without her wand, he —” Sirius hung his head and trailed off, but the meaning of his silence was painfully clear.

Lupin’s hands clenched into fists. “ _Fuck_!” he screamed, getting up from his chair and walking over to the window. He leaned his head against the glass, trying to compose himself as bile rose in the back of his throat.

Sirius swallowed hard and was quiet for several moments, giving his friend space to grieve.

“Jesus Christ, Sirius. I knew the Ministry was cutting corners, but this? Where the fuck was her backup? Her target took her to a goddamn second location and no one was there to stop him? How could they let his happen?” Lupin looked broken as he sagged against the window frame.

“I don’t know,” Sirius said quietly. “I’ve felt sick to my stomach about it since she told me. I’m so sorry, Remus.”

Lupin closed his eyes. “Did she say when this was?”

“A little over a year ago. Looking back, a lot of things make sense. She was real jumpy for a while.”

“The boxing…” He nodded with new understanding. “Oh my god, and what I said to her.” Lupin buried his face in his hands.

“Go talk to her, Remus. It’s not too late. You need to fix this.”

***

**April 9, 1996**

Lupin was sitting on the main staircase of Grimmauld Place when Tonks opened the front door after work the next night. 

“Dora,” he breathed, standing up. She just looked at him, her eyes full of anguish, and then cast them back down to the ground.Lupin stepped forward and pulled her close against him. She clutched the front of his sweater with her fists. “I’m sorry,” he murmured against her head. “I’m such an idiot and I said horrible things. I got so angry thinking about someone hurting you and I didn’t react well, and I was terrible to you. I’m so ashamed.”

“Did you talk to Sirius?”

Lupin nodded.

“So… how much did he tell you?”

“He told me everything,” Lupin said quietly, and he felt Tonks’ shoulders tense. His heart broke. “Please don’t be mad at Sirius. I made him tell me.”

Tonks nodded and blinked, a tear spilling down her face.

“Love, I’m so sorry for what I said. It was so out of line. I just kind of saw red when I thought about —” he trailed off and shook his head. “You’re brave and strong, and you’re a hell of a capable witch. There's no one I’d rather have by my side on a job. I trust you with my life.”

“I should have told you sooner, so it didn’t come out like that,” she whispered, not meeting his eyes. “I just — I really didn’t talk to anyone about it. Besides Molly. And now you and Sirius.”

“Hey,” Lupin said, his thumb brushing a tear away from her cheek. “You don’t owe me an explanation.”

Tonks nodded and pressed her face against his shirt. He held her close, just running his fingers through her hair.

“Do you have to work tonight?” he asked.

“No,” she said. “I came here to see you.”

“Want to stay over?”

She nodded. “If you want me to.”

“I always want you to stay. You hungry?”

“Not really.”

“Okay. Want a drink? Or want to just go to sleep?”

“Probably just sleep.”

They walked upstairs to his bedroom, his arm around her shoulders as she leaned into him. He turned on the lamp and closed the door behind them. Tonks took off her jacket and set it on the chair, then wrapped her arms around Lupin’s neck and pressed her lips to his. He pulled her back with him onto the bed and she curled up against him, resting her head on his chest.

“Please forgive me,” Lupin choked out after several long, quiet moments. “I’m still so horrified that I said those awful things to you. That — that wasn’t me.”

She kissed his jawline. “I forgive you.”

“I love you, Dora. I won’t let anyone else hurt you ever again.”

“You know I love you, Remus. But don’t go making promises you can’t keep.”


	23. I Could Get Used to This

**April 10, 1996**

Tonks woke up the next morning to Lupin kissing the curve of her collarbone.

“Mmmm,” she whispered in response. “Morning.”

“Good morning,” replied Lupin matter-of-factly, making his way up her neck, his lips sending chills down her spine.

“I could get used to this,” she murmured in his ear.

“Me too.” Lupin smiled, a warm, genuine happiness filling him — he realized, maybe for the first time ever?

Her hands reached inside the waistband of his boxers and found his erection. He let out a sharp intake of breath as she wrapped her small hand around it. “Someone’s glad to see me.”

“Very,” he agreed, his breathing heavy as he kissed her.

Tonks yanked down his underwear and pushed him flat onto his back. She discarded her own clothes and then straddled him, biting her lip as she sank down completely on his cock, and let out a low, breathy moan.

“Fuck,” Lupin gasped as she tightened around him.

“I know, right?” Tonks grinned and found a rhythm, letting out a loud whimper with each roll of her hips, the headboard hitting the wall.

“We’re going to wake everyone else up if we don’t magic this entire room, Dora. Being quiet is not your strong suit.”

“Hey, to be fair you also have a very squeaky bed.” She grabbed her wand. “Is there any way to just make that charm permanent? I took Divination for four years, and I see a lot of screwing in our future.” She winked and he just laughed.

When they finished, Tonks was lay sprawled across his chest. “You want to go make us some coffee?” she asked, raising her eyebrows hopefully.

“I can do that.” Lupin kissed her, then got out of bed and put on some clothes.

“Do you have to be in any of those meetings downstairs today?” she asked him.

“I’ll check. But I think I’m off the hook. Do you have to be at the Ministry?”

She shook her head and grinned.

They spent the whole day in bed, the curtains remaining tightly shut to keep out the sunlight that would have been streaming through by midday. Members of the Order came and went, meeting downstairs as usual, but Lupin and Tonks thought only of each other. Hours went by without much care from either of them — time spent kissing, touching, napping, and talking.

They might have spent the rest of the night there too if not for Tonks’ stomach growling loudly. Lupin laughed and glanced at the clock beside his bed. “The day’s almost gone and we’ve had nothing to eat. Why don’t I make us some food?”

“Please,” she grinned at him. “I’m starving.”

Lupin picked up the folded piece of paper that had been shoved under the bedroom door and opened it curiously. He studied it for a moment, then smiled and rolled his eyes before passing the note to Tonks, who burst out laughing when she read it.

> _Moony,_
> 
> _Meetings are done until tonight, so I figured I’d take the dog for a walk and give you two some space. You’re welcome._
> 
> _Assuming that you decide to come up for air at some point, you’ve got the house to yourselves until about eight o’clock when everyone starts showing up for the meeting._
> 
> _Enjoy, but stay the fuck out of my room. I mean it._
> 
> _Padfoot  
>  P.S. Hi, Tonks!_

Lupin got up and pulled on a pair of pants and his sweater from the chair by his desk. Tonks was still naked under the sheets. “You getting up?”

“In a minute. So comfortable.”

He rolled his eyes at her, leaning forward to kiss her on the forehead. “Okay. I’ll be down in the kitchen figuring out what to make. Come down when you’re ready? I’ll see if I can find some wine.”

“Mmm. That sounds amazing.”

About ten minutes later, Tonks walked into the kitchen wearing Lupin’s crumpled button-down shirt, her hair still a wild mess and her bright red panties sticking out from underneath the shirt. Lupin had an apron tied over his clothes and stood at the counter, using a large knife to carefully slice onions and garlic. He raised an eyebrow at her choice of attire.

“What?” She grinned mischievously and stood on her tiptoes to kiss him. “Sirius’ note said we had the place to ourselves. Mmmm, smells amazing already. But can’t you use magic for that?” Tonks asked.

“Sure, but cooking relaxes me. And I’m trying to impress you.” He winked.

Tonks grinned and stood on her toes to kiss his lips before hopping up to sit on the counter. He handed her a glass of red wine, his eyes traveled up and down her body longingly.

“You are going to have to put some more clothes on pretty soon, I’m afraid to say. Although I am very much enjoying you in this shirt. Damn, girl.” He tugged the oversized garment off her shoulder, planting a kiss on her neck. “But people will start showing up before too long, and as much as Molly has wanted us to get together, I’m not sure that she would appreciate you walking around headquarters looking — well, frankly looking like you’ve been lying around getting fucked all day.”

She laughed, reaching out to grab his sweater to pull him toward her. “Well, since I have been lying around getting fucked all day, I think it’s fair to say that Molly would blame you equally for my disheveled appearance.”

“Hmmm, you’re probably right about that.”

Tonks wrapped her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck, and he ran his hands up and down her bare thighs.

“Hey, I thought we had decided that we were going to take a break so that I could feed you… remember? I can’t cook if you keep distracting me,” Lupin murmured.

She shrugged and bit her lip. “I’m suddenly not so hungry anymore.”

He swept her pink hair out of her face with his hand, gathering it in one fist. “You know, I never planned on you. Sometimes this still doesn’t feel real.”

“I’m real,” she whispered.

“Thank god.” Lupin leaned in to kiss her.

“You know, we should think about getting our own place,” Tonks suggested after he pulled back, tilting her head to look up at him.

“Oh yeah?” he asked slowly, something twitching in his throat. He had never thought about someone else sharing his life, let alone his living space.

“Mmm hmm,” she nodded confidently. “Then we could do this whenever we wanted without worrying about other people being around.”

“I don’t have any money,” he reminded her.

“I have some,” she continued. “And it doesn’t need to be anything fancy. A little place somewhere. Someplace just for us. We wouldn’t have to be quiet anymore,” she grinned.

“I’ll think about it,” Lupin said, but instinctively felt like this was a conversation that would end badly.

“Okay… I’m going to go put some more clothes on,” she said with an eye roll and a kiss before hopping off the counter.Lupin grabbed her arm and pulled her back for one more long, lingering kiss. 

“It is a shame,” he grinned, his hands cupping her ass.

Just then, they heard voices by the front door and her eyes went huge, dashing out of the room as quickly as she could, darting up the stairs just before they caught a glimpse of her bright red underwear.

Several minutes later, Dumbledore, McGonagall, Sirius, Hagrid, Molly, Kingsley, and Moody, all talking among themselves animatedly, walked into the kitchen to find Lupin mashing potatoes at the stove. Two candles were lit on the table, a bottle of wine and two glasses sitting between them.

“Wow, smells delicious,” commented McGonagall, raising her eyebrows. “Cooking for us, Remus?”

He smiled. “Hi everyone. I apologize that there isn’t enough for all of you, but —”

Tonks bounded into the room wearing a white sweater and jeans. Her pink hair was once again neatly brushed, her pale face scrubbed clean. “Oh... hi,” she said, casting her eyes to the ground, mortified to see all of them looking at her, and then back to Lupin, the comprehension dawning on their faces.

“Hiya, Tonks,” said Sirius brightly.

Dumbledore spoke. “You are both welcome to join us for this meeting… or not. That’s up to you. We could fill you in later, if you’d prefer to take your dinner into another room. But unfortunately we’ll be needing this one.” He gestured around the kitchen, looking apologetic.

“No worry,” said Lupin. “We’ll go upstairs.”

“Remus,” said Dumbledore, “there is something I will need to discuss with you, if you have a moment later?”

“Of course, Albus — I’ll come find you. Dora, if you’d grab the wine?”

Tonks’ face reddened, grabbing the half empty bottle and their two glasses. “Um, bye, everyone,” she mumbled, and followed him out of the room.

“Oh my,” Minerva commented, smiling. “I had no idea. That’s adorable.”

Lupin led her into the drawing room, and set the plates on the mantle. He pointed his wand at two pillows from the couch and they landed at his feet. “Come here.” She walked toward him and he took the wine bottle from her hand, topping off their glasses. “Eat,” he gestured. “Before it gets cold.”

They sat by the fireplace, which he lit with his wand. Tonks took a bite of the potatoes. “Oh my god,” she breathed, closing her eyes and chewing. “These are so fucking good.”

Lupin laughed. “Well it’s after eight o’clock, and we haven’t eaten anything all day. I’m guessing just about anything would taste good. Try the steak. I cooked yours a bit more than this one.” He shrugged and gestured to his own, bloody rare.

She nodded and smiled. “Appreciate that.” She cut into hers, taking a bite with some sautéed onions. Her eyes widened, looking to him. “Why has it taken me over a year of knowing you to learn that you were capable of this deliciousness? You could have been cooking me so many dinners.”

“I’m glad you like it,” he grinned. “And you’re right… I should have been cooking you so many dinners. I’ll be better at that.”

“Thank god, this is amazing,” she said with her mouth full.

He drank his wine, watching the light from the fire dance across her face. He had never felt so full, so whole. The way she lit up his world was so unexpected and so foreign to him he still had to pinch himself sometimes.

But today was easy, just flirting with her over a glass of wine. Next week was the full moon, and then what? They’d be apart every month, life disrupted with every cycle. And one day he’d hurt her. It was only a matter of time.

He knew she wanted more than he could offer her: marriage, children. Things that he could never give her. She had so many other options. A nagging voice in the back of his mind told him this could only be temporary, no matter how deep his love for her was, or the way she thought she felt in this moment.

Tonks was so young. She’d change her mind, decide that this lifestyle wasn’t tenable. He knew it would come one day, the moment when she would break his heart and leave him for someone younger, less complicated. It was inevitable.

“Where’d you learn to cook?” she asked, interrupting his negative thoughts.

He shrugged. “I’ve been on my own so much, I had to learn if I didn't want to starve. And, I don’t know — I found I was good at it. I enjoyed it. It was a hobby, a way to pass the time and enjoy my shitty life just a little more.”

Her expression changed at the sudden edge to his voice, and she reached out to touch his arm. “This is delicious. Thank you. No one’s ever cooked me dinner. I mean, besides my mom. And Molly. But not like this. I love you, Remus.”

“I love you, Dora.”

Tonks leaned forward and kissed him, his pessimism fading into the background as he focused on her: the softness of her lips, the way she pressed her body against his, the way she felt in his arms. Lupin exhaled slowly and pulled her close, breathing her in. He needed to stop talking himself out of a good thing. He could do this... one day at a time.


	24. Not Soon Enough

**April 13, 1996**

Tonks opened the front door to Grimmauld Place and ran up the stairs into the drawing room, her pink curls bouncing, and kissed a startled Lupin on the cheek.

“Hey,” he grinned, his spirits instantly lifting at the sight of her. “You’re early.”

“Yep. Hey, Sirius!”

“Hiya, Tonks. How was work?”

“Super boring, but I was able to knock off a little early. I’m gonna steal Remus for a few minutes if that’s okay?”

Sirius shrugged, smirking. “Be my guest. Lupin, you’re urgently needed to service your lady.”

“Jesus, Sirius.” Lupin shook his head and glared at his friend as Tonks just laughed and dragged him by the hand out of the room.

She took him upstairs to his bedroom and shut the door. “What’s up?” asked Lupin. “Is everything okay?”

“Uh huh. I just missed you,” Tonks murmured as she wrapped her arms around his neck, standing on her tiptoes and kissing him.

“Oh. Well okay,” Lupin smiled, brushing the hair out of her face. Tugging her closer by the belt loops of her jeans, he forced the conversation with Dumbledore to the back of his mind. Right now, she was far more interesting.

Tonks pushed him on the bed. He sat up and she shoved him back hard with both hands. “Come on, Dora, go easy on me,” he begged her, laughing.

She grinned and unzipped his pants, yanking them down. Dropping to her knees, she hummed as she took him all the way into her mouth.

“Oh, _fuck_ ,” he muttered.

A few minutes later, Lupin was laying flat on his back, just looking up at the ceiling, struggling to lower his heart rate and get his breathing back to normal, his pants still around his ankles. Tonks hopped up on the bed and curled up next to him, giggling as she ran her fingers over his chest and made him squirm.

“Wow. You’re incredibly good at that.”

“Oh yeah?” she asked with a grin.

“Yeah. I mean, not that I really have anything to compare it to —” he trailed off, and sat up on the bed, pulling his pants back up.

She looked at him quizzically.

“There’s only ever been you, Dora. But I think you probably knew that.”

“Oh,” she breathed. She hadn’t thought about it. “Really?”

“I’ve never been lucky in love,” he shrugged.

“Oh,” Tonks said again, her ears burning when she thought back to her life before him. She’d had her fair share of fun, starting back in her third year at Hogwarts when she used to sneak away under the bleachers with the captain of the Hufflepuff Quidditch team. She’d never really had any serious relationships before Lupin, but she also never had a problem finding a date.

As if he could read her mind, he ran his fingers tenderly through her hair. “I don’t care,” he whispered. “About any of that.”

Tonks swallowed hard, clinging to him.

“Okay, maybe I’m a little jealous when I think about it,” Lupin admitted, and she laughed. “But I love you, Dora. None of that matters now.”

“I love you too, Remus.”

***

**April 17, 1996**

Lupin walked in the front door of Grimmauld Place early one morning after an overnight shift, just as Tonks was running down the stairs with wet hair.

“There you are!” she exclaimed, jumping into his arms off the last stair and kissing him on the cheek. 

“Where are you going?” Lupin complained. “You already have your coat on.”

“Work,” Tonks pouted, sticking out her lower lip. “But see you later?”

“No, I can’t — I’m working with Kingsley again tonight.”

“What? Shit.”

“I know.” Lupin said, kissing her neck and unbuttoning her coat.

“Hey, stop! I really have to go. I’m already running late,” Tonks insisted with a grin, swatting his hand away.

“Mmmm… give me five minutes,” Lupin murmured. He took the bag off her shoulder and dropped it to the ground, pushing her up against the wall. 

Tonks grabbed onto the lapels of his jacket as he captured her mouth with his, a sense of urgency behind his kisses. She let out a little sigh as his tongue slid along hers.“What’s gotten into you?” she giggled.

He pressed his palms flat against the wall, towering over her, and smiled against her lips. “I haven’t seen you in days. Gotta make it count.”

“Get a room!” Sirius yelled with a grin as he walked past the two of them on his way to the kitchen. Lupin stuck up his middle finger without breaking off the kiss, then slid his hands around Tonks’ waist, pulling her into him.

“Mmm, I’m afraid your five minutes are up. I _really _gotta go, babe.”__

__“Fuck,” he grumbled._ _

__“I know. I miss you.”_ _

__“I miss you too. My bed’s been lonely.”_ _

__“I know… I gotta go.” Tonks stood on her tiptoes and kissed him again. “See you… soon?”_ _

__“Not soon enough,” Lupin said, picking up her bag from the floor and replacing it on her shoulder, and then giving her one last kiss for good measure._ _


	25. It Means We're the Same

**April 19, 1996**

Lupin and Tonks were in the front room of a safe house they’d never been to before in Godric’s Hollow. Lupin was leaning against the wall next to the window, keeping his eyes on the road outside.

Tonks hopped up to sit on the kitchen counter. She looked around the room. “Why is there a piano in here? There’s, like, almost no other furniture in the entire house, but they have a piano?”

“Think it’s in tune?” Lupin asked, walking over and blowing dust off the music rack. He lifted the lid and sat down at the bench.

“You play?” Tonks asked, tilting her head and smiling at him.

He nodded, but then shrugged. “Yeah. Well, a little.”

His hands hovered for a moment over the keyboard, and he took a deep breath. Then he positioned his fingers and pressed down on the yellowed keys, recalling a song he hadn’t played in years. Certain notes on the piano were just plain out of tune, and he played uncertainly at first, but it came back to him all the same, and the dark room was filled with music.

Tonks jumped down from the counter and walked over to the piano, sitting right next to him on the bench, her face softening as she watched his fingers traveling over the keys. His forehead was creased, his head bowed slightly. He tripped over a note and tried to recover, but stumbled again, and then just trailed off, looking up at her with a sheepish grin.

She beamed at him, her cheeks flushed. “Holy shit, babe, that was fucking sexy,” she whispered.

Lupin chuckled. “Stop. It was terrible. I haven’t played in a really long time. And this thing hasn’t been tuned in even longer.”

“No, I thought it was beautiful. What was that?”

“Chopin.”

“Mmm, play me something else.” She rest her chin on his shoulder.

“No,” he said, suddenly shy. “Maybe later. We’re here all night.”

“I never knew you were musical. Remus Lupin, man of mystery.”

He shrugged. “My mom taught me.”

She grinned. “You are so goddamn charming.”

He looked at her in disbelief, shaking his head ruefully. “I’m pretty sure you’re the only person who’s ever felt that way.”

Tonks smiled adoringly. “Lucky me.” She got up from the piano and walked over to the window. Seeing nothing, she returned to her perch on the counter.

“Hey,” she said suddenly. “How long do you think they’re going to keep letting us go on missions together now that they all know we’re fucking?”

Lupin laughed, standing up and walking over to her. He brushed the hair off her face and leaned in to kiss her neck, running his hands up her thighs.

But Tonks shook her head and shrugged him off, laughing. “Um, excuse me. We’re working right now. Hands off. I’m a professional.”

His face fell. “Seriously? After I just played the piano for you and everything?”

Tonks raised her eyebrows. “Remus, we can’t hook up when we’re supposed to be working. We’d be super distracted. What if we miss something important?”

He looked around the room, and gestured to the window ledge. “I could prop you up there and still keep a look out over your shoulder.”

“ _Stop._ No way.” We can have sex later when we’re not working.”

Lupin sighed. “Fine.”

She took his hand. “It’s important to me that I do a good job here. I still need to prove myself, so I have to take this seriously, you know?”

Lupin smiled. “I know. You’re right. We can wait. You make me crazy, girl, and I can’t think straight. It scares me sometimes.” He swallowed hard.

Tonks nodded. “I know. Me too. I kind of feel like I’ve been in a fog for the past year.”

“A year?”

“Uhh, _yeah_. That first night we worked together? You made me hot cocoa and were completely adorable. God, I was head over heels from that point on.”

“Really? Wow. Must have really been some good cocoa.” He grinned at her.

Tonks smiled back. “Okay, your turn. When did you know? That you loved me?”

“Oh geez. I don’t know, Dora. I’m bad at these things.”

“Come on. I’m sure you can think of something.”

“I mean. I can remember the moment that I first checked out your ass, if that’s what you mean.”

“No. That’s _not_ what I mean.” Tonks crossed her arms with a smirk.

“Hmm. Bummer. It’s one of my happiest memories.”

She laughed and slapped his arm.

“Okay, fine. How about this? The first time I seriously thought about kissing you was the night you were working with that punching bag, in the basement. We were sitting on the bottom step and you leaned into me, and I almost went for it right then. I even thought maybe you were going to kiss me.”

“I almost did kiss you that night,” she grinned.

“And we both chickened out?” Lupin shook his head sadly. “Mmm. Wasted time.” He leaned in and kissed her on the corner of the mouth. “Oops. Sorry. I forgot. I’ll try to restrain myself. Do you remember that night when we were tailing Avery, and I pulled you into the alley outside the pub?”

Tonks nodded slowly, her eyes wide.

“I should have kissed you then, too. I almost did, until Malfoy showed up, and then I lost my nerve. You know, you yelled at me about that on your birthday when you got drunk.”

“I did?”

“Oh yeah. You taunted me about it. Said I should have kissed you.”

“I mean, you _should_ have.”

“Agreed. But wouldn’t that have counted as ‘unprofessional’ touching?”

She bit her lip and smiled. “Mmm. I don’t know. It would have fit with our cover that night. Just us trying to be… thorough.”

“Yeah, thorough,” Lupin repeated, smiling.

“What else did I say on my birthday when I was drunk?” she asked with wide eyes.

“Oh, _girl_. You kept trying to pull me into your bed and told me that you knew I wanted to fuck you.”

Her jaw dropped. “I used those words?”

“Those exact words.”

“What? You never told me that.” She slapped his arm.

“I think you know why.”

Tonks covered her face with her hands. “Oh my god. That’s so embarrassing.”

“I mean, you were spot on with everything you said. But I was terrified of you. You know, that night in the alley, I thought about that moment — shit — probably every day for the next six months. Replaying it in my head, imagining what could have happened if I just went for it.”

“You fantasized about me?” She raised her eyebrows, grinning at him.

“For a long time. I tried really hard _not_ to think about you in that way. But I couldn’t help it. If us getting together depended on me being brave enough to make a move, it probably would have never happened. Thank goodness for you.” Lupin wrapped his arms around her shoulders and pulled her tight against him, kissing her forehead. “Sorry. There I go again.”

“Mmm, I’ll allow it.” Tonks wrapped her arms around his waist and smiled up at him. “Just this once.”

***

It was almost five in the morning by the time Lupin and Tonks were finally on their way back to Grimmauld Place. He grabbed her hand. “Hey, are we still working? Or are we off the clock?”

“Huh?” She stopped to look at him, her forehead creased in confusion. They had walked down the street to the end of the block before Apparating, and were standing in front of an open field, quiet and still. Beyond the field lay a dark, dense forest.

“Well, our work is done. Right?” he asked.

“Right…”

“We’re on our way home. Technically, already off work, I’d say.”

“Yeah, I guess. I’m confused, Remus.”

“Well, if we were still working, I’d hate for you to feel — how did you phrase it? — unprofessional. But if I’m on my own time now, I kind of want to disappear in those woods with you for a few minutes. What do you think?”

Tonks laughed, tilting her face up to look at him. “Let me ponder that… Professor.” She wrapped her arms around his neck, her lips barely brushing his, and then she let out an intentionally breathy sigh.

The corners of his mouth turned up as he looked down at her. “You’re filthy.” 

She shrugged. “You love it.”

He grabbed her hand and pulled her off the sidewalk and across the field, Tonks giggling the whole way.

Lupin pushed her up against a tree, her hands and neck scraping against the bark, and her breath caught in her throat as he looked at her so intensely. It was late spring, but it was still cold enough at this early hour that their breath was visible.

“Hi,” Tonks murmured, staring up at him.

“Hey.” He ran his hand down the side of her ribcage, then gripped her waist and pulled her toward him.

She swallowed hard and took a deep breath. “Wait. Can I show you something?”

“Sure.”

“I’m a little embarrassed.”

“About what?”

“Well… I was at work yesterday. And I had to cast a Patronus. And — I was caught off guard when I saw it.”

“Why?” Lupin stepped back, his eyebrows furrowed.

Tonks gulped and looked at him, hesitating. Then with a shaking hand, she pointed her wand toward the field. A silver form shot out of the wand’s end and began to take shape, hurdling around the meadow on four legs. Lupin’s heart thudded in his chest as he understood. It wasn’t her usual rabbit Patronus — it was a _wolf_.

He looked dumbfounded.

She shrugged her shoulders. “I’m not sure how it happened. I remember learning that it could happen. I just — I’ve never seen it actually happen before.”

Tonks noticed the strange expression that clouded Lupin’s face. “Say something,” she urged, her voice desperate. “I’m freaking out. I know it’s a little too much, a lot too soon. I didn’t do it on purpose —”

Lupin swallowed a lump in his throat. He had no words for how he felt, so he just pulled her tightly against him, resting his chin on the top of her head.

They stayed like that for several silent moments. Lupin looked over to the silver wolf watching them from across the dark meadow. It was a little different from his own, smaller and decidedly more feminine.

She pulled back to look at him. “So what does it mean? Do I ‘belong’ to you now or something?” Tonks rolled her eyes like it was a joke, but Lupin saw the uncertainty and fear on her face about what was happening to her, and recognized that she was on the verge of tears.

He laughed, and took a shaky breath. “No,” he whispered, reaching out and running his thumb along her cheekbone. “It means we’re the same.”

He grabbed his wand and sent his own wolf Patronus running around after hers. They chased each other around in a circle, and then nuzzled heads affectionately. Tonks laughed out loud and then inhaled shakily, no longer seeming quite so self-conscious.

Lupin kissed her hard on the mouth, gripping her face tightly with both hands. Her hands were inside his jacket, pressed against his chest, and she could feel his heart thundering. Then he laid her down in the soft grass at the edge of the woods, kissing her neck, and reached for the button on her jeans. “Is this okay?”

“Yes.”

He yanked her pants down her legs, and then used his tongue to undo her, not stopping until she was a buzzing bundle of nerves. He lay down next to her in the grass, and she turned to him. “Whoa. What did I do to deserve that?”

Lupin shrugged, smiling. “I love you.”

“Come here already,” she said, unzipping his pants and pulling them off.

His breathing was ragged as he pushed inside her, slowly at first, and then gradually faster as they developed a steady rhythm. Her body shuddered and she let out a gasping moan.

Tonks lifted her hips to meet each thrust, her eyes locked on his. “Oh my god. This is so good, Remus. Don’t stop.”

“I won’t,” he promised, kissing her neck as she clenched around him, digging her nails into his back. 

When they finished, they lay side-by-side on their backs, holding hands in the bed of soft grass and pine needles, catching their breath. Tonks looked around the field. Their Patronuses were nowhere to be seen. “Where’d they go?”

Lupin shrugged. “Guess they decided to give us some privacy.”

“Or maybe they went off to fuck somewhere in the woods too.”

Lupin laughed until his sides cramped, and Tonks collapsed against him in her own fit of giggles.

Then she pushed herself up so she could look him in the eyes, a shadow crossing her face. “So you know more about this than I do. Have you ever seen someone’s Patronus change form like that?”

“Sure,” Lupin said, brushing the hair off her forehead. “It’s pretty rare though. Yours used to be a rabbit, which made sense. You’re small, but you’re also quick and fierce. It’s not always an exact science. You have other important qualities. You’re a protector, and you’re loyal. So a wolf works for you, too.”

Tonks looked at him. “Yeah, but this obviously is because of you though, right? It wouldn’t have changed specifically to a wolf otherwise. I don’t know, Remus — makes me feel a little weird. I never wanted to be one of those girls. Someone who completely changes who she is when she’s in love.”

He cradled her face with his hand. “I don’t know. I’m a different person because of you.” Lupin shrugged. “It doesn’t have to be a bad thing. This isn’t something you can control. It’s not a conscious choice.”

“Maybe that’s what scares me,” she admitted in a small voice.

He nodded. “I understand.”

Tonks looked at him with so much uncertainty. “It doesn’t freak you out? It’s not too much?”

Lupin smiled. “I mean, I’m surprised. But no, it doesn’t ‘freak me out.’ It feels nice. To have a companion. I never thought I’d have that.”

Tonks kissed him softly, but then deeper and with more intensity as he drew her closer, rolling around in the grass together, and she felt the weight of him fully press down against her. Then she pulled back. “Wait. Can we please head back? I’m so fucking cold.”

Lupin laughed. “Done.” He grabbed her wrist and they Apparated to the top step of Grimmauld Place. 

They walked in the front door, and he took off her coat and hung it up, pressing a kiss to her forehead, then pulling back to look at her. “Bed? Or coffee?”

Tonks groaned, looking at her watch. “Coffee. I have to be at the office at eight.”

Lupin wrapped his arm around her shoulders. “Poor love. Come on.”

They walked downstairs to the kitchen to find Sirius sitting at the table, reading the newspaper. “Hey guys. Where have you been?”

“We were out working a job,” Lupin replied, collapsing in a chair. Tonks dropped into the seat next to him.

“Oh. Is that what you two are calling it?” He raised his eyebrows and took a long sip from his mug.

“Shut up, Sirius. You’re up awfully early.”

He shrugged. “Yeah. Couldn’t sleep. Hiya, Tonks. Wait... are those _leaves_ in your hair?” Sirius grinned as her face turned bright red.

Lupin choked back a laugh as he picked out the debris from her messy curls, and then kissed her forehead. She buried her face in his sweater.

“Aww, I’m sorry, Tonks. Just fucking with you. Hey, Remus... Dumbledore is upstairs in the drawing room. He said he needed to talk to you?”

Lupin nodded and then looked to Tonks, who shrugged. “Go ahead. It’s fine. I have to pretty leave soon anyway.”

“I’ll keep ya company until you have to go, Tonks,” said Sirius. “I promise I’ll even be nice.”

She rolled her eyes at him. “Pour me a cup of coffee and we're even.”

Sirius winked at her and stood up. “Done.”

“Alright,” Lupin said. “Hopefully this won’t take long and I’ll see you before you leave.”

Tonks stepped up on her toes and kissed him, pulling back with a wink. “Just in case.”

Lupin couldn't wipe the grin off his face as he walked out of the room and up the stairs. He should have felt dead on his feet after staying up all night, but he'd never felt more alive. Was it possible that for once in Remus Lupin’s miserable life, things were _actually_ starting to go his way? There was a bounce in his step as he swung his head through the drawing room door, finding Dumbledore seated behind the desk.

“Ah, Remus. Wonderful. Please, close the door, would you?”

Lupin obliged and then stepped into the room, taking one of the armchairs. “Sirius said you wanted to see me?”

Dumbledore looked at him curiously, an amused smile on his face. “I wouldn’t have guessed that was your color.”

Lupin just looked confused. “Umm... pardon?”

“Is that yours?”

Lupin looked down to see Tonks’ bright pink glove sticking out of his pocket and felt a wide smile spread across his whole face. “Ha. No, it’s Dora’s. It fell on the floor when I was hanging up her coat, and... well, I guess I still have it. I should make sure she gets it before leaving for work.”

“Ah, yes. Well, it has been unseasonably cold for April. I’ll get right to the point, Remus. Both sides are recruiting aggressively. Hagrid has been communicating with the giants. Unfortunately many of them have already sworn their allegiance to Voldemort. I was hoping you might be able to provide some similar unique insight.”

Lupin’s jaw tightened and he nodded, urging Dumbledore to continue.

“I won’t mince words. We need a spy with the werewolves. I think it could be most effective if you went and lived among them, at least for a few months. Gain their trust, hear what’s being said, bring some over to our cause if possible. I do realize that the timing of my request is less than ideal,” Dumbledore gestured to the glove, and Lupin felt his heart break as his fingers tightened around it, “and for that, I am truly sorry, Remus. But you know I wouldn’t ask unless it was absolutely necessary.”

Clearing his throat, Lupin forced his voice to stay steady. “Can I have some time? To think it over?”

“Of course,” Dumbledore nodded. “But ideally I’d like you in place by the next full moon.”

Lupin gulped. That was less than two weeks away.


	26. Edinburgh

**April 28, 1996**

Lupin worked late and came home to find Tonks asleep in his bed. He pressed his lips to her forehead, running his fingers through her hair. A painful lump formed in his throat as he thought of leaving her. He wasn’t sure how to tell her what Dumbledore had asked of him.

She stirred and rolled over. “Hey,” she smiled, blinking her eyes open. “You’re here.”

“I’m here.”

“Oh my god, Remus. I haven’t seen you all week. This sucks.”

“I know. I’ve missed you.” Lupin kissed her.

“Work’s been crazy, but I have a little time off, and you have a few days until the next full moon. What do you have going on?”

“Not much, I don’t think. Kingsley and I just got back, and things are quiet on that front. Why... what did you have in mind?”

“Well,” Tonks started, sitting up. “Have you ever been to Edinburgh?”

“Umm… yeah. Once. For work. Why?”

“Let’s go.”

“For what?”

“Just for fun,” she grinned at him, taking his hand. “It’s a cool city, and I need to get out of here. I got us a hotel. Think they can survive without us for a few days?”

Lupin thought of Dumbledore’s unanswered request still hanging over his head, the looming full moon. He wasn’t ready to think about it. This… was perfect.

“Okay.” He smiled. “Let's go.”

***

**April 29, 1996**

Lupin packed a bag and began feeling a little nervous about his weekend away with Tonks. He’d never been on a vacation before, and it everything felt like it was happening so fast. 

But when she walked into Grimmauld Place with a suitcase and a radiant smile, he felt his anxiety start to melt away. Maybe the trip was going to be exactly what he needed — the chance to get far away from this place, and all the expectations it held.

When they got to Edinburgh, Tonks took his hand, lacing her fingers through his, and led him down a cobblestone street in Old Town, stopping in front of a small boutique hotel. “We’re here,” she grinned. “Come on.”

Lupin held open the front door for her and looked around the lobby. “This is… pretty fancy.”

She shrugged. “It’s just for a couple of nights.”

He looked suddenly uncomfortable. “How are we paying for all of this?”

“Don’t worry about it, Remus. I’m the one with a day job, remember?” Tonks teased, grinning at him.

“Well, I sure don’t love that,” he said, looking down at his feet.

“Hey,” Tonks said, taking his hand. “We deserve a break. Take a deep breath and come have fun with me.” She pressed a quick kiss to his cheek before walking to the front desk, exchanging her information for a room key from the attendant.

They went up the elevator to the eleventh floor and she opened the door to room 1121. It was small, but held a queen-sized bed, a couch, and a desk with a chair. There was a tiny bathroom with a shower, and a set of French doors that led to the balcony.

Tonks set her suitcase down and flung open the balcony door, walking outside. “Holy shit!” she exclaimed. “Come out here, Remus.”

Lupin walked outside to see Edinburgh Castle, on top of a cliff, looming over the city. The giant fortress was impressive, and they had a near unobstructed view. “Whoa.”

She sat down in one of the two chairs on the balcony and put her purse down on the small table. She pointed to the other chair. “Take a load off, love.” Lupin sank into the chair, still looking around. Tonks pulled a case out of her purse and started rolling a joint. When she was done, she looked over at him. “You okay?”

He nodded, but still seemed uncomfortable.

Tonks walked over and curled up in his lap. “Hey. We’re here to relax. It’s only for a few days, so please just take a deep breath and try to enjoy yourself. Huh? Because then it’ll be back to reality before we know it.” She leaned in and kissed his neck.

“Yeah, you’re right,” he relented.

She pressed her lips to his, and he felt his heart rate start to steady as he kissed her back, focusing on the way she fit in his arms, the feeling of her weight against him.The sun was already starting to set, and Tonks grabbed Lupin’s wrist, looking at his watch. “I’m going to change my clothes, okay? Then I’ll come back and we can smoke before we go explore a bit tonight. Sound good?”

He looked down at his own shirt and pants uncertainly. “Do I need to change?”

Tonks smiled. “Not unless you want to. You’re fine exactly as you are, love.”

Lupin sat on the balcony, watching the fog start to roll in over the castle and willing his body to embrace this weekend away and try to relax. He was out there for more than twenty minutes before Tonks returned, and when he looked up at her, he felt his jaw drop. She was wearing a tight purple long-sleeved dress with a belt and tall brown boots, her pink hair falling in curls around her face.

“Damn, baby,” he murmured, standing up.

“Yeah?” she asked, grinning at him and turning around. When she did, he could see how the material clung to her ass. 

“Whoa, do that again,” he begged, smiling. She laughed and obliged him, spinning in another circle. He stepped toward her and snaked his arms around her waist. “Mmm,” he hummed, kissing her neck. “I like the dress.”

“I’m glad. It’s new.” Tonks pulled back from him and picked the joint up off the table, lighting it with her wand and taking a few puffs. “You enjoying the view?”

“Uh huh,” he said, not taking his eyes off her.

She laughed, handing him the joint. “I meant the castle.”

“I know. I like that too.” Lupin took a long drag and felt his muscles start to let go.

They sat in silence, passing the joint back and forth, their eyes watching the city below them. 

When they finished smoking, Tonks took him by the hand and led him down to the street. They found a bar a few blocks down from the hotel.It was already crowded, but they managed to find a high-top table to lean against. The bartender came by, and Tonks ordered a vodka soda, Lupin sticking with his standard whiskey pour. “You hungry?” she asked him.

“I’m always hungry,” he replied. Tonks grinned ordered a couple of appetizers when their drinks arrived.

She clinked her glass against his and winked at him. “Cheers. To getting away.”

Lupin took a sip and looked around him. He’d spent so many years living alone that he still felt self-conscious and out of place in large crowds like this.

“You okay?” she shouted, looking up at him.

He swallowed hard and nodded.

Tonks leaned into him, taking a sip from her straw, and he wrapped his arm around her shoulder to pull her closer. Lupin was suddenly hyper-aware of the fact that other men in the bar were checking her out. She looked amazing in that dress, and here she was, on his arm — and he felt like the luckiest guy in the whole fucking world.

After eating some food and having two more drinks each, they left the bar. She led him down a cobblestone street lit by strings of incandescent bulbs. Lupin looked around him, taking in the sights and sounds of Edinburgh. Guitar music boomed from a bar they walked past, street vendors dishing out their food for customers waiting in line.

Tonks turned and smiled at him, her pink hair framing her pale face, and Lupin found himself completely mesmerized. He wasn’t sure if it was the drinks, or the city, but that moment, everything else ceased to matter, except for her bouncing curls and the way her nose wrinkled when she laughed under the lights.

They had to wait to cross a street, and she stood up on her tiptoes to kiss him. Lupin cupped her face with his hand, regarding her with a sudden intensity. He stroked her cheek with his thumb, a lump forming in his throat as he looked down at her. “I fucking love you,” he choked out. “You know that?”

Tonks beamed up at him as the light turned green. “Come on.” She grabbed his hand and pulled him across the street and took a hard right. Up ahead he saw a large circular building on top of a cliff. 

“Where are we going?” he asked, willing to follow her anywhere. Dumbledore and the looming question seemed another world away.

“Up here,” she grinned. Before them was a set of steep stone stairs. They climbed up and up, until they both stopped at one point to catch their breath and Remus sneaked a quick kiss, pushing Tonks up against the brick wall. “Wait! We’re almost there,” she panted. “Let’s keep going up. I promise it will be worth it.”

Tonks bit her lip, beckoning him to follow her. She pulled him up the stairs by the hand, and after a few more minutes, they finally made it up to the rooftop.

“Where are we?” Lupin asked.

“The Royal Observatory. Check out this view.”

Lupin’s breath caught in his throat as he looked out over the old city in a sweeping panoramic shot. “Whoa,” he breathed.

“I know,” Tonks said, wrapping her arms around his waist and grinning up at him. “You can see stars too, but it’s better when it’s not so close to the full moon.”

He looked up at the purple sky, dotted with faint lights, the moon brilliant directly above them. “I’ve never been up here before.”

“Mmmm. Stick with me and I’ll show you the world, love.”

Lupin regarded her with the same intense expression from earlier, tracing his thumb along the side of her face and tilting her chin up.

“Thank you for coming with me,” she whispered.

He pressed his lips against hers. “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else,” he said. And he was suddenly struck by how deeply he meant it.

When they got back to the hotel, Tonks was yawning. She changed into a shirt and a pair of shorts, and collapsed on the bed. Lupin stripped down to his boxers and laid next to her. “I’m so tired,” she murmured, resting her head on his chest.

“Mmm hmm,” he agreed.

Away from the crowded headquarters of Grimmauld Place, and all of the expectations that came along with being in the Order, the two of them slept more soundly than they could recall in recent memory.

***

**April 30, 1996**

Lupin woke up refreshed, feeling more relaxed than he had in a long time — maybe ever. He looked down to see Tonks still asleep in bed next to him. She was facing away from him, so he spooned her, pressing his lips gently along the edge of her jaw as she blinked awake.

She rolled over and grinned up at him. “Mmm. Morning.”

“Hey,” he murmured, kissing her forehead.

“How’d you sleep?” Tonks asked, stretching.

“Amazing. I feel great.”

“Mmm. Me too. This bed’s comfy. But I’m ready to get up and explore.”

It was a sunny spring day — warm but not yet hot — and the weather was perfect for walking around. They meandered down the cobblestone streets, holding hands, until she pulled him into a used bookstore they passed. They still had fun browsing the dusty treasures, and Tonks picked out two books she wanted to buy. Lupin found a moment to steal away in an abandoned corner of the stacks to steal a kiss, slipping his hands in the back pockets of her jeans.

Next, they found a street market a few blocks down. Tonks ordered a crepe with cheese and ham, and she offered Lupin the first bite. They ate their way through the market, sampling jams, breads and cheeses. Lupin traded a crumpled bill for a bright pink peony that matched Tonks’ hair and gave it to her, and she giggled, throwing her arms around his neck and kissing him.

At the end of the fair was a booth with beer samples, and after trying them all, they each picked out a bottle of their favorite to buy — a red ale for him, and a blonde for her. They sat down on the curb and sipped their beers, and Tonks leaned against his shoulder while a street musician played nearby.

She nudged him and he looked down at her. “Whatcha thinking about?”

Lupin smiled. “Nothing. Just sitting here, enjoying the day with you. I didn’t realize how much I needed this until now.”

Tonks nodded. “I know. Me too.”

He kissed her forehead, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her close.

***

Back at the hotel, Tonks went into the bathroom to change for dinner, and Lupin waited out on the balcony, leaning his forearms against the railing. She was gone more than a half hour, but he lost track of time as he watched the fog gathering around the castle, the tiny dots of people walking on the streets below.

Then Tonks cleared her throat behind him and smiled nervously as he turned and looked her up and down.

“Wow. Damn,” he whispered, and she grinned. Lupin bit his lip and motioned with his finger. “Turn around.”

Tonks slowly twirled in a circle. She was wearing a short, tight black dress with wide sleeves. She had on black stockings, a pair of heels, and silver hoop earrings. Her hair was shoulder-length, pink, and wavy with sections twisted and pinned back.

He looked down at his own clothes. “Jesus. Am I okay to even be seen out with you like that?”

Tonks laughed and wrapped her arms around his neck, reaching up on her toes to kiss him. “Stop. I love you. You’re perfect.”

“Are we going somewhere fancy?” he asked, still self-conscious.

She tugged on the wrinkled collar of his shirt. “You’re fine. I promise. Stop worrying. It’s dark where we’re going. I don’t know — I just wanted to look nice for you tonight.”

“Well, fuck. Mission accomplished.” Lupin shook his head, and she grinned as he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer, his hands wandering.

Ten minutes later, they were walking down the street to dinner, and Tonks was gripping tightly to his arm as she struggled to navigate the cobblestones in her high heels.

“Are you finally regretting your ridiculous choice in footwear?” Lupin teased.

Tonks shook her head stubbornly. “Nope. Never. They look fucking hot. Worth it.”

Lupin chuckled. “They do look fucking hot. Besides, I like the way they make you grab onto me.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead.

Tonks pulled them into the entrance of a small French restaurant three blocks away from their hotel, and they got a table for two in the corner. She slid into the booth against the wall and Lupin took the chair, scooting closer to her and running his hand up her leg.

“Damn. You weren’t kidding about it being dark,” Lupin murmured. “I like it.”

She winked at him, candlelight flickering across her face. “I thought you would.”

Tonks handed him a menu, but Lupin shook his head. “No way. You order everything. I’d just embarrass myself.”

When their server came by, Tonks selected a bottle of red wine for them to share. The waiter came back with the bottle, pouring her a small taste, and when she nodded, he filled both of their glasses, leaving the rest of the bottle on the table.

Lupin looked at her uncomfortably. “I’m so out of my element here.” He shook his head.

“It’s just wine, love. It’s really good. You’ll like it,” she said reassuringly. She clinked her glass against his. “Cheers to Edinburgh.” She flashed an infectious smile that he couldn’t help but return.

He took a sip. “Holy shit, that is good.”

“Told you.” She grinned.

After Lupin’s refusal to give any sort of preferences, Tonks did all the ordering for both of them. Lupin kept finding himself scooting his chair closer and closer to her, and finally ended up squeezing next to her on the booth so he could slide his hand farther up her skirt, his fingers finding the lace at the tops of her stockings.

When they had drained the last of their wine, she took care of the bill, and they walked back, their hands intertwined. They took the elevator all the way up to the rooftop of the hotel, where they could look out over the city. There were a few other guests who were also there, taking in the view, but the two of them found a quiet spot where they could lean against the railing.

Lupin nudged her on the shoulder, and Tonks giggled, glancing over at him. Then she wrinkled her nose. “You’re looking at me kind of weird.”

“Sorry. This is… just very different for me. All of this.”

Her face softened a little. “Are you having any fun?”

He broke into a big smile. “Oh my god, yes. _Definitely_. Different is good. Different was… needed. Thank you for everything.”

Tonks stood up on her toes and kissed him on the lips. “Hey, I was thinking about something.”

Lupin took a drink from his glass too. “What’s that?”

She cleared her throat nervously, but then held her head up a little higher and looked him in the eye. “I know it’s almost the full moon — but I want to try. Please. It’s time, Remus. We’re ready for this.”

Lupin gulped.

“I’ll have my wand nearby so I can stun you if it’s too much,” she suggested.

“And that’s supposed to make me want to do this?” he joked nervously.

“I’ll only use it if I have to,” Tonks assured him with a grin.

Lupin brushed a strand of pink hair out of her face and looked at her sadly. “I don’t know, Dora.”

Tonks smiled. “I think it’s the perfect end to a perfect day. We can do this. You’ll stay with me. I know you can. You’d never hurt me. It’ll be fine.”

He closed his eyes.

She knit her eyebrows. “Do you have an actual reason to think that this will go badly? Or are you just worried?”

Lupin looked at her hopelessly. “I know I act like an asshole for a few days before I leave. Anytime I’ve ever picked a fight, or said something I regret, it’s during that time. That shit I said to you last month? You know I’d have never said that otherwise. _Fuck._ ” He paused, swallowing a lump in his throat. “But I just feel my blood rising and I — I don’t know. I even _look_ at you differently when it’s close to the full moon. It makes me nervous.”

She bit her lip and wrapped her arms around his neck, smiling slyly at him. “I _know_. I like it.”

He shook his head and pulled her off of him. “Stop. This is serious. I could hurt you.”

Tonks shrugged. “What? It’s hot. You look at me like you want me more, but you won’t touch me. You’re really building this up for me, whether you mean to or not.”

Lupin grabbed her shoulders. “Look. This one time, I got into a fight with James in our sixth year, the day before the full moon. I beat him so badly he ended up in the hospital wing... and I don’t remember any of it. Dora, of course I’d never hurt you intentionally. But that’s the point — It’s _not_ me.”

She swallowed hard.

He shook his head, almost looking like he was going to cry. “My kind doesn’t usually breed with your kind,” he spat out defeatedly.

Tonks glared at him. “That’s not fair.”

He was taken aback by her anger. “What? It’s true!”

She blinked, looking away.

Lupin rubbed his temple with his fingers. “Shit. I ruined this.”

“No. You didn’t ruin anything.” Tonks hugged him around the waist.

Lupin almost cringed, his elbows awkwardly hovering above her shoulders, as if he was afraid to touch her.

She looked up at him. “Do you trust me?”

“That’s not what this is about, Dora.”

“But do you?”

“Of course I do.” Lupin looked at her tenderly, rubbing his thumb along her jaw.

“Then give me a chance. Trust that I can handle this. That I can help you stay with me. Don’t underestimate us.” Tonks looked hopeful. “Please?”

Lupin looked out over the rooftop, taking a deep, shaky breath.

She slipped her hand in his. “We’re good together, you know. And besides… I like it a little rough.” She bit her lip.

He exhaled forcefully. “Jesus Christ, Dora. You’re not exactly helping me think straight.”

She shrugged. “I’m sorry.”

Lupin’s eyes narrowed. “You’re not sorry at all.”

Tonks just smirked at him.

Lupin stared at her intently and he swallowed hard. He nodded once, and her eyes widened. “Okay,” he whispered.

“Really?” she breathed. “Shit. Let’s go before you change your mind.”

She dragged him by the hand to the elevator, and as soon as the doors closed, they were all over each other. She started unbuttoning his shirt and went to unzip his pants, but his hands closed tightly over hers. “Jesus, wait until we get to the room, will you, Dora?”

“Mmm, I can’t.”

When the elevator stopped on the eleventh floor, they stumbled down the hallway and into their dark room. Lupin backed her up against the wall. His hands were up her dress again, pushing her underwear to the side, and he plunged one finger inside of her. Tonks’ head dropped back and she exhaled sharply.

“Holy shit, girl, you’re already so wet.”

“Uh huh,” she grinned. “I’m ready for you.”

He groaned, kissing her neck. Then she put both her hands against his chest to push him back, and stepped away from him.

Tonks bit her lip, looking at him with such intensity that he felt intimidated by her. She reached back, unzipping her dress, and letting it fall to the floor to reveal a black bra and a garter belt with thigh-high stockings. Her fair skin and pink hair were luminous in the moonlight streaming in from the balcony.

“Oh… holy fuck,” Lupin whispered.

She stepped toward him, still wearing her heels, and wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing him softly on the corner of his mouth. In that moment, he felt almost afraid to put his hands on her. She bent over and picked up Lupin’s necktie off the ground, draping it around her neck. “Come here,” she beckoned him, stretching her hand out to him.

He put his hand in hers. “Dora, I —”

“Shhh.” She yanked him toward her and pressed her mouth to his.

Standing in the dark hotel room, Lupin suddenly felt a fire spread through his body the second he kissed her. His hands were everywhere, like he was touching her for the first time. He had never felt such an overwhelming sense of urgency, a desperate need to have her, to consume her.

Tonks undid his belt buckle and unzipped his pants, and they were quickly discarded on the floor, along with his remaining clothes. She pushed him back onto the bed and climbed on top of him in her black lingerie and high-heeled shoes.

Lupin took a deep, shaky breath. His heart was thudding in his chest. He ran his hands up and down her legs, tracing the edge of her stockings, playing with the clasp on her garter belt.

“I have an idea,” she said slowly, reaching for the tie draped around her neck.

“What?”

“Do you think it would help if I took the lead to start things off? And if we maybe gave me a slight advantage by otherwise occupying your hands?”

“What do you —?”

She grabbed one of his wrists and pulled it above his head, tying it to the slats of the headboard.

“Oh. Uh, I don’t know that this is going to help anything —”

“Shut up, Remus,” she said, grabbing his other hand and securing it to the bed above him as well.

Lupin gulped as she lightly kissed his neck, his nipples, down his stomach, feeling him shudder and tremble. She licked the tip of his erection before wrapping her lips around his cock and taking as much of him as she could down her throat. He groaned, lifting his hips off the mattress.

“Holy shit, Dora.”

But she was already making her way back up his body, straddling him and sinking down on his cock until he was all the way inside her. She dropped her head back and let out a breathy cry. “Oh my god.”

“Fuck,” he hissed.

She leaned her face close to his, running her thumb over the scar on his eyebrow. “You okay?” she whispered.

“Yeah.” His breathing was ragged, feeling very uncomfortable about having his hands bound.

She kissed his cheek and looked at him. “Stay with me, Remus.”

He nodded. “I’m here.”

Tonks gripped the headboard for balance as she rolled her hips, her pace and her moans intensifying together. “This is so good, baby,” she breathed, grinning at him.

Lupin just grunted in reply, his eyes shut tight.

“Oh my god!” Tonks screamed.

Lupin’s face screwed up almost like he was in pain.

“You okay? Want me to stop?” she asked, praying that his answer was no as she felt him throbbing inside her.

He shook his head, eyes still closed, gritting his teeth. He felt a growl building from within him, something wild threatening to come out.

“Look at me, Remus.” Tonks put her hand on the side of his face.

His eyes opened, and she thought she saw something dark flash behind them.

She stopped and bent down to kiss him gently. “Stay with me.”

Lupin nodded, his eyes locked on hers, taking a deep breath. “I’m with you.”

“Oh fuck,” she gasped after a few minutes with the same rhythm, her eyes wide, her mouth hanging open as she looked at him intensely. “Oh my god. Oh my god, I’m gonna come.”

“Yeah?” he panted.

“Uh huh. Are you still with me?” 

“I’m here.” He held his breath as if he were bracing himself for impact.

Tonks bit her lip and rode it out as she lost control. Lupin could feel her clenching all around him, and finally her body slumped as she let out a loud sigh. She lay down on his chest with him still inside of her, her body going limp.

“Oh my god,” she breathed. She circled her hips ever so slightly, running her fingers gently over his ribs, her whole body buzzing. “You’re, like, bigger or harder than you usually are or something.”

“You think?” he asked, his heart pounding.

“Uh, yeah. Definitely.”

“Huh.”

She sat upright to look at him, and Lupin exhaled sharply as he sunk even deeper into her. “That wasn’t — I don’t know. You made it sound like my life was in danger. You were fine. I don’t know what you’ve been so worried about,” she said.

“Dora…” 

Tonks tugged at the knot in his necktie until his hands were loose. She circled her hips and he groaned, his arms wrapping around her waist. “You didn’t come yet,” she observed with a smile. She rolled off him and lay back against the pillows, readjusting her bra and stockings.

Lupin forcefully exhaled as he drank in the sight of her. The dark material of her stockings and garters contrasted with her milky skin glowing in the moonlight, and he swallowed hard. He was momentarily frightened by how badly he wanted her.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Just looking.”

“Stop looking. Start touching.”

Lupin’s eyes traveled down her body and landed on the heels she was still wearing. He lifted her leg up and propped it on his shoulder, and Tonks grinned. 

“Mmm. That’s more like it.”

But then he grabbed a fistful of her hair and gave it a sharp tug, pulling her face up to look at him, and her smile quickly vanished.

“Hey. Let me know if you need me to stop. I mean it.”

She nodded, her eyes huge. “Okay.”

He pushed all the way inside her and she let out a strangled cry. He pulled out and thrust back in, feeling like he had never hit quite this deep, and she let out a louder sob than before.

“You good?” he asked, pausing, gasping for breath.

“Yeah,” she nodded, her pupils blown wide. “Keep going. But stay with me.”

He nodded and braced his hands against the headboard as he slammed into her, her leg bending back as he leaned forward, giving him even deeper access.

“Oh fuck,” she choked out, her hands in her hair, her eyes rolling back.

“Dora?” His voice sounded tight.

“I’m good. Don’t stop. Come on, I can take it.”

“Careful, Dora...”

She grabbed his face with both hands. “What do you want to do to me?”

Lupin felt his temperature rapidly rise as he looked down at her. His eyes zeroed in on the pale skin of her neck, the swell of her breast, and felt the sudden urge to sink his teeth into her.

Tonks locked her eyes on his, her jaw tight, her hand still on his cheek, her heart pounding. “I love you, Remus. It’s okay.”

He looked back at her and felt his wilder instincts start to subside. This was Dora. He wouldn’t hurt her. His body relaxed slightly at the realization, and he exhaled slowly. He could control this.

God, he _wanted_ her though. He had never been a religious man, but this felt like the closest thing to a reckoning. She was everything.

He knew in that moment it would break him to leave her. There had to be another way. Dumbledore would have to understand.

She smiled as she noticed his face soften. “Come on, Remus. I see it in your eyes. _Fuck_ me.”

Lupin swallowed hard and then let out a growl. He put her leg down, flipping her onto her stomach. She had the wind momentarily knocked out of her as she landed on the mattress, and he used his knee to spread her legs apart. Tonks’ moans and whimpers were muffled in the pillow as he thrust into her from behind. His hands gripped her hips tightly to keep them in position while she held herself up on shaking elbows, and she clutched a fistful of the sheets as he fucked the breath out of her.

A moment later he growled, thrusting inside her one last time, and then pulled out and rolled onto his back. Tonks waited to move until her world righted itself again. She unstrapped her shoes with shaky hands and tossed them to the floor. Then she slumped back against the pillow, letting out a long, quivering breath.

Lupin’s heart was still pounding, his breathing ragged. He reached out for her, his hand finding her shoulder. “Are you okay?”

She nodded.

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you come?” he asked.

“No — I don’t think so. Well, maybe? I don’t know. My ears are ringing.”

“Give me a second to catch my breath and I’ll take care of you,” he promised.

“It’s okay,” she panted, smiling. “I’m fine.”

He sat up and looked down at her. “Come on. Let me make you feel good.” He kissed her neck, biting gently at her skin, and her breath hitched in her throat. “These garters are fucking sexy,” he murmured, kissing his way down her stomach and arriving at the inside of her thighs.

“Mmmm, I thought that you’d like — _Oh_.” She arched her back off the mattress. “Oh my god. Oh, fuck. Don’t stop doing that.” She ran her fingers through his hair as he used his tongue to make her scream, having to finally push his face away after a few minutes when it was too much.

“Can you go again?” Lupin asked hopefully, his hand stroking himself as she lay on the bed, gasping for breath.

Her eyes widened at the sight of his erection. “Holy shit. _Again_?”

He shrugged, looking at her with dark eyes.

“You’ve been holding out on me, almost-full-moon Remus. Can we move over to the couch?” Tonks suggested, grinning.

He scooped her up in his arms and carried her over there, dumping her on the couch in a fit of giggles. He sat down next to her, and she swung her leg over him until she was sitting exactly on top of his cock, which concentrated his attention wonderfully. She sunk down on him slowly, dropping her head back with a moan. Lupin’s heart was pounding, his hands on her ass, guiding her up and down.

Tonks leaned forward with a kiss, grinding against him with each roll of her hips. She exhaled sharply and bit her lip. “This one’s my favorite. Oh my god.”

He kissed her neck, her breasts, her mouth. “You like this?”

“It’s so good. You’re just — _oh, god_ — you hit me in all the right places. Are you okay?” She put both hands on his face and looked deep into his eyes.

“I’ve never been better, Dora.”

She gripped the back of the couch and leaned into him, sobbing loudly each time he thrust up inside of her. “Don’t stop. I’m so close. Just like that —”

Her entire body shuddered and she cried out, squeezing her eyes shut and digging her fingernails painfully into his shoulder. He wrapped both his arms around her and held her up as she sagged against him.

Lupin stilled inside her, his erection throbbing. “You okay? You done for?”

She laughed. “Uh huh. I think I need to take a break for a while.”

“Okay.” He lifted her off him and laid her down on the couch, then got up and returned with a glass of water. He sat down and pulled her legs across his lap, took a gulp, and handed her the glass. She sat up and took some sips gratefully.

“Did I hurt you?” he asked in a small voice, his eyes filled with worry.

“I mean, I’m probably not going to be able to walk straight for a day or two,” she said with a smirk. “But I did ask for it. I’m okay. I promise. I love you, Remus.”

“I love you too,” he said, kissing her knee.

“My whole body is all tingly. My ears are ringing. I just feel good. Like, everywhere.”

Lupin bit his bottom lip, still aroused, and started playing with the garter clasps at the top of her stockings, lightly teasing up the insides of her thighs.

“Stop! Seriously. I can’t even handle that right now. Let me come down.”

“Ugh. Okay, fine,” he relented. “You’re just so fucking beautiful.”

She grinned at him, leaning back against the pillow. “I’m really glad we could get away from everything — and everybody. And to not have to be quiet.”

“Mmmm,” Lupin agreed, resisting the urge to run his fingers up and down her legs. “For the record, I really love these stockings. More of that please.”

“Good to know. Come here.”

He lay down next to her on the pillow, wrapping his arms around her as she curled up against him.

“So... was that okay?” Tonks said him hesitantly. “You were so worried.”

“Are _you_ okay?” he asked.

“Uh huh. I’m good. Was it as bad as you thought?”

Lupin took a deep breath. “I definitely got riled up. But you kept me grounded, pulled me back from the edge.” He paused. “I don’t know if I like having my hands tied up like that thought.”

“No? Okay. We don’t have to do that again.”

There was a long pause. “Well, I don’t know. Maybe I liked it. A little.”

Tonks laughed, kissing his jaw.

They lay there for a few quiet moments, her head on Lupin’s chest, listening as his heart finally settled down. She was almost drifting off to sleep when his words jolted her awake.

“Hey, Dora?”

“Mmmmm?”

“Let’s not go back,” Lupin whispered, barely audible as he clung to her in the dark. “Let’s just stay here. We’ll find a place to live and just forget about that whole mess back home.”

“Wait — _what_?” She sat up. 

“Let’s not go back,” he repeated.

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah,” he breathed, looking at her with wild eyes. “I am. All of that shit — it’s not good for us, you know?”

Tonks swallowed. “Oh my god. I guess I really never thought about that. About leaving. I thought you said Dumbledore needed you for a job?”

“He’ll find another way. We could have a life, you and me. A normal life. Well — sort of normal.”

Tonks bit her lip, looking at him in the moonlight. “Is this real?”

Lupin nodded.

She lay against his chest and listened to his heart thudding. “Oh my god,” she repeated.

“I love you, Dora. I feel like I’m suffocating back home. I just want you. Nobody’s ever loved me like you do. Let’s just start all over.”

Tonks felt like she couldn’t breathe. “Holy fuck. I don’t know what to say.”

“Do you love me?” Lupin asked her earnestly.

Her face softened. “You know I do.”

“Then run away with me,” he begged with intense eyes.

She looked at him for a long moment, barely breathing, her whole body shaking. Then she nodded, the love she had for him written all over her face. “Okay.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

Lupin closed his eyes and pulled her tight against him. “I fucking love you.”

“I love you, Remus.”

His hand was between her legs again, and this time she let him touch her.

He pulled her down to the floor and unclasped the straps of her garter belt, peeling the stockings down her legs until she was completely naked. He hovered above her, a slightly shocked look still on her face.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“Uh huh,” she nodded, her chest feeling tight as she lay flat on her back on the floor. He ran his hand up the insides of her thighs and she let her knees fall apart.

He slowly pushed his cock inside her again, and she let out a contented sound, her hands on either side of his face. He took his time, not hitting quite so deep because of the angle, pulling all the way out and re-entering her deliberately. Each time he slid inside, she let out a quiet, breathy moan, their eyes locked intensely on each other. Lupin could feel his heart pounding, but for once it wasn’t because he was nervous or scared.

“I’m gonna come again,” he told her. “You?”

“Mmm, I don’t know,” she groaned. “Maybe? It feels really good, but I’m not quite there.”

He looked at her intensely. “Touch yourself.”

She bit her lip. “Yeah?”

“Uh huh.”

She dropped her hand between her legs and started drawing tight circles around her clit, her mouth dropping open as she felt the tension start to build in her body.

“I’m getting really close,” he warned.

“Wait for me,” she begged. “Please. I’m getting there. Don’t stop.”

Lupin closed his eyes and gritted his teeth, struggling to keep his thrusts restrained, staying with the rhythm to bring her over the edge.

“Oh. Oh my _god_.” Tonks’ hand stilled, but he continued to fuck her through her orgasm. She buried her face in his neck, her nails digging painfully into his shoulder.

He followed right behind with a loud, satisfied grunt as he exploded against her cervix, finally stilling inside her.

“Holy shit,” she whispered, her eyes wide.

He grabbed his shirt from the floor to clean up and rolled off of her, lying on his back next to her on the rug.

Tonks reached for his hand. “See. You didn’t need to worry. That was so good.”

He sat up and kissed her lips. “You kept me focused.”

“Yeah?”

“Mmm hmm. You’re good for me,” Lupin said. He kissed her neck and then stood up, scooping her up in his arms and laying her back down on the bed, and then he joined her under the sheets.

She rested her head on his chest, running her fingers over his scars.

Lupin closed his eyes, his arms tightening around her waist. “Dora, you’re all I need. We can stay right here in this room forever for all I care. Or anywhere else, really. I just can’t go back there.”

Tonks swallowed hard, but didn’t say anything.

“I love you,” he told her, pressing his lips to the top of her head. “So fucking much.”

“I love you too,” she whispered, her eyes wide open.


	27. Why Can’t We Just Have a Normal Life?

**May 1, 1996**

The next morning, Lupin woke to find the bed beside him empty. He blinked his eyes open and sat up, looking around the room in confusion, trying to figure out where Tonks could be. Then he realized that the bathroom door was closed, and he heard the shower running.

A few minutes later, she emerged in a cloud of steam with a white towel wrapped around her. “Hey,” she smiled at him. “You’re awake.”

“Morning,” he grinned, but then his eyes narrowed. He got up and quickly strode over to her, running his fingers over a series of purple bruises down her neck and shoulder. “What happened here?” he asked, looking concerned.

Tonks looked up at Lupin, biting her lip. “You happened, babe.”

He looked confused for a second, but then horror crossed his face as her words sunk in. His hand covered his mouth. “No. _No._ Oh, fuck. I did that?”

She shrugged. “I’m okay. You just… grabbed me a little harder than usual is all.”

Lupin stepped back with a tight look on his face, and then he yanked on her towel until it fell to the floor. Tonks looked down at her feet and sighed heavily as his eyes traveled frantically over her naked body, surveying the dark blotches that marred her pale skin — on her arms, her legs, her breasts, her torso. 

He laid his hand gently on her hip to match the finger-shaped marks he’d left behind and winced. “A little? Jesus fucking Christ. Why didn’t you stop me, Dora? Why didn’t you tell me I was hurting you?”

“Remus, I’m fine,” she assured him, picking up her towel and wrapping it back around herself. “I mean, everything is sore. You’re not getting any today. Or possibly for the next two weeks. But I’m good. I’m the one who wanted to do this, remember?”

He shook his head. “I’m not okay with this.”

“Hey,” Tonks said softly, reaching out to touch his cheek. “I’m fine. _Really_. Last night was... wow. I mean, after that many orgasms, a few bruises almost seem worth it,” she teased, stepping up on her toes and kissing him gently on the lips.

Lupin just cringed.

Why don’t you grab a shower, love? You’ll feel better.”

“Fuck.”

“Well, I’m starving,” she said, changing the subject with a smile, her tone light as she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him. “Wash up, get dressed, and then I’m taking you out to breakfast. I want someone to make me a fucking omelette.” She went over to her suitcase, grabbing a pair of jeans and a top, dropping her towel to the ground as she put on her bra and pulled the long-sleeved shirt over her head.

Lupin tried to swallow the lump in his throat and went into the bathroom, trying his best to relax under the warm spray of the shower. When he came out, Tonks was having a cup of coffee on the balcony, looking out over the city and the castle on the cliff.

He sat down on the ground next to her, pressing a kiss to her knee, and rested his head in her lap. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “My biggest fear has always been that I’d hurt you.”

“I’m fine,” she insisted, her fingers in his hair. “I promise. Bruises heal.”

Lupin hugged her around the waist and took a deep breath. “The full moon is coming the day after tomorrow. I’ll need to go.”

“I know.”

“What are you going to do when I’m gone? Do you want to start looking for a place for us?”

Tonks looked down at him. “Here?” she croaked.

He shrugged. “Could be here. Could be somewhere else. I don’t care. I’ll go anywhere with you.”

“Anywhere, huh? Just not back to Grimmauld Place?”

He looked up at her with furrowed brows. “Do you want to go back there?”

“Well, I don’t know. How would it work? Like, we just never come back? Wouldn’t they worry that something happened to us? And, like... come and try to find us? Or would we actually go back and tell them we were leaving?”

“Did you tell anyone where we were going?”

She shook her head.

“Neither did I. We could just… disappear.” As Lupin spoke the words, he realized how much he really wanted to, especially with Dumbledore’s latest job request hanging over his head.

“Holy shit.” Her mind was racing.

“What are you thinking?” he asked.

Tonks swallowed hard. “My parents —” 

“We could get word to them. Let them know you’re safe.”

“What about everyone else? Sirius, Dumbledore, Kingsley, the Weasleys, Harry… you’d let them all think — what? That something bad happened to us? That seems like a shitty thing to do to people we care about.”

Lupin was quiet for a long moment. “Yeah. Okay. You’re right. Well, maybe we send them an owl, letting them know we’re okay but we’re not coming back?”

Tonks leaned back a little more in the chair, giving him a strange look. “Huh,” she breathed.

“I love you,” he said. 

“I love you too.”

“I only need you.”

She nodded. “Look. I don’t know if you’ve thought this through, Remus.”

Lupin took a deep breath. “There’s not a future for us back there. We need to get away from all of that. It’s too much. We’ll both end up dead if we go back.”

Tonks’ eyes went wild. “Why would you say that?”

“We’re fighting Voldemort. Our line of work doesn’t exactly make for happy endings.”

She just stared at him with a worried expression on her face.

“These past few days... walking around this city with you, not worrying about the next job, or trying to find a quiet corner to hear my own thoughts in that dark, crowded house. I’ve never felt better, more relaxed. I only want to be with you, Dora.”

“Remus —” 

“Please. We can’t go back. If we do…”

“What is it? Why are you suddenly so intent on walking away?” asked Tonks, desperate to understand.

“I don’t want to lose you,” he choked out.

She smiled down at him, holding his face in her hands. “You won’t lose me.”

Lupin wrapped his arms around her waist. “I will,” he whispered.

“Is something wrong?”

“No,” he lied.

She held him, swallowing hard.

“Last night you told me you would run away with me,” he reminded her. “Did you change your mind?”

“No…” She paused. “I’m just still processing. It’s a lot to take in, Remus.”

“I know.”

“Have you been thinking about this for a while?” she asked.

“No. It just happened.”

“Hmm. Okay…”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“You said that with a tone. What’s on your mind, Dora?”

“Don’t get upset with me, Remus. This is a huge decision. I just want to be sure you’re serious and this isn’t some whim after a fun night out on vacation. In the light of day, you still want to do this?”

“More than anything.”

“Okay, okay.” She played with the hair on the back of his neck, and he rested his head on her knee.

“Imagine it. No overnight jobs, no more dangerous encounters with Death Eaters, no having to pretend to be someone else to get information.”

“Right. But isn’t that we signed up for? Willingly?”

Lupin sighed. “Do you want to go back?”

Tonks’ brow creased. “I mean, yes, Remus. It’s what I’ve always wanted. Working for the Order, feeling like I’m making a difference. But I want to be with you too.”

“Please,” he whispered, his voice cracking.

“Okay,” she relented finally, nodding slowly. “We won’t go back.”

“Thank you,” murmured Lupin, holding onto her more tightly than before.

They both sat in silence. He clung to her with shuddering breaths, and she tried to ease the anxiety that was quickly spreading throughout her whole body.

***

Tonks was still working to calm her mind as they spent their last day in Edinburgh. They went out to a late breakfast at the coffee shop on the corner and then walked down by the castle, their hands intertwined.

“You’re quiet,” Lupin observed.

“Just thinking,” she said, a little smile on her face.

He kissed her forehead. “Could you see us living here?”

Tonks shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe?”

“I don’t care where we go. You pick.”

She nodded. “Okay.”

Lupin wrapped his arm around her shoulders.

***

**May 2, 1996**

Tonks woke at four in the morning. The bed was empty; Lupin’s side was cold, like he’d been gone for a while. She got up and grabbed a blanket from the bed, wrapping it around her shoulders. She walked outside to find him sitting on the balcony, just sitting and staring.

“Hey,” she said softly.

“Hey.” Lupin didn’t turn to look at her, and his voice sounded strained.

“You okay, Remus?”

He shrugged.

“Did you even sleep?” asked Tonks, her worry mounting.

Lupin shook his head.

“Oh, love.” Tonks climbed into his lap, still wrapped up in the blanket. She rested her head against his.

He finally spoke in a defeated voice. “I’m sorry, Dora. I don’t know what I was thinking. We can’t stay here. We have to go back.”

She nodded. “I know.”

“Are you mad at me?”

“No. I’m not mad. You got wrapped up in the moment. And it was fun to pretend for a little while.”

“I wasn’t pretending, Dora. I meant it when I said it. Why can’t we just have a normal life?” he choked out, hanging his head.

A tear rolled down Tonks’ cheek, and she swallowed the lump in her throat. “Because we’re not the kind of people who sit by while others risk their lives, Remus.” She smiled at him and wiped her tears away. “If it’s important, we get involved. It’s why I love you. You’re brave, you’re dedicated, you don’t shy away from responsibility.” She looked at him with adoration and rubbed her thumb over the scar over his eyebrow.

Lupin felt a sudden sharp, stabbing sensation in his chest as her words sunk in. She didn’t realize it, but she’d just cemented a big decision for both of them, one he was dreading, but on some level, one he always knew was inevitable. Fuck.

He held tightly to her and blinked hard, looking out at the sun starting to rise over the city, wondering how he was possibly ever going to tell her about Dumbledore’s plan. She pressed her lips to his cheek and wrapped her arms around his neck, and his heart broke into a million little pieces.


	28. I'm Worried About You

**May 8, 1996**

Lupin came back from the most recent full moon feeling strange. He had visited where the werewolves resided, observing how they lived to see how he could sway opinion, if he were to accept Dumbledore’s assignment. It was the antithesis of everything he loved about his life now, and the idea of staying there was loathsome to him.

It felt like such a betrayal for Dumbledore to ask this. He had been the one who had thrown Remus a lifeline, first when he found a way for him to attend Hogwarts all those years ago, and later employing him as a teacher, the only job he’d ever loved. And now it was as if all of that was coming undone; an offer of humanity rescinded.

Lupin was understandably bitter and demoralized when he got back to Grimmauld Place. Dumbledore was sitting at the desk in the drawing room, and glanced up. “Ah. Welcome back, Remus.”

He slumped into one of the armchairs, closing his eyes and rubbing at his temples with his hand. Dumbledore was just about the last person he wanted to see right now. “What’s new, Albus?”

“Oh, a fair amount, I’d say. I’ve been ousted from Hogwarts.”

Lupin sat up and his eyes flew to Dumbledore. “Wait. _What_?”

Dumbledore sighed. “Yes. I’m afraid it all happened rather quickly. Harry’s secret student organization was discovered, so I took responsibility. Naturally, Fudge tried to arrest me, but of course, I didn’t really feel that was a good option. So here I am.”

Lupin’s jaw had dropped open. “Holy shit, Albus.”

“Holy shit indeed.”

“Who did they name the new headmaster?”

“Dolores Umbridge.”

“Fuck,” Lupin muttered, shaking his head.

“Yes.”

“What are you going to do?”

Dumbledore cleared his throat. “I’ll be around here more. I’ve also been researching some theories. I believe they may become important in the end.”

Lupin knew better than to ask for more details than the man willingly provided.

“I hate to bring it up, Remus, but it’s been a few weeks since we last talked. Have you given my request any more thought?”

Lupin looked at him darkly, and nodded his head. “I’ll do it. I just need a little more time before I leave. Please, Albus.”

Dumbledore pressed his hands together, his eyes looking pained. “I wish I could give it to you. But this is important. We need you as soon as possible.”

“ _Please_. Just give me one more month.” Lupin’s voice cracked as he begged.

Dumbledore’s eyebrows furrowed. “Have you told Nymphadora yet?”

Lupin was silent, hanging his head in his hands.

Dumbledore sighed. “Of course, Remus. I understand. Get your business in order. But I’m afraid we will need you, and soon. We can hold off one more month, maybe two.”

Lupin nodded miserably. “I’m sorry, Albus, but I’m just getting back. I really could use some sleep. If you’ll excuse me?”

“By all means. Rest up. We’ll talk again soon.”

Lupin went upstairs and crashed on his bed, a pit in his stomach. He closed his eyes and tried to push it all away as exhaustion took over his body and he faded off to sleep.

***

Remus woke at three o'clock in the morning to find Tonks in bed next to him, having come to spend the night after her shift. His chest felt unbearably tight as he wrapped his arms around her warm body, and she let out a little sigh in her sleep. How many more days like this did he have?

It was hard not to feel like a part of him was dying. In fact, he found himself wondering if dying would be less painful than leaving her.

He’d heard the saying that it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but he wasn’t sure if he agreed. Knowing that this kind of happiness was possible, and then having it ripped away from him, was too much to bear. He almost wished he’d never met her, that he’d never allowed himself to feel this way.

***

**May 12, 1996**

Lupin and Tonks were in the drawing room one afternoon a few days later. He sat at the desk, pouring over his handwritten meeting notes, while she lounged in a chair, reading a book, barefoot in baggy sweatpants and a t-shirt.

Tonks glanced over at Lupin, looking concerned. “Hey. You okay? I’m worried about you.”

He looked up. “What?”

She closed her book and sat up. “I thought Edinburgh would be good for us. But... I feel like things are just weird now.”

Lupin gave her a sad smile. “No. It was good. It was _really_ good. I loved it. Thank you for taking me. I’d never gone on vacation before, you know. It’s just been hard to come back to the real world.”

Tonks tilted her head. “I know. But I’m still here. And we can always go on another trip.” She grinned at him.

Lupin nodded, his chest painfully tight.

She walked across the room, hopping up on the desk and running her foot up the inside of his leg, her toenails painted dark red. “Hey. Wanna go upstairs?” she asked, raising her eyebrows mischievously.

Lupin’s hands found her waist, ghosting over the bare skin of her midriff and hooking his thumbs inside the elastic of her sweatpants. He swallowed hard and nodded at her. “Uh huh.” She always knew what he needed.

Tonks smiled and led him by the hand into his bedroom. As soon as he closed the door, she snaked her arms around his neck and stood up on her toes to kiss him. She pulled Lupin back with her onto the bed, sighing happily as he leaned his full weight against her. “I missed you,” she whispered.

“Mmm. I missed you too.”

Their lips found each other, and she felt his body start to relax, slipping his hands under her and around her waist to tug her even closer.

She reached for his belt and helped him pull down his pants, and a few minutes later, most of their clothes were scattered all over his floor. Only her bra remained, and Lupin unclasped it, peeling it off and discarding it over his shoulder on the ground. Tonks arched her back off the mattress and let out a throaty moan as his tongue swirled around each of her nipples, sucking them into his mouth gently.

He dropped his hand between her legs and raised his eyebrows. “Damn, girl. You’re ready, huh?”

“Uh huh,” she whispered, smiling. “Come here.”

He positioned himself and slowly plunged in her until he was as deep as he could go, her body stretching to accommodate him. They both let out a satisfied sigh.

Lupin grinned, seeming to come back to life as he made her moan. He hooked his arm under her knee, pulling her leg up and around him to get a different angle. Tonks gasped and beamed back at him, her cheeks flushed, her fists clenching the blankets.

Ten minutes later, they were both lying on their backs on the bed, gasping for breath. Tonks reached out for his hand, and Lupin smiled. “Hey there,” she said.

“Hi.”

“That was fun.”

“Mmm.” He pulled her up against him, kissing the top of her head, and his hand ran down the side of her body, resting comfortably on her hip. He closed his eyes.

They were quiet and still for several moments as their heart rates settled down. Then Tonks looked over at Lupin and took a deep breath. “Remus. What are you not telling me?” she whispered.

His eyes flew open. “What? What do you mean?”

She narrowed her eyes. “I know you pretty well. Something’s wrong.”

Lupin shrugged. “I don’t know. I feel foolish for the way I acted in Edinburgh. Guess I’m embarrassed.”

Tonks looked confused. “What? The running away thing? It’s fine, love. Who hasn’t been tempted to run away from their problems? Don’t be embarrassed.”

He swallowed. “I don’t usually make rash decisions. I don’t know what came over me.”

She laced her fingers through his and kissed the back of his hand. “We were out of town and you got wrapped up in the moment. Stop being so hard on yourself.”

“Well, vacation’s definitely over. It’s back to reality.” He grimaced.

“I wonder if we’re going to get to work together on whatever Dumbledore has planned for you. Do you need a partner?” She grinned and kissed up the side of his neck.

Lupin froze at her words, and she sensed it.

“What?” She sat up, looking at him closely.

He tried to recover. “Nothing. I’m just not sure yet about a lot of the details. Still need to meet with him again.”

Tonks narrowed her eyes a little, but then nodded her head slowly. “Okay.”

“Come here,” he said, his voice hoarse, and he pulled her back toward him, one hand in her hair, one gently stroking the small of her back.

“Mmm. I have to go to work soon,” Tonks reminded him.

“Shhh,” Lupin whispered, and she giggled as his lips crashed into hers, then he made his way down her neck and stomach before finally settling between her legs.

Oh. Well then. Maybe she could be a _little_ late… 

***

**May 18, 1996**

Lupin was starting to spiral. Being with Tonks buoyed his spirits, but when he didn’t see her for a few days at a time, he got stuck inside his own head.

“Is everything okay? You seem distracted,” Sirius asked. The two were sitting in the drawing room late one night with a couple of beers.

Lupin sighed. “It’s — complicated.”

“Always is with you, friend.”

“I don’t know. It’s been a weird month.”

“Yeah? You have seemed different since you and Tonks went away on your little trip. Did something happen?”

Lupin sighed. “No. It was — perfect. The best time of my life, probably. But then I let myself take things too far.”

Sirius looked confused. “Not sure if I even want to know what that means.”

Lupin closed his eyes. “We had these incredible couple of days together, and I got wrapped up in the moment and told her we should run away and never come back.”

Sirius raised his eyebrows. “And yet, here you are.”

Lupin smiled tightly. “Here I am. I came to my senses a little bit later.”

“How did Tonks take it when you changed your mind? Was she upset?”

“Honestly? She was fine. I’m pretty sure she knew as soon as I said the words that it wasn’t possible. She kept looking at me funny.”

“Okay. So what’s the problem?”

“I just can’t believe I lost my senses like that. It was so… reckless.”

“Reckless?” Sirius asked with a grin. “That’s very unlike the Remus I know.”

Lupin shrugged. “Guess I finally figured out why they call it madly in love. I haven’t been thinking clearly.”

“Well, take a step back. Reassess everything. I don’t know. You’ll figure it out.”

“Dumbledore wants me to go and live among the werewolves. Be a spy for the Order.” Lupin blurted out. He’d been dying to say the words aloud to someone.

Sirius raised his eyebrows. “Holy shit. For how long?”

“Indefinitely.”

“Wow. That would be —”

“Yeah.”

“Have you told Tonks?”

Lupin shook his head solemnly. “I can’t. Not yet. It’s like I just said. She affects my judgement. I don’t know. I need to think about this on my own first.”

“Huh,” said Sirius. “Well… you two could still try to make it work.”

“How?”

“I mean, you’ll come back to report to the Order, right? You could see her then.”

“What, one day a month? That’s not… ideal.”

“Obviously. Wartime isn’t ever ideal. But life goes on. Talk to her. Work it out.”

“I don’t know, Sirius. I think this is our breaking point. I always knew it would end someday. She can’t possibly want this forever. Me, living with one foot in each world, leaving her alone all the time. It’s not fair to her. She deserves a real life.”

“But that’s up to _her_ , Remus. I know Tonks, and I don’t imagine she’ll take kindly to the idea of you making these decisions for both of you.”

“That’s the problem. She insists that she wants this. But she doesn’t know how lonely it’s going to be. It’s just not — this is all such a bad idea, and I feel like a fool for getting her hopes up… for getting my hopes up.”

“These past few months, you’ve been — well, you haven’t seemed so much like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. Like you do right now. She’s really good for you. Why are you giving up on her?”

“I’m not giving up on her. I’m thinking rationally for the first time since we got involved. No one could possibly choose this life.”

Sirius smiled sadly at his friend. “Don’t sell yourself short, Remus. Or her.”


	29. The Dolohov Plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's almost the full moon, so Remus is already on edge... add in a dangerous mission spying on his sadistic nemesis that puts Tonks in harm’s way, and it’s a recipe for trouble.

**May 31, 1996**

Lupin had been distant for the past few weeks, and Tonks didn’t know what had changed between them, or what she’d done wrong. He wouldn’t talk to her about what was bothering him. She tried to give him space, but felt like she was losing him a little bit more with each day that passed. 

It was the night before the next full moon. Dumbledore was gone again, and Mad-Eye brought an important message at the next Order meeting.

“Alright everyone, listen up. We have it on good authority that Antonin Dolohov is in possession of the information we need about Voldemort’s plan for the prophecy.”

Lupin tensed at just hearing Dolohov’s name.

Mad-Eye continued, shaking his head. “We’ve gone at it from every angle, and we really only have one idea that makes sense. Dolohov seems to spill everything he knows to his wife. Her family is part of the Sacred Twenty-Eight, so she supports Voldemort’s side. And apparently, Dolohov likes to run his mouth at home.”

He turned his attention to Tonks. “We were hoping we could use your abilities to our advantage here. Can we count on you, Tonks?”

She swallowed hard and nodded.

“We need whatever information he has. I’m afraid there isn’t another choice. We’ve been keeping track of his habits. He leaves the house every morning by nine o’clock. We’ll get his wife safely out of the way, and you’ll take her place so when he comes home —”

“No. Absolutely not,” came Lupin’s hard voice from across the room.

“Lupin,” said Mad-Eye gruffly. “You haven’t even heard the whole plan.”

“It doesn’t matter. The answer is no.”

“Remus, please, I can do this,” Tonks insisted.

“No. End of discussion. I can’t even believe we’re considering it.”

“Look, Lupin, I know you’re feeling protective. But —” 

He cut Mad-Eye off abruptly. “But nothing. Not if she has to be alone with him, even just for one minute. Dolohov is a piece of shit. She’s not doing this.”

“Hey! You don’t speak for me,” Tonks replied angrily.

Kingsley voice was steady. “Remus, we’ve discussed protections that we can put in place. She can get a message to us if things start to go bad. We’ll be stationed nearby so we can look out for her.”

“Listen to Tonks,” agreed Sirius. “If she says she can handle it —”

“Stay out of this, Sirius. This isn’t about you,” Lupin warned, his voice raw.

“And it’s not about _you_ either, Remus,” Sirius leveled back calmly.

Everyone was quiet, tension hanging heavy in the air.

“We sat outside his house all night just a few weeks ago,” Lupin hissed between clenched teeth. “He beats his wife. We’d be putting her in serious danger.”

“I can handle whatever happens,” Tonks said defiantly. “I’m strong.”

“Of course you’re strong, love. But that doesn’t mean we should risk your life. There has to be another way.”

“Remus,” said Sirius. “Tonks can do this. Listen to her.”

“We’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this and putting an alert system in place for her, and we’re comfortable with the plan,” Kingsley assured him.

“What if she has to have sex with him to protect her cover? Are you all comfortable with that?” Remus asked pointedly.

Tonks’ eyes flashed and her face turned red as the room went silent.

Arthur was the first to speak up. “I’m not comfortable with that.”

“Neither am I,” Minerva jumped in quickly.

“She’ll be playing house with him overnight until he leaves again the next day — that’s the plan, right? I don’t think you’ve thought this through, and all that it could mean for her.” Lupin shook his head in frustration. 

“Let’s table this for now,” said Moody. “Emotions are running a little high. But we’re going to have to revisit this, Tonks. I wish there was another way, but I just don’t know.”

Tonks nodded at him, blinking hard. “It’s okay, Mad-Eye. I’m in.” Then she turned on her heel and walked out of the room.

Lupin followed her as she raced up the stairs. She was about to walk out the front door of Grimmauld Place when he caught up and blocked her exit. “Hey, wait. Dora, _stop_. Talk to me.”

She shook her head, scowling. “Not now. Let me go home and cool off.”

“Cool off about what?”

Tonks crossed her arms. “You embarrassed me. I hate it when you patronize me.”

“I’m just looking out for you. You should be _thanking_ me,” Lupin fired back.

She glared at him. “Oh, my hero. I’m so glad a big, strong man is around to tell me what I can and can’t do.” 

Lupin sighed with exasperation. “Come on. That’s not what I meant at all, Dora. They’re risking your life to get some bloody information.”

“ _Important_ bloody information. That’s what we do. Every job is a risk,” she countered, hands on her hips.

“Not like this one.” He shuddered and shook his head. “Can we go upstairs and talk?”

“Let’s talk tomorrow. I’m so fucking tired, Remus.”

“Please?” he begged. “Or I’m not going to sleep tonight. Give me ten minutes. Then if you still want to go home, be my guest.”

Tonks sighed. “Fine. Ten minutes.”

They went up the stairs in silence. She walked into his bedroom and turned on the lamp as Lupin closed the door behind them. Tonks sat on the edge of the bed, sinking into the mattress. Lupin leaned back against the wall to face her, folding his arms across his chest.

She sighed loudly, gesturing toward him. “You’re the one who wanted to talk. So talk.”

He took a deep breath. “You shouldn’t feel pressured to do this. This is a lot to ask. I can talk to Dumbledore.”

“ _You_ can talk to him? What’s that supposed to mean? You think I can’t speak for myself about my own assignment?”

“Of course. That’s not what I meant. I just —”

“Look, I know it’s personal for you with this guy Dolohov. I know. But I was trained for this, Remus. I’ve done things like this before.”

“Oh, believe me, I remember. Not quite sure how I could forget,” Lupin said coldly.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” she replied, narrowing her eyes.

“I can’t stop thinking about what happened to you before, and it makes me crazy that you’d even consider doing a job like this again.”

“Well that sounds like your problem, not mine. Get over it. I had to.”

“Stop being such a bitch, Dora,” he snapped, an unfamiliar edge to his voice. 

Tonks raised her eyebrows. “Wow. So, the full moon’s tomorrow and the asshole within is raring to go?”

A sudden look of shame crossed Lupin’s face. “Shit. I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I didn’t mean that.”

She took a deep breath, then looked at him, her eyes shining. “Hey. Let’s not fight,” she begged. “Please?”

He nodded. She stood up and stepped into his arms, leaning her head against his chest, and they were quiet for a long moment.

“They shouldn’t make you do this,” Lupin said finally, murmuring into her hair, his voice shaking.

“Remus, stop. It’s important. I can help,” she insisted firmly.

His eyes were wild with worry. “It’s a terrible plan.”

Tonks closed her eyes. “Oh my god. I’m done talking about this. I’m tired.”

Lupin shook his head. “I’m sorry, but I can’t let you. We’ll find a different way.”

“Can’t _let_ me?” Her face hardened. “Who the fuck do you think you are? You know, I used to think you protecting me was sweet, but now you’re just being condescending.”

“I’ve seen too many jobs go wrong in my time. You’re not doing this, Dora. It’s just not happening.” 

There was a finality to his tone that set Tonks off. She exploded in anger, pushing him hard with both hands. Thrown off balance, Lupin stumbled back, his eyes flashing. “I’m so sick of this, Remus! Why do you have to be such a goddamn control freak? Huh? Your life’s a mess, so you gotta tell me what to do with mine?” She shoved him again, even more forcefully this time.

Lupin’s nostrils flared as he seized her arms and twisted them painfully behind her back, his face an inch from hers. “Calm the fuck down, Dora,” he leveled at her in a menacing tone.

“Let go of me!” Tonks glared and wriggled against him to get her arms free, and when she couldn’t, she kneed him in the groin.

“Jesus Christ,” he grimaced, falling to his knees and doubling over.

She scrambled to get past him to the door, but he caught her around the waist and threw her onto the bed, where she landed with a grunt. He grabbed both of Tonks’ wrists with one of his hands and pinned them above her head, his other hand gripping her hip tightly. “Why you always hitting me, girl?” Lupin snarled, pressing his forehead against hers, breathing hard. “Huh? You better knock that shit off.”

Tonks set her jaw and looked back at him defiantly, her eyes blazing. “You know what? I think you kind of like it,” she taunted in an antagonistic tone, her heart pounding.

“Watch yourself, Dora,” he warned, his voice low.

She attempted to free her hands, but he just held on tighter, leveling her with a dark look. She squirmed and tried to buck her hips to push him off, so he pressed more of his weight down on her until she couldn’t move. Tonks huffed in frustration. “Oh. Wow. You’re just so strong. Are you getting off on this or something?”

“Yeah, a little bit,” Lupin admitted with a dangerous smirk. His hand that gripped her hip trailed up her ribs and along the side of her breast, making her shiver.

“Don’t fucking touch me,” she hissed, glowering at him as goosebumps formed on her arms and legs.

He raised his eyebrows. “Are you sure? You usually like it when I touch you. Do you think I can make you forget that you’re mad at me?”

“No. I hate you right now.”

Lupin sucked two fingers into his mouth, then snaked down her body and slipped his hand inside her underwear. Tonks’ eyes went wide and she exhaled sharply, her mouth dropping open as he penetrated her with them.

“What the fuck are are you doing?” she breathed.

“Do you want me to stop?” he said huskily, looking down at her with raised eyebrows. “You’re so wet. I think you like this.” He hovered above her with a hard look on his face, one hand still securing her arms above her, the other moving between her legs. “Are you still mad at me?” he murmured in her ear.

“You’re being an asshole,” she choked out angrily. “Are you enjoying yourself?”

“Aren’t you?”

“No,” she insisted, but she couldn't help but moan as he rubbed his thumb over her clit. There was a wild and unfamiliar glint in Lupin's eyes, and he was wearing an almost triumphant expression that made her feel uneasy.

Then he removed his hand from between her legs, and she heard him unbuckling his belt. A cold feeling of familiar dread suddenly spread through her whole body as she realized what was happening. “ _Stop_ ,” she whispered, her voice breaking. “This isn’t you, Remus. Look at me.”

Lupin's eyes widened and his face softened as he stepped away from the bed. “Fuck. Oh, fuck. Dora. I’m sorry. I... I...” He trailed off, looking horrified, his hands covering his mouth.

She sat up and readjusted her clothes, her fingers trembling as she brushed tears off her cheeks. “What the hell is wrong with you?” she spat out.

“Come here,” he urged, reaching out his hand. “I’m so sorry, Dora. _Fuck._ ”

Tonks shook her head and stood. “No. I’m gonna go home.”

“Wait, what?” He looked panicked.

“I don’t want to stay here tonight. Not with you. Not when you’re like this.”

“Dora.” Lupin stood up and grabbed her arm, but she pulled away. “Oh my god, Dora. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what that was. I’m sorry. Please don’t go. I have something I need to tell you. It’s important. I love you, I’m so sorry. It’s the full moon tomorrow, and there’s so much I’ve been wanting to tell you, if you’d just let me explain —”

Tonks shook her head again, not meeting his eyes. “I’ll see you when you get back, Remus,” she said quietly, and walked out his bedroom door, shutting it behind her.

Lupin sank down onto the bed, holding his head in his hands.


	30. He Was a Goddamn Wreck

**June 2, 1996**

Tonks walked up the stairs at Grimmauld Place after her shift at the Ministry, her feet feeling heavy. She hadn’t seen Lupin before he left for the full moon, and she had very conflicted feelings about everything that happened between them. She dragged herself up to the drawing room, collapsing in a chair next to Sirius.

He raised his eyebrows and smiled at her. “Hiya, Tonks. How’s it going?”

“Oh. Pretty shitty. You know.” She forced an overly fake smile at him.

Sirius laughed. “I do know actually.”

“Mmm. I imagine you would.”

“Drink?”

“God yes. Please.”

“So look,” he began gently. “I know you’re mad, but go easy on old Moony. He’s just looking out for you. I get that you’re frustrated when he tries to speak for you like that, but I understand his side too. This is a risky assignment. I don’t know what happened with you two after the meeting, but he was a goddamn wreck, Tonks. We’ve been through some truly awful shit in our time, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen him that upset before. Remember, it was right before the full moon, so if he said something, or did something, he wasn't himself —”

“You know what, Sirius? I don't want to talk about Remus. Not tonight.”

Sirius looked a little surprised, but then smiled and sat back. “Okay then. What do you want to talk about?”

She shrugged. “Literally anything else.”

“Is everything okay?” Sirius asked, concerned.

“No. Not really. But I’m not ready to go there yet.”

He nodded. “Okay. So what do you want to talk about?”

Tonks smiled at him. “Let’s talk about you. Hmm. What job do you think you would you have had if you… well, you know…?”

“Hadn’t ended up in Azkaban for over a decade and then became a wanted wizard forced to spend the rest of my days in hiding?” Sirius supplied.

“Exactly.”

Sirius threw his head back and laughed. “Huh. Great question! I honestly don’t know. In school I thought about wanting to work as a curse breaker at Gringott’s. Or maybe working with dragons? But I kind of stopped thinking about it once I got arrested. You kind of stop thinking about anything when you’re in Azkaban. And my path to a career has been a bit rocky ever since.”

“Understandable.” Tonks raised her glass to him.

“I think I’d have settled down eventually and gotten a real job. Maybe get married, get a house, have a couple of kids. Who knows what my life would have been like? It’s something I try not to think about too hard, or it can drive a person crazy.”

“Oh, yeah. I can imagine. Shit. I’m sorry I asked. Sometimes I don’t think before I just blurt out a question,” she winced.

Sirius turned to her. “No, no. You’re fine. We’re just making conversation. It’s nice to have someone to talk to, Tonks. I’m glad you’re around so much. It gets pretty lonely otherwise, you know?”

“Yeah.”

“I get a little crazy. I’m dying for a reason to get out of here. First chance I get.”

“I’m sorry, Sirius. I wish I could help.”

“I know. Thanks. So what else is new with you? Not related to Remus, of course.”

“Hmm. Not too much really. Work. Home. Seeing friends sometimes. Trying to get enough sleep to function. I don’t know.”

“Doesn’t leave much time for fun.”

She grinned. “I always have time for fun.”

Sirius laughed. “I like that about you.”

Tonks raised her eyebrows. “I brought some weed. Wanna get out that bong again?”

“Umm, absolutely. Be right back.”

***

**June 9, 1996**

Tonks walked in a few minutes late to the next meeting of the Order and slipped in the seat next to Molly, not even looking at Lupin. Everyone noticed the tension between them, but tried to pay attention to what Dumbledore was saying about the prophecy and what little he knew about Voldemort’s movements.

When the meeting ended, people lingered and chatted amongst themselves. Tonks stayed glued to her seat, doodling in her notebook, and didn’t make eye contact with anyone. Lupin remained in his chair too, his face tight as he watched her.

People started trickling out, a few casting concerned glanced toward the obviously tense couple. Sirius clapped Lupin on the shoulder on his way out of the room, giving his friend a sympathetic glance.

Finally, they were the last two people in the empty, cavernous room.

“Hey,” he said softly.

“Hi,” she replied, still looking down at her notebook.

“Where have you been?” he asked. “I came back two days ago. I figured I’d see you sooner.”

“I’ve been busy.”

There was an awkward silence as she failed to elaborate.

“Dora. I’m _sorry_.”

She didn’t respond.

“Are you okay?” Lupin asked cautiously.

She shrugged.

His eyebrows furrowed. “Say something. _Please._ I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”

Tonks finally looked at him. “I don’t know what to say, Remus.”

Lupin stood and walked around to the other side of the table, taking the empty seat next to her. He reached out for her hand, but she pulled away.

“I know I crossed a line. I would never —” His voice broke. “Dora, that wasn’t me.”

She didn’t reply.

He hung his head. “I hate how I act before the full moon. But that’s no excuse. I behaved horribly. You deserve so much better.” Lupin put his head down on the table, his shoulders shaking.

Tonks’ face softened, and she reached out and slipped her hand into his.

“I’m so fucking sorry,” he choked out, barely audible, pressing his lips to the back of her hand. “I went absolutely insane at the thought of that monster putting his hands on you in any way. I love you so much, Dora.”

“I know.”

“I always knew I’d hurt you. It was just a matter of time. I couldn’t control myself. I never want that to happen again. We should probably end things. It’s for the best.”

Tonks shook her head and exhaled sharply. “Shut up, Remus. I’m okay. I’ll be okay. It’s like you said — you weren’t yourself. I know it was because of the full moon.”

He hung his head in shame.

“You _were_ able to control yourself, by the way. When I told you to stop, you did,” she pointed out. She closed her eyes and swallowed hard. “I’ve been thinking a lot. I have been pushing you to be more aggressive in bed, and I think… I think that had something to do with what happened too.”

“Stop making excuses for me, Dora. I was an asshole.”

“You were definitely an asshole.” She paused, looking slightly uncomfortable. “I mean, part of me was actually a little turned on. But then the other part of me hates myself for even thinking that.” She shuddered. “Just please don’t twist my arms behind my back like that again,” she whispered, her voice breaking. “Please. You really can’t do that.”

His eyes got wide. “Why not?”

She shook her head. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

He looked horrified, but nodded. “Okay. I’m sorry, Dora. I didn’t know.”

Tonks took a deep breath and refocused. “Look, we’re in a holding pattern on Dolohov for now. But they’re going to need me, Remus. And it’s _my_ call, not yours. I need you to acknowledge that.”

“Okay. You’re right.”

“Yeah? You’ll let this go and you’ll trust me to make decisions for myself? And not talk to me like I’m a child in front of everyone?”

“Yes. Of course. I’m sorry. I love you.” He pulled her toward him and kissed her forehead.

She took a deep, quivering breath as she leaned into him. “I love you, Remus.” 

They were both quiet for several moments, Lupin stroking her hair. He felt his heart swell as he held her. Part of him had feared she’d never let him touch her again. She probably _shouldn’t_ let him. He’d foolishly thought that he could protect her from himself. But that was impossible. She’d already been through so much, and now all he’d done was contribute to her pain.

“Dora?” His voice sounded strained. “Can I ask you a question?”

“What?”

“Dolohov... is he the guy?”

“What do you mean?”

“The one who hurt you before.”

Tonks closed her eyes as she understood his question, and then shook her head. “Nope. Different asshole.”

“Then who was it?” he pressed.

“Why?” Her eyes flew open to look at him.

“I need to know.”

“All of a sudden, you need to know?”

“I just — _please_.”

“No.” 

“Why not?”

“What are you going to do with this information, Remus?”

“Just… if I’m ever face-to-face with him, I want to know.”

“So you can do what, exactly?”

“I — I don’t know. Probably kill him with my bare hands.”

“Yeah. That’s what I thought. Not happening.”

Lupin was quiet. “Is he still out there?”

Tonks swallowed. “As far as I know.”

“Have you seen him again? Since then?”

“No. And I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

He nodded. “Okay. I’m sorry. Are you going to stay tonight? Or are you going home?”

She shrugged. “Do you want me to stay?”

“I always want you to stay. Do _you_ want to stay?”

She nodded.

Lupin pressed a kiss to the top of Tonks’ head. “Come on, love. Let’s go up to bed.”


	31. The Department of Mysteries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm devastated that we've gotten to this part of the story and have to say goodbye to one of my favorite characters from the series. This chapter contains an excerpt from Order of the Phoenix.
> 
> Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be in the corner sobbing... 😭

**June 18, 1996**

Mad-Eye Moody arrived at Grimmauld Place with news to share: Dolores Umbridge, now acting headmaster of Hogwarts, had attempted to arrest Hagrid. When McGonagall tried to defend him, she was hit by four simultaneous stunning spells, and ended up in St. Mungo’s.

Moody swallowed hard. “I’m sorry, Tonks. Something big is going on, and I’m afraid we can’t wait any longer on Dolohov. Are you ready?”

Her jaw tightened and she nodded once.

“Okay. So here’s the plan. When Dolohov leaves the house tomorrow, we’ll stun his wife and get her out of there. You transform, take her place, and get what you need out of Dolohov when he comes home. Then when he leaves next, we’ll switch you two back.”

Tonks nodded again, her mouth in a tight line.

“And I’ll be nearby if you need me,” Lupin supplied protectively, squeezing her hand.

“Actually, Remus,” Sirius began, scratching his head. “We — _all_ of us — we think you should stay here with me.”

“ _What_?!”

“You’re too close to the situation. You could accidentally blow her cover, put her in more danger by watching too closely or intervening too soon and tipping him off. If she’s inside the house and he makes her as an imposter — she’s completely exposed and unprotected. Then what?”

“No,” Lupin whispered, looking at Tonks frantically. “You don’t want me there?”

“It’s not like that, Remus,” she pleaded, reaching out for his hand.

“If we’re sending you into the lion’s den, I _need_ to be there.”

“Moony, stop. I’m sorry but it’s decided. You stay put. You’re not thinking clearly,” Sirius said, grabbing his arm to pull him back.

Lupin whirled around and punched his best friend in the face, sending him reeling backward. Everyone gasped.

“No! Don’t!” Tonks grabbed Lupin’s elbow, but he shook her off. Her hands flew to cover her mouth, tears springing from her eyes.

Sirius grabbed his face, blood flowing down his mouth and chin. “I think you broke my fucking nose.” He grabbed a napkin off the table to stem the bleeding.

Lupin was wild-eyed, his body shaking, and looked ready to throw another punch.

Sirius twisted the bones of his nose, grimacing as he snapped them back into place, and tapped his wand on the bridge to repair the damage. “Look, old friend,” he leveled, trying to keep his voice steady, wiping his face on his sleeve. “I’ll give you a pass on that one. I get that you’re upset. But if you come at me again, I’m gonna have to hurt you, as much as I don’t want to.”

Tonks stepped in front of Lupin, clutching the front of his jacket with both hands. “Stop this. You need to trust me. I’ll be okay. This is important. And I can do it.”

Lupin let his body sag against her, all the other people standing in the room fading into the background as they stood around uncomfortably. He pressed his forehead against hers, clinging to her desperately. “If anything happens to you —”

She shook her head fiercely, blinking back tears. “It won’t.”

Just then, Snape’s head appeared in the fireplace. “Potter and a group of students are in danger at the Department of Mysteries. Death Eaters are going for the prophecy.”

Sirius stood up. “What? Harry’s in trouble? We’re on our way.”

“No, Sirius,” Snape insisted. “Send the others, but you stay here. Dumbledore will be here any moment. He needs to know what happened. And you know we can’t risk you being seen.”

Sirius cut him off. “If Harry needs me, I’m going. Come on, everyone.”

Tonks, Lupin, Mad-Eye, and Kingsley all nodded, and then they grabbed Sirius’ wrist. Together, the five of them Apparated into the Department of Mysteries.

***

***This section is directly from _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_ by J.K. Rowling***

Bellatrix turned and gazed up at Harry. “Now, Potter, give us the prophecy, or watch your little friend die the hard way!”

Harry did not have to think; there was no choice. The prophecy was hot with the heat from his clutching hand as he held it out. Malfoy jumped forward to take it.

Then, high above them, two more doors burst open and five more people sprinted into the room: Sirius, Lupin, Moody, Tonks, and Kingsley. Malfoy turned and raised his wand, but Tonks had already sent a Stunning Spell right at him. Harry did not wait to see whether it had made contact, but dived off the dais out of the way.

The Death Eaters were completely distracted by the appearance of the members of the Order, who were now raining spells down upon them as they jumped from step to step toward the sunken floor: Through the darting bodies, the flashes of light, Harry could see Neville crawling along. He dodged another jet of red light and flung himself flat on the ground to reach Neville. Sirius was dueling with a Death Eater ten feet away. Kingsley was fighting two at once; Tonks, still halfway up the tiered seats, was firing spells at Bellatrix.

Neville had come lunging out of nowhere: Unable to articulate a spell, he jabbed his wand into the eyehole of the Death Eater’s mask. The man relinquished Harry at once with a howl of pain and Harry whirled around to face him and gasped, “STUPEFY!”He keeled over backward and his mask slipped off. It was Macnair, Buckbeak’s would-be killer, one of his eyes now swollen and bloodshot.

“Thanks!” Harry said to Neville, pulling him aside as Sirius and his Death Eater lurched past, dueling so fiercely that their wands were blurs.

Then Harry’s foot made contact with something round and hard — for a moment he thought he had dropped the prophecy, but it was Moody’s magic eye spinning away across the floor. Its owner was lying on his side, bleeding from the head, his attacker was now bearing down upon Harry and Neville: Dolohov, his long pale face twisted with glee.

“Tarantallegra!” he shouted, his wand pointing at Neville, whose legs went into a kind of frenzied tap dance, causing him to fall to the floor again. “Now, Potter —”

He made the same slashing movement with his wand as Harry yelled, “Protego!” Harry felt something streak across his face like a blunt knife but the force of it knocked him sideways, and he fell over Neville’s jerking legs, but the Shield Charm had stopped the worst of the spell.

Dolohov raised his wand again. “Accio Proph —”

Sirius hurtled out of nowhere, rammed Dolohov with his shoulder, and sent him flying out of the way. The prophecy had again flown to the tips of Harry’s fingers but he had managed to cling to it. Now Sirius and Dolohov were dueling, wands flashing like swords, sparks flying from their wand tips — Dolohov drew back his wand to make the same slashing movement he had used on Harry and Hermione.

Springing up, Harry yelled, “Petrificus Totalus!” Once again, Dolohov’s arms and legs snapped together and he keeled over backward, landing with a crash.

“Nice one!” shouted Sirius, forcing Harry’s head down as a pair of Stunning Spells flew toward them. “Now I want you to get out of —”

They both ducked again. A jet of green light had narrowly missed Sirius; across the room Harry saw Tonks fall from halfway up the stone steps, her limp form toppling from stone seat to stone seat, and Bellatrix, triumphant, running back toward the fray.

“Harry, take the prophecy and run!” Sirius yelled, dashing to meet Bellatrix.

“The prophecy, give me the prophecy, Potter!” snarled Lucius Malfoy’s voice in his ear, and Harry felt the tip of Malfoy’s wand pressing hard between his ribs.

“No — get — off — me! Neville — catch it!” Harry flung the prophecy across the floor, Neville spun himself around on his back and scooped the ball to his chest.

Malfoy pointed the wand instead at Neville, but Harry jabbed his own wand back over his shoulder and yelled, “Impedimenta!” Malfoy was blasted off his back.

As Harry scrambled up again he looked around and saw Malfoy smash into the dais on which Sirius and Bellatrix were dueling. Malfoy aimed his wand at Harry and Neville again, but before he could draw breath to strike, Lupin had jumped between them. “Harry, round up the others and GO!”

Directly above them, framed in the doorway, stood Albus Dumbledore, his wand aloft, his face white and furious. Dumbledore sped down the steps past Neville and Harry. He was already at the foot of the steps before the nearest Death Eaters even knew he was there. There were yells; one of the Death Eaters ran for it, scrabbling like a monkey up the stone steps opposite. Dumbledore’s spell pulled him back as easily and effortlessly as though he had hooked him with an invisible line.

Harry saw Sirius duck Bellatrix’s jet of red light: He was laughing at her. “Come on, you can do better than that!” he yelled, his voice echoing across the cavernous room. The second jet of light hit him squarely on the chest. The laughter had not quite died from his face, but his eyes widened in shock.

Harry jumped down the steps again, pulling out his wand, as Dumbledore turned to the dais too. It seemed to take Sirius ages to fall. His body curved in a graceful arc as he sank backward through the ragged veil hanging from the arch. Harry saw the look of fear and surprise on his godfather’s face as he fell through the doorway and disappeared behind the veil, which fluttered for a moment as though in a high wind, and then fell back into place.

Harry heard Bellatrix Lestrange’s triumphant scream, but knew it meant nothing — Sirius had only just fallen through the archway, he would reappear from the other side any second… But Sirius did not reappear. 

“SIRIUS!” Harry yelled.

But as he reached the ground and sprinted toward the dais, Lupin grabbed Harry around the chest, holding him back. “There’s nothing you can do, Harry —”

“Get him, save him, he’s only just gone through!”

“It’s too late, Harry —” Lupin urged in a hoarse voice.

“We can still reach him —” Harry struggled hard and viciously, but Lupin would not let go. 

“There’s nothing you can do, Harry… nothing. He’s gone.” Lupin’s face was etched with unbearable pain.

“He hasn’t gone!” Harry yelled.

He did not believe it, he would not believe it; still he fought Lupin with every bit of strength he had. Then Dumbledore had most of the remaining Death Eaters grouped in the middle of the room, seemingly immobilized by invisible ropes.

Lupin dragged Harry away from the dais, his eyes frantically searching the room. Mad-Eye Moody had crawled over to where Tonks lay motionless and was attempting to revive her. Lupin’s face was pale. “Let’s — let’s find the others. We need to get everyone out of here.” He turned away from the archway as he spoke. It sounded as though every word was causing him pain.

***

**June 19, 1996**

The next day, a bleary-eyed Lupin was sitting by Tonks’ bedside at St. Mungo’s Hospital. She still hadn’t regained consciousness, but her condition was stable.

Mad-Eye Moody came up and put his hand on Lupin’s shoulder. “How is she?”

“She hasn’t woken up yet. But they expect she’ll make a full recovery.”

“Thank god.”

“She’s not going through with Dolohov. Even when she wakes up. She can hate me all she wants, but we need to call it off, Mad-Eye. I can’t lose her too.” Lupin’s voice was quiet but firm.

Moody scratched his head. “Well, there’s no need now anyway. He was arrested at the Ministry and is being sent to Azkaban.”

Lupin sighed with relief. “Good.”

“She’ll be okay, Lupin,” Moody assured him, clapping him on the back. “She’s tough as nails, our girl. You hang in there, yeah?”

***

**June 20, 1996**

Lupin woke with a start in the hard, uncomfortable chair beside the hospital bed. He checked his watch. It was almost two in the morning. He sighed, resting his head in his hands, and then looked up at Tonks, still sleeping peacefully.

He’d tried to get some rest, but his dreams made it impossible. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw his friends’ dead bodies: Lily, James, Sirius. People he couldn’t save or bring back, no matter how hard he’d tried. Why was he still here when all of them were gone? Why did being alive feel like such an unbearable curse?

These haunting dreams about his friends were nothing new, except of course now Sirius was gone too. And Remus was terrified when his latest nightmare revealed a lifeless Tonks, lying in a pool of her own blood, her eyes blank, her face frozen in pure terror, the shadow of a wolf hovering over her corpse. Was it just his worst fear being revealed, or was this a premonition, a vision of things to come if they continued down this path? Was an untimely death the inevitable fate that awaited _everyone_ he cared for?

Lupin swallowed back the lump in his throat as he reached for her hand and pressed his lips to the back of it. He squeezed his eyes shut tight, a tear rolling down his cheek. God, he loved her so much. He’d never thought he would have a connection like this. He was desperate to cling to her, to hold on tight to the only good thing left in his world. But it was getting harder and harder to shake the feeling of dread that his mere presence in her life put her in danger.

***

**June 21, 1996**

Tonks blinked awake. A figure was hovering near her bed, but she couldn’t make out the face. Then she heard a voice she recognized immediately.

“You’re back,” Lupin croaked. He sounded odd, his tone relieved, but hollow.

“How long was I out?” Tonks asked, trying to sit up in bed, her throat scratchy.

“Three days,” Lupin replied. “You had me worried.” He squeezed her hand and pressed his lips to it tenderly. “I’m going to go get the healer, okay?”

A nurse came by with a potion for Tonks. “For your head.” Then she gestured toward Lupin. “He hasn’t left your side,” the witch told her with a wink. “He slept sitting up in that chair and refused to leave. You got a good one.”

The healer came by and looked into her eyes with a light, checking her heart rate and blood pressure while Lupin looked on, his hand running absentmindedly through his own hair.

“Hello, dear. Do you know where you are?” he asked Tonks gently.

“The hospital.”

“What year is it?”

“1996.”

“Do you remember your name?”

“Unfortunately,” she replied, grimacing.

Lupin shook his head, laughing for the first time in days.

The healer smiled. “Well, you took a nasty spill and got knocked around pretty hard. You should stay another night so we can keep an eye on you. Eat something, and rest up. I’ll be back in a bit.”

Tonks turned her full attention to Lupin. “So what happened? Last thing I remembered was battling with Bellatrix. I was holding my own, but I guess she finally got the best of me.” She shook her head in frustration, then looked back at Lupin. “Is everyone else okay? Did we protect the prophecy?”

Lupin’s eyes betrayed the heartache in his soul.

“Remus? What?” Tonks asked, terrified of what she was about to hear.

“Sirius,” he choked out, burying his face in his hands. “He’s — he’s gone. Bellatrix, she — she killed him, Dora. ” 

“No,” Tonks cried out, covering her mouth with her hand. “He can’t… no, no, _no_.”

Lupin pulled her close as her body convulsed with horrified sobs, silent tears streaming down his own face.

***

**June 23, 1996**

Two days later, Dumbledore had been reinstated at Hogwarts, and even Fudge and the rest of the Ministry had come to terms with Voldemort’s return. Lupin brought Tonks back to Grimmauld Place so he could take care of her. When they walked inside, it felt like they had been gone for a year instead of just a few days.

“Can we even still be here?” Tonks asked Lupin in a hollow voice. “The house isn’t ours; it belonged to Sirius.”

He nodded. “Dumbledore’s still the Secret Keeper for the location. And the house passed to Harry, who wants the Order to keep using it.”

“Oh.”

He looked at her pale face, dark bags under her eyes, and reached out to touch her messy brown hair. “You okay?”

She swallowed the lump in her throat. “It’s my fault,” she whispered.

“What is?” Lupin said. He was so tired by this point he felt like he was outside of his own body as he heard the words spoken aloud.

“I let Bellatrix get the best of me. Left you all down one fighter. If I’d gotten her, she couldn’t have gone after Sirius.”

“Shit. You can’t do that to yourself. We could all play ‘what if,’ but it won’t do any good. It will just make you crazy.”

She looked up at him with shining eyes, blinking hard, and a tear rolled down each cheek, and wrapped her arms around his waist.

Lupin sighed, dead on his feet, and placed his arm across her back. “It’s not your fault, Dora. I promise.”

“It doesn’t seem real.”

Remus swallowed hard. He hadn’t let himself fully feel his best friend’s death yet. He wasn’t ready.

“I’m sorry. I’m over here crying and I’ve only known him for a couple years. But you and Sirius — I mean, do you want to talk —?”

“Oh, Dora. I’m so tired. Can we please just go to bed?”

Tonks nodded. “Of course.” She leaned against him as they walked up the stairs to his bedroom, their footsteps echoing through the otherwise empty house.


	32. Rare Comfort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. Don't hate me.

**June 24, 1996**

***This chapter is directly from _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_ by J.K. Rowling***

There was Mad-Eye Moody, looking quite as sinister with his bowler hat pulled low over his magical eye as he would have done without it, his gnarled hands clutching a long staff, his body wrapped in a voluminous traveling cloak. Tonks stood behind him, her bright pink hair gleaming in the sunlight filtering through the dirty glass station ceiling, wearing heavily patched jeans and a tight purple T-shirt bearing The Weird Sisters’ logo. Next to Tonks was Lupin, his face pale, his hair graying, a long and threadbare overcoat covering a shabby jumper and trousers. At the front of the group stood Arthur and Molly Weasley, dressed in their Muggle best, and Fred and George, who were both wearing brand-new jackets in some green, scaly material. 

“Hello, Harry,” said Lupin.

“Hi,” said Harry. “I didn’t expect... what are you all doing here?” 

“Well,” said Lupin with a slight smile, “we thought we might have a little chat with your aunt and uncle before letting them take you home.”

“I dunno if that’s a good idea,” said Harry at once.

“Oh, I think it is,” growled Moody, who had limped a little closer. “That’ll be them, will it, Potter?” He pointed with his thumb over his shoulder; his magical eye was evidently peering through the back of his head and his bowler hat.

Harry leaned an inch or so to the left to see where Mad-Eye was pointing and there were the three Dursleys, who looked appalled to see Harry’s reception committee.

“Good afternoon,” said Arthur pleasantly to Uncle Vernon, coming to a halt right in front of him. “You might remember me, my name’s Arthur Weasley. We thought we’d just have a few words with you about Harry.”

“Yeah,” growled Moody. “About how he’s treated when he’s at your place.”

Vernon’s mustache seemed to bristle with indignation. Possibly the bowler hat gave him the very mistaken impression that he was dealing with a kindred spirit, because he addressed himself to Moody. “I am not aware that it is any of your business what goes on in my house —”

“I expect what you’re not aware of would fill several books,” growled Moody.

“That’s not the point,” interjected Tonks, whose pink hair seemed to offend Petunia more than all the rest put together. “The point is, if you’re bad to Harry —”

“— and make no mistake, we’ll find out,” added Lupin pleasantly.

“Yes,” said Arthur, “even if you won’t let Harry use the fellytone —”

“Telephone,” whispered Hermione.

“Yeah, if we get even the hint that Potter’s been mistreated in any way, you’ll have us to answer to,” said Moody.

Vernon swelled ominously. His sense of outrage seemed to outweigh even his fear of this bunch of oddballs. “Are you threatening me, sir?” he said, so loudly that passersby actually turned to stare.

“Yes, I am,” said Mad-Eye, who seemed rather pleased that Vernon had grasped this fact so quickly.

“And do I look like the kind of man who can be intimidated?” barked Vernon. 

“Well,” said Moody, pushing back his hat to reveal his revolving magical eye. Vernon leapt backward in horror and collided painfully with a luggage trolley. “Yes, I’d have to say you do, Dursley.” He turned from Vernon to Harry. “So, Potter, give us a shout if you need us. If we don’t hear from you for three days in a row, we’ll send someone along.”

Aunt Petunia whimpered piteously. It could not have been plainer that she was thinking of what the neighbors would say if they caught sight of these people marching up the garden path.

“Bye, then, Potter,” said Moody, grasping Harry’s shoulder for a moment with a gnarled hand. 

Tonks pulled him close for a quick hug. “Bye, Harry,” she whispered, giving him a small, tight smile.

“Take care, Harry,” said Lupin quietly. “Keep in touch.”

***

**July 2, 1996**

The days between Sirius’ death and the next full moon blended together so much that they couldn’t tell when one ended and the next began. Lupin was withdrawn, and Tonks was depressed and ridden with guilt — the tightness in her chest just wouldn’t go away.

When the time came for Lupin to leave for the next full moon, he kissed the top of her head. “Don’t stay here all alone,” he urged her in a tired voice. “Go home. Stay with your parents. Please? I’ll be back in a few days.”

Tonks shrugged. “I’ll be okay.”

Lupin’s forehead creased with worry. “Take care of yourself.”

***

That night, Tonks poured herself a drink and sat in the drawing room at Grimmauld Place. She looked at the empty chair across from her, the one Sirius had occupied so many nights when they stayed up late talking and laughing. She had never felt so lonely before in her life.

Tonks raised her glass. “Miss you, friend,” she whispered. Then she took a long sip, grimacing as it burned down her throat. She drained the glass in one more swig and set it down, refilling it before she buried her head in her hands and sobbed.

***

**July 5, 1996**

Lupin trudged back into number twelve, Grimmauld Place after the full moon and found Dumbledore down in the kitchen. “Okay. I’ll do it,” he blurted out bitterly.

Dumbledore looked up in surprise. “Remus. Welcome back.”

Lupin sunk down in a chair across from him. “I’ll go be your spy. I can leave as soon as you need me.”

“I’m glad to hear that. Have you told Nymphadora?”

He shook his head solemnly.

“You should talk to her, Remus. I’ll admit, I was a bit surprised when I first learned about the connection you two had formed. But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. You’re both loyal and are driven to protect others. She has a very open heart. I imagine the two of you have found rare comfort in each other’s company.”

Lupin swallowed hard, feeling his chest tightening as he tried to push aside Dumbledore's words. “Where should I meet you?”

“There’s a cave where Sirius used to hide. Hagrid’s there, and he’s helped me assemble some strategy to go over with you. Can you be there first thing in the morning, the day after tomorrow?”

He nodded.

“Thank you, Remus. I know what a sacrifice this is.”

Lupin closed his eyes. “I’ll see you then, Albus.”

***

He walked upstairs from the kitchen just as Tonks was coming down the stairs with a stack of towels in her arms. She dropped them to the floor and ran to him, wrapping her arms around his waist.

“You’re back. I missed you.”

Lupin forced a smile, kissing the top of her head.

“How do you feel?” she asked, looking up at him.

He shrugged. “I’m tired.”

“Get up to bed, love. I’m heading to the Burrow to meet with Kingsley and Arthur. I’ll fill you in later. Go rest. I’ll bring you some food when I get back, okay?”

Lupin looked at her, reaching out his hand to gently cup her face. “I really don’t deserve you,” he said, his voice faltering.

She looked at him a little funny before leaning in to kiss him. “See you in a bit.”

***

**July 6, 1996**

The next night, Lupin cooked chicken and wild rice for dinner. Tonks walked into the kitchen, kissing him on the cheek. “Mmm. Smells good.”

He gave her a strained smile. They sat in silence, Lupin just pushing the food around his plate while Tonks looked on with concern.

“Do you want to go have a drink?” she asked him after they cleared their plates from the table. “Or should we go to bed?”

“I’m tired,” Lupin replied. “Can we just go to bed?”

“Of course,” she nodded, and they walked upstairs.

He closed the door behind them and lay back on the bed, closing his eyes.

Tonks forced down the urge to cry as she looked him closely. “Are you okay, Remus? You seem… I don’t know… _weird_.”

Lupin nodded. “I’m okay.”

“I’m worried about you,” Tonks said. “I know that after losing Sirius —”

He cut her off. “I’m fine. Really. Just tired.”

“Okay,” she said, unconvinced. She kissed him gently on the lips, then pressed a trail of kisses across his cheek, curling up next to him in his bed.

“I love you, Dora,” Lupin said, closing his eyes and swallowing the lump in his throat.

“I love you,” she told him. “I missed you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” She climbed on top of him, one knee on either side. “Did you miss me?”

He nodded, unable to form words.

She pulled her tank top up over her head, dropping it to the floor and grinning at him. “How much did you miss me?” 

He looked up at her and felt an unbearable tightness in his throat. “Come here.” Lupin pulled her down so she was lying flat against him, his fingers running up and down her spine. His heart was thundering inside his ribcage.

Tonks closed her eyes, her face pressed against his chest. “Remus,” she whispered. “What’s wrong? I feel like there’s something else.”

“I’m fine,” he lied. “Just tired. Stay here with me.”

“I’m here. But you know I don’t believe you. Listen. I’ll give you a pass for tonight. But then tomorrow, you have to tell me what’s on your mind. Deal?”

“Deal,” Lupin choked out.

Tonks reached for the waistband of his boxers. “Let me help you relax, love.”

“Dora, I —” 

“Come on.” She pushed her shorts aside and rubbed up against him. “It’s been a while. Don’t you want me?”

He looked up at her and nodded. He wanted her more than anything. He loved her so much it scared him. He’d managed to temporarily fool himself into thinking they might have a future together, but now his hope just felt like a cruel joke. He should have known that he was always meant to be alone. This moment was all they had left... one last time before he had to go.

She guided him inside her, not bothering to remove any more of their clothing yet, and he let out a low groan. Tonks rocked her hips slowly, tiny movements that sent waves pulsing throughout her whole body, and she whimpered into his ear as she got the friction she needed.

Lupin felt unable to breathe, and wrapped his arms around her shoulders. He closed his eyes and tried to commit every detail to memory — the smell of her hair, the curve of her hip under his hand, the sensation of being inside her, the soft, shuddering cries that came from her lips as she climaxed and then melted against him.

Tonks pulled herself up to a seated position, feeling him still hard inside her. “Mmm. You didn’t come yet,” she observed with a smile. Lupin shook his head. She rolled off of him, removing her shorts and tossing them to the floor. “Come here,” she beckoned, tugging off his boxers and pulling him toward her.

He looked down at her, her hair fanned out against the pillow, and felt a choking tightness in his chest. “You’re so fucking beautiful.”

“Get over here already,” Tonks whined, wrapping her legs around him as he slowly sunk into her. She grabbed two fistfuls of the blankets and gasped. “Goddamn, baby, you feel so good,” she sighed, and Lupin felt a stabbing in his chest. He closed his eyes and gripped the headboard, the bedsprings creaking, fearing it was probably the last time that he’d ever be inside her. Tonks moaned and dug her nails into his back with each thrust. He slammed into her one more time with a grunt, and then collapsed beside her on the bed. He felt like he was suffocating.

Tonks looked over at Lupin, who was still so obviously preoccupied. “I love you,” she told him, tracing her thumb over the scar on his eyebrow.

She already seemed so far away from him. The lump in his throat was unbearable, but he swallowed it down. “I love you.” He pulled her tightly against him so he didn’t have to look in her eyes, fearing he would betray what he was really feeling.

Within the hour, Tonks had drifted off to sleep, and Lupin gently pulled his arm out from underneath her. He stood up and dressed, then quietly packed his few belongings in a bag. He sat on the bed in silence for a moment, his head hanging in his hands. How had he gotten here?

He looked over at Tonks, who was still asleep, and he stroked her hair one last time. He saw the clothes scattered across the floor, and glanced back to her, naked in his bed. He couldn’t leave her like that. He slid his arm under her back, lifting her up slightly as he pulled her tank top back over her head.

Her eyes fluttered open. “Mmm, what are you doing?” she mumbled sleepily.

Lupin swallowed hard. “Getting your clothes back on.”

“Mmm. Why? I don’t mind,” Tonks smiled, her eyes closing again, as he pulled her shorts back up her legs and over her hips.

“You’ll mind tomorrow,” Lupin muttered sadly. He tucked the blankets around her and she rolled over, falling back asleep. Then, pressing one last kiss to her forehead, he slipped out in the night to meet Dumbledore.

***

**July 7, 1996**

Tonks woke up the next morning to sunlight streaming through the windows. She reached for Lupin beside her, but his side of the bed was cold and empty. She shot up suddenly, sensing that something was amiss. Or had she just slept too late, and he would just be downstairs drinking coffee in the kitchen, waiting for her?

She was about to get up and check the rest of the house when she noticed that his closet was empty, and the small stack of papers and books was missing from his desk. Then her eyes landed on a folded paper with _Dora_ scrawled across the front in Lupin’s messy handwriting leaning against the opposite wall.

“No, no no no no,” she whispered urgently, flying across the room and opening the note. She quickly read the short message and sank to her knees, unable to speak, breathe, or even cry.

> _My love,_  
>  _I’m sorry, but I have to go. I don’t know if I’ll be back._  
>  _Dumbledore needs me, and it’s really for the best. You deserve so much more than I can give you._
> 
> _Please don’t hate me —  
>  Remus_

Tonks felt the world turn on its side as she crumpled into a pathetic heap on the floor, devastated by a few scribbled lines.


	33. Thanks for the Tea and Sympathy

**July 28, 1996**

***This section is from _Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince_ by J.K. Rowling***

Harry and Dumbledore both approached the back door of the Burrow, surrounded by the familiar litter of old Wellington boots and rusty cauldrons; Harry could hear the soft clucking of sleepy chickens coming from a distant shed. Dumbledore knocked three times and Harry saw sudden movement behind the kitchen window.

“Who’s there?” said a nervous voice he recognized as Molly’s. “Declare yourself!”

“It is I, Dumbledore, bringing Harry.”

“Harry, dear! Albus, you gave me a fright, you said tomorrow morning!”

“We were quite lucky,” said Dumbledore, ushering Harry over the threshold. “Slughorn proved even more persuadable than I had expected. He’ll be joining our ranks for the new school year. It was all Harry’s doing, of course. Ah, well hello, Nymphadora!”

Harry looked and saw that Mrs. Weasley was not alone, despite the lateness of the hour. A young witch with a pretty, pale, heart-shaped face and mousy brown hair was sitting at the table clutching a large mug between her hands.

“Hello, Professor,” she said. “Wotcher, Harry.”

“Hi, Tonks.”

Harry thought she looked drawn, even ill, and there was something forced in her smile. Certainly her appearance was less colorful without her customary shade of bubble-gum-pink hair.

“I’d better be off,” she said, standing up and pulling her cloak around her shoulders. “Thanks for the tea and sympathy, Molly.”

“Please don't leave on my account,” said Dumbledore courteously, "I cannot stay, I have urgent matters to discuss with Rufus Scrimgeour.”

“Oh no, no, I need to get going,” said Tonks, her eyes on the floor. “Goodnight...”

“Tonks, dear, come to dinner this weekend to celebrate Harry’s birthday. Remus and Mad-Eye are coming...”

“No, really, Molly... thanks anyway... Goodnight, everyone.”

Tonks hurried past Dumbledore and Harry into the yard; a few paces beyond the front step, she turned on the spot and vanished into thin air. Harry noticed that Mrs. Weasley looked troubled.

“Well, I’ll see you at Hogwarts, Harry,” said Dumbledore. “Take care of yourself. Molly, thank you, as always. And please, pass along my best wishes to Arthur and all of the children.”

He gave Molly a small bow and followed Tonks, vanishing at precisely the same spot that she had. Mrs. Weasley closed the door on the empty yard, and then she steered Harry by the shoulders into the glow of the lantern on the kitchen table to examine his appearance.

***

“Wait, Nymphadora. Do you have a moment?”

Tonks sighed at the sound of Dumbledore’s voice and spun around on her heel slowly to face him. He still called her by her full name, but she didn’t dare to correct him.

He gave her a sad smile. “I’m afraid I must confess my part in Remus’ recent departure. I’ve asked him to be a spy for the Order, living among the werewolves.”

Tonks felt her stomach drop and her skin grow cold as she looked up at him, her mouth hanging open. “What?”

“He’ll be indispensable to providing insight and hopefully swaying some support for our side.”

She blinked hard. “He’ll be killed,” she choked out.

Dumbledore put his hand on her shoulder. “Remus can look out for himself. Yes, it’s dangerous, but I wouldn’t worry too much.”

Everything that happened in Edinburgh suddenly made sense. He’s known even back then. Of course he had. “He didn’t even say goodbye,” she mumbled.

Dumbledore sighed. “I think Remus is struggling to cope with all of this in his own way. I’m sure the two of you will have the chance to talk when he’s ready.”

Tonks closed her eyes and blinked hard. 

He looked at her closely. “Have you been staying at Grimmauld Place, Nymphadora? By yourself?”

She shrugged. “Mostly. I’ve been home a time or two, but —”

“I’m sure your parents would like you to be back home with them. You shouldn’t stay there anymore, all alone. It’s not safe. And it’s certainly not healthy.”

Tonks gave him a tight smile. “I’ll think about it. Thanks, Professor. Goodnight.”

***

**July 31, 1996**

***This section is from _Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince_ by J.K. Rowling***

Harry remained within the confines of the Burrow’s garden over the next few days. He spent most of his time playing Quidditch in the Weasleys’ orchard, and eating triple helpings of everything Mrs. Weasley put in front of him. It would have been a peaceful holiday if not been for stories of disappearances and deaths now appearing almost daily in the Prophet. Bill and Mr. Weasley usually brought home news before it reached the paper.

To Mrs. Weasley’s displeasure, Harry’s sixteenth birthday celebrations were marred by grisly tidings brought to the party by Remus Lupin, looking gaunt and grim, his brown hair streaked liberally with gray, his clothes more ragged and patched than ever.

“There have been more dementor attacks,” he announced, as Molly passed him a large slice of birthday cake. “And they’ve found Igor Karkaroff’s body in a shack up north. The Dark Mark had been set over it…well, frankly, I’m surprised he stayed alive for even a year after deserting the Death Eaters; Sirius’s brother, Regulus, only managed a few days as far as I can remember.”

“Yes, well,” said Molly, frowning, “perhaps we should talk about something diff…”

“Did you hear about Florean Fortescue, Remus?” asked Bill, who was being plied with wine by Fleur. “The man who ran…”

“— the ice-cream place in Diagon Alley?” Harry interrupted, an unpleasant sensation in the pit of his stomach. “He used to give me free ice creams. What’s happened to him?”

“Dragged off, by the look of his place.”

“Why?” asked Ron, while Mrs. Weasley pointedly glared at Bill.

“Who knows? He must’ve upset them somehow. He was a good man, Florean.”

“Talking of Diagon Alley,” said Mr. Weasley, “looks like Ollivander’s gone too.”

“The wandmaker?” said Ginny, looking startled.

“That’s the one. His shop’s empty. No sign of a struggle. No one knows whether he left voluntarily or was kidnapped.”

“But what’ll people do for wands?”

“They’ll make do with other makers,” said Lupin. “But Ollivander was the best, and if the other side have got him, it’s not so good for us...”

***

**September 1, 1996**

***This section is from _Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince_ by J.K. Rowling***

Harry could not move a muscle. He lay there beneath the Invisibility Cloak feeling the blood from his nose flow over his face, listening to voices and footsteps in the corridor. His immediate thought was that someone would, surely check the compartments before the train departed. But at once came the dispiriting realization that even if somebody looked into the compartment, he would be neither seen nor heard.

Ron and Hermione would think he had left the train without them. Once they arrived at Hogwarts and took their places in the Great Hall and finally realized that he was not there, he, no doubt, would be halfway back to London.

He tried to make a sound, even a grunt, but it was impossible. He was trapped. Would someone ever find him? Or would he die here, immobilized on a train? A feeling of hopelessness spread through him as he imagined the convoy of carriages trundling up to the school entrance, and the muffled laughter issuing from whichever carriage Malfoy was riding in, where he could be recounting his attack on Harry to Crabbe, Goyle, Zabini, and Pansy Parkinson.

The train lurched, causing Harry to roll over onto his side. Now he was staring at the dusty underside of the seats. The floor began to vibrate as the engine roared into life. The Express was leaving and nobody knew he was still on it.

Then he felt his Invisibility Cloak fly off and a voice said, “Wotcher, Harry.”

There was a flash of light and Harry’s body unfroze; he was able to push himself into a more dignified sitting position, hastily wipe the blood off his face, and raise his head to look at Tonks, who was holding the Invisibility Cloak she had just pulled away.

“We’d better get out of here, quickly,” she said, as the train windows became obscured with steam and they began to move out of the station. “Come on, we’ll jump.”

Harry hurried after her into the corridor. She pulled open the train door and jumped onto the platform, which seemed to be sliding underneath them as the train gathered momentum. He followed her, staggered a little on landing, then straightened up in time to see the gleaming scarlet steam engine pick up speed, round the corner, and disappear from view. The cold night air was soothing on his throbbing nose.

Tonks was looking at him; Harry felt embarrassed that he had been discovered in such a ridiculous position. Silently, she handed him the Invisibility Cloak.

“Who did it?” she asked, quietly.

“Draco Malfoy,” said Harry bitterly. “Thanks for… well…”

“No problem,” said Tonks, without smiling. From what Harry could see in the darkness, she was as mousy-haired and miserable-looking as she had been when he had met her at the Burrow. “I can fix your nose if you stand still.”

Harry did not think much of this; he had been intending to visit Madam Pomfrey, the matron, in whom he had a little more confidence when it came to Healing Spells, but it seemed rude to say this, so he stayed stock-still and closed his eyes. 

“Episkey,” said Tonks. Harry’s nose felt very hot, and then very cold.

He raised a hand and felt gingerly. It seemed to be mended. “Wow, thanks a lot, Tonks! Where did you learn to do that?”

She shrugged. “My dad. You better put that cloak back on, and we can walk up to the school,” said Tonks, still unsmiling. As Harry swung the cloak over himself, she waved her wand; an immense silvery four-legged creature erupted from it and streaked off into the darkness.

“Was that a Patronus?” asked Harry, who had seen Dumbledore send messages like this.

“Yes, I’m sending word to the castle that I’ve got you or they’ll worry. Come on, we’d better not dawdle.” They set off toward the lane that led to the school.

“How did you find me?”

“I noticed you hadn’t left the train and I knew you had that cloak. I thought you might be hiding for some reason. When I saw the blinds were drawn on that compartment, I thought I’d check.”

“But what are you doing here, anyway?” Harry asked.

“I’m stationed in Hogsmeade now, to give the school extra protection,” said Tonks.Harry looked at Tonks under his cloak. Last year she had been inquisitive (to the point of being a little annoying at times), she had laughed easily, she had made jokes. Now she seemed older and much more serious and purposeful. Was this all the effect of what had happened at the Ministry the night Sirius died?

He reflected that Hermione would have suggested he say something consoling about Sirius to her, that it hadn’t been her fault at all, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He was far from blaming her for Sirius’s death; it was no more her fault than anyone else’s (and much less than his), but he did not like talking about Sirius if he could avoid it. And so they tramped on through the cold night in silence, Tonks’s cloak whispering on the ground behind them.

Having always traveled there by carriage, Harry had never before appreciated just how far Hogwarts was from Hogsmeade. With great relief he finally saw the pillars on either side of the gates, each topped with a winged boar. He was cold, and he was hungry, but but when he put out a hand to push open the gates, he found them chained shut.

“Alohomora!” he said, pointing his wand at the padlock, but nothing happened.

“That won’t work on these,” said Tonks. “Dumbledore bewitched them himself.”

Harry looked around, “I could climb a wall,” he suggested.

“No, you couldn’t,” said Tonks. “Anti-intruder jinxes on all of them. Security’s been tightened a hundredfold this summer.”

“Well then,” said Harry, annoyed, “I suppose I’ll just have to sleep out here and wait for morning.”

“Stop it, Harry,” Tonks said sharply. “Anyway, someone’s coming down for you,” she said. “Look.”

A lantern was bobbing at the distant foot of the castle. Harry was so pleased to see it he felt he could even endure Filch’s wheezy criticisms of his tardiness.It was not until the glowing yellow light was ten feet away from them, and had pulled off his Invisibility Cloak so that he could be seen, that he recognized, with a rush of pure loathing, the hooked nose and black, greasy hair of Severus Snape.

“Well, well, well,” sneered Snape, taking out his wand and tapping the padlock so that the chains snaked backward and the gates creaked open. “Nice of you to turn up, Potter, although you have evidently decided that the wearing of school robes would detract from your appearance.”

“I couldn’t change, I didn’t have my —” Harry began, but Snape cut across him.

“There is no need to wait, Nymphadora, Potter is quite safe in my hands.”

“I meant Hagrid to get the message,” said Tonks, frowning.

“Hagrid isn’t here, so I took it instead. And incidentally,” said Snape, standing back to allow Harry to pass him, “I was interested to see your new Patronus.” He shut the gates with a loud clang and tapped the chains with his wand again, so that they slithered back into place. “I think you were better off with the old one,” said Snape, the malice in his voice unmistakable. “This new one looks weak.”

As Snape swung the lantern about, Harry saw a look of shock and anger flash across Tonks’ face. Then she was covered in darkness once more.

“Good night,” Harry called to her over his shoulder, as he began the walk up to the school with Snape. “Thanks for… everything.”

“See you, Harry,” mumbled Tonks.

***

**September 24, 1996**

Three months had passed by, and Tonks still hadn’t heard a word from Lupin. She took Dumbledore’s advice and stopped staying at Grimmauld Place. Her parents were glad to have her back, but whenever Andromeda tried to ask about Remus, Tonks just burst into tears.

Without Lupin, and without Sirius, Tonks felt utterly and completely alone. Work had become a tiresome slog, and she just felt numb all the time. Her friends tried to drag her out of the house to celebrate her birthday, but she had declined. She spent the night alone in her bedroom in her parents’ house, looking out the window at the moon. It was almost full.

***

**October 1, 1996**

A week later, after an extra shift at the Ministry, Tonks walked into Grimmauld Place to touch base with Moody about a job that she’d was scheduled to be working with him in a few days. She stepped into the drawing room and froze in her tracks; an extremely haggard-looking Remus Lupin was sitting in an armchair, speaking earnestly to Kingsley and Mad-Eye.

Lupin looked up at Tonks and stopped mid-sentence. He swallowed hard, clearly thrown off guard by seeing her again too.

Tonks just turned on her heel and left the room abruptly without a word, heading straight for the kitchen downstairs.

“Hey,” Lupin called after her, trying to catch up. Hot tears filled her eyes, and she picked up her pace, determined not to let him see. Then his hand was on her shoulder. 

Tonks spun around in the dark, narrow stairway. “What?” she choked out angrily.

He looked at her, the regret written all over his face. “How have you been?” he asked lamely.

She glared up at him. “Really? It’s been three months since you left in the middle of the night without saying goodbye, and you want to know how I am?”

“Dora,” he begged, his voice breaking.

“Don’t call me that,” she spat at him. “Fuck off, Remus.”


	34. It's Not Too Late

**November 7, 1996**

Lupin walked into the kitchen of the Burrow, which had become the main headquarters for the Order in the aftermath of Sirius’ death.

“Hi Molly.”

“Remus.” She hugged him tightly. “We don’t see much of you these days.”

He grimaced. “I know.”

“How have you been?”

Lupin shrugged. “It’s been rough out there, Molly. I don’t really want to think about it right now.”

“I understand. Have you talked to Tonks at all?” she asked gently.

He cast his eyes down at the floor. “She hates me, Molly.”

“You — didn’t exactly leave the right way, Remus.”

“I know,” he said, his voice full of regret.

“Why didn’t you say goodbye?”

He swallowed. “I’m terrible at goodbyes. I just couldn’t bring myself to talk about it with her, and... it was time for things to end between us. She wanted so much more than I could offer her, Molly. It would have ended eventually anyway.”

Molly smiled at him sadly. “She really doesn’t want all that much, Remus. She just wants you.”

He shook his head. “She’s young. She has options. Better, less complicated, more stable options. She’ll be okay.”

“I suppose she might,” Molly shrugged. “Do you still love her?”

A lump formed in Lupin’s throat. “Of course I love her. It’s only ever been her.”

Molly shook her head. “You’re too stubborn for your own good, Remus.”

He didn’t say anything.

“She still loves you,” Molly told him, patting his hand. “It’s not too late.”

Lupin forced a smile, suddenly feeling like he might be ill.

***

**December 24, 1996**

Each lonely week bled into the next, and Tonks felt herself just going through the motions, working to the point of exhaustion.

It was Christmas Eve, and she thought back to just one year earlier, when Lupin followed her down to the kitchen and they finally kissed. It was the first night she spent with him in that dark bedroom on the second floor at Grimmauld Place, and she remembered with a stabbing sensation in her chest how it felt, curled up against him under the blankets, kissing him with so much hope that it was the start of something truly magical.

And it really had been magical. But then he left, just like that. Like she meant nothing to him.

She leaned her head against her bedroom window at her parents house and closed her eyes. Tonks hoped that wherever Lupin was, he knew that she was thinking of him.

***

***This section is from _Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince_ by J.K. Rowling***

“What have you been up to lately?” Harry asked Lupin, as Mr. Weasley bustled off to fetch the eggnog, and everybody else stretched and broke into conversation.

“Oh, I’ve been underground,” said Lupin. “Almost literally. That’s why I haven’t been able to write, Harry; sending letters to you would have been something of a giveaway.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve been living among my equals,” said Lupin. “Werewolves,” he added, at Harry’s look of incomprehension. “Nearly all of them are on Voldemort’s side. Dumbledore wanted a spy and here I was…ready-made.” He sounded bitter, and perhaps realized it, for he smiled more warmly as he went on. “Sorry. I’m not complaining; it’s necessary work and who can do it better than I? But it has been difficult gaining their trust. I bear unmistakable signs of having tried to live among wizards, whereas they have shunned normal society and live on the margins, stealing — and sometimes killing — to eat.”

“How come they like Voldemort?”

“They think that, under his rule, they will have a better life,” said Lupin. “And it is hard to argue with Greyback out there…”

“Who’s Greyback?”

“You haven’t heard of him?” Lupin’s hands tightened convulsively in his lap. “Fenrir Greyback is, perhaps, the most savage werewolf alive. He regards it as his mission in life to contaminate as many people as possible; he wants to create enough werewolves to overcome the wizards. Greyback specializes in children. Bite them young, teach them to hate normal wizards. Voldemort threatened to unleash him on people’s sons and daughters, and it’s a threat that understandably produces good results.” Lupin paused and then said, “It was Greyback who bit me.”

“What?” said Harry, astonished. “When — when you were a kid, you mean?”

“Yes. My father offended him. I didn’t know, for a very long time, the identity of the werewolf who had attacked me; I even felt pity for him, thinking that he had no control, knowing by then how it felt to transform. Greyback isn’t like that. At the full moon, he positions himself close to victims, ensuring that he is near enough to strike. And this is who Voldemort is using to marshal the werewolves. I can’t pretend that I’m making much headway against Greyback’s insistence that we werewolves deserve blood, that we ought to revenge ourselves on normal people.”

“But you are normal!” said Harry fiercely. “You’ve just got a — a problem —”

Lupin burst out laughing. “Sometimes you remind me a lot of James. He called it my ‘furry little problem’ in company. Many people were under the impression that I owned a badly behaved rabbit.” He accepted a glass of eggnog from Arthur with a word of thanks, looking slightly more cheerful.

“Has anyone talked to Tonks?” asked Ginny.

Lupin sputtered into his drink, and Arthur clapped him on the back.

“I invited dear Tonks to come along today,” said Mrs. Weasley, setting down the carrots with unnecessary force and glaring at Lupin. “But she wouldn’t come. Have you spoken to her lately, Remus?”

“No, I’m afraid I haven’t been in contact with anybody very much,” said Lupin, looking down at his hands.

“Hmph,” Molly replied.


	35. I Need You Tonight

**March 9, 1997**

Several more months went by, and there had been no other sign of Lupin. Tonks knew he had to be meeting occasionally with Dumbledore and others members of the Order, but he hadn’t come by when she was around. Part of her began to wonder if she’d ever see him again.

Then, after work one night, Tonks walked into the drawing room at Grimmauld Place to find Remus, pouring himself a substantial serving of firewhisky.

“What are you doing here?” she asked quietly, standing in the doorway. Her short hair was dark brown and wavy.

Lupin swayed on his feet. “Tonks! I was hoping I’d see you.”

“You look like shit,” she leveled with a cold look.

He laughed. “Yeah, I probably do. But I’m feeling pretty good tonight.” He stumbled over to stand right in front of her. “God, I miss you.”

“Jesus.” Tonks shook her head. “Pull yourself together, Remus.”

“Want a drink?” he asked, turning to the bottle sitting on the bar behind him. “Here, let me get you one.”

“Seems like I’ll need seven or eight if I’m going to catch up.” She put down her bag and crossed her arms across her chest.

Lupin handed her a glass, his nose wrinkling, and gave her shoulder a playful shove. “You’re so funny, Tonks. You always made me laugh.”

She looked unamused. “Should we get you up to bed?”

“Mmmm… only if you’re coming with me.”

“Stop, Remus.”

“You know, Sirius would have been so mad at me for fucking things up with you. He was always rooting for us behind the scenes.”

Tonks grew quiet at the mention of Sirius, taking a long drink of her firewhisky, and closed her eyes as it burned down her throat.

“I found these old pictures,” he gestured to the table behind him, “and I just —” he trailed off, either unable to find words, or unwilling to share. He scratched his head and coughed.

Tonks walked over and picked them up, one by one. The Marauders, young and full of life and mischievous, their arms around each other and broad smiles on their faces. The original Order of the Phoenix, all the members standing together, tall and proud. Lupin and Sirius with James and Lily at their wedding, raising glasses to the happy couple. An older man and woman who she assumed were his parents. Besides his father, all of the people in the photographs were dead. Lupin was a survivor, but the isolation it left him with was overwhelming.

He came up behind her, looking at the picture in her hands of his younger self. “Not much of a look for me. Or should I grow my hair out again? What do you think?”

Despite her anger, Tonks laughed, running her thumb over his face in the photo. “I don’t know… I kind of like it.”

He rested his chin on her shoulder, breathing in the scent of her. “And then I realized I didn’t have a picture of you. God, I really wish I had a picture of you. But I figured if I sat around here long enough, I might get to see you again. And I was right. For once.”

He reached for the bottle and was about to pour himself another when Tonks put her hand on his, stopping him. “I think you’ve had enough,” she said quietly.

“No, one more, one more. We’ll toast to Sirius.” Lupin spilled more than he managed to get into his glass, and she took the bottle from him, refilling her own. “To Sirius Black, a miserable son-of-a-bitch who never gave up on me, and who correctly predicted that the lovely Nymphadora Tonks would save my life. I wish I had listened to him more.”

Tonks looked pained as she stared at Lupin, who drained his glass and slammed it on the counter. “I miss talking to you, Sirius,” she said quietly, almost to herself, and took a sip from her drink.

Lupin reached out and tucked a loose strand of dark brown hair behind her ear, cupping her face with his hand. “Your hair… it’s different.”

She sighed loudly. “Yeah. My hair is different. I’m tired, Remus. So fucking tired. These past few months have been hard. Losing Sirius, frustrating missions for the Order, the Ministry’s a mess… not to mention you skipping out on me in the middle of the night without even saying goodbye. Things are pretty shitty.”

“Dora, I’m sorry. For leaving like that. I’m terrible at goodbyes. I didn’t want to leave. But I had to go. Dumbledore needed me. And let’s be honest... you’re better off without me. It was going to end for us someday.”

“Not sure how you figure that, but okay.”

“I can’t even remember all the reasons I left,” Lupin admitted, hanging his head.

“Then come back,” she shrugged, feeling a bit pathetic about how hopeful she still was after all this time.

“I can’t.”

“Okay.” She turned to go, shaking her head.

Lupin grabbed her by the shoulders and kissed her. She leaned into him, momentarily so relieved to be back in his arms that she didn’t think. Her tongue slid along his and she felt a shiver run down her spine as he wrapped his hands around her waist and pulled her tightly against him.

“I — I need you tonight, Dora. Please.”

“You’re drunk,” she accused.

He shrugged, swaying on his feet. “Maybe. But I love you,” he murmured, kissing her neck. “I miss you. I’m no good without you.”

“You taste like whiskey.”

“I thought you liked that.”

“I _used_ to.”

“I hate it out there, Dora,” he whispered into her hair. “I’m losing my mind. I fucking hate it. I don’t want to go back.”

Tonks swallowed a lump in her throat, her resolve cracking. “Then don’t.”

“But I have to. Dumbledore…” He sounded so broken as he sagged against her.

Tonks blinked back tears and just held him for a moment, her fingertips gently stroking the hair on the back of his neck. She took a deep breath and stepped away from him. “I’m going to get you some water, or you’ll regret it in the morning.”

“You’re too good to me,” Lupin slurred. 

She made him finish the whole glass, and then she put her arms around his waist and helped him stumble up the stairs. “Alright, here we go.”

When they got to the hallway outside his room, Lupin leaned against the door frame. 

“Come here,” he beckoned to her, reaching for her hand. “ _Please._ Stay with me tonight, Dora. I don’t want to be alone.”

Tonks closed her eyes, and for just a moment, she imagined what it would be like to allow herself to melt into him, desperately reaching for each other, gasping. What it would be like to let him touch her, even knowing it was just a moment of weakness for both of them, seeking comfort in old familiar habits. She so longed to feel something — anything — besides the despair that filled the rest of her lonely war-torn days.

“Remus… I can’t. You know I want to be with you, but not like this. Come on. Time for you to go to sleep.”

He staggered into the room with her help and collapsed onto the mattress. Tonks lifted his heavy feet and removed his shoes, pulling the sheets up around him. He was already half-asleep, and she traced the scar above his eyebrow with her thumb.

“Goodnight,” she whispered. Tonks poured another glass of water and set it on his nightstand, next to the copy of _Catch-22_ she had given him for Christmas over a year ago. She picked it up and flipped through the pages. In the front cover she had scrawled: “Anything worth dying for is surely worth living for.” She remembered how she’d agonized over what to write, finally settling on her favorite quote from the story instead of something personally revealing.

She was about to return the book to the nightstand when she saw a loose page sticking out of a notebook with her name on it. Glancing quickly at the snoring Lupin, she cautiously pulled the paper out and held it up to the light from the hallway.

> _Dear Dora,  
>  I’m so sorry that I left the way I did. I got scared and found a million reasons to go, and now I just wish — _

The sentence was unfinished and his pen furiously scribbled down the rest of the page. Tonks’ heart thudded in her chest, reading and rereading the short message in Lupin’s handwriting, committing his words to memory. She considered taking it with her, but was embarrassed about the thought of him realizing that she had.

Her hands shaking, she opened the notebook to put the letter back, but instead knocked it off the nightstand with a thud, and a dozen more papers fluttered to the ground. Tonks’ breath caught in her throat as she dropped to her knees and scrambled to pick them up. After another furtive glance at the sleeping Lupin, she read them all.

> _Dear Dora,  
>  I’m finding a lot of good information for our cause. I know you are too. I hope you’re safe. I think about you a lot — _

> _Dear Dora,  
>  I had a dream about you the other night. We were at the observatory in Edinburgh. We really should have stayed — _

> _Dear Dora,  
>  I’m losing myself out here. Sometimes when I think back to my time with you it feels like another lifetime ago. How is that possible? I only wish — _

> _Dear Dora,  
>  How are you? I miss you — _

> _Dear Dora,  
>  I wish I had a different life, a simpler one, and then maybe — _

Her vision blurred as tears suddenly filled her eyes, and then fell in big wet drops onto the unfinished letter in her hands. She gasped loudly, trying to brush them away, but they had already soaked into the paper. 

Lupin stirred in his bed and Tonks froze for a moment, kneeling on the floor, but then he rolled over and resumed snoring. She stuffed the papers back into the notebook and replaced it on his nightstand.

Tonks took a shuddering deep breath and one last painful look at Lupin, and then went downstairs to pour herself another drink.

***

**March 10, 1997**

Lupin woke up late the next morning, his body aching, his head pounding. The sun was far too bright, and he groaned, struggling through the pain to keep his eyes open. He noticed the glass of water next to his bed and gulped it gratefully, and then flashes of the night before came back to him. _Dora._ Looking at photos together downstairs. His lips on hers. Her arms holding him up while he was a drunken mess, helping him up the stairs, taking off his shoes.

He slowly got himself out of bed, the walls spinning around him, and hopefully checked the unoccupied rooms to see if she had stayed the night. But the house was empty.

Lupin stumbled back to bed in his old room and covered his head with the sheets. Then it dawned on him. Today was his birthday. He was alone this year.

***

**April 2, 1997**

Tonks was in the kitchen at The Burrow washing breakfast dishes when someone cleared their throat behind her. She spun around to face Remus Lupin, hovering in the doorway. Her eyes went wide when she saw him.

“Oh. Hey,” she said.

“Hey.” Lupin walked into the kitchen and took a seat at the table.

“What are you doing here?” she asked quietly, turning around to face him, wiping her hands on the towel and then leaning her back against the counter.

“I’m meeting with Dumbledore in a bit. But I wanted to come say that I’m sorry for… the last time I saw you,” Lupin said, looking down at his hands.

“I’m kind of surprised you remember any of it. You were pretty shit-faced.”

“Well… everything is a bit fuzzy in my mind.”

Tonks swallowed hard. “Please don’t drink like that again. I was worried. Not a great look for you either.”

Lupin hung his head. “I woke up the next day and I wasn’t sure — for a minute I wasn’t sure if I dreamed you.”

“Nope. I was real.”

The words caught Lupin off guard, and he looked at her with eyes full of unspoken thoughts. “Hey. Did we…?”

She regarded him with narrow eyes. “You don’t remember anything, do you?”

He just looked at her anxiously, and she sighed.

“Yikes. Well, you said a lot of things. It really wasn’t fair for you do that. You _left_ me. Until you’re ready to come back for good, you need to stay away. I can’t do that again.”

He gulped and nodded.

“You kissed me,” she said softly.

“That was real?” 

“Yeah. You tried for more, but I told you to fuck off.”

“Sounds about right.”

“I was definitely tempted. Drunk Remus was always a lot of fun in bed. And it would have been a bit poetic to fuck _you_ and then leave. But I knew I would have just felt shitty all over again the next day.” Her voice faltered and she looked at the ground.

Lupin had spent much of the last eight months alone, away from other humans, living among the werewolves, who had all but relinquished their humanity. He often found himself questioning the decision to leave, but had never regretted it so fully as he did in that moment, when he saw on her face just how much he had hurt her. But he didn’t have the words yet to tell her all of this.

“Why did you have sex with me, anyway?” asked Tonks in a small voice, her eyes still on her feet. “The night that you disappeared. You knew you were leaving, but you kept lying, saying that nothing was wrong, and then you let me —” She brushed the hot tears out of her eyes. “One last fuck for the road, huh?”

Lupin looked horrified at her words. “Oh, Dora. _No._ It was never like that. I _loved_ you.”

She fixed him with a steady look, her eyes betraying her inner anguish. “Do you have any idea how that made me feel, Remus? I loved you. I trusted you. And you just left me, like it was nothing. I woke up in that dusty old house, all alone. You should have _told_ me you were leaving. After everything we had, I deserved a real goodbye. That was just so, so shitty of you.”

Lupin looked at the ground. “I’m sorry. I was in a really bad place.”

Tonks laughed humorlessly. “We’re all in a bad place, Remus.”

“Look. Thanks, uh, for taking care of me. The other night. It’s — it’s been really hard out there, and I’m afraid I’ve let off some steam in unhealthy ways on a few occasions,” he stammered. “You’re too good to me, as always, Tonks.”

“Is there anything else you want to say?”

“What do you mean?”

“Just — _anything_?” she asked, searching his face desperately.

Lupin looked at her with a sadness in his eyes. “No. Not really much worth saying these days, I’m afraid.”

“Oh. Okay,” Tonks replied, clearly disappointed. “Bye, Remus.”


	36. You're the Love of My Life, You Miserable Fuck

**April 24, 1997**

***Parts of this section are from _Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince_ by J.K. Rowling***

Tonks was frantic. She had heard a rumor that Greyback had killed a fellow werewolf during the full moon two days earlier, but no one from the Order knew more than that. Molly and Arthur hadn’t heard anything from Lupin in weeks, and neither had Kingsley or Moody. Dumbledore wasn’t at Grimmauld Place or the Burrow, so Tonks decided to see if he was at Hogwarts. She needed to know if it was Remus. She had a bad feeling.

She got to Dumbledore’s office to find it empty. She shut her eyes, leaning her head against the closed door. Now what?

She turned down the corridor and spotted a familiar face. “Harry?”

He spun around, one-legged, and toppled over. There, to his utter astonishment, was Tonks, walking toward him as though she frequently strolled up this corridor. “What’re you doing here?” he said, scrambling to his feet. Why did she always have to find him lying on the floor?

“I came to see Dumbledore,” said Tonks. 

Harry thought she looked terrible: she’d lost weight, her face pale, her mouse-colored hair lank. “His office isn’t here,” said Harry, “it's round the other side of the castle —”

“I know,” said Tonks. “He’s not there. Apparently he’s gone away again.”

“Has he?” said Harry, putting his bruised foot gingerly back on the floor. “Hey — you don’t know where he goes, I suppose?”

“No,” said Tonks.

“What did you want to see him about?”

“Nothing in particular,” said Tonks, picking unconsciously, at the sleeve of her robe. “I thought he might know what’s going on. I’ve heard rumors about people getting hurt.”

“Yeah, I know, it's all been in the papers,” said Harry.

“The Prophet’s often behind the times,” said Tonks, who wasn’t listening to him. “You haven't had any letters from anyone in the Order recently?”

“No one from the Order writes to me anymore. Not since Lupin’s gone underground with the werewolves and Sirius —” He saw that her eyes had filled with tears. “I’m sorry,” he muttered awkwardly. “I mean... I miss Sirius, as well.”

“What?” said Tonks blankly, as though she had not heard him. “Right, well. I’ll see you around, Harry.”

And she turned abruptly and walked back down the corridor, leaving Harry to stare after her in confusion.

***

**May 2, 1997**

Tonks walked in for the next meeting of the Order at the Burrow and stopped dead in her tracks. Lupin was already seated at the dining room table with Dumbledore, Moody, McGonagall, Arthur, and Molly.

“Hi,” she said to the whole group, but her eyes were locked on Lupin. She slid into a chair. “What did I miss?”

Dumbledore cleared his throat. “Remus is back. He’s been able to gather information for us and even brought in a handful of allies, but ultimately we need him back with us even more right now. He’s been out there long enough.”

Lupin couldn’t meet Tonks’ eyes.

“Oh,” is all she said.

***

After the meeting, Tonks stayed in her seat, doodling in her notebook. Dumbledore and McGonagall left to return to Hogwarts. Arthur and Mad-Eye were still sitting around the table and poured themselves another drink, but Molly noticed the tension in the room and dragged them into the kitchen, leaving Lupin and Tonks alone again.

Lupin cleared his throat. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you first. That I was coming back.”

Tonks rolled her eyes. “Tell me things? Why start now?”

Lupin grimaced. “Guess I deserve that.”

She hesitated. “So... what does all this mean?”

“Huh?”

“You’re back. Does it change anything?”

Lupin still just looked confused.

“Jesus Christ,” Tonks spat out, exasperated. “What does this mean for _us_?”

He closed his eyes. “Oh. Right. Look, I’m not ready to think about that just yet.”

“I see.”

“You need to understand, I’ve almost been gone a year. I’m not the same person I was before. I’ve seen things —”

Tonks sighed. “Well, I’m going home. Welcome back, Remus.”

***

**May 15, 1997**

Lupin had been back for two weeks, staying in his old room at Grimmauld Place, but Tonks still remained aloof. It was clear to everyone that he was having a hard time adjusting — he wasn’t sleeping, and had lost weight over the past ten months. Something about him just wasn’t right. He jumped at loud noises and had a hard time making eye contact. But she didn’t know how to be around him again yet.

Arthur tried to reach out, but Lupin was content to just keep to himself. Molly offered unsolicited advice that largely went ignored. And so, without Sirius, and without Tonks, Lupin mostly spent his time alone.

His first assignment back was with Kingsley, who was also quiet, so they made a good match. Kingsley didn’t try to get him to talk about what had happened to him out there, and Lupin appreciated that.

One morning he was walking downstairs to make himself a cup of coffee when Tonks was walking in the front door. 

“Oh. Hi, Remus,” she said off-handedly.

“Hi, Tonks.” Calling her that almost tasted funny in Lupin’s mouth.

She pressed her lips together tightly and walked past him, keeping her head down.

***

**June 12, 1997**

Tonks stumbled into the doorway of the Grimmauld Place drawing room at one in the morning, her hand lingering on the knob. Her heart leapt for a moment when she saw Lupin working at the desk.

“Hey,” she said, leaning on the door frame.

He looked up, startled to see anyone at this hour, especially her. Her hair was black, and she was wearing a bright red tank top and her denim miniskirt.

“Hey. What are you doing here?”

“Umm... I don’t really know,” she admitted. “What are you still doing up?”

Lupin shrugged. “Can’t sleep. Just reviewing these notes, hoping for some clarity.”

She stepped into the room and plopped down in her usual chair. “Ugh. My feet are killing me.”

Lupin glanced down at her shoes and smirked, looking back down to the stack of papers on the desk, shuffling them distractedly. “I never understood how you could walk in those.”

“I thought you liked them.”

“Liking and understanding are two different things.” 

“I guess,” shrugged Tonks, crossing her legs.

“So where have you been?”

“Out.”

“Out where?” Lupin asked.

“What are you, my goddamn father?” she replied, her eyes narrowing.

“ _Jesus_. Sorry I asked.” He shook his head and turned his attention back to the papers on the desk.

“I had a date tonight,” Tonks blurted out.

Lupin nodded slowly, still looking down. “Okay.”

“You don’t care?” she asked, sounding disappointed.

“It’s not really my business anymore, is it?”

“Are you going to ask me if I fucked him?”

Lupin swallowed hard. “Come on, Dora. You’re drunk.”

“I’m not drunk.”

He sighed. “Okay. You’re not drunk.”

She stood and walked around the desk until she was right in front of him, swaying slightly on her feet. “Did you ever really love me?”

“Let’s talk about this tomorrow.”

“No, I want to talk about this right now.” Tonks leaned against the desk, crossing her arms.

“This isn’t going to be very productive,” Lupin said, shaking his head.

“That’s a new scar,” she observed, sounding concerned as she reached out to gently touch his face.

“Which one?” Lupin said bitterly.

“Do you want to know what happened on my date?”

“Not particularly. But I have a feeling you’re going to tell me anyway.”

“Ugh. You’re such an asshole sometimes, Remus.”

“So I’ve heard. Mostly from you.”

“ _Nothing_ happened on my date. You know why? Because it doesn’t matter how interesting or good-looking another guy is. He isn’t _you_. You’re the love of my life, you miserable fuck. Now what am I supposed to do?”

Lupin cast his eyes down to the desk.

“Forget it. I’m going home.” Tonks turned and started to walk away.

He was on his feet, grabbing her elbow. “You shouldn’t be trying to get home. You’re dru — _I mean_ — it’s late. The spare room upstairs is open.”

She looked up at him, her eyes heavily lined with black makeup. “Why don’t you love me anymore?” she choked out, her voice breaking.

The familiar tightness in his chest returned as Lupin gazed at her with a newfound intensity. “Oh, Dora. I wish it was that simple.”

“I don’t get you.”

“I know,” he smiled sadly.

“I used to get you.” She reached out and took his hand.

“ _I know_.”

“Aren’t you lonely?”

“Every day.”

Tonks sighed. “When are you going to stop being such an idiot?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Is this really just about you being a werewolf?”

Lupin laughed loudly, but without any humor. “ _Just_?”

“You know what I mean. We were making it work for a little while. I thought things were… good.”

He looked at her tenderly. “Things were good. Things were _really_ good.”

“So what happened?”

Lupin smiled sadly. “The world happened.”

She shook her head, blinking quickly. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I'm just trying to think clearly for both of us.”

“That’s insulting, Remus.”

“You would regret being with me. Eventually.”

“Shouldn’t that be my decision to make?”

“Dora.” Lupin sounded exasperated.

Tonks let go of his hand and took a step back. “I don’t know what else to say. I’m tired. Goodnight, Remus.”

***

**June 13, 1997**

Tonks awoke quite late the next day in the spare room on the third floor. She sat up, her head spinning, remembering all the shots she had done at the bar the night before. She’d kept throwing them back, hoping she’d eventually get drunk enough to decide that her date was even remotely interesting. What was his name again? Ben? Blake? Something like that. Whatever.

She looked around the room to find a glass of water sitting on the bedside table. Tonks took a deep breath and gave a small smile as she gulped it gratefully.


	37. The Lightning-Struck Tower

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally here...
> 
> We all know that the first time the books directly address the Lupin/Tonks love connection is at the end of Half-Blood Prince, when she yells at him in the hospital wing after Dumbledore's death and Bill's attack by Greyback. So here's my take of that scene, with an excerpt from the book in the middle.

**June 30, 1997**

Dumbledore asked Lupin, Bill, and Tonks to patrol the grounds at Hogwarts while he was away for the evening. McGonagall joined them, and all was quiet. Tonks kept her head down, trying to avoid Lupin’s eyes as they walked through the corridors together.

Just then, Ron, Ginny, and Neville came tearing around the corner.

“Death Eaters!” Ginny shouted. “In the Room of Requirement!”

“What?” bellowed Minerva. “How?”

“They’re heading for the Astronomy Tower!” Ron yelled desperately.

The four adults exchanged quick glances before taking off sprinting down the hallway. They were immediately confronted by Corban Yaxley, Fenrir Greyback, Amycus Carrow, Alecto Carrow, Thorfinn Rowle and Djuric Gibbon, all with their wands raised.

“You two again?” Alecto hissed at Lupin and Tonks.

Curses and spells started flying back and forth, and Gibbon raced up the stairs in the chaos. McGonagall narrowly missed being hit, but then fired back, striking Yaxley in the chest. He flew back, tripping Rowle in the process. Neville went down, and Tonks heard a horrifying scream come from Bill Weasley out of her line of sight.

Snape joined the fray, running straight through the fight, disappearing up the stairs to the top of the Astronomy Tower, and the Carrow siblings followed him. Lupin was right on their heels, but when he tried to go up the stairs, he recoiled and was thrown back as though electrocuted.

Tonks was at his side. “Remus, you okay?” she asked frantically.

He looked at her with dazed eyes, nodding. “What the fuck was that?”

She turned to see McGonagall attempt to climb the stairs as well, but the same barrier that had stopped Lupin prevented her path as well. Then her eyes went all the way up to the sky above them. “Is that—?” Tonks watched, her mouth agape, as the Dark Mark blossomed above the castle. She turned to see Lupin’s gaze upturned as well, his face set and serious.

“Avada Kedavra!” shouted Rowle from behind them. His curse narrowly missed Lupin, instead hitting Gibbon square in the chest as he came back down the stairs. “Aww, shit,” Rowle muttered.

“Stupefy!” Tonks screamed, sending Rowle slamming into the wall behind him.

More curses came from the remaining Death Eaters as they came down the stairs again. Snape and Draco Malfoy ran past, dodging jets of light, and then they were gone. One of Amyucs’ curses hit the ceiling, and large chunks of plaster began raining down on all of them.

Lupin grabbed Tonks and pushed her to the ground, shielding her with his body as a piece of debris hit him across the back. Then everything was quiet as the Death Eaters escaped, only leaving Gibbon’s corpse behind. Lupin looked down at Tonks. She was lying flat on her back beneath him, her face streaked with dirt, but she appeared to be unharmed.

“You okay?” he murmured in a shaky voice.

She nodded, her eyes wide. His elbows framed her head, his face inches from hers. “I’m okay. You?”

“Yeah. I’m fine.” He got to his feet, wincing slightly, his hand finding the spot on his back where he’d been struck. Reaching out his other hand, he helped Tonks to her feet. She was shaking, and he slid his arm around her shoulders.

Tonks sagged against him for an instant, her heart pounding, her arms circling his waist with relief. Lupin closed his eyes and felt a familiar tightness in his chest as she wrapped herself around him.

“Remus! Tonks! Help!” Their eyes flew to McGonagall, kneeling next to Bill behind them, and they were at her side in an instant.

Bill’s face and chest had been shredded to the point that he was almost unrecognizable. Minerva looked right at Lupin and said in a grave tone, “It was Greyback.”

Lupin’s face went pale, and Tonks felt like she was going to be ill.

“We need to get him to the hospital wing,” Lupin said quietly.

***  
***The first part of this section is from _Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince_ by J.K. Rowling***

Pushing open the doors to the hospital wing, Harry saw Neville lying in a bed near the door. Ron, Hermione, Luna, Tonks, and Lupin were gathered around another bed near the far end of the ward. At the sound of the doors, they all looked up. Hermione ran to Harry and hugged him; Lupin moved forward too, looking anxious.

“Are you all right, Harry?”

“I'm fine… how’s Bill?”

Nobody answered. Harry peered over Hermione’s shoulder and saw an unrecognizable face lying on Bill’s pillow, so badly slashed and ripped that he looked grotesque. Madam Pomfrey was dabbing at his wounds with some harsh-smelling green ointment.

“Can’t you fix them with a charm or something?” Harry asked the matron.

“No charm will work on these,” said Madam Pomfrey. "I’ve tried everything I know, but there is no cure for werewolf bites.”

“But he wasn’t bitten at the full moon,” said Ron, who was gazing down into his brother’s face as though he could somehow force him to mend by staring. “Greyback hadn’t transformed, so surely Bill won’t be a—a real—?” He looked uncertainly at Lupin.

“No, I don't think that Bill will be a true werewolf,” said Lupin, “but that doesn’t mean that there won’t be contamination. Those are cursed wounds. They are unlikely ever to heal fully, and — and Bill might have some wolfish characteristics from now on.”

“Dumbledore might know something that’d work, though,” Ron said. “Where is he? Bill fought those maniacs on Dumbledore's orders, Dumbledore owes him, he can't leave him in this state — ”

“Ron, Dumbledore’s dead,” said Ginny.

“No!” Lupin looked wildly from Ginny to Harry. Lupin collapsed into a chair beside Bill’s bed, his hands over his face. Harry had never seen Lupin lose control before; he felt as though he was intruding upon something private, indecent. 

“How did he die?” whispered Tonks. “How did it happen?”

“Snape killed him,” said Harry. “I was there. We arrived back on the Astronomy Tower because that’s where the Mark was. Dumbledore was ill, weak, but I think he realized it was a trap when we heard footsteps on the stairs. He immobilized me, I was under the Invisibility Cloak — and then Malfoy came through the door and disarmed him —”

Hermione clapped her hands to her mouth and Ron groaned. Luna trembled.

“More Death Eaters arrived — and then Snape — and Snape did it. The Avada Kedavra.” Harry couldn't go on.

The hospital door opened again and McGonagall entered the ward. Like all the rest, she bore marks of the recent battle: there were grazes on her face and her robes were ripped.

“Molly and Arthur are on their way,” Minerva said. “Harry, what happened? According to Hagrid you were with Professor Dumbledore when he — when it happened. He says Professor Snape was involved in some — ”

“Snape killed Dumbledore,” said Harry.

She just stared at him for a moment, then swayed alarmingly; Madam Pomfrey conjured a chair from thin air, which she pushed under McGonagall. “Snape,” repeated McGonagall faintly, falling into the chair. “We all wondered… but he trusted… always… Snape… I can't believe it…”

“Snape was an accomplished Occlumens,” said Lupin, his voice uncharacteristically harsh. “We always knew that.”

“But Dumbledore swore he was on our side!” whispered Tonks. “I always thought he must know something about Snape that we didn’t.”

“He always hinted that he had a reason for trusting Snape,” muttered McGonagall, now dabbing at the corners of her leaking eyes with a tartan-edged handkerchief. “This is all my fault. My fault. I sent Filius to fetch Snape tonight, I sent for him to come and help us! If I hadn’t alerted Snape to what was going on, he might never have joined forces with the Death Eaters. I don’t think he even knew that they were there before Filius told him.”

“It isn’t your fault, Minerva,” said Lupin firmly. "We all wanted more help, we were glad to think Snape was on his way.”

“So when he arrived at the fight, he joined in on the Death Eaters’ side?” asked Harry, who wanted every detail of Snape’s duplicity, feverishly collecting reasons to hate him, to swear vengeance.

“I don't know exactly how it happened,” said McGonagall distractedly. “Dumbledore had told us that he’d be leaving the school for a few hours and that we were to patrol the corridors. Remus, Bill, and Nymphadora joined us. Every passageway out of the school was covered. Nobody could fly in. There were enchantments on every entrance into the castle. I still don't know how the Death Eaters can possibly have entered…”

“I do,” said Harry, explaining about the pair of Vanishing Cabinets and the pathway they formed. “They got in through the Room of Requirement.” Almost against his will he glanced from Ron to Hermione, who looked devastated.

“Harry, I messed up,” said Ron. “We did like you told us: we checked the Marauder’s Map and we couldn't see Malfoy, so we knew he must be in the Room of Requirement, so me, Ginny, and Neville went to keep watch on, but he got past us.”

“He came out of the Room about an hour after we started keeping watch,” said Ginny. “He was on his own, clutching that awful shriveled arm —”

“His Hand of Glory,” said Ron. “Gives light only to the holder, remember?”

“Anyway,” Ginny went on, “he must have been checking whether the coast was clear to let the Death Eaters out, because when he saw us he threw something into the air and it all went pitch-black —”

“— Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder,” said Ron bitterly. “Fred and George’s. I’m going to be having a word with them about who they let buy their products.”

“We tried everything, Lumos, Incendio,” said Ginny. “All we could do was grope our way out of the corridor again, and we could hear people rushing past us. Malfoy could see because of that hand thing and was guiding them, but we didn’t dare use any curses or anything in case we hit each other, and by the time we'd reached a corridor that was light, they’d gone.”

“Luckily,” said Lupin hoarsely, “Ron, Ginny, and Neville ran into us immediately and told us just what had happened. We found the Death Eaters, heading to the Astronomy Tower. Malfoy hadn’t expected people to be on the watch; he seemed to have exhausted his supply of Darkness Powder, at any rate. A fight broke out, they scattered and we gave chase. One of them, Gibbon, broke away and headed up the tower stairs —”

“To set off the Mark?” asked Harry.

“He must have,” said Lupin. “But I don't think Gibbon liked the idea of waiting up there alone for Dumbledore, because he came running back downstairs and was hit by a Killing Curse that just missed me.”

“So if Ron was watching the Room of Requirement with Ginny and Neville,” said Harry, turning to Hermione, “were you —?”

“Outside Snape’s office,” whispered Hermione, her eyes sparkling with tears, “with Luna. We hung around for ages outside it and nothing happened. We didn’t know what was going on upstairs, Ron had taken the map. It was nearly midnight when Professor Flitwick came sprinting down into the dungeons. He was shouting about Death Eaters in the castle.”

“So then Snape came upstairs,” said Harry, who was watching him running up the stairs in his mind’s eye, his black robes billowing behind him as ever, pulling his wand from under his cloak as he ascended, “and he found the place where you were all fighting…”

“We were in trouble, we were losing,” said Tonks in a low voice. “Gibbon was down, but the rest of the Death Eaters seemed ready to fight to the death. Neville had been hurt, Bill savaged by Greyback… it was all dark… curses flying everywhere… the Malfoy boy vanished, he must have slipped past, up the stairs… then more of them ran after him, but one of them blocked the stairs with some kind of curse… Remus ran at it and got thrown up into the air —”

“None of us could break through,” said Ron, “and that Death Eater was still firing off jinxes all over the place, they were bouncing off the walls and barely missing us…”

“And then Snape was there,” said Tonks, “and then he wasn’t—”

“I saw him run straight through the barrier as though it wasn’t there,” said Lupin.

“He must have known a spell we didn’t,” whispered McGonagall. “After all — he was the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher... I just assumed that he was in a hurry to chase after the Death Eaters who’d escaped up to the tower.”

“He was,” said Harry savagely, “but to help them... I’ll bet you had to have a Dark Mark to get through that barrier. what happened when he came back down?”

“Well, Carrow fired off a hex that caused half the ceiling to fall in, and also broke the curse blocking the stairs,” said Lupin. “We all ran forward—those of us who were still standing anyway—and then Snape and the boy emerged out of the dust—obviously, none of us attacked them—”

“We just let them pass,” said Tonks in a hollow voice. “We thought they were being chased by the Death Eaters—I thought I heard Snape shout something, but I don't know what—”

“He shouted, ‘It’s over.’ He’d done what he’d meant to do.” said Harry bitterly.

The doors of the hospital wing burst open, making them all jump: Arthur and Molly Weasley were striding up the ward, Fleur just behind them, her beautiful face terrified.

“Molly — Arthur —” said Professor McGonagall, jumping up and hurrying to greet them. “I am so sorry —”

“Bill,” whispered Molly, darting past Professor McGonagall as she caught sight of her son’s mangled face. “Oh, Bill!”

Lupin and Tonks got up and retreated so that Arthur and Molly could get nearer to the bed. Molly bent over her son and pressed her lips to his bloody forehead.

“You said Greyback attacked him?” Arthur asked. “But he hadn’t transformed? So what does that mean? What will happen to Bill?”

“We don't yet know,” said Minerva, looking helplessly at Lupin.

“There will probably be some contamination, Arthur,” said Lupin. “It is an odd case, possibly unique... we don’t know what he might be like when he awakens.”

Molly took the nasty-smelling ointment from Madam Pomfrey and began dabbing at Bill’s wounds.

“And Dumbledore,” said Arthur. “Minerva, is it true… is he really… ?”

“Dumbledore gone,” whispered Arthur, but Molly had eyes only for her eldest son; she began to sob, tears falling onto Bill’s mutilated face.“Of course, it doesn’t matter how he looks… it’s not really important… but he was a very handsome little boy… always very handsome… and he was g-going to be married!”

“And what do you mean by zat?” said Fleur suddenly and loudly. “What do you mean, ‘he _was_ going to be married?’”

Molly raised her tear-stained face, looking startled. “Well—only that—”

“You theenk Bill will not wish to marry me anymore?” demanded Fleur. “You theenk, because of these bites, he will not love me?”

“No, that's not what I—”

“Because he will!” said Fleur, drawing herself up to her full height and throwing back her long mane of silver hair. “It would take more zan a werewolf to stop Bill loving me!”

“Well, yes, I’m sure,” said Molly, “but I thought perhaps—given how—how he—”

“Oh! You thought I would not weesh to marry him? Or per'aps, you hoped?” said Fleur, her nostrils flaring. “What do I care how he looks? I am good-looking enough for both of us, I theenk! These scars show is zat my husband is brave! And I shall do zat!” she added fiercely, pushing Molly aside and snatching the ointment from her.Molly fell back against her husband and watched Fleur mopping up Bill’s wounds with a most curious expression upon her face.

“Our Great-Auntie Muriel,” said Molly after a long pause, “has a very beautiful tiara — goblin-made — which I am sure I could persuade her to lend you for the wedding. She is very fond of Bill, you know, and it would look lovely with your hair.”

“Thank you,” said Fleur stiffly. “I am sure zat will be lovely.”

And then, both women were crying and hugging each other. Completely bewildered, wondering whether the world had gone mad, Harry turned around: Ron looked as stunned as he felt and Ginny and Hermione were exchanging startled looks.

“You see!” said a strained voice. Tonks was glaring at Lupin. “She still wants to marry him, even though he’s been bitten! She doesn’t care!”

“It’s different,” said Lupin, barely moving his lips and looking suddenly tense. “Bill will not be a full werewolf. The cases are completely —”

“But I don’t care either, I don’t care!” said Tonks, seizing the front of Lupin’s robes and shaking them. “I’ve told you a million times…”

And the meaning of Tonks’ Patronus and her mouse-colored hair, and the reason she had come running to find Dumbledore when she had heard a rumor someone had been attacked by Greyback, all suddenly became clear to Harry; it had not been Sirius that Tonks had fallen in love with after all.

“And I’ve told you a million times,” said Lupin, refusing to meet her eyes, staring at the floor, “that I am too old for you, too poor…too dangerous…”

“I’ve said all along you’re taking a ridiculous line on this, Remus,” said Molly over Fleur’s shoulder as she patted her on the back.

“I’m not being ridiculous,” said Lupin steadily. “Tonks deserves somebody young and whole.” 

“But she wants you,” said Arthur, with a small smile. “And after all, Remus, young and whole men do not necessarily remain so.” He gestured sadly at his son, lying between them. 

“This is… not the moment to discuss it,” said Lupin, avoiding everybody’s eyes as he looked around distractedly. “Dumbledore is dead…”

“Dumbledore would have been happy to think that there was a little more love in the world,” said Minerva curtly.

A lump formed in Lupin’s throat at those words, and he thought back to Sirius’s advice to him about taking it one day at a time, and not missing out on a chance at happiness. Life was short. That was clearer now than ever.

“Can we... go for a walk?” Lupin asked, finally meeting Tonks’ eyes after a prolonged awkward moment of silence, very aware of the audience surrounding them.

She nodded, suddenly hopeful for the first time in nearly a year.

Hagrid burst into the room as Tonks and Lupin walked out together. They were both quiet the whole way until they reached the stairwell at the end of the corridor. She looked at him, suddenly shy. “Where should we go?”

He gestured down the stairs. “Come on. I know a place.”

They walked in silence down the winding path to the lake. Tonks’ hands were sweating as she wrung them together. A large willow tree stood at the shore with a bench next to it, and Lupin took a seat. Tonks sat down next to him, and finally dared to meet his gaze.

He took a deep breath. “Well, that was certainly one way to get my attention.”

She swallowed hard, searching his face, hoping she wasn’t mistaken about seeing the faint hint of a smile on the corners of his lips. “Sorry. But it needed to be said. You almost fucking died an hour ago, Remus. That spell missed you by an inch.”

He closed his eyes tightly. “I know.”

“If he’d hit you —” Her voice cracked as she trailed off.

They sat quietly for a few moments.

“I love you,” she said at last. “If you still don’t want anything to do with me, fine. But I just needed to say it one more time. We had something really, really good, and life’s too fucking short, and —” 

Lupin leaned in and pressed his lips to hers, effectively shutting her up. Tonks gasped in shock, but then quickly recovered and kissed him back, letting herself melt into him. One of his hands found the small of her back and drew her closer toward him, his other hand grabbing a fistful her hair.

They stayed there like that for several moments with their lips locked, clinging to each other desperately, the familiar comfort of being in each other's arms slowly starting to heal both of their broken hearts. He pulled back and regarded her tenderly. “I love you, Dora.”

“Really?” she squealed, her face breaking into a huge smile.

He looked weary. “ _Of course_ I love you. I never stopped loving you. Now, that doesn’t mean this is a good idea, but —”

She pressed her finger to his lips. “Shut up, Remus.”

Lupin’s face was serious. “Look. We obviously still have feelings for each other. But if we try, and things go bad again, I don’t think I could handle it, Dora. If we got back together and broke up, or if something bad happened to you... I think it would fucking destroy me.”

She shrugged. “Well, that’s simple... we just can’t break up or let anything bad happen.”

Lupin rolled his eyes, and Tonks grinned at him. He shook his head and chuckled, pulling her toward him and tucking her head underneath his chin. “Come here. I forgot what it felt like to laugh. I _missed_ you,” he whispered, closing his eyes. “I’m so sorry for the way I left. That wasn’t right.”

“I missed you so much,” she murmured.

He paused and looked at her. “Do you really want me back after all of this?”

“As long as you really mean it this time,” she leveled at him pointedly. “I don’t want you to just throw me a sympathy fuck.”

He gripped her face tightly between his hands. “That mouth of yours,” he shook his head, grinning.

“Come on, I’m serious, Remus. We have to be in it together,” Tonks said carefully.

Lupin nodded slowly.

“Use your words, don’t just nod,” she coached him, sounding a bit annoyed.

“Okay, okay. Like I said... I’m sorry for the way I left. It was cowardly. Of course I want you. It’s only ever been you. But Dumbledore needed me, and I didn’t know how to say goodbye. I know I should have talked to you instead of just running away.”

She swallowed hard and nodded. “Keep going.”

“You need to know that I thought I was doing the right thing to help the cause, to keep you safe. I got spooked after Edinburgh, when I was tempted to run away. You affected my judgement and it scared the shit out of me. And then everything happened with Dolohov, and we fought, and the way I acted that night... and then we lost Sirius. Look, I’m not trying to make excuses. I made some terrible choices. I didn’t handle any of this well. But I was in a bad place, and I honestly thought you’d be better off without me.”

Tonks looked at him sadly. “I’m definitely not better off without you.”

Lupin took a deep breath and looked at her. “Okay. Let’s give it a try. A real try. We’ll — we’ll figure it out. Together. One day at a time. You want to live together? Let’s get a place. I’m still fucking broke. But if you’ll have me, we can try to figure something out. I’m so tired of being away from you, Dora.”

She squealed and jumped into his lap, and Lupin held onto her tightly, vowing to not let go again.

***

Later that night, the two followed a withdrawn McGonagall down the hall to an empty dorm room where they could stay for the evening, not paying attention to where they were walking, all but dead on their feet. Tonks put down her bag and collapsed on the narrow bed.

Lupin walked to the window and looked out. “Hey. Dora. Come here.”

She didn’t move. “What?”

“This is the same room. We’ve been here before.”

Tonks sat up and looked around her: the overstuffed chair, the twin bed up against the wall. She walked over to the window and saw the housing units where Karkaroff and the Durmstrang students had stayed during the Triwizard Tournament two years earlier.

She grinned, wrapping her arms around his neck. “Didn’t we smoke a joint in here that night?”

“Sure did. The first of many.” Lupin smiled at her. He leaned down and kissed her lips. “Mmm. But I definitely didn’t do that. I was still way too shy.”

“Yeah,” she smiled. “You were shy. It was cute.”

“You know, I remember that you came and sat down right next to me on this bed. That night we were in this room. It kind of blew my mind.”

“What do you mean?” she asked, tilting her head.

“That you were that close to me. That you wanted to sit by me. I was so intimidated by you,” he admitted with a smile.

“ _You_ were intimidated by _me_?” Tonks said incredulously. “I was in hero worship mode from the second we met. Come on — you couldn’t tell that I looked up to you? And that I totally wanted to bang you? I’m not exactly subtle.”

Lupin laughed. “No way. I never thought that you could possibly want me. At least not at first.”

“Mmm. Well, I did.”

“You had a hole in your stockings that night.”

“What?”

“When you sat next to me. There was this little hole about halfway up your thigh. I couldn’t stop staring at it.”

Tonks’ cheeks flushed pink. “Wow. You remember that? You know, I probably would have let you fuck me that night if you made a move? Right here in this room?” She raised her eyebrows at him, grinning.

“ _Jesus_. Don’t tell me that now, Dora. Not that I ever would have been brave enough to try.”

“Yeah. But then we might have missed Karkaroff.”

“Eh. That didn’t really pan out anyway, did it? Your idea would have made for a much more interesting night.”

Tonks laughed and kissed him.

“Do you still hate me?” Lupin’s voice faltered.

Tonks pulled back to look at him, running her thumb over the scar on his eyebrow. “I never hated you… not really. I was hurt, and I hated the way you left. But I know why you did, why you felt like you had to. Now you’re back. I could waste time being mad. But I don’t like wasting time. I know what I want, and I’d forgive you eventually. So let’s skip all that bullshit. Just don’t do something stupid like that again. I won’t forgive so easily next time.”

Lupin nodded slowly. “I’m the luckiest guy in the whole fucking world.”

Tonks shrugged. “You said it.”

He laughed and pulled her against him tightly, his hands in her hair.

“So,” Tonks said slowly, a mischievous smirk spreading across her face as she pulled back to look at him. “Wanna pretend that it’s two years ago and we’re stuck in this room all night watching for Karkaroff?”

He looked confused. “What do you mean?”

“Let’s pretend we’ve only known each other for a month, and the Order sent us here tonight to keep an eye on Karkaroff. This is — what — our second job together? You’re still shy and awkward in that adorably Lupin way, but you’re trying to work up the nerve to go for it with this weird, cute girl you work with who won’t stop talking.”

The corners of his mouth turned up as he listened to her.

She dropped her eyelashes as she took a step toward him. “Oh, and you need to imagine that you’ve never met my parents, and I’ve never sucked your cock or anything like that. But you never know, _Professor_ … anything can happen when you have time to kill on the job. It's gonna be a long night.”

Lupin’s jaw dropped open and she grinned at his reaction. Tonks went back over to her bag that she’d dropped by the bed and pulled out a joint. She walked back toward him with a grin. “Wanna play?”

“Umm, yes please.”

Tonks plopped down in the chair facing the window, crossed her legs, and lit the joint with her wand. Lupin was still standing there staring at her. She turned to him. “Bed.”

“Huh?”

“You were sitting on the bed that night.”

“Oh. Right.” He sat down on the edge of the mattress and looked at her, his heart pounding.

“Then I asked you if you wanted to smoke this, and you came over here to get it from me.”

“No way.” Lupin shook his head. “You walked over here and offered it to me.”

“Did I?”

“Yep. I’m positive. I’ll never forget it. You got up and stood there in front of me in the moonlight and I swear you looked like a goddamn fucking angel. I just stared up at you and was struck dumb for a minute. I thought you could tell.”

“Aww. You’re cute.” Tonks stood up and walked over to him, holding out the joint, and bit her lip to keep from grinning. “Hey, you want to smoke this, Remus?”

He swallowed hard and nodded, taking a long drag.

She dropped down to sit right next to him on the bed, fighting to keep the grin off her face. Tonks bumped him with her knee. “So, Professor Lupin. Tell me about yourself.” 

“About myself? Let’s see. My schedule gets a bit complicated during certain times of the month. I was forced to resign in disgrace from the only job I’ve ever loved. Most of my friends are dead. I have some serious intimacy issues, and I always say the wrong thing. I’ve been told I can be kind of an asshole. But I do have a weakness for this beautiful, clever, young witch who always makes me laugh.”

She shook her head. “Come on, Remus. You wouldn't have said that. Not two years ago.”

He shrugged and sighed. “I’m not good at this. Can’t I just kiss you already?”

Tonks wagged her finger at him, taking the joint back. She batted her eyelashes at him and bit her lip. “Hey, I just wanted to say, thanks for taking me on this job with you, Remus. I’m just so new at this, I could use your… guidance and expertise. I always used to look up to all of you in the Order of the Phoenix, you know.”

“Oh yeah?” Lupin said, his eyes wide, struggling to keep from grinning at her.

“Mmm. I’ve spent a lot of my life hearing about all of the brave people who fought in the first war. One guy in particular always caught my eye. You know, I used to wonder what it would be like to go on an assignment with him. It was kind of a teenage fantasy of mine. Thinking about being undercover all night, just the two of us.”

“Oh yeah? You have a thing for tall, gray, and disheveled?”

Tonks giggled. “Stop. This is where you make your move.”

“I can’t do this, Dora.”

“What do you mean you can’t? We’re playing. It’s just me.”

“I’m no good at pretending. What am I supposed to say?”

“You can do this, Remus. Come on. Tell me that you can’t stop thinking about me. And then kiss me. Like it’s the first time.”

Lupin closed his eyes and took a deep breath, remembering the way he felt when he first met her, the way he still felt about her. Then he opened his eyes and looked at her longingly. “Hey, Tonks?” he said, his voice a little hoarse, but full of vulnerable sincerity. “I know we only met a month ago, but... I just can’t stop thinking about you.”

She smiled shyly. “Really?”

“Uh huh.” He reached out and ran his thumb along her cheekbone, tucking her hair behind her ear. “I’ve never met anyone like you before. You’re smart, and you keep me on my toes, and you make me laugh. And you’re so fucking beautiful.”

“Remus,” she breathed, her cheeks flushing pink.

And then he leaned in to kiss her softly on the lips, and after all the time they had been apart, it really did feel like the first time. Tonks felt her breath catch in her throat as he pulled her closer. She wrapped her arms around his neck and sighed into his mouth as their tongues slid against each other. He broke off the kiss and pressed his forehead to hers, letting out a shaky breath.

“Sorry,” he whispered. “I hope that was okay. I know we probably shouldn't do this — I mean, we work together. I just couldn’t resist.”

She grinned and looked up at him. “Mmm. You know, we’re stuck in this room all night, and I haven’t seen Karkaroff move in a while. I mean, dude’s probably just going to stay in. You wanna fuck, Remus? See how we fit, and take it from there?”

He inhaled sharply, his eyes getting even wider. Grinning, he picked her up around the waist, which made her squeal, and he walked them over to the window, lifting her up to sit on the ledge.

“Well, I suppose we could multitask?” he murmured. “I think I can still keep watch from here.” He leaned in to kiss her neck, and she dropped her head back and sighed loudly. Lupin’s hands slid up under her skirt and lifted her hips to peel off her stockings. She grinned and reached for his belt buckle, yanking his pants all the way down.

Lupin kissed her, running his hand up the inside of her thigh, making her breath catch in her throat. His cock in his other hand, he positioned himself between her legs and pressed his forehead against hers. “I missed this.”

He slowly buried himself deep inside her and felt a lump form in his throat as she let out a moan, her arms wrapped around his back. He swallowed down the overwhelming feeling that he was going to cry. Everything good in his life was right here.

She dropped her head back against the glass as he thrust into her. Lupin braced one hand against the window frame and hooked the other under her thigh, keeping her tightly in place, pressing his lips along her neck.

“Oh my god. You feel so good,” she gasped.

“I’m not going to last long,” he panted.

“That’s okay,” she whispered. “Just fuck me.”

A few minutes later they were both lying on the bed, hearts still pounding.

Tonks grinned at him. “Well that was fun.”

“Uh huh. Sorry it was so short.”

“I don’t care. Think of it as a warm up. There’s plenty more where that came from.”

“Damn, girl. I missed you.”

She giggled. “You’ve mentioned that a few dozen times.”

He pulled her close, her head on his chest. It had been an unbearably long day, and they were both physically and emotionally drained. Tonks felt herself slowly start to relax and drift off to sleep against him when he spoke up.

“Hey, Dora?”

“Mmm?”

“Can I ask you something? Please don’t be mad. I just need to know.”

“Uh oh.” She sat up and looked at him, her eyebrows furrowed. “What's up?”

Lupin sat up and looked at her. “Were you with anyone while we were apart?”

Tonks raised her eyebrows. “I don’t know if that’s any of your business.”

“It kind of is.”

“You left, Remus. Do you really want to get into this?”

“That sounds like a yes.”

She shrugged. “I’m sorry.”

Lupin grimaced. “Fuck.”

“Don’t like it? Don’t leave me again. You were gone for a year. What did you expect?”

“Who was it?”

“No one you know. No one that mattered. I was just trying to forget you.”

“Who was it, Dora?”

“Oh my god. _Stop_. I get that you’re feeling insecure, Remus. But you’re not going to get any sympathy from me. I’m not the one who left. You broke my fucking heart, and I’m getting tired of always having to convince you that I love you.”

“Sorry,” Lupin muttered, looking at his feet. “I just get jealous. And I worry you’ll change your mind and want someone else. Someone better. Someone… normal.”

“Look. I don’t know what else I can say except I want to be with you forever. You left, and I didn’t know if I’d ever see you again. Yeah, I got lonely. It didn’t mean anything. It doesn’t always have to mean something, you know. I was just lonely and bored.”

Lupin cringed, but Tonks rolled her eyes.

“Hey. _I love you_. Now I know you don’t want to get married — or think you can’t — or whatever. And you know what, that’s okay. I’ve decided that I don’t need that. It’s just a piece of a paper, right?”

Lupin’s face softened.

“But if you’re ever doubting my love for you, please know that if you change your mind, I would wife you so hard, Remus Lupin. I’ve never loved anyone like I love you. And as long as you stick around this time, I’m not going anywhere.”

He pulled her closer. “I missed you so much. Why did I stay away so long? What’s wrong with me, Dora?”

“The short answer? You’re really fucking stubborn.”

“Mmm. But so are you. We’re going to drive each other crazy.”

“I don’t mind fighting with you. As long as we get to make up.” Tonks brushed her lips against his gently and grinned.

“Oh my god. Come here.” Lupin wrapped her in his arms and breathed her in, and they lay there clutching each other until they finally drifted off to sleep.


	38. Back to Edinburgh

**July 1, 1997**

Lupin woke up in an uncomfortable twin bed, pressed against the wall, with Tonks curled up under his arm. It took him almost a full minute to get oriented, remembering that he was at Hogwarts, and everything that had happened in the past twenty-four hours came flooding back to him all at once. His chest was tight as he thought of Dumbledore, Snape, and the Astronomy Tower.

Tonks let out a little sigh in her sleep and Lupin looked over at her. She was lying on her stomach, her hair partially covering her face. Her shoulders and back were bare, her clothes still scattered all over the floor from the night before. He’d been gone a year now. A year alone, and today he woke with her warm body next to him. Brushing the hair out of her face, Lupin pressed his lips to her forehead.

A lot had happened yesterday. It was overwhelming to process. He carefully slid his arms out from around her and quietly got out of bed.

Tonks blinked her eyes open almost an hour later to find Lupin looking out the window.

“Hey,” she said groggily, sitting up.

He turned and walked over to the bed, sitting down next to her, running his fingers through her hair. “Good morning.”

“Is this real?” she asked.

“Yep.”

“You’re wearing a lot more clothes than I am,” she noticed.

“I sure am,” he laughed.

“Boo. How long have you been awake?”

Lupin shrugged.

“You okay?” she asked.

He grimaced, his face heavy. “Dumbledore.”

Tonks swallowed. “I know. It’s fucked up.”

He lay down next to her, pulling her in for a kiss, and ran his thumb over her cheekbone.

“You’re not regretting this, are you?” Tonks asked nervously.

Lupin shook his head. “No. I missed you too much.”

She grinned at him. “Good answer.” She slipped her hands up the back of his shirt. “Why are you dressed? Come back to bed.”

“Dora. We need to get up. Arrangements need to be made. Dumbledore’s funeral. The students are still here. We can’t stay in bed all day.”

“Okay... but can we stay in bed for twenty minutes?” Tonks leaned forward and kissed his neck.

He chuckled. “Fine. Twenty minutes.”

She smiled and unbuttoned his shirt, seeing him for the first time in daylight since he’d returned. Her hand flew to her mouth. “Oh, Remus.”

He followed the horror of her eyes to the new scars that now crisscrossed almost every inch of the skin on his chest, shoulders, and arms.

“What happened out there?” she gasped.

Lupin looked at her with dark eyes. “I’m not ready to talk about it.”

Tonks swallowed hard and nodded, holding back tears. She let out a shaky breath and then started kissing him, carefully and tenderly pressing her lips to each new scar on his body.

***

**July 2, 1997**

***This section is from _Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince_ by J.K. Rowling***

Harry glimpsed Slughorn at the head of the Slytherins, wearing magnificent long emerald-green robes embroidered with silver. He had never seen Professor Sprout, Head of the Hufflepuffs, looking so clean.

They were heading, as Harry saw when he stepped out on to the stone steps from the front doors, towards the lake. The warmth of the sun caressed his face as they followed Professor McGonagall in silence to the place where hundreds of chairs had been set out in rows. An aisle ran down the centre of them: there was a marble table standing at the front, all chairs facing it. It was the most beautiful summer’s day.

An extraordinary assortment of people had already arrived. Most of them, Harry did not recognize, but there were a few that he did, including members of the Order of the Phoenix: Kingsley Shacklebolt, Mad-Eye Moody, Tonks, her hair miraculously returned to vividest pink, Remus Lupin, with whom she seemed to be holding hands, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, Bill supported by Fleur, and followed by Fred and George, wearing jackets of black dragonskin.

Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny claimed seats together. The crowd continued to swell; with a great rush of affection for both of them, Harry saw Neville being helped into a seat by Luna. Cornelius Fudge walked past them towards the front; Harry recognized Rita Skeeter, who, he was infuriated to see, had a notebook clutched in her red-taloned hand; and then, with a jolt of fury, Dolores Umbridge, an unconvincing expression of grief upon her toadlike face. At the sight of the centaur Firenze, who was standing like a sentinel near the water’s edge, she gave a start and scurried hastily into a seat a good distance away. The staff were seated at last.

Harry could see Scrimgeour looking dignified in the front row with McGonagall. He wondered whether Scrimgeour or any of these important people were really sorry that Dumbledore was dead.

Hagrid was walking slowly up the aisle between the chairs. He was crying, his face gleaming with tears, and in his arms, wrapped in purple velvet spangled with golden stars, was what Harry knew to be Dumbledore’s body. A sharp pain rose in Harry’s throat at this sight: for a moment, the knowledge that Dumbledore’s body was so close seemed to take all warmth from the day. Ron looked shocked. Tears were falling thick and fast into both Ginny and Hermione’s laps. Hagrid seemed to have placed the body carefully upon the table...

***

Lupin and Tonks slept at Hogwarts again that night. They both were very quiet, still mourning, still stunned, but found comfort in falling back into old rhythms. They curled up together on the bed and spent hours kissing and talking and remembering all the ways they used to make each other moan.

“Want to go sneak out and try to fuck in the Room of Requirement?” Tonks asked with a mischievous look on her face, wagging her eyebrows dangerously at him. “I’ve always wanted to do that.”

Lupin laughed out loud. “Sirius claimed he actually did once when we were in school. But none of us believed him.”

“Or you could show me around the Shrieking Shack. Make me scream and _really_ give the neighbors something to talk about.”

“You’re filthy. God I missed you.”

“So where are we going to go after tonight?” Tonks asked. “I’d really like to not be all crammed up in this tiny bed too much longer if we can help it.”

“What were you thinking?” asked Lupin.

“Well, I wouldn’t want to stay at Grimmauld Place, even if we could. Too many… bad memories.” She paused, thinking back to the unfinished stack of letters she had read in secret that night. “Do you think we can get away for a few days before the Order will need us again? Maybe we could go back to Edinburgh for a little bit? Take a little time for us, to figure all this out?”

Lupin’s eyes lit up and he nodded.

***

**July 3, 1997**

The next day they went to Edinburgh, renting the same room at the same hotel. As soon as they checked in and went upstairs, he wrapped his arms around her waist and lifted her up to the desk. Tonks pulled him toward her, and he covered her lips with his, his heart feeling lighter than it had in months.

Lupin dropped to his knees, pushing his hands up under her skirt, and kissed the along the inside of her thighs. He looked up at her, her head thrown back, eyes closed, a little smile playing on her lips.

“I was scared that I’d come back and you would have forgotten about me,” Lupin said quietly, a lump in his throat.

“What?” Tonks’ eyes flew open, looking down at him in disbelief.

“I was gone for so long,” he choked out, his voice cracking. “I was sure that I’d come back and you’d be in love with someone else. I actually had a dream one night that you got married to some young hotshot Auror from work.”

“I don’t want some hotshot Auror. I love _you_.”

“But why?”

“I don’t know.” She shrugged. “I just do.”

Lupin remembered Dumbledore’s words about finding “rare comfort” in each other. It rang all too true in the moment. This girl had barged her way into his life and flipped all his preconceived notions upside down. He still felt unworthy of her love, but something drew him to her like a magnet. He’d lived without her for too long, losing his humanity. Now he was back, and she was grounding him again.

He pulled her panties down and used his tongue to make her moan, her hands in his hair. It didn’t take him long at all to bring her to the brink. She leaned her head back against the wall, gasping, and he unzipped his pants, standing between her legs and gripping her hips, yanking her toward him. “Come here.”

Tonks giggled as he teased her, and then finally pushed all the way inside. “Oh my god,” she whispered in his ear. “I just love your cock.”

“Jesus,” Lupin said. “I missed you.”

“I know,” she murmured, grinning.

He wrapped his arms around her waist and lifted her off the desk, laying them down on the floor and propping one of her legs up on his shoulder before thrusting inside her again.

“You feel so good,” she gasped.

“Holy shit, Dora.” He groaned as he felt her clenching around him.

“Get my other leg up too.”

“Yeah?”

“Uh huh. _Oh my god._ Fuck me, baby,” she begged.

She didn’t need to ask him a second time.


	39. We Should Get Married

**July 4, 1997**

The next morning Tonks woke in their hotel room. She slowly opened her eyes and stretched, rolling over to find Lupin already sitting up in bed with a strange look on his face.

“Mmm... morning,” she smiled up at him, giving his arm a squeeze as she yawned.

Lupin stroked her hair, and then rubbed his thumb over her cheekbone. “Good morning.”

“How'd you sleep?”

“We should get married,” he said evenly.

“Wait… _what_?!” Tonks shrieked, throwing back the sheets, suddenly upright.

“Isn’t that what you wanted?” he asked, studying her face closely. 

“I don't know!" she insisted defensively. Lupin laughed, and she conceded with a rueful grin. "Well, okay... _yes_ , I want to get married. But only if you want to.” 

“I want to.” 

“All of a sudden?” 

Lupin shrugged. 

Tonks crossed her arms. “Explain yourself, Professor.” 

He looked amused. “Oh, now I have to convince _you_ to marry me?” 

She studied him closely, reaching her hand out to touch his face. “Hey, it’s a swift change of heart about an incredibly huge decision. I want to be sure you mean it. I need to understand why.” 

Lupin was quiet for a moment. “I don't know. I was away for so long, Dora, and somehow I found my way back to you. It feels like a second chance and I don’t want to waste it. We’re fighting a war. I've never been more aware that I could die tomorrow. I don’t want to regret anything. And if I die, then people could say about me, ‘Well, his wife was super hot, so he must have at least been a pretty decent guy.’” 

Tonks narrowed her eyes at him, and then snorted and struggled to catch her breath, she was laughing so hard. He smiled and kissed her cheek. 

She exhaled slowly and shook her head, leveling him with a more serious look. “Stop, Remus. We don’t _have_ to get married, you know. We could just be together. I’d be okay with that. I'm not going anywhere, ring or no ring. I don’t want to get married unless you mean it.” 

“I mean it.” 

“Okay… where would we live?” 

Lupin shrugged. “I guess we need to get a place. We’ll figure it out.” 

“Hmm. Okay.” 

“What? I thought you’d be happy?” 

“I _am_ happy, Remus. But just having you back in my life is enough. You always said that we could never get married, so it’s a bit jarring. I want to be sure this is what you really want.” 

“I’m telling you it’s what I really want,” Lupin said. 

Tonks shrugged. “Okay. _Fine_. Let’s get married.” 

“Good. We’re getting married.” 

“Great!” she spat out, throwing her arms up in the air exasperatedly.

Lupin burst out laughing, and Tonks looked salty.

“Why are you laughing at me, you asshole? What’s so funny?”

“Did I just fuck up the proposal?” Lupin asked. 

“Well, it wasn’t really much of a proposal,” said Tonks, rolling her eyes. “You kind of just woke up and informed me that we were getting married. Oh... and you said I was hot and you talked about dying tomorrow.” 

“I’m sorry,” Lupin grinned, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her down on the bed. “Should I have bought flowers and chocolates and a diamond and gotten down on one knee?” He pressed a trail of kisses up her neck and Tonks let out a little moan, then giggled and squirmed away to look him square in the eye. 

“No, you know I don’t need that. But I mean, it could have been slightly more romantic. In fact, I’m pretty sure you never used the word ‘love’ while talking about us getting married,” she pointed out with an eye roll. 

“Come on. You know I’m no good at any of that romantic stuff. I _love_ you, Dora. I’d _love_ to marry you. There. How’s that?” He slipped his hand inside her underwear and teased her clit before pushing one finger inside her. 

She moaned in his ear, but then inhaled sharply, shaking her head. “Hmm. I don’t know, Remus. I think you need to ask me again tomorrow.” 

His hand stilled between her legs. “Seriously?” 

“Uh huh.” She grinned, kissing him softly on the lips. 

Lupin looked at her tenderly, a little smile spreading across his face as the wheels in his head turned. “Okay. I will.” 

*** 

**July 5, 1997**

Tonks woke up the next morning to find Lupin sitting on the couch, already drinking a cup of coffee.

“You’re up,” he observed, coming over to sit on the edge of the bed, stroking her hair gently. “Want some coffee?” 

“Mmm. Yes please.” 

He brought her a steaming mug. “You hungry?” 

She pushed herself up to sit. “Yeah. What did you have in mind?” 

“I’m on it. Just stay right here, okay?” 

Tonks looked at him curiously. “Okay.” She burrowed back under the covers. 

He went over to the desk, where he had a small electric griddle plugged in. 

“Where did you get that?” she asked with a smile. 

“I asked at the front desk,” he grinned. “And they obliged.” 

About fifteen minutes later, he presented her with a plate of pancakes and refilled her mug. 

“Wow. Damn, baby. This is starting _very_ well,” Tonks said with a shy smile as she cut her first bite. 

“What’s starting well?” Lupin asked. 

“Your proposal,” she replied, smiling at him adoringly. 

“What proposal?” He laid down in bed next to her and opened up the paper, pretending to be engrossed in the upcoming week’s weather forecast. 

Tonks froze for a moment and looked at him, but then noticed that the corners of his lips were curling up ever so slightly. “You’re an asshole, Remus Lupin.” 

He smiled and kissed her shoulder. “Eat your breakfast, Dora. I don’t want it to get cold.” 

After she finished eating and he cleared the plates, Lupin told her to get dressed. “Let’s go for a walk.” 

She quickly put on a skirt and tank top and pulled her hair in a ponytail. “Okay. I’m ready,” she said, lacing up her sneakers. 

He held out his hand and she took it, intertwining her fingers in his, and they walked down the cobblestone streets toward the castle. Tonks kept sneaking glances at Lupin, wishing she knew how to read minds. 

After ten minutes of walking hand-in-hand in complete silence, Tonks finally asked, “Aren’t you going to say anything?” 

Lupin smiled down at her. “I’m thinking. I’m almost ready. Promise.” 

“Okay,” she said. 

Before long, they arrived at the bottom of the stairs to the Edinburgh Observatory. Tonks stopped dead in her tracks and grinned at him, and he kissed her hand, pulling her toward the stairs. “Come on.” 

They got to the top, and she realized her legs were shaking. Lupin led her to the edge of the rooftop, sitting down on the concrete ledge, and gestured for her to join him. Remus still sat quietly for another long moment, closing his eyes.

Then he opened them. “Okay, I’m ready.” 

Tonks forced her face to stay steady, her heart pounding.

Lupin took both of her hands in his, looking deep into her eyes. “Here’s the truth, Dora. I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow. Or next week. Both of us still working for the Order... we might have jobs where we have to spend time apart. One of us could die. Both of us could die. We don’t know.” 

She swallowed and nodded solemnly, letting out a shaky breath.

“But you feel like home more than any place I’ve ever actually lived, Dora. Life seems more fragile than ever, and I don’t want to spend the rest of mine wondering what could have happened. I love you, and after wasting too much time being stubborn, I’m scared if we don’t do this now, we might miss our chance to be together, for however long we have left. Who knows? It could be fifty years. You sure you’re ready to put up with me for that long?” 

She grinned at him with bright eyes. “Hmmm… fifty years from now, I’ll still be able to look however I want, and you’ll just be… old,” she teased. 

Lupin rolled his eyes at her, but wore a smile on his face. “I’m sorry I’ve been difficult. I know it won’t be perfect. I’m not going to make you any promises that I can’t keep or pretend that all of a sudden things will be easy. Our situation is… unique. Always will be. But I want to come home to you when it’s all over. Marry me.” 

Tonks looked at him, biting her lip. “Holy fuck.” 

“Is that a yes?” he asked nervously

She nodded, wrapping her arms around his neck, and a wide smile spread across Lupin’s face. 

“So, when should we do it?” she asked. 

He shrugged and grinned sheepishly. “I don’t know... do you think we can make it happen today? After all this time being a fool, I don’t want to spend another day on this earth if you’re not my wife.” 

She burst out laughing, kissing him over and over and over. 

*** 

On their way back to the hotel, they walked past a dress shop on Victoria Street, and Tonks raised her eyebrows. “Want to help me pick something out?” 

“Umm, yes please.” 

When the sales staff heard that they were shopping for a wedding ceremony, they all dropped everything and began bringing racks of dresses over for Tonks to try on. Her eyes went wide and shrugged at Lupin. She disappeared into the dressing room in the back and he loitered around uncomfortably until one of the girls came over and smiled at him.

“We normally don’t do this," the salesgirl said, smiling, "but do you want to go wait back in the fitting room area with her? It’s a little more private.” 

“Uhhh… ” Lupin stammered. 

“Yeah, you want to. Come on.” She smiled at him and led him to the back, pulling up a chair so he could sit right outside her room. 

Tonks came out a few minutes later in a long, frilly white gown and wrinkled her nose, giving him a giant thumbs down. 

Lupin laughed. “So that one’s a no?” 

“No way.”

She tried on a dozen different dresses for Lupin. He told her that he loved her in all of them, and she finally decided on a simple white lace sleeveless dress that stopped just above her knees. 

*** 

Back at the hotel, she stood in front of the mirror frowning at her appearance. “What color do you like my hair?” 

Lupin came up from behind her, wrapping his arms around her and kissing the side of her head. “It doesn’t matter to me. I just like you.” 

She turned her hair to its natural shade. “Really? Just boring old me?” 

He looked at her intensely, a small, content smile on his lips. “My love, there is absolutely nothing boring about you.” 

Tonks’ brown hair was twisted back in braids and the rest hung down in loose waves. Lupin was dressed in a suit that he had managed to iron most of the wrinkles out of.

The wedding was quiet, only the two of them and a witness they found at the local pub. They recited the traditional vows and placed rings on each other’s fingers, the ceremony lasting all of five minutes. When it was over, she threw her arms around his neck and he kissed her, lifting her off the ground and spinning her around. 

They rushed inside the nearest bar, Tonks exploding in a fit of giggles. “Barkeep! Your best champagne!” Lupin demanded with a grin. 

“Well, we only have one kind of champagne... and it’s not very good.” 

“We’ll take it!” Tonks declared, her smile matching Lupin’s. 

Minutes later, they were raising glasses of the sparkling wine to each other. 

“Cheers to you, my dear, the loveliest bride in this establishment.” 

Tonks looked around them and burst out laughing. There were only four other people in the bar, all of them very old men. “And cheers to my husband, the asshole.” 

He laughed and kissed her, wrapping his arms around her and dipping her back off of her barstool. “Remus!” she shrieked, gripping his shoulders tightly. 

He grinned down at her. “I fucking love you.” 

“I fucking love you too.” She pressed her lips against his again, and he pulled her back upright. She smiled and took another sip from her champagne. 

Lupin’s face darkened for a moment, and he then raised his glass again, taking a deep breath. “To Sirius, who under different circumstances would have given a hell of a best man toast.” 

Tonks closed her eyes tightly for a moment, then smiled and nodded. “To Sirius. Think we would have ever gotten together if it wasn’t for him?” 

Lupin smiled sadly and shrugged. “Honestly? I don’t know. Maybe not. I needed a lot of encouragement. He was always telling me not to let you go just because I was scared.” 

They both drained their glasses, and the bartender refilled them. 

Lupin looked at his new wife. “Was everything… okay?” 

She looked momentarily confused. “Was what okay?” 

He shrugged. “The wedding. Everything.” 

Tonks grinned. “You’re my husband. Nothing else really matters to me. I don’t care about all that shit.” 

Lupin nodded. “I’m sorry it was so fast. So quiet.” 

She leaned in and kissed him on the corner of his mouth. “I’m not sorry.” 

He ran his thumb over her cheekbone and smiled. “Wow. I just —” Lupin shook his head and trailed off, closing his eyes. 

“What?” Tonks prompted, tilting her head. 

He swallowed hard. “I’ve only been to one other wedding before. James and Lily. I was happy for them, but I also just felt this bitterness. I hated myself for it, but I was jealous that they had each other. And I had no one. I never thought I could have that. But then here you are.” 

She bit her lip and smiled. “Here I am.” 

*** 

Two hours later they stumbled down the street and into their hotel. Tonks was giggling and tipsy from all the champagne, clutching Lupin’s arm tightly to stay upright.

When they got inside their room, Tonks threw her arms around Lupin’s neck, laughing as she planted a trail of wet kisses down the side of his face. She pulled him toward her, and then shoved him backward onto the couch. 

Lupin landed awkwardly and grimaced. “Be careful with me, love. Did you forget that I’m an old man?” 

She rolled her eyes. “Shut up, Remus. Don’t be such a baby.” Standing in front of him, she peeled the straps of her dress off her shoulders and shimmied out of it, letting it drop to the floor. Lupin gaped at her in the moonlight, clad in white lace underwear and matching stockings, still wearing her silver heels. She walked wordlessly over to him and straddled his lap, her face inches away from his. Lupin felt his erection twitch beneath the pressure of her weight as she gripped onto the lapels of his jacket to steady herself. 

“Hello, husband,” Tonks breathed against his cheek, a grin spreading wide across her face. 

“Hi there,” he murmured back, fingering the lace tops of her stockings. 

“Why are you still wearing so many clothes?” she asked him, giggling. 

He groaned with anticipation. Biting her lip, Tonks knelt down on the floor in front of him as she slowly unbuckled his belt. She helped him unzip his pants and pull them down around his ankles, and then kept her eyes locked on his as she swirled her tongue around the head of his erection. Lupin watched her with wide eyes as she took him all the way into her mouth, humming happily, and his head dropped back. 

“Oh my god,” he moaned. 

Tonks released his cock from her mouth with a loud pop and stood in front of him again, reaching behind her back to unclasp her bra. Lupin’s hands stretched out to touch her, but she wagged her finger and shook her head teasingly. “No touching. Just watch.” 

“What?” Lupin protested. “That’s not fair.” 

She bit her lip and dropped one strap from her shoulder, and then the other, letting her bra fall to the floor. Lupin stared at her hungrily as she stepped forward and put one of her high heeled shoes in his lap. “Okay. You can help me take my shoes off.” 

Lupin looked up at her with his eyebrows raised and she just nodded. He grinned at her and planted a kiss on the inside of her knee, and she let out a soft, breathy moan. His shaking hands undid the buckles on her shoes, sliding them off and tossing them to the floor, and then he ran his fingers over the garter clasps. “Can we keep these on?” 

“If you want,” she murmured with a dangerous smile. 

She slowly removed his jacket, undid his tie, and unbuttoned his shirt, pulling it off of his shoulders. She leaned forward, kissing him lightly. “Come here already,” he begged. 

She straddled his lap once again and sunk down on him finally. They both groaned loudly. 

Tonks looked deep into his eyes as she rolled her hips, pleasure already coursing through her entire body. “You’re my husband,” she murmured, her eyes shining. She put her hands on either side of his face. 

“Yes, I am.” 

“And I’m your wife.” 

“My _wife_ ,” Lupin repeated, almost in disbelief. “I’m still not quite sure where you came from,” he murmured against her hair, his arms wrapped tightly around her waist. 

“Well, here I am,” she breathed. 

“I love you, Dora,” he whispered, burying his face in her soft skin. 

The newlyweds did very little actual sleeping that night. 


	40. We Don't Choose Who We Love

**July 6, 1997**

The happy couple spent much of the next week with the “do not disturb” sign permanently affixed to their hotel room door, one day melting into the next. After a year apart, each touch felt so precious, something that had been just out of reach for both of them for too long. Lupin pressed his lips to her soft skin, every kiss an apology, a promise to never let her go again.

They stayed in bed their entire last day in Edinburgh, covered only by the sheets and each other’s bodies. When their stomachs finally started grumbling so loudly in the early evening that they couldn't stand it anymore, they reluctantly untangled themselves to shower and get dressed for one last dinner out. They went to the same French restaurant that Tonks had found from their first trip together, Lupin’s hand boldly sliding up her skirt in the dark corner as they shared a bottle of wine.

Then they were back in the hotel room, not bothering to turn on any lights, and wordlessly took turns undressing each other. She pulled him back with her onto the couch, a shiver passing down her spine as he slowly dragged his tongue along the pale curve of her collarbone, kissing up her neck and gently biting her earlobe. She moaned as he pushed inside her again, moving slowly, his eyes locked intensely on hers, his hand cupping her face gently.

“This is so good,” Tonks breathed, looking at him with shining eyes. “Remus... you’re so good. We’re so _good_.” She wrapped her legs around his waist as he continued to thrust inside her, unhurried, each movement deliberate. She blinked and her eyelids spilled over, catching her off guard.

“Hey,” Lupin murmured tenderly, brushing the tears off her cheeks. “You okay? What is it?”

She shook her head, laughing. “Sorry. I’m just —” She trailed off and let out a shuddering gasp, choking back a sob.

He stilled inside her. “Hey, love. What’s wrong?”

Tonks slowly exhaled and a grin spread across her face. “Nothing’s wrong. Absolutely nothing. I’ve wanted this for so long. To have you back. But I spent most the past year convincing myself that I’d probably never see you again. I’m just... still taking it all in I guess.”

Lupin nodded, kissing her forehead, her nose, her lips. He understood that feeling of disbelief all too well. “You’re everything, Dora. You always have been. I’m just not good at showing it.” He pulled out and slowly slid back inside her, both of them sighing loudly as he filled her up and they became one. “I’m going to be better. I promise, Dora. Only good things from now on.”

***

**July 9, 1997**

But all good things must end, and before they knew it, the honeymoon was over, and the two reluctantly returned to reality. Tonks managed to find them a small, dingy house to rent for the next month until they could figure out something more permanent.

When Tonks showed the house to Lupin, she reached for the front doorknob, but he stopped her. She looked at him quizzically as he scooped her up in his arms and carried her across the threshold, a broad smile across his face. “Welcome home, Mrs. Lupin.”

Tonks grinned back at him. “Holy fuck, look at you. But don’t you dare call this place home. It’s kind of a dump, and it’s only until we find something better.”

***

The Order was meeting at the Burrow the following evening for dinner, and Tonks found herself nervously chewing on her thumb. “Are we going to tell them?”

“Tell them what? That we got married?” Lupin paused thoughtfully. “Hmm. I don’t know... maybe not right away? Let’s get caught up with the Order first. A lot’s happened while we were gone, and I don’t want to be a distraction. We’ll tell them when the time feels right. Is that okay with you?”

She nodded. “Yeah. That’s fine. Sounds good. I’ll follow your lead, love.”

***

**July 10, 1997**

Lupin and Tonks walked into the Burrow for the meeting to find that the dining room was already filled with colleagues from the Order. Molly and Arthur were both already there, as well as Bill, Kingsley, McGonagall, Hagrid, and Mad-Eye Moody, who had taken over as the head of the Order since Dumbledore’s death. All eyes were on the pair as they walked into the house.

“Well, look who’s back. Where have you two been?” Molly asked, smiling, her hands on her hips.

Tonks started, willing her expression and her voice to stay neutral. “We just both needed a few days away after — everything. But now we’re here, and we’re ready to get back to work and —”

“ — we got married,” Lupin blurted out.

Tonks’ jaw dropped and she smacked him in the arm. “ _Remus _! You’re the one who said we should _wait_ to tell people!”__

____

He just grinned at her and shrugged. “Sorry. I changed my mind.”

____

Everyone started talking at once.

____

“You got _married_?” Molly exclaimed.

____

“Congratulations!” said Arthur.

____

“Holy shit,” Kingsley commented, eyebrows raised.

____

“Blimey! That’s great!” said Hagrid.

____

“How wonderful,” smiled Minerva.

____

“Nice work,” said Bill with a wink, clapping Lupin on the back.

____

Tonks’ cheeks flushed pink and she still looked shocked as Lupin beamed and kissed her forehead.

____

“Well, fuck,” said Moody, scratching his head uncomfortably. “Guess this calls for a toast?” he grumbled, looking at Tonks. She gave him a hug, which he pretended to shrug off irritably, but Lupin caught him smiling ever so slightly.

____

Molly brought out some wine, and everyone raised a glass to the happy couple. Tonks got embarrassed and buried her face in Lupin’s shirt, and he just looked down at her and laughed, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her closer toward him.

____

After the celebration settled down, Mad-Eye introduced new business. In the wake of Dumbledore’s death, McGonagall had been promoted to headmistress. She flushed slightly as cheers went up around the table at this news, although no one was terribly surprised by the news.

____

The other pressing issue was Harry, who would need to be safely moved from his aunt and uncle’s home on Privet Drive before his seventeenth birthday at the end of the month. Mad-Eye started to describe a plan that would take a lot of preparation, a lot of coordination, and a lot more willing participants, and the Order got to work.

____

***

____

**July 15, 1997**

____

Tonks rolled over in bed one morning and stroked Lupin’s cheek, pressing a kiss to his jaw. His eyes blinked open, and she smiled at him. “Morning, love.”

____

“Mmm,” he grunted sleepily.

____

“We need to go tell my parents.”

____

Lupin’s eyes widened and he sat up, taking a deep breath. “Yeah. Okay,” he said.

____

***

____

Ted was outside and started shaking his head when he saw the two of them walking up the path toward the house. “Dora, it’s so good to see you, my love. Remus, wish I could say the same.”

____

“ _Dad_.”

____

“Honey, Dora’s here. And look, Remus is back — _hooray_.”

____

Andromeda’s head popped out. She looked surprised, but happy to see her daughter. “Be nice, Ted,” she hissed as she walked past. “Why don’t you two come inside? We can all sit down and catch up.”

____

They settled in the living room, Tonks and Lupin on the couch, Andromeda and Ted in armchairs, all around the large stone coffee table. Tonks chewed on her thumbnail, her foot tapping nervously. Ted was glaring at Lupin, his arms crossed, and Andromeda just looked desperate to quell the tension.

____

“So, we haven’t seen you in a while, Remus," she began cautiously. "Or you either, Nymphadora. We were, of course, heartbroken to hear about Dumbledore. It’s understandable that you’ve been busy. But we’re very happy to have you here now. Right, Ted?”

____

Ted stood up and went to look out the window, not saying a word. 

____

Tonks gulped. “Well, we have some news. Remus and I — we — well, we got married.” She held up her left hand. Ted spun around, and both her parents stared at the new ring on her finger.

____

“Oh,” Andromeda breathed, covering her mouth with her hand. “Oh, honey.”

____

Ted’s eyes flew to Lupin, who squirmed uncomfortably under his new father-in-law’s stunned stare.

____

“I wish you both could have been there,” Tonks said as she took Lupin’s hand, and he had never felt so guilty about their decision to marry quickly, in private.

____

Ted’s jaw twitched, and Andromeda still appeared to be in shock.

____

Tonks continued, rambling on hopefully. “It was very quiet. Things are dangerous these days, you know. With Dumbledore gone now — and Remus’ condition — well, it was just the two of us. We thought it best.”

____

Ted finally spoke. “You thought it best,” he repeated, sounding devastated. Tonks looked crestfallen at his reaction.

____

“You left town,” Ted said, turning to Lupin. “We thought you were gone.”

____

Lupin nodded. “I did. I was. I was on a job for the Order that took me away for a long time.”

____

Ted’s face remained cold. “Dora was very hurt by that.”

____

Lupin swallowed hard. “I know.”

____

“But you’re back now?” Ted asked, his tone skeptical.

____

“I am,” said Lupin, squeezing Tonks’ hand.

____

“Hmm. Guess we’ll see.”

____

“Dad. _Please_. We’re very happy.”

____

There was a long, awkward pause, and then Andromeda cleared her throat. “Look. We don’t choose who we love. And our families don’t always approve.” She raised her eyebrows pointedly at her husband, who suddenly looked down at his feet. “But I would imagine it’s a lot easier when they do.” 

____

Ted sighed loudly, but his face began to soften.

____

Andromeda smiled at her daughter with love in her eyes. “Honey, I’m so happy for you. Welcome to our family, Remus.”

____

Tonks jumped up and threw her arms around her. “I love you, Mom. Thank you,” she choked out, wiping a tear off her cheek.

____

She turned to her dad, and Ted smiled sadly. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, then exhaled slowly as he looked at his daughter. “If you’re happy, Dora, then I’m happy for you,” he finally relented. “And you too, Remus,” he muttered after a look from Andromeda.

____

Tonks grinned, knowing that was about as good as she was going to get for now, and gave her dad a huge hug.

____

***

____

**July 19, 1997**

____

Lupin left his wife for the first full moon since they’d been married. Tonks stuck out her lower lip in a pout and he laughed as he wrapped his arms around her waist and picked her up, kissing her hard on the mouth.

____

She smiled and kissed him back. “Mmm. I’m gonna miss you. Come back safe, okay?”

____

“I can’t wait,” he murmured against her neck. “Love you.”

____

***

____

Tonks enjoyed a quiet night listening to music, smoking weed, and eating leftover pizza. She curled up with a good book and fell asleep with it open on the bed next to her.

____

A few hours later, she sat up in bed with a start. She’d had a strange dream, and now she was trying to remember the last time she’d had her period. Her mind raced as she counted back. It had been — oh, _fuck_. She was late.

____

***

____

The next day, she verified her suspicions for certain. A baby. This was something she had always wanted. But Remus was going to _lose his shit_ when she told him.

____

The only sleep Tonks got for the next three nights was fitful, sitting on the window seat, hugging her knees, her head pressed against the pane, looking longingly at the full moon.

____


	41. Until Only Those of True Blood Remain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we take a brief break from Lupin+Tonks plot to focus on the villains of the story... trust me, this will tie in later.

***This chapter is directly from _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_ by J.K. Rowling***

“Yaxley. Snape,” said a high, clear voice from the head of the table. “You are very nearly late.” The speaker was seated directly in front of the fireplace, so that it was difficult, at first, for the new arrivals to make out more than his silhouette. As they drew nearer, his face shone through the gloom, hairless, snakelike, with slits for nostrils and gleaming red eyes whose pupils were vertical. He was so pale that he seemed to emit a pearly glow.

“Severus, here,” said Voldemort, indicating a seat on his right. “Yaxley, you go beside Dolohov.” The two men took their places. Voldemort spoke to Snape first. “So?”

“My Lord, the Order of the Phoenix intends to move Potter from his current place of safety on Saturday next, at nightfall.” The interest of others around the table sharpened palpably: Some stiffened, others fidgeted, all gazing at Snape and Voldemort. 

“Saturday... at nightfall,” repeated Voldemort. His red eyes fastened upon Snape’s black ones with such intensity that some of the watchers looked away, apparently fearful that they themselves would be scorched by the ferocity of the gaze. Snape, however, looked calmly back into Voldemort’s face and, after a moment or two, Voldemort’s lipless mouth curved into something like a smile. “Good. Very good. And this information comes —”

“— from the source we discussed,” said Snape.

“My Lord.” Yaxley had leaned forward to look down the long table at Voldemort and Snape. All faces turned to him. “My Lord, I have heard differently.” Yaxley waited, but Voldemort did not speak, so he went on. “Dawlish, the Auror, let slip that Potter will not be moved until the thirtieth, the night before the boy turns seventeen.”

Snape was smiling. “My source told me that there are plans to lay a false trail; this must be it. No doubt a Confundus Charm has been placed upon Dawlish. It would not be the first time; he is known to be susceptible.”

“I assure you, my Lord, Dawlish seemed quite certain,” said Yaxley.

“If he has been Confunded, naturally he is certain,” said Snape. “I assure you, Yaxley, the Auror Office will play no further part in the protection of Harry Potter. The Order believes that we have infiltrated the Ministry.”

“The Order’s got one thing right, then, eh?” said a squat man sitting by Yaxley; he gave a wheezy giggle that was echoed here and there along the table. Voldemort did not laugh.

“My Lord,” Yaxley went on, “Dawlish believes an entire party of Aurors will be used to transfer the boy —” 

Voldemort held up a large white hand, and Yaxley subsided at once, watching resentfully as Voldemort turned back to Snape. “Where are they going to hide the boy next?”

“At the home of someone from the Order,” said Snape. “The place has been given every protection that the Order and Ministry together could provide. I think that there’s little chance of taking him there, unless the Ministry has fallen before next Saturday.”

“Well, Yaxley?” Voldemort called down the table, the firelight glinting strangely in his red eyes. “Will the Ministry have fallen by next Saturday?”

Once again, all heads turned. Yaxley squared his shoulders. “My Lord, I have good news. I have — with difficulty, and after tremendous effort — succeeded in placing an Imperius Curse upon Pius Thicknesse.”

Many of those sitting around Yaxley looked impressed; his neighbor, Dolohov, a man with a long, twisted face, clapped him on the back.

“It is a start,” said Voldemort. “But Thicknesse is only one man. Scrimgeour must be surrounded by our people before I act. One failed attempt on the Minister’s life will set me back a long way.”

“Yes — my Lord, it’s true — but, as the Head of Magical Law Enforcement, Thicknesse has contact with the Minister, and with the Heads of the other Ministry departments. It will, I think, be easy now that we have such a high-ranking official under our control, to subjugate the others, and then they can all work together to bring Scrimgeour down.”

“As long as our friend Thicknesse is not discovered before he has converted the rest,” said Voldemort. “At any rate, it remains unlikely that the Ministry will be mine before next Saturday. If we cannot touch the boy at his destination, then it must be done while he travels.”

“We are at an advantage there, my Lord,” said Yaxley, who was determined to receive some portion of approval. “We now have several people planted within the Department of Magical Transport. If Potter Apparates or uses the Floo Network, we’ll know.”

“He will not do either,” said Snape. “The Order is eschewing any form of transport that is regulated by the Ministry; they mistrust everything to do with the place.”

“All the better,” said Voldemort. “He will have to move in the open. Easier to take, by far. I shall attend to the boy in person. There have been too many mistakes where Harry Potter is concerned. Some of them have been my own. That Potter lives is due more to my errors than to his triumphs. I have been careless, and so have been thwarted by luck and chance.. But I know better now. I understand those things that I did not understand before. I must be the one to kill Harry Potter, and I shall be.”

At these words, seemingly in response to them, a sudden wail sounded, a terrible, drawn-out cry of misery. Many of those at the table looked downward, startled, for the sound had seemed to issue from below their feet. 

“Wormtail,” said Voldemort, with no change in his quiet, thoughtful tone, and without removing his eyes from the revolving body above, “have I not spoken to you about keeping our prisoner quiet?”

“Yes, m-my Lord,” gasped a man halfway down the table, who had been sitting so low in his chair that it had appeared, at first glance, to be unoccupied. Now he scrambled from his seat and scurried from the room, leaving nothing behind him but a curious gleam of silver.

“As I was saying,” continued Voldemort, looking at the tense faces of his followers around the table. “I understand better now. I shall need, for instance, to borrow a wand from one of you before I go to kill Potter.” The faces around him displayed nothing but shock; he might have announced that he wanted to borrow one of their arms. “No volunteers?” said Voldemort. “Let’s see... Lucius, I see no reason for you to have a wand anymore.”

Lucius Malfoy looked up. His skin appeared yellowish and waxy in the firelight, and his eyes were sunken and shadowed. When he spoke, his voice was hoarse. “My Lord?” “Your wand, Lucius. I require your wand.”

“I... ” Malfoy glanced at his wife. She was staring straight ahead, as pale as he was, her long blonde hair hanging down her back, but beneath the table her slim fingers closed briefly on his wrist.

At her touch, Malfoy put his hand into his robes, withdrew a wand, and passed it along to Voldemort, who held it up in front of his red eyes, examining it closely. “What is it?”

“Elm, my Lord,” whispered Malfoy.

“And the core?” “Dragon — dragon heartstring.”

“Good,” said Voldemort. He drew out his own wand to compare them. Lucius made an involuntary movement; for a fraction of a second, it seemed he expected to receive Voldemort’s wand in exchange for his own.The gesture was not missed by Voldemort, whose eyes widened maliciously. “Give you my wand, Lucius? My wand? I have given you your liberty, Lucius, is that not enough for you? But I have noticed that you and your family seem less than happy of late... What is it about my presence in your home that displeases you, Lucius?”

“Nothing — nothing, my Lord!”

“Such lies, Lucius.” The soft voice seemed to hiss on even after the cruel mouth had stopped moving. A few of the wizards barely repressed a shudder as the hissing grew louder; something heavy could be heard sliding across the floor beneath the table. The huge snake emerged to climb up Voldemort’s chair. Voldemort stroked the creature with long thin fingers, still looking at Lucius Malfoy.

“Why do the Malfoys look so unhappy with their lot? Is my return, my rise to power, not the very thing they professed to desire for so many years?”

“Of course, my Lord,” said Lucius Malfoy. His hand shook as he wiped sweat from his upper lip. “We did desire it — we do.”

To Malfoy’s left, his wife made an odd, stiff nod, her eyes averted from Voldemort and the snake. To his right, his son, Draco, glanced quickly at Voldemort and away again.

“My Lord,” said a woman halfway down the table, her voice constricted with emotion, “it’s an honor to have you here, in our family’s home. There is truly no higher pleasure.” Bellatrix leaned toward Voldemort, for mere words could not demonstrate her longing for closeness.

“No higher pleasure,” repeated Voldemort, his head tilted to one side as he considered Bellatrix. “That means a great deal, Bellatrix, from you.”

Her face flooded with color; her eyes welled with tears of delight. “My Lord knows I speak nothing but the truth!”

“No higher pleasure… even compared with the happy event that, I hear, has taken place in your family this week?”

She stared at him, her lips parted, evidently confused. “I don’t know what you mean, my Lord.” 

“I’m talking about your niece, Bellatrix. And yours, Lucius and Narcissa. She has just married the werewolf, Remus Lupin. You must be so proud.”

There was an eruption of laughter around the table. Many leaned forward to exchange gleeful looks; a few thumped the table with their fists. The great snake opened its mouth wide and hissed angrily, but the Death Eaters did not hear it, so jubilant were they at Bellatrix and the Malfoys’ humiliation.

Bellatrix’s face, so recently flushed with happiness, had turned an ugly, blotchy red. “She is no niece of ours, my Lord,” she spat out. “We — Narcissa and I — we haven’t set eyes on our sister since she married the Mudblood. Her daughter has nothing to do with us, nor any foul beast that she marries.”

“What say you, Draco?” asked Voldemort. “Will you babysit the cubs?”

The hilarity mounted; Draco looked in terror at his father, who was staring down into his own lap, then caught his mother’s eye. She shook her head almost imperceptibly, then resumed her own deadpan stare at the opposite wall.

“Enough,” said Voldemort, stroking the angry snake. “Enough.”And the laughter died at once. “Many of our oldest family trees become — diseased — over time,” he said as Bellatrix gazed at him, breathless and imploring. “You must prune yours, must you not, to keep it healthy? Cut away those parts that threaten the health of the rest.”

“Yes, my Lord,” whispered Bellatrix, and her eyes swam with tears of gratitude again. “And I will. At the first chance!”

“You shall have it,” said Voldemort. “And in your family, so in the world. We shall cut away the canker that infects us until only those of true blood remain…”


	42. Your Mother Would Be So Proud

**July 23, 1997**

Lupin returned after the full moon and felt his heart leap as Tonks came running out the front door of their rental house, throwing herself into his arms. He inhaled deeply, breathing her in after days apart.

“Mmm, you’re back. I _missed_ you, husband,” she murmured, wrapping her whole body around him as he wearily sagged against her. She helped him inside their house, keeping the news about the pregnancy to herself for now, wondering when the moment would be right to tell him.

***

**July 24, 1997**

The next morning, Lupin woke to find Tonks lying next to him on her stomach, still peacefully asleep. Her dark hair was fanned out on the pillow, contrasting with the milky skin of her bare shoulders. He ran his fingers lightly over her arms, then down the side of her ribcage. She stirred and rolled over toward him, a little sigh leaving her lips.

“Hey,” she breathed, her eyes blinking open and smiling.

“Hey.” He kissed her forehead gently as she stretched.

“How are you?”

“Good. I’ve been thinking... I want you to meet my father.”

Tonks sat up in bed. “Really?”

“Yes,” Lupin said quietly. “Will you come with me?”

“Today?”

“Uh huh. We’ll go over there for dinner tonight?”

She nodded at him, her eyes wide. “Yeah, okay.”

***

Tonks wore a simple blue sundress and sandals, her long, brown hair braided down her back. “How do I look?” she asked, looking nervously at Lupin.

“You’re perfect.” He kissed her forehead and smiled.

Lyall Lupin was already outside when the two of them came walking down the path toward his house. His face lit up at the sight of Remus, and then his gaze fell curiously to Tonks.

Lupin embraced his father. “Hi, Dad. It’s been a long time. You look good.”

“It’s wonderful to see you, son.”

Lupin took a deep breath and put his arm around Tonks’ waist, and she shyly stepped forward. “I’d like you to meet Dora… my wife.”

Lyall’s eyes widened, looking from his son to Tonks, and then back to Remus. “Wife?” he whispered. Lupin smiled and nodded, and Lyall turned his full attention to Tonks, clasping both of her hands. “My dear. It’s — well, it’s just so lovely to meet you.”

Tonks grinned at him. “I’m so happy to be here.”

Lyall turned back to Remus and raised his eyebrows, laughing. “You’re full of surprises, huh? Come in.”

He gestured, and they followed him inside the small, cluttered house. “Oh geez,” Lyall muttered, moving newspapers and dishes off the table. “Sorry, I wasn’t expecting anyone. You could let me know that you’re coming one of these times, you know,” he commented, raising his eyes at Remus, who just shrugged apologetically.

After Lyall cleared a spot, Lupin and Tonks sat down in chairs at the kitchen table.

“Something to drink?” Lyall offered. “Tea?”

Lupin shook his head. “We’re fine for now, Dad. Sit down.”

Lyall took a seat and looked across the table at Tonks with the same warm, kind eyes as his son. “Okay, Dora. Tell me, how did you and Remus meet?”

Tonks grinned. “We work together. They recruited me for the Order a couple of years ago, and when I reported for my very first day, Remus was there to show me around headquarters.”

“And to clean up your messes,” he chimed in with a good-natured smile.

She stuck her tongue out at him and turned back to Lyall. “We kept getting assigned to work together, and got to know each other better, and...” Tonks trailed off with a smile. “It was pretty much love at first sight for me, but I’m sure you know that your son can be shy and stubborn, so it took a while for us to finally admit how we felt.”

Lupin shrugged sheepishly, then cleared his throat and turned to his dad. “Dora is an Auror for the Ministry. One of the youngest ever to qualify. She’s been an invaluable addition to the Order.” He laced his fingers through hers and kissed the back of her hand.

“So when did you get married?” Lyall asked.

“Just a couple weeks ago,” Tonks said. “It was very quiet, just the two of us. And it was honestly a bit... sudden.” She bumped Remus with her elbow and rolled her eyes. “This one needed some convincing.”

“What? It was my idea to get married!” he said defensively.

“Yeah, after a year of trying to run away from me!” she shot back, glaring at him teasingly. Remus wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close to him, kissing her forehead, and she grinned. Then she looked at Lyall, her cheeks flushing pink. “Sorry.”

Lyall chuckled. “She reminds me of your mom. Never had to wonder what she was thinking, did we?” he said to Remus.

Lupin smiled and shook his head, gazing at Tonks adoringly. Then his expression turned somber and he looked back to his dad. “We should go visit her.”

Nodding, Lyall closed his eyes. “Yes. I’d like that.”

The trio walked through town until they arrived at a small cemetery with only about twenty graves. The green land was surrounded by a white picket fence, the flowers and trees beautifully maintained. Tonks followed them to a small headstone in the corner.

 _Hope Howell Lupin_  
_Wife. Mother. Friend._  
_1935 - 1979_

“I really can’t believe she’s been gone almost twenty years. I still miss her every day,” Lyall said, his voice breaking.

Lupin put her arm around his dad’s shoulders and Tonks swallowed down the lump in her throat as she watched them, not knowing what to say. She reached for Remus’ hand and gave it a squeeze, and he pressed a kiss to her forehead.

They walked back to Lyall’s house. Lupin headed straight to the kitchen to start dinner, while his dad and Tonks got better acquainted in the front room.

“My son is quite a chef, as I’m sure you know,” Lyall told Tonks. “I’m afraid the best meal I make is toast.”

Tonks giggled. “I’m hopeless in that department too. Remus does all the cooking, or we’d be eating cereal and grilled cheese sandwiches for the rest of our lives.”

Lyall laughed at that. “My wife taught him. She was an excellent cook.”

Tonks smiled. “Remus said that she taught him the piano too.”

Closing his eyes, Lyall grinned with pride. “Yes. My Hope was very musical. She had a beautiful singing voice.” He was quiet for a long moment. Then he looked at Tonks, his eyes shining. “Did Remus ever tell you the story of how she and I met?”

Tonks nodded. “Yes, he did... but I’d love to hear you tell it.”

Lupin felt his heart swell as he diced vegetables, listening to Tonks and his dad chatting like old friends.

***

After a delicious dinner, the three enjoyed another glass of wine. But as it got later into the evening, Tonks began to yawn, and Lupin wrapped his arm around her. She leaned into his shoulder, closing her eyes and sighing. Lyall smiled as he watched his son kiss the top of her head.

“Mmm. Ready to go?” Lupin murmured.

“Sorry. I’m okay. We can stay a little longer,” Tonks insisted, smiling sleepily.

“No, it’s late,” Lyall said, standing up. “I’ll let you two get going.” He took Tonks’ hand. “Please, come back and visit again, dear. You can bring Remus too if you want.” He winked at her, and she grinned and stood on her toes to kiss his cheek.

“It was so nice to meet you,” Tonks told him. “We’ll be sure to come back soon,” she promised.

Then Lyall gazed upon Remus’ scarred face and beamed. “Just look at you, son. I — I’ll admit, I never thought you’d — oh, I’m just so happy for you. She’s wonderful. Your mother would be so proud.”

Lupin swallowed hard and hugged Lyall tightly. “Thanks, Dad.”


	43. The Seven Potters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter obviously has a lot straight from Deathly Hallows, but I did include some original dialogue between Lupin and Tonks throughout, as well as short scenes about what they each encountered before finally making it to the Burrow.
> 
> I thought it was important to include a lot from the books here, since this is one of the most important Lupin/Tonks scenes in the series, is also the only time we meet Ted and Andromeda!
> 
> Since this chapter is heavy on the JKR content, I hope to have the next one ready to post tonight.

**July 27, 1997**

***Large sections of this chapter are from _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_ by J.K. Rowling***

__Harry looked at all the people assembled to aid in the mission:  
Ron, long and lanky;  
Hermione, her bushy hair tied back in a long plait;  
Fred and George, grinning identically;  
Bill, badly scarred and long-haired;  
Arthur, kind-faced, balding, his spectacles a little awry;  
Mad-Eye, battle-worn, one-legged, his bright blue magical eye whizzing;  
Tonks, whose hair was her favorite shade of bright pink;  
Lupin, grayer, more lined;  
Fleur, slender and beautiful, with her long silvery blonde hair;  
Kingsley, bald, black, broad-shouldered;  
Hagrid, standing hunchbacked to avoid hitting his head on the ceiling;  
and Mundungus Fletcher, small and dirty, and hangdog, with his matted hair._ _

__Harry’s heart seemed to expand and glow at the sight: He felt incredibly fond of all of them, even Mundungus, whom he had tried to strangle the last time they had met._ _

__“Kingsley, I thought you were looking after the Muggle Prime Minister?” he called across the room._ _

__“He’ll be alright for a night,” said Kingsley. “You’re more important.”_ _

__“Hey, Harry, guess what?” said Tonks, grinning from her perch on top of the washing machine, and she wiggled her left hand at him; a ring glittered there._ _

“You got _married_?” Harry yelped, looking from her to Lupin. 

__“I’m sorry you couldn’t be there, Harry, it was very quiet,” Lupin replied with a smile at Tonks, who winked back at him._ _

__“That’s brilliant, congrat —”_ _

__“All right, all right, we’ll have time for a cozy catch-up later!” roared Moody over the hubbub, and silence fell in the kitchen. Moody turned to Harry. “We had to abandon Plan A. Pius Thicknesse has gone over, which gives us a big problem. He’s made it an imprisonable offense to connect this house to the Floo Network, place a Portkey here, or Apparate in or out. All done in the name of your protection, to prevent You-Know-Who getting in at you. Absolutely pointless, seeing as your mother’s charm does that already. What he’s really done is to stop you getting out of here safely. Second problem: You’re underage, which means you’ve still got the Trace on you. If you, or anyone around you, casts a spell to get you out of here, Thicknesse is going to know about it, and so will the Death Eaters. We can’t wait for the Trace to break, because the moment you turn seventeen you’ll lose all the protection your mother gave you.”_ _

__“So what are we going to do?”_ _

__“We’re going to use the only means of transport left to us, the only ones the Trace can’t detect, because we don’t need to cast spells to use them: brooms, thestrals, and Hagrid’s motorbike. Your mother’s charm can only be broken under two conditions: when you come of age, or” — Moody gestured around the kitchen — “you no longer call this place home. You and your aunt and uncle are going your separate ways tonight, in the full understanding that you’re never going to live together again, correct?”_ _

__Harry nodded._ _

__“So this time, when you leave, there’ll be no going back, and the charm will break the moment you get outside its range. We’re choosing to break it early; the alternative is waiting for You-KnowWho to come and seize you the moment you turn seventeen. The one thing we’ve got on our side is that You-Know-Who doesn’t know we’re moving you tonight. We’ve leaked a fake trail to the Ministry: They think you’re not leaving until the thirtieth. However, this is You-Know-Who we’re dealing with, so we can’t just rely on him getting the date wrong; he’s bound to have a couple of Death Eaters patrolling the skies in this general area, just in case. So, we’ve given a dozen different houses every protection we can throw at them. They all look like they could be the place we’re going to hide you, they’ve all got a connection with the Order: my house, Kingsley’s place, Molly’s Auntie Muriel’s — you get the idea.”_ _

__“Yeah,” said Harry.“You’ll be going to Tonks’ parents. Now, once you’re safely within the boundaries of the protective enchantments we’ve put on their house, you’ll be able to use a Portkey to go get to the Burrow. Any questions?”_ _

__“Er — yes,” said Harry. “Maybe they won’t know which of the twelve secure houses I’m heading for at first, but won’t it be sort of obvious once fourteen of us fly off toward Tonks’ parents’?”_ _

__“Ah,” said Moody, “I forgot to mention the key point. Fourteen of us won’t be flying to Tonks’ parents’. There will be seven Harry Potters moving through the skies tonight, each of them with a companion, each pair heading for a different safe house.”_ _

__From inside his cloak Moody now withdrew a flask of what looked like mud. There was no need for him to say another word; Harry understood the rest of the plan. “No!” he said loudly, his voice ringing through the kitchen. “No way!”_ _

__“I told them you’d take it like this,” said Hermione with a hint of complacency._ _

__“If you think I’m going to let six people risk their lives — !”_ _

__“— because it’s the first time for all of us,” said Ron, rolling his eyes.“This is different, pretending to be me —”_ _

__“None of us really fancy it, Harry,” said Fred earnestly. “Imagine if something went wrong and we were stuck as specky, scrawny gits forever.”_ _

__Harry did not smile. “You can’t do it if I don’t cooperate, you need me to give you some hair.”_ _

__“Well, that’s that plan scuppered,” said George. “Obviously there’s no chance at all of us getting a bit of your hair unless you cooperate.”_ _

__“Yeah, thirteen of us against one bloke who’s not allowed to use magic; we’ve got no chance,” said Fred._ _

__“Funny,” said Harry, “really amusing.”_ _

__“If it has to come to force, it will,” growled Moody, his magical eye quivering a little in its socket as he glared at Harry. “Everyone here’s overage, Potter, they’re all prepared to take the risk. Let’s have no more arguments. Time’s wearing on. I want a few of your hairs, boy, now.”_ _

__“But this is mad, there’s no need —”_ _

__“No need!” snarled Moody. “You-Know-Who out there and half the Ministry on his side? If we’re lucky he’ll have swallowed the fake bait and will be planning to ambush you on the thirtieth, but he’d be mad not to have a Death Eater or two keeping an eye out, it’s what I’d do. They might not be able to get at you or this house while your mother’s charm holds, but it’s about to break and they know the rough position of the place. Our only chance is to use decoys. Even You-Know-Who can’t split himself into seven. So, Potter — some of your hair, if you please.”_ _

__Harry glanced at Ron, who grimaced at him in a just-do-it sort of way. “Now!” barked Moody. With all of their eyes upon him, Harry reached up to the top of his head, grabbed a hank of hair, and pulled. “Good,” said Moody, limping forward as he pulled the stopper out of the flask of potion. “Straight in here, if you please.” Harry dropped the hair into the liquid. The moment it made contact with its surface, the potion began to froth and smoke, then, all at once, it turned a clear, bright gold._ _

__“Right then, fake Potters line up over here, please,” said Moody. Ron, Hermione, Fred, George, and Fleur lined up in front of Aunt Petunia’s gleaming sink._ _

__“We’re one short,” said Lupin._ _

__“Here,” said Hagrid gruffly, and he lifted Mundungus by the scruff of the neck and dropped him down beside Fleur, who wrinkled her nose pointedly and moved along to stand between Fred and George instead._ _

__Moody pulled half a dozen glasses from inside his cloak, which he handed out, before pouring a little Polyjuice Potion into each one. “Altogether, then...”_ _

__Ron, Hermione, Fred, George, Fleur, and Mundungus drank. All of them gasped and grimaced as the potion hit their throats. Their features began to bubble and distort like hot wax. Hermione and Mundungus were shooting upward; Ron, Fred, and George were shrinking; their hair was darkening, Hermione’s and Fleur’s appearing to shoot backward into their skulls. Moody, quite unconcerned, was now loosening the ties of the large sacks he had brought with him. When he straightened up again, there were six Harry Potters gasping and panting in front of him._ _

__“Good,” said Moody. “The pairs will be as follows: Mundungus will be traveling with me, by broom —”_ _

__“Why’m I with you?” grunted the Harry nearest the back door._ _

__“Because you’re the one that needs watching,” growled Moody, and his magical eye did not waver from Mundungus as he continued, “Arthur and Fred —”_ _

__“I’m George,” said the twin at whom Moody was pointing. “Can’t you even tell us apart when we’re Harry?”_ _

__“Sorry, George —”_ _

__“I’m only yanking your wand, I’m Fred really —”_ _

__“Enough messing around!” snarled Moody. “The other one — George, Fred, whoever you are — you’re with Remus. Miss Delacour —”_ _

__“I’m taking Fleur on a thestral,” said Bill. “She’s not that fond of brooms.” Fleur walked over to stand beside him, giving him an adoring look._ _

__“Miss Granger with Kingsley, again by thestral —” Hermione looked reassured as she answered Kingsley’s smile._ _

__“Which leaves you and me, Ron!” said Tonks brightly, knocking over a mug as she waved at him._ _

__“An’ you’re with me, Harry. That all righ’?” said Hagrid, looking a little anxious. “We’ll be on the bike, brooms an’ thestrals can’t take me weight, see. Not a lot o’ room on the seat with me on it, though, so you’ll be in the sidecar.”_ _

__“That’s great,” said Harry._ _

__“We think the Death Eaters will expect you on a broom,” said Moody. “Snape’s had plenty of time to tell them everything about you, so if we do run into any Death Eaters, we’re betting they’ll choose one of the Potters who look at home on a broomstick. All right,” he went on, tying up the sack with the fake Potters’ clothes in it and leading the way back to the door, “I make it three minutes until we’re supposed to leave. No point locking the back door, it won’t keep the Death Eaters out when they come looking. Come on.”_ _

__On every side broomsticks were leaping into hands; Hermione had already been helped up onto a great black thestral by Kingsley, Fleur onto the other by Bill. Hagrid was standing ready beside the motorbike, goggles on._ _

__“Is this it? Is this Sirius’s bike?”_ _

__“The very same,” said Hagrid, beaming down at Harry. “An’ the last time yeh was on it, Harry, I could fit yeh in one hand!”_ _

__“All right then,” said Moody. “Everyone ready, please; I want us to leave at exactly the same time or the whole point of the diversion’s lost.” Everybody mounted their brooms._ _

__“Hold tight, Ron,” said Tonks, and Harry saw Ron throw a furtive, guilty look at Lupin before placing his hands on either side of her waist._ _

__Lupin smirked, amused at Ron’s obvious discomfort, and then met Tonks’ eyes and gave her a little nod. She grinned back at him and winked._ _

“Good luck,” shouted Moody. “See you all in about an hour at the Burrow. On the count of three. One... two... THREE.” 

*** 

Tonks zoomed through the dark sky above Little Whinging with Ron (disguised as Harry) behind her on the broom. Her heart was racing, a confident grin on her face as she focused on the mission. 

But it was less than a minute before the attack came from their left: Bellatrix and Rodolphus Lestrange were flying through the air toward them in a sleek jet black car. 

“ _Avada Kedavra_!” shrieked Bellatrix, pointing her wand straight at Tonks, who barely missed the green streak of light. 

“Holy shit!” yelled Ron, tightening his grip around Tonks’ waist and ducking his head. 

A masked Death Eater appeared on a broom, sending another bright flash their way. 

“ _Stupefy_!” Ron bellowed, aiming his wand, as Tonks expertly avoided being hit. The Death Eater fell through the air, and Tonks made a sharp turn to try and lose their pursuers. 

But Bellatrix was suddenly ahead of them, aiming the same curse again at her niece. “ _Avada Kedavra_!” When this one also missed, she screamed in frustration. “ _Die_ already, you mudblood cunt!” 

Tonks’ heart was pounding, gripping the broom with one clammy hand and shooting off a spell at the Lestrange car. That one missed them, and she managed to dodge yet another killing curse that was sent her way. “ _Diffindo_!” she shouted, and then Tonks and Ron heard the sound of a man in terrible pain as they sped away to safety.

*** 

Lupin and George’s broomstick took off in the opposite direction, and they were bombarded by a horde of masked Death Eaters within instants.

“ _Stupefy_!”

“ _Confringo_!”

“ _Crucio_!”

Remus, always cool under pressure, dodged the curses sent their way while George sent defensive spells over his shoulder. Lupin had only two things on his mind: getting him and George out of there, and praying that his Dora was safe.

Then Snape appeared, his wand pointed straight past them. “ _Sectumsempra_!”

George screamed in agony, slumping against Lupin, who wrapped an arm around his fallen comrade as he tried to navigate their way out on the broomstick.

*** 

__The next thing Harry knew, he was lying on cushions with a burning sensation in his ribs and right arm. His missing tooth had been regrown. The scar on his forehead was still throbbing. “Hagrid?” He opened his eyes and saw that he was lying on a sofa in an unfamiliar, lamplit sitting room. His rucksack lay on the floor a short distance away, wet and muddy._ _

__A fair-haired, big-bellied man was watching Harry anxiously. “Hagrid’s fine, son,” said the man, “the wife’s seeing to him now. How are you feeling? Anything else broken? I’ve fixed your ribs, your tooth, and your arm. I’m Ted, by the way, Ted Tonks — Dora’s father.”_ _

__Harry sat up too quickly: Lights popped in front of his eyes and he felt sick and giddy. “Voldemort —”_ _

__“Easy, now,” said Ted, placing a hand on Harry’s shoulder and pushing him back against the cushions. “That was a nasty crash you had. What happened, anyway? Something go wrong with the bike? Arthur Weasley overstretch himself again, him and his Muggle contraptions?”_ _

__“No,” said Harry, as his scar pulsed like an open wound. “Death Eaters, loads of them — we were chased —”_ _

__“Death Eaters?” said Ted sharply. “What d’you mean, Death Eaters? I thought they didn’t know you were being moved tonight, I thought —”_ _

__“They knew,” said Harry. Ted Tonks looked up at the ceiling as though he could see through it to the sky above. “Well, we know our protective charms hold, then, don’t we? They shouldn’t be able to get within a hundred yards of the place in any direction.”_ _

__Now Harry understood why Voldemort had vanished; it was the point when the bike crossed the barrier of the Order’s charms. He only hoped they would continue to work: He imagined Voldemort, a hundred yards above them, looking for a way to penetrate what Harry visualized as a great transparent bubble. He swung his legs off the sofa; he needed to see Hagrid with his own eyes before he would believe that he was alive._ _

__He had barely stood up, however, when a door opened and Hagrid squeezed through it, his face covered in mud and blood, limping a little but miraculously alive. “Harry!” Knocking over two delicate tables and an aspidistra, he covered the floor between them in two strides and pulled Harry into a hug that nearly cracked his newly repaired ribs._ _

__“Blimey, Harry, how did yeh get out o’ that? I thought we were both goners.”_ _

“Yeah, me too. I can’t believe —” Harry broke off. He had just noticed the woman who had entered the room behind Hagrid. “ _You_!” Harry shouted, and he thrust his hand into his pocket, but it was empty. 

__“Your wand’s here, son,” said Ted, tapping it on Harry’s arm. “It fell right beside you, I picked it up. And that’s my wife you’re shouting at.”_ _

__“Oh, I’m — I’m sorry.” As she moved into the room, Mrs. Tonks’s resemblance to her sister Bellatrix became much less pronounced: Her hair was a light, soft brown and her eyes were notably wider and kinder._ _

__“What happened to our daughter?” she asked. “Hagrid said you were ambushed; where is Nymphadora?”_ _

__“I don’t know,” said Harry. “We don’t know what happened to anyone else.”_ _

__She and Ted exchanged looks. Guilt gripped Harry at the sight of their expressions; if any of the others had died, it was his fault, all his fault. He had consented to the plan, given them his hair... “The Portkey,” he said, remembering suddenly. “We’ve got to get back to the Burrow and find out — then we’ll be able to send you word, or — or Tonks will, once she’s —”_ _

__“Dora’ll be okay, Andromeda,” said Ted. “She knows her stuff, she’s been in plenty of tight spots with the Aurors. The Portkey’s through here,” he said. “It’s supposed to leave in three minutes, if you want to take it.”_ _

__“Yeah, we do,” said Harry. He seized his rucksack, swung it onto his shoulders. He looked at Mrs. Tonks, wanting to apologize for the state of fear in which he left her and for which he felt so terribly responsible, but no words occurred to him that did not seem hollow and insincere. “I’ll tell Tonks — Dora — to send word that she’s alright. Thanks for patching us up, thanks for everything. I —”_ _

__He was glad to leave the room and follow Ted Tonks along a short hallway and into a bedroom. Hagrid came after them, bending to avoid hitting his head on the door lintel. “There you go, son. That’s the Portkey.” Mr. Tonks pointed to a small, silver hairbrush lying on the dressing table._ _

__“Thanks,” said Harry, reaching out to place a finger on it, ready to leave._ _

__“Wait a moment,” said Hagrid, looking around. “Harry, where’s Hedwig?”_ _

__“She got hit,” said Harry. The realization crashed over him: He felt ashamed of himself as the tears stung his eyes. The owl had been his companion, his one link with the magical world whenever he had been forced to return to the Dursleys._ _

__Hagrid reached out a great hand and patted him painfully on the shoulder. “Never mind,” he said gruffly. “She had a great old life —”_ _

__“Hagrid!” said Ted warningly, as the hairbrush glowed bright blue, and Hagrid only just got his finger to it in time. With a jerk behind the navel as though an invisible hook had dragged him forward, Harry was pulled into nothingness, spinning uncontrollably, his finger glued to the Portkey as he and Hagrid hurtled away from Mr. Tonks._ _

__Seconds later, Harry’s feet slammed onto hard ground and he fell onto his hands and knees in the yard of the Burrow. He heard screams. Throwing aside the hairbrush, Harry stood up, swaying slightly, and saw Mrs. Weasley and Ginny running down the steps by the back door as Hagrid, who had collapsed on landing, clambered to his feet._ _

__“Harry? You are the real Harry? Where are the others?” cried Mrs. Weasley._ _

__“What d’you mean? Isn’t anyone else back?” Harry panted. The answer was clearly etched in Mrs. Weasley’s pale face._ _

__“The Death Eaters were waiting for us,” Harry said “We were surrounded the moment we took off — they knew it was tonight — I don’t know what happened to anyone else, four of them chased us, it was all we could do to get away —” He could hear the self-justifying note in his voice, the plea for her to understand why he did not know what had happened to her sons._ _

__“Thank goodness you’re all right,” she said, pulling him into a tight hug he did not feel he deserved._ _

__“Haven’t go’ any brandy, have yeh, Molly?” asked Hagrid. “Fer medicinal purposes?” She could have summoned it by magic, but as she hurried back toward the crooked house, Harry knew that she wanted to hide her face._ _

__He turned to Ginny, and she answered his unspoken plea for information at once. “Ron and Tonks should have been back first, but their Portkey came back without them,” she said, pointing at a rusty oil can lying on the ground nearby. “That one,” she pointed at a sneaker, “should have been Dad and Fred’s. You and Hagrid were next, and if they made it, George and Lupin ought to be back in about a minute.”_ _

__Mrs. Weasley reappeared carrying a bottle of brandy, which she handed to Hagrid. He uncorked it and drank it straight down in one._ _

__“Mum!” shouted Ginny, pointing to a spot several feet away.__

 _ _A blue light appeared in the darkness: It grew larger and brighter, and then Lupin and George appeared, spinning and falling. Harry knew immediately that something was wrong: Lupin was supporting George, who was unconscious, his face covered in blood. Harry ran forward and seized George’s legs. Together, he and Lupin carried George into the house and through the kitchen to the sitting room, where they laid him on the sofa. As the light fell across George, Ginny gasped and Harry’s stomach lurched: One of George’s ears was missing. The side of his head and neck were drenched in shockingly scarlet blood._ _

__No sooner had Mrs. Weasley bent over her son than Lupin grabbed Harry by the arm and dragged him, none too gently, into the kitchen, where Hagrid was still attempting to ease his bulk through the back door. Lupin slammed him up against the wall roughly and pointed his wand at Harry’s throat.Harry’s eyes went wide._ _

__“Oi!” said Hagrid indignantly. “Le’ go of Harry!”_ _

Lupin ignored him.“What creature sat in the corner the first time that you visited my office at Hogwarts?” he said, giving Harry a violent shake. “ _Answer me!_ ” 

__“A — a grindylow in a tank, wasn’t it?”_ _

__Lupin released Harry and fell back against a kitchen cupboard._ _

__“Wha’ was tha’ about?” roared Hagrid._ _

__“I’m sorry, but I had to check,” said Lupin tersely. “We’ve been betrayed. Voldemort knew that you were being moved tonight and the only people who could have told him were involved in the plan. You might have been an impostor.”_ _

__“Why aren’ you checkin’ me?” panted Hagrid, struggling to fit through the door._ _

__“You’re half-giant,” said Lupin to Hagrid. “The Polyjuice Potion is designed for human use only.”_ _

__“None of the Order would have told Voldemort we were moving tonight,” said Harry. The idea was dreadful to him, he could not believe it of any of them. “Voldemort only caught up with me toward the end, he didn’t know which one I was in the beginning. If he’d been in on the plan he’d have known from the start I was the one with Hagrid.”_ _

__“Voldemort caught up with you?” said Lupin sharply. “What happened?”_ _

__Harry explained briefly how the Death Eaters had seemed to recognize him as the true Harry, how they had abandoned the chase, how they must have summoned Voldemort, who had appeared just before they had reached Tonks’ parents._ _

__“They recognized you? But how? What had you done?”_ _

__Harry tried to remember; the whole journey seemed like a blur of panic and confusion. “I saw Stan Shunpike. You know, the bloke who was the conductor on the Knight Bus? And I tried to Disarm him instead of — well, he doesn’t know what he’s doing, does he? He must be Imperiused!”_ _

__Lupin looked aghast. “Harry, the time for Disarming is past! These people want to kill you! At least Stun if you aren’t prepared to kill!”_ _

__“We were hundreds of feet up! Stan’s not himself, and if I Stunned him and he’d fallen, he’d have died the same as if I’d used Avada Kedavra! Expelliarmus saved me from Voldemort two years ago,” Harry added defiantly._ _

__“Yes, Harry,” said Lupin with painful restraint, “and a great number of Death Eaters witnessed that happening. It was a very unusual move then, under imminent threat of death. Repeating it tonight in front of Death Eaters who either witnessed or heard about it was close to suicidal!”_ _

__“So you think I should have killed Stan Shunpike?” said Harry angrily._ _

__“Of course not,” said Lupin, “but the Death Eaters would have expected you to attack back! Expelliarmus is a useful spell, Harry, but the Death Eaters seem to think it is your signature move, and I urge you not to let it become so.”_ _

__Lupin was making Harry feel idiotic, and yet there was still a grain of defiance inside him. “I won’t blast people out of my way just because they’re there,” said Harry. “That’s Voldemort’s job.” Lupin’s retort was lost: Finally squeezing through the door, Hagrid staggered to a chair and sat down; it collapsed beneath him. Ignoring his mingled oaths and apologies, Harry addressed Lupin again. “Will George be okay?”_ _

__All Lupin’s frustration with Harry seemed to drain away at the question. “I think so, but there’s no chance of replacing his ear, not when it’s been cursed off —”_ _

__There was a scuffling from outside. Lupin dove for the back door; Harry leapt over Hagrid’s legs and sprinted into the yard.__

 _ _Two figures had appeared in the yard, and as Harry ran toward them he realized they were Hermione, now returning to her normal appearance, and Kingsley, both clutching a bent coat hanger._ _

__Hermione flung herself into Harry’s arms, but Kingsley showed no pleasure at the sight of any of them. Harry saw him raise his wand and point it at Lupin’s chest._ _

__“The last words Albus Dumbledore spoke to the pair of us?”_ _

__“‘Harry is the best hope we have. Trust him,’” said Lupin calmly._ _

__Kingsley turned his wand on Harry, but Lupin said, “It’s him, I’ve checked.”_ _

__“All right,” said Kingsley, stowing his wand beneath his cloak. “Somebody betrayed us! They knew, they knew it was tonight!”_ _

__“So it seems,” replied Lupin, “but apparently they didn’t realize that there would be seven Harrys.”_ _

__“Small comfort!” snarled Kingsley. “Who else is back?”_ _

__“Only Harry, Hagrid, George, and me.”_ _

__Hermione stifled a little moan behind her hand._ _

__“What happened to you?” Lupin asked Kingsley._ _

__“Followed by five, injured two, might’ve killed one,” Kingsley reeled off, “and we saw You-Know-Who as well, he joined the chase halfway through but vanished pretty quickly. Remus, he can —”_ _

__“Fly,” supplied Harry. “I saw him too, he came after Hagrid and me.”_ _

__“So that’s why he left, to follow you!” said Kingsley. “I couldn’t understand why he’d vanished. But what made him change targets?”_ _

__“Harry behaved a little too kindly to Stan Shunpike,” said Lupin._ _

__“Stan?” repeated Hermione. “But I thought he was in Azkaban?”_ _

__Kingsley let out a mirthless laugh. “Hermione, there’s obviously been a mass breakout which the Ministry has hushed up. Travers’s hood fell off, he’s supposed to be inside. What happened to you, Remus? Where’s George?”_ _

__“He lost an ear,” said Lupin._ _

__“Lost an — ?” repeated Hermione in a high voice._ _

__“Snape’s work,” said Lupin._ _

__“Snape?” shouted Harry. “You didn’t say —”_ _

__“He lost his hood during the chase. Sectumsempra was always a speciality of Snape’s. Wish I could say I’d paid him back in kind, but it was all I could do to keep George on the broom after he was injured, he was losing so much blood.”_ _

__Silence fell as they all looked up at the sky. There was no sign of movement; the stars stared back, unblinking, indifferent, unobscured by flying friends. Where was Ron? Where were Fred and Arthur? Where were Bill, Fleur, Tonks, Mad-Eye, Mundungus?_ _

Kingsley was striding back and forth, glancing up at the sky with each turn. Hagrid, Hermione, and Lupin stood shoulder to shoulder, gazing up in silence. None of them looked around when Harry and Ginny joined their silent vigil. The minutes stretched into what might have been years. The slightest breath of wind made them all jump and turn toward the whispering bush or tree in the hope that one of the missing Order members might leap unscathed from it. 

__And then a broom materialized directly above them and streaked toward the ground —_ _

__“It’s them!” screamed Hermione._ _

__Tonks landed in a skid that sent earth and pebbles everywhere. “Remus!” she cried as she staggered off the broom into Lupin’s arms. His face was set and white: He seemed unable to speak._ _

__“I was so fucking scared,” Lupin finally murmured against her hair, swallowing the lump that had lodged in his throat. “I didn’t know where you were.”_ _

“I’m okay,” she breathed, feeling the weight of his body against her, her heart pounding as she melted against him. He was struggling to stand upright. Tonks looked over and saw that Hermoine and Ron were also clinging to each other for dear life.

“I thought — I thought —” Hermione stammered. 

__“I’m all right,” said Ron, patting her on the back. “I’m fine.”_ _

__“Ron was great,” Tonks said, finally relinquishing her hold on Lupin. “Wonderful. Stunned one of the Death Eaters, aiming at a moving target from a flying broom —”_ _

__“You did?” said Hermione, gazing up at Ron with her arms still around his neck._ _

__“Always the tone of surprise,” he said a little grumpily. “Are we the last back?”_ _

__“No,” said Ginny, “we’re still waiting for Bill and Fleur and Mad-Eye and Mundungus. I’m going to tell Mum and Dad you’re okay, Ron —” She ran back inside._ _

__“So what kept you? What happened?” Lupin sounded almost angry at Tonks._ _

__“Bellatrix,” said Tonks. “She wants me quite as much as she wants Harry, and she tried to kill me. I just wish I’d got her, I owe Bellatrix. But we definitely injured Rodolphus. Then we got to Ron’s Auntie Muriel’s and we’d missed our Portkey and she was fussing over us —”_ _

__A muscle was jumping in Lupin’s jaw. He nodded, unable to say anything else._ _

__“So what happened to you lot?” Tonks asked, turning to Harry, Hermione, and Kingsley. They recounted stories of their own journeys, but all the time the continued absence of Bill, Fleur, Mad-Eye, and Mundungus seemed to lie upon them like a frost._ _

__“I’m going to have to get back to Downing Street, I should have been there an hour ago,” said Kingsley finally, after a last sweeping gaze at the sky. “Let me know when they’re back.”_ _

__Lupin nodded. With a wave to the others, Kingsley walked into the darkness toward the gate. Harry thought he heard the faintest pop as Kingsley Disapparated just beyond the Burrow’s boundaries._ _

__Arthur and Molly came racing down the steps, Ginny behind them. Both parents hugged Ron before turning to Lupin and Tonks.__

 _ _“Thank you,” said Molly, “for our sons.”_ _

__“Don’t be silly, Molly,” said Tonks at once._ _

__“How’s George?” asked Lupin._ _

__“What’s wrong with him?” piped up Ron._ _

__“He’s lost —” She trailed off as a thestral soared into sight, and landed a few feet from them. Bill and Fleur slid from its back, windswept but unhurt._ _

__“Bill! Thank God, thank God —”_ _

__Molly ran to him, but the hug Bill gave her was perfunctory. Looking at his father, he said, “Mad-Eye’s dead.”_ _

__Nobody spoke, nobody moved._ _

__“We saw it,” said Bill; Fleur nodded, tear tracks glittering on her cheeks. “It happened just after we broke out of the circle: Mad-Eye and Dung were close by us, they were heading north too. Voldemort — he can fly — went straight for them. Dung panicked, I heard him cry out, Mad-Eye tried to stop him, but he Disapparated. Voldemort’s curse hit MadEye full in the face, he fell backward off his broom and — there was nothing we could do, nothing, we had half a dozen of them on our own tail —” Bill’s voice broke._ _

__“You couldn’t have done anything,” said Lupin. They all stood looking at each other. Nobody seemed to know what to do. Tonks was crying silently into a handkerchief. She had been close to Mad-Eye, his favorite and his protégée at the Ministry of Magic._ _

__Bill walked over to the sideboard and pulled out a bottle of firewhisky. “Here,” he said, and with a wave of his wand he sent twelve full glasses soaring through the room to each of them, holding the thirteenth aloft. “Mad-Eye.”_ _

__“Mad-Eye,” they all said, and drank._ _

__“So Mundungus disappeared?” said Lupin, who had drained his own glass in one. The atmosphere changed at once. Everybody looked tense, watching Lupin, both wanting him to go on, it seemed to Harry, and slightly afraid of what they might hear._ _

__“I know what you’re thinking,” said Bill, “and I wondered that too, on the way back here. They seemed to be expecting us, didn’t they? But Mundungus can’t have betrayed us. They didn’t know there would be seven Harrys, that confused them the moment we appeared, and in case you’ve forgotten, it was Mundungus who suggested that little bit of skullduggery. Why wouldn’t he have told them the essential point? Dung panicked, it’s as simple as that. He didn’t want to come in the first place, but Mad-Eye made him, and You-Know-Who went straight for them. It was enough to make anyone panic.”_ _

__“You-Know-Who acted exactly as Mad-Eye expected him to,” sniffed Tonks. “Mad-Eye said he’d expect the real Harry to be with the toughest, most skilled Aurors. He chased Mad-Eye first, and when Mundungus gave them away he switched to Kingsley... ”_ _

__“Yes, and zat eez all very good,” snapped Fleur, “but still eet does not explain ’ow zey knew we were moving ’Arry tonight, does eet? Somebody must ’ave been careless. Somebody let slip ze date to an outsider. It is ze only explanation for zem knowing ze date but not ze ’ole plan.”_ _

__“No,” Harry said aloud, and they all looked at him. “If somebody made a mistake and let something slip, I know they didn’t mean to do it. It’s not their fault,” he repeated, again a little louder than he would usually have spoken. “We’ve got to trust each other. I trust all of you, I don’t think anyone in this room would ever sell me to Voldemort.” Silence followed his words._ _

__“Well said, Harry,” said Fred unexpectedly.“Yeah, ’ear, ’ear,” said George, with half a glance at Fred, the corner of whose mouth twitched._ _

__Lupin was wearing an uncharacteristically odd expression as he looked at Harry. It was close to pitying._ _

__“You think I’m a fool?” demanded Harry.__

 _ _“No, I think you’re like James,” said Lupin, “who would have regarded it as the height of dishonor to mistrust his friends.”_ _

__Lupin had turned away from him, set down his glass upon a table, and addressed Bill, “There’s work to do. I can ask Kingsley whether —”_ _

__“No,” said Bill at once, “I’ll do it, I’ll come.”_ _

__“Where are you going?” said Tonks and Fleur together._ _

__“Mad-Eye’s body,” said Lupin. “We need to recover it.”_ _

__“Can’t it — ?” began Mrs. Weasley with an appealing look at Bill._ _

__“Wait?” said Bill. “Not unless you’d rather the Death Eaters took it?”_ _

__Nobody spoke. Lupin and Bill said good-bye and left. Tonks buried her head in her arms on the table and sobbed._ _


	44. Say That You Love Me

**July 31, 1997**

Tonks awoke in their rental house a few days later to find Lupin sitting on the edge of their bed. She knelt behind him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders.

“Hey,” she murmured. “Are you okay?” she asked, her head resting against his.

“Yeah. I’m just so fucking tired of losing people.”

“I know. Me too.” She clung to him tightly, taking a deep, shuddering breath.

“Do we _have_ to go to this party tonight?” Lupin asked.

“ _Remus_. It’s Harry’s birthday. Do you really not want to go?”

He shrugged.

“Okay, we don’t have to if you’re not up for it,” she said.

Lupin sighed. “No. It’s fine. Maybe it will help get my mind off things.”

Tonks pressed her lips to his cheek. “That’s a good attitude, love.”

Lupin looked at her skeptically. “You think a good attitude is enough to fix this mess?”

Tonks rolled her eyes at him. “I never said _that_.”

***

***A few lines of this section were taken from _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_ by J.K. Rowling***

By seven o’clock all the guests had arrived, led into the house by Fred and George, who had waited for them at the end of the lane. Hagrid had honored the occasion by wearing his best, a horrible, hairy brown suit. With Bill and Fleur’s wedding set for the very next day, Fleur’s entire family was also in attendance.

Although Lupin smiled as he shook Harry’s hand, Harry thought he looked unhappy. Tonks, beside him, looked simply radiant. “Happy birthday, Harry,” she said, hugging him tightly. 

Lupin went to talk to Charlie about something, and Molly pulled Tonks aside, smiling. “I’m just so happy that you two found your way back to each other, dear.”

Tonks grabbed her arm. “Molly. I’m _pregnant_ ,” she whispered urgently.

Molly’s eyes widened. “Oh. My. Have you told Remus yet?”

She shook her head. “I keep losing my nerve. He’s going to freak out.”

Just then Lupin was back at her side. “Everything okay?” he asked, noticing the anxious look on Tonks’ face.

“Of course,” she said, flashing a grin and taking his hand.

“I think we’d better start without Arthur,” Molly called to the garden at large. “He must have been held up at — oh!”

They all saw it at the same time: a streak of light that came across the yard and onto the table, where it resolved itself into a bright silver weasel, which stood on its hind legs and spoke with Arthur’s voice. “ _Minister of Magic coming with me._ ”

The Patronus dissolved into thin air, leaving Fleur’s family peering in astonishment at the place where it had vanished.

“We shouldn’t be here,” said Lupin. “Harry — I’m sorry — I’ll explain another time —” 

He seized Tonks’ wrist and pulled her away; they reached the fence, climbed over it, and vanished from sight. Molly looked bewildered. Lupin Apparated them back to their house in an instant before Tonks could even ask a single question. 

“What was that all about?” Tonks asked, looking genuinely confused as he flung open the front door and walked inside.

He turned to look at her over his shoulder. “Scrimgeour. Werewolves.”

She stopped dead in her tracks. “Huh? _Talk_ to me, Remus.”

“Scrimgeour and the Ministry are being very anti-werewolf at the moment. My presence wouldn’t have been welcome. And it would have reflected badly on the Weasleys. On you. On everyone, really. I’m a _liability_ ,” he spat out bitterly.

Tonks' face softened. “Love, just take a deep breath.”

“Don’t tell me to just take a deep breath,” he snapped at her. “This is serious.”

She raised her eyebrows at him and grabbed his hand. “Hey. I’m with you. I’m _always_ with you. Don’t take this out on me.”

Lupin looked at her, nodding. “I’m sorry. You’re right.” He inhaled slowly and let it out, his eyes still on her. “I’m going for a walk, okay? I just need a minute to cool off.”

“Want some company?”

“Not really,” Lupin replied. “I’ll be back in a few.”

His hand was on the doorknob when Tonks suddenly blurted out, “I’m pregnant.”

Lupin’s froze and turned around to look at her, unable to form words for what seemed like minutes. “But… that’s… not _possible_. We’ve been careful.”

“Uhh, no. Not really,” said Tonks. “We had all that champagne the night of our wedding, and I think… I think we were wrapped up in the moment and forgot. We really haven’t been very careful at all since we got back together.”

Lupin thought back. _Fuck_. She was right.

“Okay…” he said slowly. “Well… are you… going to have the baby?”

“What?” asked Tonks, looking horrified. “What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean,” he replied, a little coldly.

“I’m your _wife_. Are you really telling me to get rid of our baby?”

Lupin sighed. “I told you a long time ago that a baby wasn’t an option for us. Odds are that I’d pass along my lycanthropy and —” he trailed off. “It’s impossible, Dora. This can’t happen.”

“Well, it may not be ideal, but it happened.” Tonks looked him square in the eye. “I love you, Remus. We’ll figure it out.”

“I know you want to believe the best about every situation, and I love that about you. But this is — _complicated_.”

“What _isn’t_ complicated about us already?” she asked, throwing her hands up in exasperation.

Lupin collapsed in a nearby armchair and hung his head in his hands.

Tonks kneeled down in front of him. When he didn’t react, she reached out and grabbed the front of his shirt with her fists. “Hey,” she whispered. “We can do this.”

“I don’t know,” he breathed.

“Don’t give up on me.”

“I’m not giving up on you. But a baby was never part of the plan, Dora. _Never_.”

“Well, life doesn’t always go according to plan, does it?” Tonks climbed into his lap, curling herself around him, and pressed a trail of kisses down the side of his jaw. “I love you. Come here.”

Her mouth found his and he slowly relented, melting into her. Then her fingers reached for his belt buckle and started to undo it, but he closed his hand over hers.

“Come on, Dora. I don’t know if I’m really in the mood right now after hearing this news.”

She shrugged. “Well, you already got me pregnant, so what’s the worst that can happen?” Tonks stood up and reached out her hand to him. “Come here.”

He stood up, almost begrudgingly. She wrapped her arms around his neck and looked at him earnestly.

“I love you, Remus,” she said, kissing one corner of his mouth. “And you love me.” Her lips pressed against the other corner. “And we’ll find a way to make this work.”

Lupin looked at her with eyes full of worry, but she just smiled up at him. 

“Say it,” she urged. “Say that you love me and we’ll figure this out.”

“Dora...”

“ _Say it_.”

Lupin took a deep breath. “I love you, Dora. We’ll figure this out.”

“Mmm. We will. Now you need to relax, husband. Let me take care of you, huh?”


	45. Wedding Crashers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was incredibly painful to write. But as I've said, I wanted this story to fit with established HP canon, which means our beloved Remus is going to (temporarily) abandon his pregnant wife. I tried getting inside his head on this decision, and I couldn't fathom why he would leave her, unless something horrible happened to Tonks that he thought was his fault. And since we already know that Death Eaters show up at the Weasley wedding... ugh. Buckle up. This chapter gets ROUGH.

**August 1, 1997**

Tonks was wearing a floor-length green dress with a deep neckline and a slit halfway up her thigh for Bill and Fleur’s wedding. Her hair had been turned blonde for the occasion, curls that reached halfway down her back.

Lupin was putting on his tie in the mirror when he caught a glimpse of her behind him. “Damn.” His spun around to face her. “You look… _wow_.”

Smiling, he wrapped one of her curls around his finger. But then his smile faded as his eyes dropped to her still flat stomach and ran his hand over the material of her dress, swallowing hard.

“Hey,” she whispered. “It’ll be okay.”

Lupin nodded but remained unconvinced.

“I love you,” she reminded him, straightening his tie.

“I love you too,” he murmured, and kissed her forehead.

“We’ve been through a lot of shit, Remus. We can handle this too.”

***

***A few lines of this section were taken directly from _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_ by J.K. Rowling***

An hour later, they were walking up the path to the Burrow for the wedding.

“Wotcher,” said a familiar voice as Harry came out of the marquee again and found Tonks and Lupin at the front of the queue.

“Sorry about last night,” she added in a whisper as Harry led them up the aisle. “The Ministry’s being very anti-werewolf at the moment and we thought our presence might not do you any favors.”

Lupin grimaced at her explanation, looking ashamed.

“It’s fine, I understand,” said Harry, speaking more to Lupin than Tonks. Lupin gave him a swift smile, but as they turned away, Harry saw his face fall again into lines of misery. 

Tonks noticed it too. “Hey, are you alright?” she asked, tugging on her husband’s arm.

He nodded, smiling tightly at her. “Sure.”

She rolled her eyes. “Okay, uh huh. I totally believe you.”

“Why did you say that to Harry?” asked Lupin sharply.

“Why did I say what?”

“Why did you tell him that anti-werewolf sentiment was the reason we left his party last night?”

“Because… it was? You said so yourself —”

“But you don’t need to tell people that. It’s _embarrassing_.” Lupin’s face was hard, his tone unusually harsh. 

She put her hands on her hips. “Are you saying I embarrassed you?”

“You’re ashamed of me,” he accused.

“I — wait, what?” Tonks looked confused. “That doesn’t even make sense, Remus.”

“You were upset the other night when we had to leave the party. You wished we could have stayed.”

“I mean — sure, yes? But why are we talking about this? I wasn’t mad at you then, and I’m not mad now. Why are you picking a fight with me, love?” She tilted her head and looked at him carefully.

“Sorry. I’m still dealing with your _news_. It’s a lot to take in.”

“News? What news? Oh, that I’m knocked up?”

“This isn’t something to joke about, Dora,” Lupin replied coldly.

She looked up at him with loving concern, pressing her hands to either side of his face. “Hey, let’s not fight. Please. There’s a lot to worry about, but let’s just have fun tonight. Don’t you remember what it was like to have fun? Let’s drink champagne and kiss and dance all night with our friends. And tomorrow we can figure out the rest. Deal?”

Lupin was quiet.

“One day at a time, Remus. You _promised_.”

He looked at her, nodding. There was plenty to worry about. But tonight, maybe he could enjoy just this one happy night with his wife. He wrapped his arms around her waist. “You’re right. I’m sorry, Dora.” He brushed a blonde curl off her face and kissed her on the forehead, and she smiled.

Tonks pressed her lips gently against his. “Come dance with me. Hopefully I don’t trip and make a fool out of myself in front of everyone.”

He smiled and took her hand. But just then, something large and silver came falling through the canopy over the dance floor. Graceful and gleaming, the lynx landed lightly in the middle of the astonished dancers. Heads turned, those nearest it froze absurdly in mid-dance. Then the Patronus’s mouth opened wide and it spoke in the deep, slow voice of Kingsley Shacklebolt. “ _The Ministry has fallen. Scrimgeour is dead. They are coming._ ”

Many people were only just realizing that something strange had happened; heads were still turning toward the silver cat as it vanished. Silence spread outward in cold ripples from the place where the Patronus had landed. Then somebody screamed. Guests were sprinting in all directions; many were Disapparating; the protective enchantments around the Burrow had broken.

Lupin sprang to his feet with a quick glance at Tonks, their wands raised, and both shouted “ _Protego_!” — a cry that was echoed by others on all sides.

Black clouds zipped through the air as Death Eaters materialized in their midst. Panic intensified all around, and in the chaos, Tonks got knocked to the ground.

“Remus!” she shouted, reaching up for him as someone trampled her in their haste to escape.

He turned to help her, his wand raised, when he was suddenly disarmed from behind. Antonin Dolohov clamped his hand down on his shoulder. “Remus Lupin, we meet again,” he sneered. “Why don’t you come with me, old friend?”

As Death Eaters began to question the remaining wedding guests, Lupin was taken into the Burrow. Tonks looked on helplessly, forced to take a seat next to Ginny Weasley in the tent. Her mind raced as she saw Dolohov grab Crabbe and Avery, and the three men dragged her husband into the house, their wands drawn.

***

They brought him into the kitchen and forced him into a chair. Avery bound Lupin’s hands behind his back and secured them to the chair rails. 

Dolohov leaned back against the counter and studied his captive carefully. “Well, hello, Remus. I thought I’d heard that you finally learned your place and were living in the woods among the rest of the _animals_ … but I guess I was mistaken.” He dragged another chair loudly across the floor. He straddled it and gave Lupin a long, measured look. “We just have so many wonderful memories together. How about that night at Argyllshire when I knocked you flat on your ass... or the time we dueled in Somerset? I think _you_ actually got the best of _me_ that night. How embarrassing.”

Lupin’s didn’t react, outwardly looking bored, even as his heart was pounding.

“But one of my favorite memories is the night that I dispatched your pals Fabian and Gideon — do you remember that night, Remus? Oh, wait. Of course you don’t. That’s right, a werewolf always leaves his friends high and dry when the full moon comes. Pity. They really held their own. Took five of us to take down the two of them. Just think, it could have turned out very differently if you had only been there to help.”

Lupin looked straight ahead, unflinching.

“And if I’m not mistaken, this is their sister’s house? Seems fitting. Do you think she blames you for what happened to her brothers, Remus? She’s probably told you that she doesn’t, but I bet you still wonder.”

“What do you want, Dolohov? I’d like to go home,” Lupin spoke evenly.

Dolohov ignored him and continued. “Of course I saw you again at the Department of Mysteries last year. I do regret that I wasn’t the one to finish off Black myself. I came close. Oh well... can’t win them all, I guess.”

“Yes — and as I recall, you were bested by a fifteen-year-old that evening, were you not?” Lupin leveled back.

Dolohov sneered, standing up. “I’ve got questions, Remus. This doesn’t have to be hard. Just tell us what we need to know, and we’ll let you be on your way.”

Lupin stared at him blankly.

“Was Harry Potter at the wedding tonight?”

“I didn’t see him at the wedding,” Lupin replied calmly.

“Where is he hiding? What is he planning?”

“I haven't the slightest.” 

“Oh, Remus.” Dolohov shook his head at Lupin as he spoke in a scornful tone. “I’m sorry, but I just don’t believe you. _Crucio_.”

Lupin recoiled as though struck by a sudden bolt of electricity, convulsing violently. His own screams sounded like they were coming from very far away, and every inch of his skin burned. He felt like his skull was going to split open.

When the agony finally stopped, the world was spinning on its side, the sudden silence thrumming painfully in his ears.

“Are you back?” Dolohov’s voice pulled him out of the fog. “Good. Let’s try again. What mission did Dumbledore leave for Harry Potter?”

“I have no idea,” Lupin choked out.

“You taught at Hogwarts — Dumbledore didn’t confide any of this in you?”

“I taught there for only one year, and that was nearly four years ago now.”

“Where is the sword of Gryffindor?”

“How would I _possibly_ know that, Dolohov? Come on.” Lupin shook his head, scoffing.

Dolohov sneered, ready to use the Cruciatus Curse again, when Avery glanced down at Lupin’s hand and spied the wedding band on his finger.

Avery grabbed Dolohov’s arm and grinned. “That’s right — that’s where I just heard his name, _Remus Lupin_ — at the meeting the other night. He’s the one who married that Mudblood girl, from Bellatrix’s family. Hey, Crabbe, go find her, get her in here.”

Cold dread spread throughout Lupin’s entire body as Crabbe left the room and Avery and Dolohov smirked at each other.

Time suddenly felt impossible to measure. How long was it since he had gone? Ten minutes? An hour? Lupin’s mind was racing. Then, in what seemed simultaneously like an eternity and no time at all, Crabbe was back, shoving Tonks through the Weasleys’ kitchen doorway. 

“Jesus. What took you so long?” Avery complained.

“Settle down,” said Crabbe. “It’s chaos out there. There are still a lot of people being questioned, and none of them are talking. It’s hard to figure out who was who. I had to threaten to kill some little red-haired brat before this one finally gave herself up.”

Tonks tripped over the hem of her dress and fell to the floor; the three men laughed. Dolohov dragged her to her feet and roughly pushed her down into the other chair, across from Lupin, and bound her wrists behind her back. She held her head high, her jaw set in defiance. She locked eyes with Remus and gave him the slightest nod. They’d get through this. He held her gaze and tried to swallow down his fear. 

Dolohov used his thumb to tilt up Tonks’ chin and whistled. “Damn. Now here’s one thing that doesn’t make sense to me, Remus. Maybe you can enlighten us, share your secrets? How exactly does someone like _you_ end up with a wife who looks like _this_?”

Lupin’s face was hard.

Dolohov crouched down to look Tonks square in the eyes, reaching out to touch a strand of her blonde hair. “Well, hello there. I don’t believe we’ve had the pleasure. Wow. You sure are beautiful.”

Tonks stared back at him, determined not to show her fear.

“Do you actually fuck that werewolf, sweetheart? What a waste. I bet your pussy tastes like heaven.”

Lupin felt the bile rising in his throat.

Dolohov leaned back against the counter. “Tell me, Remus. How exactly does this work? You leave her alone at every full moon? Man, I bet she gets lonely. Maybe I’ll come check on her sometime. Keep her company while the wolfman’s away.”

Crabbe and Avery’s laughter filled the kitchen, but Tonks and Lupin didn’t react, eyes locked on each other.

Dolohov walked over and looked at her with mock tenderness, clucking his tongue. “Such a pretty face.” He grinned at Lupin before slapping Tonks hard across her cheek with his open palm, the sound echoing throughout the room as an angry red mark instantly bloomed on her pale skin. She shut her eyes tightly, but remained outwardly composed, taking a deep breath.

Lupin lurched forward, and Avery and Crabbe held him back. “Settle down, lover boy. We’re just getting started,” Avery laughed in his ear.

Dolohov crouched down in front of Lupin. “Anything we asked you about earlier ringing a bell, Remus, or does your tongue still need some loosening?”

When Lupin didn’t reply, Dolohov shook his head. “It really pains me to do this. But suit yourself.” He backhanded Tonks with a sickening crack. She cried out forcefully this time, blood trickling from the spot on her cheekbone where Dolohov’s ring had busted her face open. 

The world seemed to go silent for Lupin as he screamed into the void, his eyes blazing, the two grinning Death Eaters struggling to restrain him.

Dolohov turned back. “Still nothing to tell me, Remus? Damn. She’s your fucking _wife_. That’s just cold, man.”

Lupin was desperate. He couldn’t betray the cause. But what was he supposed to do? Stay silent while they brutalized the woman he loved?

Tonks looked at him and gave her head an almost imperceptible shake. _Keep your mouth shut. I’m okay._ He exhaled and stared back at her helplessly, wishing she could somehow know all of the unspoken thoughts in his mind. She blinked twice.

Just then Corban Yaxley strode into the kitchen. “Well, well, well, what’s going on in here?” he asked, rubbing his hands together. “This looks like fun.”

Tonks froze. Her face remained hard, but her eyes filled with a kind of panic that Lupin had never seen from her before. The hair on the back of his neck stood up as he watched her whole body tense.

“Ahh, Yaxley, meet the werewolf Remus Lupin and his pretty little Mudblood wife. Well, she _was_ pretty. Now she’s having a bit of a rough night.”

The new arrival crouched down to look at Tonks, but she refused to meet his eyes. “Ouch. Yeah, that sure looks like it smarts.” Yaxley took his thumb and pressed hard against the gash on her cheek, and she winced. Laughing, he straightened up and walked over to the kitchen window, glancing outside.

Dolohov continued. “These two were just about to spill everything they know about Harry Potter and Dumbledore’s plan.”

“We don’t know anything,” growled Lupin.

Avery laughed coldly. “We don’t believe that for a second. You know something… and when you tell us, then you can both go home.”

“What about everyone else?” Remus asked.

“We already let some of ‘em go. Buncha no-name wedding guests,” Yaxley commented, taking a bite from the apple he’d picked up off the Weasleys’ counter.

“Then let her go too,” Lupin insisted. “She doesn’t know anything.”

“I don’t give a shit what she _knows_ ,” Dolohov said, shaking his head. “She’s only here to make you talk. You still don’t get that? I thought your species was moderately intelligent? No? Too bad. Time to start paying attention.”

Dolohov punched Tonks with his closed fist, square in the jaw. She let out a grunt as her head was thrown back, her lower lip splitting open. Her mouth filled with a metallic taste and the world seemed to spin, Lupin’s screams echoing in her ears. Gingerly running her tongue over the cut on her lip, Tonks spit blood and what looked like a broken piece of a tooth onto the floor.

Dolohov sneered. “Look what you made me do, Remus.”

“You know what?” Yaxley said slowly, chewing another bite of apple. “This bitch is tough as nails. I bet she’s involved.”

Dolohov grabbed Tonks’ shoulder, his eyes narrowing. “Are you a member of the Order of the Phoenix?”

“The _what_? I work for the Ministry.”

“Were you part of the team that moved Harry Potter from Privet Drive three nights ago?”

“Privet Drive? Never been,” she choked out, her heart pounding.

Another wand pointed at Lupin, but this time Avery was the one cursing him. “ _Crucio_.”

Remus’ eyes rolled back, and he convulsed once again like he was possessed. The chair toppled over, and he fell to the floor with it, his arms still tied to its rails. His screams were excruciating.

“Stop it!” Tonks shrieked, panic gripping her tightly.

“Where is Harry Potter?” Dolohov demanded.

“I don’t know! I don’t know! The Ministry has no idea where he is! Stop hurting him!”

“Have you been spying for the Order of the Phoenix?”

“What are you even _talking_ about?”

Avery dropped his wand and Lupin slumped to the floor in a heap, awkwardly pinned beneath the chair. Tonks sighed with momentary relief, gasping for breath, desperate for them to get out of this. Dolohov pulled him back to an upright position, and she could see the murderous gleam in Lupin’s eyes.

Yaxley walked around the back of Tonks’ chair with an unsettling grin, wrapping one of her long blonde curls around his finger. “You know, maybe I’ll go take a crack at her up in one of the bedrooms. I bet she starts talking then. Or more likely, _he_ will. She looks like a screamer.”

He took great pleasure in seeing the expression of horror on Lupin’s suddenly pale face as his words sunk in.

Yaxley untied her from the chair and grabbed her arm, jerking her to her feet. “I wish you didn’t fuck up her face so much, Dolohov. Ah well. She has other assets.” He cupped her breast, running his thumb roughly over her nipple through the thin material of her dress. He smiled with rancid breath, and Tonks’ stomach turned violently as he groped her, clearly spurred on by watching Lupin’s rage mount.

Lupin lunged forward, but this time Dolohov was there to pull him back along with the other two, their laughter taunting him.

He grabbed a fistful of Tonks’ hair and yanked her head back painfully, but Yaxley’s eyes never left Lupin’s face. “Need a surefire way to get someone to spill everything he knows? Make him listen while you fuck his wife in the ass. It’s always worked wonders for me.”

Something twitched in Tonks’ jaw, and then she spit in Yaxley’s face just before kneeing him in the balls. He dropped to the floor, and Dolohov was over there in a flash, seizing Tonks around the waist and pointing his wand at her throat.

“You goddamn _bitch_!” Yaxley screamed, doubled over, but already scrambling to his feet.

“Dora!” bellowed Lupin, fighting against Crabbe and Avery’s hold, his heart pounding. “ _No_! Don’t fucking touch her!”

Yaxley pushed Tonks against the wall, his hands around her neck. “Big fucking mistake, sweetheart,” he snarled, squeezing hard and cutting off her oxygen. Her eyes bulged as she struggled, her fingers desperately clawing at his hands and face as he choked the life out of her.

Lupin growled, lurching forward and knocking the chair to the ground again. He fell awkwardly, his jaw slamming into the slate floor.

“Yaxley, _wait_ ,” Dolohov urged suddenly. Crabbe righted the chair that Lupin was tied to as Dolohov whispered something in Yaxley’s ear. His hands slowly released Tonks’ throat, and she slumped to the floor, leaning back against the wall, wheezing for air.

Yaxley turned to Dolohov with wild eyes. “Are you fucking _kidding_ me?” he spat out.

Dolohov spoke in a low voice. “It’s your call. But I wouldn’t cross Bellatrix. You heard her. She specifically claimed this one for herself.”

Yaxley sneered as he looked at Tonks, red-faced and gasping on the ground. He kicked her hard in the ribs with the steel toe of his boot, and she grunted, doubled over and crying. Then he stormed out of the kitchen. 

The three remaining Death Eaters looked at each other in disbelief. Avery and Crabbe were still restraining Remus. “Uh... shit. Now what?” Crabbe said.

Dolohov looked at Lupin raging in the chair, and then to Tonks, reduced to a heap of nothing on the floor. “They would’ve talked by now if they knew something. We’ve got other places to check tonight. I think we’ve wasted enough time here.”

Crabbe let go of Lupin and just shook his head, following the same exit Yaxley had taken, while Avery slipped out through the back door. 

Pointing his wand in Lupin’s face, Dolohov sneered. “Until next time… Remus.” And then they were gone.

“ _Dora_ ,” Lupin choked out desperately, his voice shaky. He started dragging the chair across the room to get to her, just as Arthur and Molly burst into the room.

“Tonks!” Molly gasped and ran over with tears in her eyes, surveying the mess that was her friend’s face. “Oh, Arthur, go help Remus!”

Arthur rushed to Lupin, finally releasing him from the chair he had been bound to for the past few hours. Lupin had no feeling in his hands as he fell to his knees and crawled over to Tonks, who was leaning on Molly’s shoulder, sobbing, her whole body trembling. Molly looked horrified, her jaw set tightly.

Lupin slammed his eyes shut. “ **FUCK!** ” he screamed, his hands clenched into fists, and the Weasleys both jumped.

Arthur knelt down on the ground, putting a hand on Lupin’s shoulder. “What happened? What did they do to her?”

Lupin could barely find his voice. “They were using her to get me to talk. Don’t worry — we didn’t say anything. Is everyone else okay?”

Arthur nodded. “Most were able to get away. Harry, Ron and Hermoine escaped. Ginny and the twins and Bill and Fleur are all safe. I’m sorry to say it, but it seems like they just zeroed in on you, Remus. And then Tonks.”

And they only hurt her because of him. This was all his fault.

Molly had pulled back from Tonks and was using her wand to heal some of the wounds. She had already stopped the bleeding on Tonks’ right cheek and was now examining her busted lip and cracked tooth.

“Thanks, Molly,” Lupin said, his hand on their friend’s shoulder.

“I’m so sorry,” Molly breathed. “I can’t believe they did this to her.”

“They used the Cruciatus Curse on Remus,” Tonks supplied bitterly, and then grimaced at how much it hurt her mouth to talk.

“They _what_?” Arthur demanded.

Lupin nodded resentfully. “It’s true. More than once. Can’t say I ever want to be on the receiving end of that again.”

“It was horrible,” Tonks shuddered, and Lupin pulled her against him.

His eyes searched her face. Molly had been able to repair some of the damage, but the inch-long gash on her right cheekbone would never quite heal right. “I’m so sorry,” was all he could choke out, stroking her hair.

She shrugged, but when she blinked, more tears spilled out of her eyes.

Lupin felt sick at the sight of her green dress, now stained with blood. He closed his eyes, wrapping his arms around her protectively. “I’m going to fucking kill them all,” he vowed.

She took a deep breath and leaned into him, her shoulders shaking.

Pulling back, Lupin looked at her, a cloud passing over his face. He gestured toward her stomach hesitantly. “How’s — how do you feel?”

She nodded, wiping tears off her cheeks. “It’s okay I think.”

“You told him?” Molly asked with a small smile.

Lupin turned to Molly, his eyes wide. “You knew?”

Tonks grabbed his arm. “Remus, I’m sorry, I blurted it out to her the other night at their house, right before I told you.”

“Wait, what’s going on?” asked a confused Arthur.

Swallowing hard, Lupin wrapped an arm around his wife’s shoulders, unable to even fake a smile. “We’re having a baby.”

“A baby?” Arthur repeated, blinking. “Wow. That’s — well, congratulations.”

“Yes, thank you,” said Lupin flatly. 

“You two should leave for a bit,” urged Molly. “In case they come back. Get her out of town for now, Remus, you hear? We’ll be in touch soon.”

Tonks shivered against Lupin, despite the summer heat.


	46. The Aftermath

**August 2, 1997**

Lupin took them back to Edinburgh, renting the very same room at the very same hotel as before, but the stormy and unseasonably chilly weather on this trip matched the dark cloud hanging over their heads.

Tonks didn’t get out of bed for the whole first day. Lupin stayed by her side, just staring at the ceiling. They lay in complete silence for most of the morning. He stroked her hair as she drifted in and out of sleep, a painful lump in his throat.

A couple of hours later, she jerked awake, sitting up in panic, screaming. Lupin sat up, his arm firmly around her shoulders. “Hey. Hey... it’s okay, Dora. You’re safe. It’s okay. I’m here... you’re okay.”

She slumped against him and sobbed. Lupin's heart shattered all over again. He had let her down. He’d married her, selfishly, thinking they could have a real life. But it had only put her in harm’s way, as he’d always feared. He held her for a long time until she eventually quieted and shuddered against him.

“You’re safe now,” Remus murmured.

She swallowed hard. “I know.”

He wrapped his arms around her even more tightly.

“Ow. My ribs,” she winced.

“Shit. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

Lupin didn’t say anything for several minutes, wondering how to bring up the question that had been on his mind all day.

“Hey, Dora?”

“Yeah?”

“Yaxley,” he said hesitantly. 

“What about him?” she said, her tone hollow.

“It was him, wasn’t it? The one who hurt you before?”

She said nothing.

“Dora?”

“Yeah. It was him,” she relented, barely audible.

“ _Fuck_. Are you okay?”

“What do you think, Remus?”

Lupin was quiet for a moment, his whole body tense. “I’m going to kill him.”

The room was silent for a long time. Then he noticed that Tonks’ shoulders were shaking, and he ran his fingers through her hair.

She took a deep breath. “It was stupid to fight back. We were outnumbered. But when he put his hands on me — I just couldn’t let him touch me again.” Her voice broke.

He nodded, stroking her hair tenderly. “I know,” he croaked. “You did so good, Dora. You’re a fighter. I’m really fucking proud of you.”

***

The day only got worse when word came from Molly and Arthur later. Others had been questioned extensively: members of the Order, and anyone who they suspected of being sympathetic to the cause.

This included Tonks’ parents, who both endured that Cruciatus Curse at the hands of none other than Corban Yaxley — he had headed straight there after storming off from the Burrow. They were both okay, but considerably shaken.

“Oh my god, Remus... _my parents_?” Tonks covered her hands with her face as more tears flowed. “This is all my fault.”

“No,” Lupin shook his head, a stabbing in his chest. “It’s _mine_. They wouldn’t have looked twice at you if you weren’t my wife. I’m so sorry, Dora. I’m so, so sorry.”

***

**August 3, 1997**

Lupin awoke to hear awful sounds of retching from the bathroom. “Dora?” He knocked on the door, but there was no answer.

He pushed it open to find her sitting on the floor in her bra and pajama pants, her back against the wall. Her face and lips looked pale.

“Are you okay?”

“No.”

“Are you sick?”

“Yeah. But I — I think it’s because of the baby. I heard this happens sometimes.”

“Oh. Right. Do you — need anything?”

“No.”

“Are you hungry?”

“God no.”

He went and sat next to her. “Where’s your shirt?”

“Ugh. In the sink. I threw up on it.”

“I’m sorry.” Lupin looked down and saw the green and purple bruises on her ribs, the dark finger-shaped marks on her pale arms. “Fuck,” he muttered, hanging his head.

She leaned into him, closing her eyes.

“Are you... done? Do you want me to take you to bed? Or would you rather stay here?”

“I think I’m done. Take me back to bed, please.”

Lupin scooped her up in his arms and carried her across the hotel room, gently tucking her back into bed.

She was asleep within ten minutes, and he paced back and forth, feeling trapped. He stepped out onto the balcony. The rain was relentless.

When Tonks woke up a few hours later, Lupin ran to the corner store for some ginger ale and potato chips to settle her stomach. He also bought a cheap bouquet of colorful wildflowers, which he set on her nightstand next to the framed photos he’d grabbed on a whim while hastily packing bags at their house after the wedding — his feeble attempt at making her feel safe and comforted.

She smiled at him weakly. “Aww. Thank you.”

He nodded. “Do you need anything else?”

“No. I’m feeling a little better now. I think I want to take a shower. Wash the past few days off me.”

“Okay. That’s a good idea.”

Lupin waited for her on the bed, his mind racing. When she opened the bathroom door a half hour later, a cloud of steam billowed from the room and she came back to bed wrapped in a white bathrobe. Her hair was back to its natural shade, and she sighed as she laid back down against the pillow. “That feels a lot better.”

Lupin gave her a small smile, not meeting her eyes. “Good. I’m glad. Are you hungry for anything?”

“No. Just more sleep.”

He nodded and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

Lupin fell asleep for about an hour before he jerked awake with a start, his palms clammy, his whole body trembling uncontrollably. Nightmares had always plagued his sleep, but this one shook him to the core. He glanced down at Tonks, asleep, her dark hair fanned out around her on the pillow. He got up from bed, careful not to disturb her, and went out to the balcony.

It started like the same dream he’d had before, too many times to count. It always ended the same way, with Dora, lifeless on the ground. Usually Remus sat there helpless in the dream, watching it happen, unable to save her as some nameless shadow came and snatched her away from him. But this time there was no doubt — _he_ was the one who had hurt her, the one responsible for the carnage, her blood literally on his hands. Her dead eyes haunted him; she didn’t have a future with him around.

There was no going back to sleep after that.

***

**August 4, 1997**

Tonks woke in the middle of the night alone in bed, her heart pounding. She sat up, quickly getting her bearings. They were in Edinburgh. Although the monsters in her nightmares were real, she was safe for now. But where was Remus?

She got up and walked out to the balcony. He was sitting in a chair, looking out at the rain, his face stony.

“What are you doing?” she asked. “It’s three in the morning.”

He didn’t reply.

“Have you slept at all?”

“A little.”

“When you don’t sleep, your mind goes to bad places. _Talk_ to me, Remus.”

He shrugged. “I don’t know what to say.”

Tonks knelt down in front of him. “Tell me what you’re thinking. Or I can’t help.”

Lupin shook his head. “Help? Help with what?”

“Well, you haven’t actually _looked_ at me since everything happened, for starters.”

He finally gazed down at her with tormented, bloodshot eyes. “Look at what they did to you,” he choked out, running his thumb over the gash on her cheek that was sure to leave a permanent scar. Tonks closed her eyes and made it fade away, her pale skin flawless once again. Lupin laughed bitterly. “Oh, yeah, all better.”

“Hey — It’s over now.”

“It’s _over_? Dora, don’t be naive. This is just the beginning.”

“Will you come back to bed?”

“I’ll be there in a minute.”

“Okay,” she said, unconvinced, and walked back inside.

***

**August 5, 1997**

Tonks got up on Monday feeling better than she had since everything happened. She showered and dressed and went out to the balcony, where Lupin was sitting again.

“The rain stopped,” she spoke up.

Lupin didn’t respond.

“Do you want to go for a walk?” she asked hopefully.

He shook his head.

“Well I’m finally hungry. I'm going down to that shop on the corner to get a sandwich or something. Come with me.”

“No thanks.”

“Seriously?”

“I’m just going to stay here, Dora. Please?” 

“Okay,” she shrugged, a pained look on her face. “I’ll bring you back something.”

She shot him one last worried glance before walking out the door.

***

**August 6, 1997**

Tonks woke in bed alone, but she was getting used to that. She walked out to the balcony to find her husband leaning against the railing, watching the fog rolling by.

Sighing deeply, she went over to stand next to him. “What’s going on, Remus? You haven’t slept all week. You won’t talk to me. You look terrible. I’m starting to freak out.”

He stared straight ahead, his voice hollow. “I need to go back and help. The fucking Death Eaters have taken over the Ministry.”

She nodded. “Okay. I can get behind that. We’ve probably been gone long enough. We’ll leave today and regroup with the Order.”

“No, Dora. I don’t want you anywhere near this. Pack your things. I’m taking you to your parents’ house.” He turned and walked past her to get back inside the hotel room.

“Wait — _WHAT _?!” She followed him, hands on her hips, her eyes blazing.__

__“You heard me.”_ _

__“Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to, Remus Lupin?”_ _

“My _wife_. My _pregnant_ wife, who is in constant danger, all because of me. You’ll be better off without me — both of you will be. All of this is my fault.” 

“All of what?” 

“All of this!” he screamed, letting it all out, like a dam that had finally broken. “Running away from parties because werewolves are being ostracized and we don’t want to cause trouble — those fucking Death Eaters torturing you, to try and get me to talk — the fact that our unborn child is probably going to be a werewolf and I’ve doomed you to a life of hiding and shame — your dad fucking _hates_ me, I can see it on his face every time he looks at me, and when he finds out that I got you pregnant, wow, I can’t wait for his reaction — or how about the multiple murder attempts by your aunt Bellatrix? Do you know she plans to take you out for ‘dishonoring’ her family name? All because you married me!” 

__

__“Where did you hear that?” she demanded._ _

__

__“That’s what Yaxley and Dolohov were talking about in the kitchen. Why he didn’t just kill you right there. I put it together.”_ _

__

__“It doesn’t matter,” Tonks shot back. “They disowned my mother long ago, and I’ve been working against You-Know-Who — it doesn’t matter that I married you! Bellatrix would want me dead anyway.”_ _

__

“It matters,” Lupin said wearily. “Trust me. Just being with me automatically puts you in danger. Because of me, you almost got raped by that asshole — _again_. I can’t fucking live with this. I can’t keep putting you in danger.” His voice cracked. 

__

__“How is any of that your fault?” she argued desperately._ _

__

__“You wouldn’t have even been in that room if it weren’t for me. I’ve put a target on your back, Dora. I’m so sorry. I knew I’d put you in danger. It’s always been my hesitation with us. Now I know I was right to worry all along.” He hung his head._ _

__

__“Hey,” she said, her face softening. “Come here.” She reached out for his hand, but he pushed her away. He wasn’t looking to be comforted right now._ _

__

“And now _this_ fucking mess?” Lupin’s rant picked up steam again, his voice getting louder as he gestured to her stomach. “We never _once_ talked about having a baby. That’s a decision you made without me.” 

__

__“Excuse me?” she retorted. “First of all, it wasn’t a conscious decision. And you know how making a baby works, right? I didn’t exactly do it on my own.”_ _

__

“Dora, I’m _begging_ you not to have this baby. This is a terrible idea.” 

__

__“And you need to shut up about that. We’ll figure it out, together.”_ _

__

__“You say that now, but it will wear on you… living in hiding, cut off and separate from the rest of society.” He sounded weary. “It’s how my parents were forced to live after I was bitten. It’s not a life I’d wish on anyone.”_ _

__

__“Well I chose you, _and_ this life,” she reminded him. “You married me, remember? For better or worse and all that shit. I’m staying put.”_ _

__

__“I can’t do this anymore, Dora. I can’t stay. It’s too dangerous for you.”_ _

__

__She narrowed her eyes. “What are you saying?”_ _

__

__“This was a bad idea. Dolohov was right. I’m no good to anyone during a full moon. Leaving you alone like that, every month? What was I thinking?”_ _

__

She froze, her voice hoarse. “What _exactly_ are you saying, Remus?” 

__

__Lupin took a deep breath. “I’m leaving. And I don’t want you to come with me.”_ _

__

__Tonks stepped back with suddenly wide eyes. “What?” she whispered incredulously._ _

__

__“What kind of life do you think we’re going to have, Dora?”_ _

__

The ends of her hair flashed red to match her face. “Are you fucking _kidding_ me, Remus? We haven’t even been married a month! You really changed your mind that quickly? It was _your_ fucking idea to get married in the first place!” 

__

__“Well it was a huge mistake! I wasn’t thinking!” he yelled._ _

__

__Tonks gasped and looked as though he had slapped her across the face. Lupin felt immediately guilty, but made no movement to comfort her or take back his hurtful words. He took a deep breath and tried to speak in a calmer tone._ _

__

__“Dora, you’ll have a better life without me. You and the baby. You’ll be safer with your parents. They won’t desert you every few weeks and leave you unprotected.”__

__

“Unprotected?” she choked out. “ _Fuck you_ , Remus. I can take care of myself.” 

__

__“So Dolohov comes for a visit during a full moon while you’re sleeping and you think you’ll be able to take care of yourself? If he brings his buddies along too? Where are we going to live anyway? We have a baby on the way and I can’t even afford a fucking house! This is a disaster.”_ _

__

__“Okay, Dolohov was just saying that to rile you up, and — ”_ _

__

__“We don’t know that. The fucker smashed your face in for laughs.”_ _

__

__“You don’t want to leave me ‘unprotected’ during the full moon a few nights a month, so you’re just going to leave for good? That doesn’t even make sense!”_ _

__

“Dora, please. I’m tired.” 

__

“ _You’re_ tired? You think you’re being noble and saving me, but you’re just being a control freak who gets off on making decisions for both of us. Where the fuck do you think you’re going to go anyway? Back to the werewolves? That wasn’t good for you. Back to Grimmauld Place? No happy memories waiting there.” 

__

__“No — I’m pretty sure Dumbledore left Harry a mission, and he’s going to need my help.”__

__

__Tonks stood there with her mouth hanging open for a moment, looking dazed. “So after everything that just happened to us, you’re leaving me to deal with all of it alone so you can go off to play hero with a bunch of kids?” she said, her voice hollow with disbelief._ _

__

__Lupin didn’t reply._ _

__

Tonks’ eyes flashed, and she took both her hands and shoved his chest as hard as she could. “Shit gets real and you’re out, huh? You’re leaving me with our baby so you can go have an adventure with Harry? What kind of man _does_ that? I fucking _loved_ you, you asshole.” 

__

__“Dora, pack a bag. I’m taking you to your parents’ house.” He forced himself to speak calmly without emotion, but inside he was falling to pieces._ _

__

“Okay, fine,” Tonks said, looking up at him, her voice betraying her inner anguish. “Go ahead and leave. I won’t even try to stop you this time. I should have known you didn’t mean it, that you’d break my heart. _Again_. You’re a fucking coward, Remus.” 

__

__She gave him one last devastated look, and went into the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind her so hard that the wall shook, knocking a framed photo off of the nightstand. It hit the floor with a crash, the glass shattering._ _

__

__Lupin carefully picked up the broken shards and removed the picture. It was the only one they had from their wedding day, taken with a stranger’s camera of Tonks sitting on a barstool, holding a glass of champagne, her head thrown back in laughter. She looked so happy. How had that only been a few weeks ago? It hardly felt possible. The world had turned upside down since then. What was he thinking when he asked her to marry him? He should have never come back into her life. At least then she’d be safe._ _

__

__Lupin folded the picture of her and tucked it inside his pocket. Then he sat down on the bed, his head and heart feeling unbearably heavy._ _

__

*** 

__

__Lupin escorted an understandably indignant Tonks to her parents’ house later that day, her bag packed. Andromeda flung open the door with a warm smile when she saw them walking down the path, but then her forehead quickly creased when she noticed the look on her daughter’s face and sensed the tension between her and Remus._ _

__

__“What’s going on, you two?” she asked urgently._ _

__

__Tonks buried her face in her mother’s shoulder and Lupin put her bag down next to the front door. Andromeda frantically searched his face, looking for an explanation, but he couldn’t meet her eyes. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled, and turned around and started walking away._ _

__

__“Remus!” Andromeda called. “Wait! What happened?”_ _

__

__But he didn’t turn around._ _

__

When Lupin reached the edge of their property, he put an series of protections in place to keep the house from even being detected by any outside forces. His whole body felt heavy, his will to live devastatingly diminished. He took one last look at the Tonks’ home, and then he disappeared.

__


	47. I'd Be Pretty Ashamed of Him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: thoughts of self-harm

**August 9, 1997**

***This first section is from _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_ by J.K. Rowling***

The jinx broke: The dust-figure exploded again, and it was impossible to make out the newcomer through the dense gray cloud it left behind.

Harry pointed his wand into the middle of it. “Don’t move!” 

“Hold your fire, it’s me, Remus!”

“Oh, thank goodness,” said Hermione, pointing her wand at Mrs. Black instead; with a bang, the curtains swished shut again and silence fell. Ron too lowered his wand, but Harry did not.

“Show yourself!” he called back. 

Lupin moved forward into the lamplight, hands still held high in a gesture of surrender. “I am Remus Lupin, werewolf, sometimes known as Moony, one of the four creators of the Marauder’s Map, married to Nymphadora, usually known as Tonks, and I taught you how to produce a Patronus, Harry, which takes the form of a stag.”

“Oh, all right,” said Harry, lowering his wand, “but I had to check, didn’t I?”

“Speaking as your ex-Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, I quite agree that you had to check. Ron, Hermione, you shouldn’t be quite so quick to lower your defenses.” 

The kids all bounded down the stairs, smiles on their faces to see him, and Lupin swelled with pride.

“No sign of Severus, then?” he asked.

“No,” said Harry. “What’s going on? Is everyone okay?”

“Yes,” said Lupin, “but we’re being watched. There are a couple of Death Eaters in the square outside. I had to Apparate precisely onto the top step outside the front door to be sure that they would not see me. They can’t know you’re in here or I’m sure they’d have more people out there; they’re staking out everywhere that’s got a connection with you, Harry. Let’s go downstairs, there’s a lot to tell you, and I want to know what happened after you left the Burrow.” 

They descended into the kitchen, where Hermione pointed her wand at the grate. A fire sprang up: It gave the illusion of coziness to the stark stone walls and glistened off the long wooden table.

Lupin pulled a few butterbeers from beneath his traveling cloak and they sat down. “I’d have been here days ago, but I needed to shake off the Death Eater tailing me,” he said. 

“Tell us what happened after we left, we haven’t heard a thing since Ron’s dad told us the family were safe,” Harry urged.

“Well, Kingsley’s warning helped,” said Lupin, shaking his head. “Thanks to him, many of the wedding guests were able to Disapparate before the attack.”

“Were they Death Eaters or Ministry people?” interjected Hermione. 

“A mixture; but for all intents and purposes they’re the same thing now,” he said. “There were about a dozen of them. I heard they tried to torture your whereabouts out of Scrimgeour before they killed him; but if it’s true, he didn’t give you away. The Death Eaters searched the Burrow from top to bottom. They interrogated those of us who remained... for hours.” Lupin shuddered.

“They were trying to get information on you, Harry, but nobody apart from the Order knew you were there. At the same time that they were smashing up the wedding, more Death Eaters were forcing their way into every Order-connected house in the country. No deaths, but they were rough. They burned down Dedalus Diggle’s house, and they used the Cruciatus Curse on Tonks’ family. They’re all right — shaken, obviously, but otherwise okay.”

“Death Eaters got through those protective charms?” Harry asked, remembering how effective these had been on the night he crashed in Tonks’s parents’ garden.

“The Death Eaters have the full might of the Ministry on their side now,” said Lupin. “They’ve got the power to perform brutal spells without fear of identification or arrest. They managed to penetrate every defensive spell we cast against them, and once inside, they were completely open about why they’d come.”

“Are they bothering to give an excuse for torturing Harry’s whereabouts out of people?” asked Hermione, an edge to her voice.

“Well,” said Lupin. He hesitated, then pulled out a copy of the Daily Prophet and pushed it across the table, “You’ll find out sooner or later anyway. Here’s the pretext for going after you.”

Harry smoothed out the paper. A huge photograph of his own face filled the front page. He read the headline over it: WANTED FOR QUESTIONING ABOUT THE DEATH OF ALBUS DUMBLEDORE. Ron and Hermione gave roars of outrage, but Harry pushed the newspaper away.

“I’m sorry, Harry,” Lupin said.

“Death Eaters have taken over the Daily Prophet too?” asked Hermione furiously.

Lupin nodded.

“But surely people realize what’s going on?”

“The coup has been smooth and virtually silent,” said Lupin. “The official story is that Scrimgeour resigned; he’s been replaced by Pius Thicknesse, who is under the Imperius Curse.”

“Why didn’t Voldemort declare himself Minister of Magic?” asked Ron.

Lupin laughed. “He doesn’t need to, Ron. Effectively he is the Minister, but why should he sit behind a desk at the Ministry? His puppet is taking care of everyday business, leaving Voldemort free to extend his power beyond. Naturally, some have deduced what has happened: There has been such a dramatic change in Ministry policy and many are whispering that Voldemort must be behind it. However, that is the point: They whisper. They don’t confide in each other, not knowing whom to trust; they’re scared to speak out, in case their families are targeted. Voldemort is playing a clever game. Declaring himself might have provoked rebellion: Remaining masked just creates more confusion, uncertainty, and fear.”

“And this dramatic change in Ministry policy involves warning the Wizarding world against me instead of Voldemort?” asked Harry.

“That’s part of it,” said Lupin, “and it’s a masterstroke. Now that Dumbledore is dead, you — the Boy Who Lived — were sure to be the symbol for resistance to Voldemort. But by suggesting that you had a hand in the old hero’s death, Voldemort has not only set a price upon your head, but also sown doubt and fear amongst many who would have defended you. Meanwhile, the Ministry has started moving against Muggle-borns.” He pointed at the Daily Prophet. “Look at page two.”

Hermione turned the page with great distaste. “‘Muggle-born Register,’” she read aloud. “‘The Ministry of Magic is undertaking a survey of Muggle-borns to understand how they came to possess magic. Recent research has revealed that magic can only be passed when Wizards reproduce. When no proven Wizarding ancestry exists, the Muggle-born is likely to have obtained magical power by theft or force. The Ministry is determined to root out usurpers of magical power, and has issued an invitation to every Muggle-born to present themselves for interview by the newly appointed Registration Commission.’”

“People won’t let this happen,” said Ron.

“It’s already happening, Ron,” said Lupin. “Muggle-borns are being rounded up as we speak.” He hesitated. “I’ll understand if you can’t confirm this, Harry, but the Order is under the impression that Dumbledore left you a mission.”

“He did,” Harry replied, “and Ron and Hermione are coming with me.”

“Can you confide in me what the mission is?” Harry looked into the prematurely lined face, framed in thick but graying hair, and wished he could give a different answer.

“I can’t, Remus, I’m sorry. If Dumbledore didn’t tell you I don’t think I can.”

“I thought you’d say that,” said Lupin, looking disappointed. “But I might still be of use to you. You know what I am, what I can do. I could come to provide protection. There would be no need to tell me exactly what you were up to.”

Harry hesitated. It was a very tempting offer, though how they would be able to keep their mission secret from Lupin if he were with them all the time he could not imagine. 

Hermione, however, looked puzzled. “But what about Tonks?” she asked.

“What about her?” said Lupin.

“Well,” said Hermione, frowning, “you’re married! How does she feel about you going away with us?”

“Tonks will be perfectly safe,” said Lupin. “She’ll be at her parents’ house.” There was something strange in Lupin’s tone; it was almost cold. There was also something odd in the idea of Tonks remaining hidden at her parents’ house; she was, after all, a member of the Order and was likely to want to be in the thick of the action. 

“Remus,” said Hermione tentatively, “is everything all right between you and —”

“Everything’s fine,” said Lupin pointedly. Hermione turned pink. There was another pause, an awkward one, and then Lupin said, “Tonks is going to have a baby.”

“Oh, how wonderful!” squealed Hermione.

“Excellent!” said Ron enthusiastically.

“Congratulations,” said Harry.

Lupin gave a smile that was more like a grimace. “So… do you accept my offer? Will three become four? I cannot believe that Dumbledore would have disapproved. I was your Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, after all. And I must tell you that I believe that we are facing magic many of us have never encountered or imagined.”

Ron and Hermione both looked at Harry. “Just — just to be clear,” he said. “You want to leave Tonks at her parents’ house and come away with us?”

“She’ll be perfectly safe, they’ll look after her. Harry, I’m sure James would have wanted me to stick with you.” 

“Well,” said Harry slowly, “I’m not. I’m pretty sure my father would have wanted to know why you aren’t sticking with your own kid, actually.”

Lupin’s face drained of color. The temperature in the kitchen might have dropped ten degrees. Ron stared around the room as though he had been told to memorize it, while Hermione’s eyes swiveled backward and forward from Harry to Lupin. 

“You don’t understand,” said Lupin at last.

“Explain, then,” said Harry.

Lupin swallowed. “I — I made a grave mistake in marrying Tonks. I did it against my better judgment and I have regretted it very much ever since.”

“I see,” said Harry, “you’re going to dump her and the kid and run off with us?”

Lupin sprang to his feet: His chair toppled over backward, and he glared at them so fiercely that Harry saw, for the first time ever, the shadow of the wolf upon his human face. “Don’t you understand what I’ve done to my wife and my unborn child? I should never have married her, I’ve made her an outcast! You have only ever seen me amongst the Order, or under Dumbledore’s protection at Hogwarts! You don’t know how most of the Wizarding world sees creatures like me! When they know of my affliction, they can barely talk to me! Don’t you see what I’ve done? Even her own family is disgusted, what parents want their daughter to marry a werewolf? And the child — the child —”

Lupin seized handfuls of his own hair; he looked deranged. “My kind don’t usually breed! It will be like me, I am convinced — how can I forgive myself, when I knowingly risked passing on my own condition to an innocent child? And if, by some miracle, it’s not like me, then it will be better off, a hundred times so, without a father of whom it must always be ashamed!”

“Remus!” whispered Hermione, tears in her eyes. “Don’t say that — how could any child be ashamed of you?” 

“Oh, I don’t know, Hermione,” said Harry. “I’d be pretty ashamed of him.” Harry didn’t know where his rage was coming from, but it had propelled him to his feet. Lupin looked as though Harry had hit him. “If the new regime thinks Muggle-borns are bad, what will they do to a half-werewolf whose parents are in the Order? My father died trying to protect my mother and me, and you reckon he’d tell you to abandon your kid to go on an adventure with us?”

“How — how dare you?” said Lupin. “This is not about a desire for danger or personal glory — how dare you suggest such a —”

“I think you’re feeling a bit of a daredevil,” Harry said. “You fancy stepping into Sirius’s shoes —” 

“Harry, no!” Hermione begged him, but he continued to glare into Lupin’s livid face.

“I never would have believed that the man who taught me to fight dementors would turn out to be such a coward.”

Lupin drew his wand so fast that Harry had barely reached for his own; there was a loud bang and he felt himself flying backward as if punched; as he slammed into the kitchen wall and slid to the floor, he glimpsed Lupin’s cloak disappearing around the door.

“Remus, Remus, come back!” Hermione cried, but he did not respond.

***

Lupin stormed out of Grimmauld Place with Harry’s words echoing in his head. What the fuck could a kid understand about his life anyway? Nobody could understand what it felt like to be him, to be _cursed_.

With nowhere else to go, Lupin sought refuge at the Leaky Cauldron and drowned his sorrows in firewhisky. He occupied a table in the back corner, muttering to himself as he processed the injustice that had been done to him. How _dare_ Harry talk to him like that? Couldn’t everyone see that Remus was doing Tonks a _favor_ , giving her the freedom to pursue a normal life without him holding her back?

Tom, the innkeeper, came by to check on him. “Another drink?” he asked, gesturing to the empty glass.

Lupin nodded and Tom gave him another pour, but when he turned to leave, Remus mumbled, “Leave the bottle, would ya?”

Tom looked back at him with furrowed brow, hesitating for a moment before setting the it down on the table. “Bad day?”

Remus laughed bitterly. “You could say that.”

“You need a place to stay tonight, friend?”

Nodding miserably, Lupin drained the glass and immediately refilled it.

Tom shook his head. “Take it easy, yeah?”

Lupin lost track of how much he had to drink, one terrible thought bleeding into the next, finally passing out with his head on the table. Tom helped him up to one of the rooms above the bar, and for the first time in over a week, Remus fell into a dreamless sleep.

***

**August 10, 1997**

He woke a little after one o’clock the next afternoon, his head throbbing so loudly he couldn’t put together a coherent thought. He opened his eyes, but the pressure in his skull forced them to quickly shut again. _Fuck_.

He didn’t know where he was, but also didn’t particularly care at the moment. Pulling the covers back over his head, he tried to stop the room from spinning. And then everything rushed back to him in a painful flash that hit him like a punch to the gut. He felt like his chest was being ripped open, an emptiness rooting deep inside him. He would never be whole again.

How had he managed to make such an unbelievable mess of everything? Somehow, completely underserved, he’d won the heart of a beautiful, brilliant woman, and he’d repaid her by fucking up her life forever.

Despair began to take over the longer Remus stayed in that bed. What good was he to anyone? As a child, he’d ruined his family’s chance at a real life. His friends were all dead — but when they were alive, he’d needed them far more than they had ever needed him. He’d pushed away the only woman who had ever truly loved him. And now even Harry had lost all the respect he once held for his former professor.

He just wanted it to end. There was nothing left for him anymore, no way to make things right. The idea crept in so gradually it felt like it had been there all along, deep within him, in the back of his mind. There had always been a darkness inside of him, but Remus was quite certain he’d never felt this completely lost before. He knew what he needed to do.

Still moving in slow motion from his mind-bending hangover, he sat up and retrieved his belt from the floor, then looked up at the rafters above him. This room was as good a place as any to die. Dora would hate him for it, but she already hated him. She’d get over it.

The more he thought about it, him being _gone_ , unable to ever come back... that may be the only way she _could_ get over it. With him completely out of the picture, maybe she would finally move on and have a happy life. She was still so young; she had options. It devastated him to think about her in pain when she heard the news, but she’d be better off without him. This was the right move.

Lupin sat on the edge of the bed, gripping the belt so hard that the stiff leather dug painfully into his skin. He imagined taking his last breath and felt ready, strangely at peace, anxious for it to be over. He just needed a minute. He closed his eyes tightly, swallowing hard.

He remembered his parents: his mother comforting him as a child after a particularly bad nightmare, his dad’s hand on his shoulder.

He saw James and Sirius — and yes, even fucking Peter Pettigrew — all sticking by his side during school, the four of them laughing, so impressed by their own bold cleverness.

He thought of Dumbledore, giving him a chance for a better life, more than once, and how he had loved teaching at Hogwarts, even if it was only for a year.

And as much as it tore him apart — causing actual, _physical_ pain — he pictured Tonks with a beaming smile and bouncing pink curls under the streetlights on their first trip to Edinburgh. They really should have stayed.

Lupin was sure it had never felt so impossible to breathe.

 _Get up, goddamnit_ , he urged himself. _Just fucking do it_. But he was frozen in place. He couldn’t move.

Sitting in the dark, dusty room above the Leaky Cauldron, Remus hung his head and began to sob, the belt dropping to the ground with a dull thud. Dora was right. Harry was right. He _was_ a coward. He couldn’t even get _this_ right. He wanted to crawl below the floorboards and just fade away.

He wasn’t aware of how much time had passed when there was a faint knocking sound.

“You alright in there, mate?” came Tom’s voice through the door.

Somehow he pulled himself upright and made it across the room, turning the doorknob and coming face-to-face with Tom.

The man whistled. “Jesus Christ. You don’t look so good. I tried to let you sleep it off, but when the lunch rush ended and I still hadn’t seen you, I figured I should come up and check. Need anything?”

Lupin shook his head.

“You staying again tonight?”

He shrugged.

Tom nodded. “Okay. I’ll bring you something to eat for supper a bit later.”

“Thanks.”

The innkeeper turned to go, but then paused as if he’d thought better of it. “Who’s Dora?”

Remus looked devastated by the mere mention of her name. “My wife,” he whispered.

“Ah, I see. I won’t presume to know your business, but I’ve seen a lot of people at rock bottom. And it seems to me that problems usually just get worse if you try to run away from them.”

“What exactly did I say last night?” Lupin asked hesitantly, not remembering much of anything.

Tom scratched his head. “Aww, man. You were in pretty bad shape. When I helped you up here, you started crying and just kept saying ‘I’m sorry, Dora’ over and over again.”

Remus closed his eyes, his chest unbearably tight.

“Look, I don't know shit about shit — hell, I’ve been divorced twice — but maybe it’s not too late?” Tom offered.

There was a long, painful pause as Lupin composed himself. “Yeah, thanks,” he choked out.

***

**August 18, 1997**

Ted Tonks had never been fond of his son-in-law, but after Remus abandoned his daughter — and then especially when Tonks was finally able to spit out the news that she was pregnant — Ted went ballistic, calling him every name imaginable.

“You’re not helping,” Andromeda hissed.

“He’s fucking _ruined_ her!” Ted railed, his already ruddy face turning even redder as he spoke. “What kind of life is she going to have now? And the _child_? What sort of a man _does_ that?”

Tonks stood and walked wordlessly to her bedroom, closing the door quietly behind her, and sunk down onto the window seat. Pressing her forehead against the cool glass, she let out a shuddering breath. Anger was something she’d experienced initially, but those feelings had since faded to numbness.

She couldn’t believe how quickly everything had gone so wrong. She felt terrible; the morning sickness had gotten worse, and monsters with all-too-real names and faces plagued her nightmares, making sleep something she tried to avoid.

Wrapping a blanket around her shoulders, Tonks sat there silently for a long time, just looking up at the full moon.

A little while later, her mom knocked softly on the door and then poked her head through. “Dora, sweetheart. Can I come in?”

Tonks didn’t reply.

Andromeda sat down on the bed. “Your father really does mean well. He’s just trying to look out for you. But I know he doesn’t always react well at first.”

“There’s an understatement,” Tonks snorted, still looking out the window.

Studying her daughter’s face, Andromeda chose her words carefully. “You haven’t been sleeping. I feel like there’s something else that you’re not telling me. Did anything... happen? Do you want to talk?”

Squeezing her eyes shut, Tonks choked back a sob. “No, not yet.”

“I understand. I’ll be here when you’re ready.” Andromeda reached for her hand and gave it a squeeze. 

“Thanks, Mom.”

“You haven’t eaten anything all day. Let me fix you something. You’ll feel better.”

“No thanks... I’m not hungry.”

“I’m _worried_ about you, Nymphadora. You can’t stop living because Remus is gone.”

“I know. I just need some time, okay?”

Andromeda kissed the top of Tonks’ head, fighting back tears. “Well _I’m_ hungry, so I’m going to make myself a sandwich. There’ll be an extra one for you in case you change your mind.”


	48. Don’t You Dare Ever Fucking Leave Me Again

**August 24, 1997**

Nearly three weeks had passed since Lupin had last seen his wife when he arrived at her parents’ house. Ted Tonks opened the door, already shaking his head. Lupin felt ashamed just looking at the man, before he even opened his mouth. 

“What are you doing here, Remus?” Ted asked, a tired look in his eyes. 

“Hi, Ted. Is Dora home?”

“Please, just leave her alone,” Ted begged. “If you really love her, let her be. We’ll take care of her, and the baby too. They’re better off without you. You’ll only let them down. My daughter deserves so much more, Remus.”

Lupin swallowed hard. His father-in-law had just echoed all of his worst fears about himself, and it was almost enough to make him turn back around and walk away.

Just then Tonks appeared behind Ted in the doorway. “I got this, Dad.”

With a lingering glare for Lupin, Ted Tonks kissed his daughter on the forehead and went inside. She closed the door behind her, standing on the front step. She wore a long green sundress, her brown hair hung loosely around her shoulders, and her face was very pale.

“What do you want?” She sounded tired.

“I’m back.”

She crossed her arms. “I can see that.”

“For good.”

She scoffed, and the tips of her hair cooled to a frosty blue.

“You have every reason to be skeptical. I got scared and abandoned you.” He reached out to touch her stomach. “Both of you.”

Tonks’ jaw tightened, and Lupin dropped his hands to his side, taking a deep breath.

He shook his head. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Dora. It’s taken me a long time to get used to the idea that you could actually love me. I’ve always been afraid that you’d get hurt, and that it would be my fault. And then when they hurt you, at the Burrow... what they _did_ to you... what they _almost_ did... I was right, it was all my fault.”

Lupin’s eyes filled as he said this, and Tonks swallowed the lump in her throat.

“That would have never happened if you weren’t my wife. I could hardly live with it, Dora. It made me lose my damn mind. And the idea that I could have passed along my lycanthropy onto our child is — _devastating_.” 

His voice broke, and he took a deep, shaky breath before continuing.

“But I shouldn’t have left you alone with all of it. That was such a shitty thing to do. You needed me and I wasn’t there for you, and I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to make that right. It’s taken me far too long to come to my senses. I’ve wasted too much time feeling sorry for myself, and I know I hurt you, but if you’ll still have me, I’ll spend the rest of my days showing you just how much I love you. And how much I’ll love our baby — _no matter what_. You won’t have to face this alone.”

Tonks closed her eyes, the lids spilling over and leaving wet trails down her cheeks.

“ _Please_ ,” Lupin begged, so vulnerable, his voice breaking. “Please take me back, Dora. I’ve acted like a coward, but I’m _nothing_ without you. I know I don’t deserve you, but —”

She stepped down and wrapped her arms around him, burying her face in his shoulder. Lupin stopped talking and just held his wife, blinking back tears of gratitude, his heart bursting. She still loved him; she’d still have him.

“Don’t you dare ever fucking leave me again,” Tonks whispered hoarsely.

“I won’t,” Lupin promised, and this time he knew it was true.

***

**August 25, 1997**

Lupin spent the night on the couch at the Tonks’ house. He woke up to find Ted Tonks sitting in the armchair, drinking a cup of coffee and staring down at him.

“Uh, morning Ted.” Lupin scrambled to sit upright, scratching his head. Ted just glared at him.

Andromeda was slightly more forgiving than her husband, but still did not treat Lupin with the same warmth he had grown used to from her.

Tonks finally appeared in the front room, wearing a t-shirt and flannel pajama pants, and momentarily saved him from Ted’s wrath. “Come on, Remus. Let’s go for a walk.” She wrapped a sweater around her shoulders and slipped into a pair of sneakers. Lupin scrambled past her father to follow her outside. 

They walked in silence for several long minutes, Lupin following her lead. Tonks got to the lake near the edge of her parents’ property and turned around to face him, her hands on her hips.

“I have conditions,” she announced, looking at him coldly.

“Okay,” he responded slowly. “Anything.”

“No more missions. Not until after the baby is born. You’ll need to tell the Order that you’re officially on leave.”

Lupin swallowed, his eyes a little wide. The baby wouldn’t be born for another seven months. No more missions until then? “Okay,” he nodded slowly. “I can do that.”

“Really?” Tonks asked, shocked.

“I’ll do whatever you want, Dora. I’m the one who fucked up. You’re in charge.”

“Okay,” she replied. “Good. You need to try to make this right with my parents too. You’re not exactly their favorite person right now.”

“Yeah, I kind of got that impression.”

“You dropped me off on their doorstep — crying and _pregnant_ — and just left me there, a month after you married me in a ceremony that they weren’t invited to. Can you blame them?”

“No,” he admitted, his eyes full of shame.

“You’ve got a long way to go to get back on my good side too, Remus. You deserted me when I needed you most of all. That’s going to take a lot to forgive.”

“I know.”

She studied him. “You look _terrible_.”

“I _feel_ terrible. Being away from you didn’t agree with me.”

Tonks’ face softened, and Lupin saw the corners of her mouth turn up slightly. His heart leapt.

“So, where do you want to go?” he asked. “The old rental house? Back to Edinburgh? Stay… here?”

She shook her head. “I got rid of that shitty lease after you left, and we can’t stay here. I love my parents, but we need our own space. I don’t want to go to Edinburgh either. Seems like a step backwards.”

“Okay,” he agreed. “Then what?”

“A lot happened while you were gone. When they read Mad-Eye’s will… he left me _everything_. Including a house. Well, a cottage. It’s nothing fancy. Needs a bit of work. But it’s quiet and it’s by the ocean… and it’s mine. Well, ours, I guess.”

“Really?”

“Really. Want to go see it?”

“I’ve actually been there before,” Lupin remembered. “It’s ours?”

She shrugged. “If you decide to stay for good this time.”

He nodded.

“Okay. Let’s go back inside and I’ll pack up my stuff. Maybe just steer clear of my dad for now? He’ll get over it eventually. I think.”

Lupin gulped, following her back to the Tonks’ family home.

***

**August 26, 1997**

Lupin and Tonks settled in at Mad-Eye’s old place near Durness. It was a small stone cottage, perched on a cliff overlooking the sea below. Lupin recalled being here three years earlier when Dumbledore brought him along to convince Moody to teach at Hogwarts.

He also realized with a start that Mad-Eye had recommended Tonks for the Order while the three men were sitting around this very kitchen table — the first time Lupin had heard the name of his future wife. He could never have predicted how much meeting her would change _everything_.

The roof needed some major repairs, and no one had tended to the yard in what seemed like years. Lupin surveyed everything that needed to be fixed while Tonks went inside and unpacked. She put clean sheets on the bed, and stacked folded clothes and towels in the drawers. Then she hung her dresses and Lupin’s three nice shirts in the bedroom closet.

Lupin cooked them dinner in the tiny kitchen: pork chops, broccoli, and her favorite mashed potatoes, but she mostly just picked at the food.

“Does it taste alright?” he asked.

“Yeah… I’m just not really hungry.”

“Aren't you supposed to be eating more than usual because of the baby?”

“Oh, _now_ you care about the baby?”

Lupin looked hurt. “I’m worried about you.”

“Okay, Remus.”

After dinner, Lupin cleared the table and started washing dishes when he heard the front door open and close. “Dora?”

There was no reply, so he looked out the window and saw her walking down the path toward the water. He went outside and followed her to the edge of the cliffside where she stood, looking out over the ocean as the sun sank lower into the sky. Lupin regarded her with concern. “Hey. Are you okay?”

“Sure.”

He put his arm around her and kissed her forehead, but she shrugged him off.

“Don’t.” She looked at him, her gaze cool and unforgiving. “You don’t get to kiss me yet. You’ve left me _twice_ now. Am I a fool for giving you another chance?”

Lupin took a step back. “Do you even want me here, Dora?” he asked softly. “I can go if you don’t.”

She bit her lip and looked at the ground. “Yes, I want you here. For some unfathomable reason, after everything you’ve done, part of me even still loves you. But you fucking _broke_ us, Remus. You abandoned me. When I needed you the _most_. You can’t expect that everything will magically just go back to the way it was.”

He nodded slowly. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

Tonks looked at the water that stretched all the way to the horizon. “I need time, Remus.”

“I’ll be here,” he promised.


	49. I'm Nothing Without You

**September 15, 1997**

It was the first full moon since Lupin had returned. Things with Tonks were still icy, but he was doing his best to remain hopeful, even as she actively ignored him.

Remus stood in the doorway of their bedroom and knocked. Tonks was wearing a pair of plaid flannel pants, sitting with her legs crossed on their bed, reading a book. “I — I have to go,” he said.

“I know,” she shrugged, glancing up at him for a moment before returning her eyes to the book. “Bye. Be safe.”

“Okay…”

“Was there something else you wanted to say?” she asked him, looking tired.

“No. No, I guess not.”

“Alright. See you in a few days, Remus.”

***

**September 18, 1997**

Lupin dragged himself back home after a particularly bad transformation. Ever since the time he’d spent living among the werewolves, he had a harder and harder time coming back to his normal life.

Tonks awoke to find him in their bed, burning up with a fever and shivering. Her heart dropped as she saw the fresh wounds on his arms.

Lupin’s eyes blinked open groggily a little bit later. Tonks was sitting on the edge of the bed, applying ointment to his cuts after she had cleaned them. A cool, wet washcloth was on his forehead.

“Hey,” she murmured. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”

“I don’t deserve you, Dora,” he choked out.

“Stop talking, save your energy. You’ll feel better in the morning.”

“I’m nothing without you.”

“Okay, Remus.”

“I’m sorry,” he cried. “I’m so sorry. For everything.”

“I know. But just shut up and rest now.”

***

**September 19, 1997**

Lupin woke up in their bed the next morning with Tonks curled up against him, her head on his chest, his arm around her shoulders. He took a deep breath and looked around, trying to reassure himself that she wasn’t a dream. He realized that his injuries from the full moon had been bandaged. Memories of her taking care of him during the night flashed through his mind.

Tonks’ eyes fluttered open, and she looked momentarily surprised to be wrapped up in his arms.

“Hey,” he whispered.

“Hey,” she said.

“Thank you,” he breathed, squeezing her a little tighter.

Tonks shrugged nonchalantly, but then pressed a quick kiss to his jaw. “Are you hungry?”

Lupin nodded. “Starving.”

“Okay. Be right back.”

***

**September 30, 1997**

Lupin woke up a little before five o’clock in the morning to find her side of the bed empty and cold.

“Dora?” he called. No response.

He searched every room of their small house, which didn’t take him long, but she was nowhere to be found. Lupin opened the door and glanced outside, seeing her sitting on the bench down by the water, the wind whipping around her.

He went outside and took a seat next to her. “Hi.”

Tonks didn’t reply. She looked tired, somehow older than before he had left, even though it had only been a few weeks. Lupin felt such guilt about the extra stress he had caused, especially in her condition. Her hair was its natural brown color and pulled up in a high messy bun on top of her head. She had a blanket draped across her shoulders, her hands wrapped tightly around a mug of tea.

“I’ve been a piece of shit.”

“You have,” she agreed.

He swallowed and looked out at water, and they sat in silence for several minutes.

“I was really scared too, you know,” she finally said, her voice quiet, but steady. “About the baby. I still am. But instead of figuring it out together, you left me on my parents’ doorstep and went off to go have an adventure. You fucking threw me away, like it was nothing, like what we had didn’t matter. You say that you thought you were giving me a better life, but you abandoned me after everything that happened at the wedding, and you left me alone with our child who might be... _god_ , sometimes I can’t even _look_ at you, Remus. After everything we’ve been through, I thought... well, I don’t know what I thought. But I really didn’t believe that you’d ever leave me again.”

Lupin cast his eyes down to his hands, hanging his head in shame.

“I’m still not ready to forgive you yet.” She looked out over the water.

“I know,” he said quietly.

“But don’t give up on me,” Tonks whispered, looking at him with shining eyes. “Okay?” she asked.

Lupin nodded, suddenly hopeful. “I won’t.” And he sat there in comfortable silence next to her, watching the waves crash on the rocks below.

***

**October 12, 1997**

Tonks was folding laundry in their room one afternoon when she winced suddenly and sat down on the bed, clutching her back. “Oh god, I fucking hate this. I’m a terrible pregnant woman.”

“Here.” Lupin helped her lean back against the pillows and stretch her legs out on the bed, propping another pillow underneath them. “Let me make you some tea. Are you hungry?”

“Tea sounds good. But I’m not really hungry.”

Lupin nodded. “Okay, I’ll be right back. Need anything else?”

She smiled at him weakly. “No. Thanks.”

He returned a few minutes later with a steaming mug, and set it on the nightstand next to her side of the bed. Then he sat down on the mattress, pulling her legs into his lap, and used his thumb to press along the arch of her right foot.

She dropped her head back on the pillow and let out a loud moan. “Oh my god, that feels _amazing_.”

Lupin grinned. “Yeah?” He hadn’t heard a sound like that come from her lips in far too long now, and he was slightly embarrassed when it made his cock twitch.

“Mmm. Please keep doing that.”

Lupin rubbed her foot, his fingers working up her shin, and then all the way back down to her toes. He watched her settle into pillow, her eyes closed, face relaxed. Taking a shaky breath, he placed a soft kiss on the inside of her right ankle before setting that leg down and moving on to the other foot.

Tonks sat up a little and raised her eyebrows. “Don’t push your luck, Remus.” But a small smile was playing around the corners of her mouth.

His hands stilled on her foot for a moment. “I’m sorry. Did you want me to stop?” he asked in a teasing, slightly husky voice.

“Mmm, don’t you dare,” she said. “I think you should rub my feet every day until this baby comes out.”

“Gladly,” he replied with a grin, and when she laughed, he kissed her ankle again. This time, she didn’t protest, and Lupin felt his heart swell.


	50. Home for Good

**October 20, 1997**

Lupin got home after another unbearably rough full moon away, and Tonks was waiting for him this time, ready to take care of him. While things were not completely back to normal between them, her initial coldness continued to thaw, and he was feeling more hopeful with each passing day that they might be able to find their way back to each other again.

When Lupin woke the next morning and found Tonks wrapped up in his arms, running her fingers over the scars on his chest absentmindedly, he placed a gentle, hesitant kiss on her forehead, almost afraid that she might recoil. But when she didn’t, he kissed her again and again.

Their lips met for the first time since Bill and Fleur’s wedding almost three months ago. Remus cradled her face in his hands, kissing her desperately, their bodies finally opening up to each other again in ways their hearts hadn’t quite yet.

He was slightly shocked when her fingers fumbled with his zipper and reached inside his pants. “Can we?” he asked, his hand protectively grazing over her growing belly.

She nodded. “Just be gentle.”

Lupin untied the straps of her nightgown, tugging it all the way off of her. He couldn’t help but notice that her body was different: fuller, rounder, softer from the new life growing within.

“I missed you,” he murmured, brushing hair off her forehead.

Tonks swallowed and blinked hard. Then she ran her thumb over the scar above his eyebrow and kissed him on the mouth.

He used his lips and tongue to explore every inch of her new body, apologizing for lost time, moving slowly, making her sigh and gasp and arch her back up off the mattress. And when he was finally inside her again, for the first time in far too long, Remus knew he was home for good.

***

**November 12, 1997**

They fell into a comfortable rhythm, rebuilding their trust with each day that passed. Tonks had ended her employment at the Ministry when the coup took place over the summer, and both of them were on hiatus from the Order. Luckily, Tonks had money in savings from her years working full-time and living rent-free with her parents, and they also had a modest inheritance from Moody to keep them afloat for a while.

With nowhere specific to be, they found themselves staying up later than usual and sleeping in more. Lupin almost always woke first and would get up to make them coffee, while Tonks stretched lazily, waiting for him to come back so she could curl up against him. Sometimes he’d just hold her close while they sipped on their coffee, and sometimes it led to other more enjoyable endeavors.

The changes to Tonks’ body were gradual, but dramatic, her slight frame expanding with each passing week. After the first trimester had thankfully ended, she’d gotten some of her strength and appetite back, which was a relief for both of them. The baby was very active these days, kicking and flipping around constantly (especially at night), and Tonks loved watching her husband’s face light up when he pressed his hand to her belly and felt their child moving inside.

Lupin worked on the house most days, fixing things that Moody had neglected over the years, and she would sit on the bench overlooking the ocean and read a book, but she started staying inside more as the weather cooled. In the evenings he would make dinner, and then they’d both settle onto the couch by the fireplace, him pulling her feet into his lap and rubbing them every night, as promised.

***

**November 18, 1997**

When Lupin returned after the next full moon, Tonks threw her arms around his neck. “Oh my god, I _missed_ you.”

He kissed her forehead and gave her a tired smile, then placed his hand on her swollen stomach. “Everything good?”

She grinned and nodded.

He collapsed in their bed and she untied his shoes, pulling them off and helping him out of his jacket and pants. She went to hang his jacket in the closet, but first emptied the pockets onto the nightstand next to his side of the bed.

When she did, a folded photo fell out of the small leather notebook that Lupin always carried with him. She picked it up, her heart pounding. It was a picture of her from their wedding night. Some stranger in the bar had lent them a camera, and Remus snapped a quick photo of Tonks laughing, a glass of champagne in her hand. She had forgotten this photo even existed. Somehow a few short months seemed like another lifetime ago. The edges were worn, and it had been folded in half twice, the color faded where the paper was creased.

“What’s this?” she asked breathlessly, holding it up to him.

Lupin opened his eyes and saw what she had in her hand. He smiled sadly and looked at her. “After Bill and Fleur’s wedding... I took it from the hotel in Edinburgh before I brought you to your parents’ house. I looked at it all the time when we were apart. Still do.”

Tonks swallowed hard. “Really?”

He nodded, and held out his arms to her. “Come here.”

She laid the photo on his nightstand and curled up against him, tucking her head under his chin and wrapping her arms around his shoulders.

“I love you, Dora. It’s only ever been you.”

***

**December 7, 1997**

“Hey, Remus?” Tonks said one morning, as he crawled back into bed with her after pouring them each a mug of coffee. “So I, uh — I told my parents that we’d come by for dinner tonight. If that’s okay.”

Lupin gulped and nodded. “Okay.”

She took his hand and squeezed it. “It’ll be fine. My dad’s always in a good mood around Christmas.”

***

Later that day, Lupin was sitting on a couch across from Ted and Andromeda. Tonks was by his side, her hand resting on her belly as she leaned into him.

“How are you feeling?” Andromeda asked her with a smile.

Tonks shrugged. “Okay, I guess? I’m tired and achy all the time. And my appetite is all over the place. Some days I’m famished, other days I feel all queasy and bloated. I don’t know. This whole pregnancy thing is pretty terrible.”

Andromeda laughed. “Oh honey. Just wait.”

“Ugh, don’t say that, Mom!”

Her mother’s face softened into a smile. “Hey, remember that box of your baby clothes I told you that I found? Want to take a look?”

Tonks grinned and nodded, kissing Lupin’s cheek before following her mom into the other room. Lupin and Ted looked at each other, a long, awkward silence settling between them. Remus heard Tonks’ laughter from the other room and found himself wishing that she’d come back to help quell the tension.

Then finally Ted cleared his throat and spoke first. “So. Dora tells me you haven’t been taking any new missions with the Order?”

“No. Not in a couple of months now. I’m — taking a break from all of that for a while. At least until the baby’s born.”

“To be home? For her?”

Lupin nodded. “Yes.”

Ted was quiet for a long moment. “Want a drink, Remus?”

“Uh — sure.”

Ted stood up and came back with a bottle of whiskey and two glasses. He poured one for himself, and handed the other to Lupin.

“To your baby,” Ted said, raising a glass.

“Yes. To the baby,” Lupin lifted his as well and took a sip.

The two men sat in silence for another moment.

“Andromeda and I — we want to help the two of you,” Ted supplied finally.

Lupin nodded. “I appreciate that, Ted.”

“A baby is never easy,” Ted said. “And — depending on what happens —”

He trailed off, but Lupin, understanding all too well, nodded. “I know.”'

“Just know that we’ll be there. For both of you. And the baby. No matter what.”

“Thank you, Ted.”

This silence felt slightly more comfortable than before, both men sipping their drinks quietly, deep in thought.

“You really do love my daughter, huh?” Ted asked, but it was really more of a statement than a question.

“I do, sir.”

“And you’re back for good?”

“I am.”

He leaned forward, narrowing his eyes. “Don’t fuck this up again, Remus.”

Lupin swallowed hard. “I won’t.”

Ted clinked his glass against Lupin’s before draining the rest of it, and then reached for the bottle to pour each of them another.


	51. We'll Figure It Out Together

**December 25, 1997**

They couple woke on Christmas morning to find that snow had fallen overnight, covering the ground in a beautiful layer of white.

Tonks padded over to the window with bare feet, wearing flannel pants and a shirt that was slightly too small for her ever-expanding stomach, grinning like a little kid. “I fucking love when it snows on Christmas!”

Lupin laughed and kissed her on the cheek. Then he lit a fire in the front room and got to work making breakfast for them. When she sat down at the kitchen table, he slid a plate filled with scrambled eggs, sausage, and fruit in front of her. She finished everything, the nausea having mostly subsided by this point in the pregnancy.

After they ate, Tonks disappeared into the bedroom and then returned with a Christmas gift for Remus: a bronze pocket watch with their wedding date engraved on the back. He turned it over in his hand, smiling.

“Oh, Dora... it’s perfect. I love it.”

She looked very pleased with herself and kissed him on the cheek.

“Are you ready for yours?” he asked, a shy smile playing around his lips.

Tonks raised her eyebrows. “ _You_ got me a present? That’s a first.”

“I know. I’m trying to be better. I’m making up for lost time, so I actually have _two_ gifts for you.”

He made her sit on the couch and cover her eyes while he got the surprise ready, and she heard furniture scraping against the floor.

“What’s going on?” she giggled.

“Okay,” he said finally. “You can open them.”

A tall, wooden bookcase was now leaning against the previously empty wall of their front room. Tonks looked at him, her eyes twinkling.

“Do you like it? Now you can get all those books out of the boxes in your closet,” Lupin explained with a hopeful smile.

She grinned. “Aww, thank you, Remus. It’s beautiful. Did you make it?”

He nodded. “Yep. I made something else for you too. Come with me.”

Lupin took her hand and led her to their bedroom, where he had placed a small bassinet on the floor, carved from wood by hand — the perfect size for the baby who would be joining them in a few short months.

Tonks just stared at it for a long moment, and he watched her, anxious for any sort of reaction. Finally she leaned against him, her body shaking with sobs. He felt his breath catch in his throat as he wrapped his arms around her, holding her upright.

“What is it?” he asked, terrified that he’d done something wrong.

“I’m just really scared,” she choked out, wiping the tears and snot off her face with the back of her hand. “About all of this.”

Lupin nodded. “I know. Me too.” He swallowed hard. “But you know the one thing that helps when I feel like I can’t handle it?”

She shook her head, desperate for something to help her feel better. “No, what?”

He smiled and cupped her face with his hand. “I look at you. You calm me down. You keep me grounded.”

Tonks looked at him with big eyes. “I keep you grounded? Well that doesn’t help _me_ at all!” she wailed. “I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing!”

Lupin chuckled, pulling her close, and it wasn’t long before her cries turned into reluctant laughter too.

“Well, I’m here,” he murmured against her hair. “I know I’ve messed up — more than once — but I’m not going anywhere, Dora. Whatever happens, we’ll figure it out together. You won’t have to do it alone.”

She shuddered and clung to him. “I love my presents,” she whispered.

He smiled down at her. “You do?”

She nodded. “You’re sweet.” She stood on her tiptoes and kissed him on the mouth, wrapping her arms around his neck. “It feels like we’re... finally _back_... you know?”

Lupin’ heart swelled and he nodded, swallowing the lump in his throat.

“I love you, Remus.”

“I love you too. Merry Christmas, Dora.”

She raised her eyebrows mischievously. “Hey, do you remember that Christmas Eve a few years ago when we made out in the kitchen at Grimmauld Place, and then went up to your bedroom and fell asleep in our party clothes?”

He laughed. “Of course I remember that. But I especially remember you in that dress. _Damn_. I didn’t stand a chance.”

Tonks bit her lip, grinning. “I _do_ look good in that dress. Too bad I’ll probably never fit in it again.”

“Stop. You’re growing our child. And you’re beautiful.”

She rolled her eyes, but her cheeks flushed pink.

“So, do you want me to start moving books out of the closet and onto your new bookshelf, Mrs. Lupin?”

“Mmm. Maybe in a little bit. I want to give you another Christmas present first,” she said, grinning as she pressed her lips to his and pulled him back toward their bed.

“ _Oh_.”

***

**January 16, 1998**

Lupin climbed into bed next to Tonks late one night a couple of weeks later after returning from the full moon, and she rolled over to look at him. “Hey. You’re back.”

“Yep.” He reached out to stroke her hair with the last bit of energy that remained in his body. “I missed you.”

Tonks sat up slowly, bracing her lower back. “My dad had to go into hiding.”

Lupin’s eyes flew open. “Wait, what?”

She nodded and bit her lip to keep from crying. “He refused to submit himself to the Muggle-Born Registration Commission.”

He covered his eyes with his hands. “Oh, shit. Do you know where he is?”

Tonks shook her head, and the tears started to flow. “He didn’t even say goodbye. My mom told me that it all happened quickly, and there wasn’t time. She doesn’t know where he is. I just need all this to end so he can come back home.”

Lupin nodded. “I know, I know. That’s what the Order is fighting for. Oh, I’m so sorry, Dora. But your dad is tough. He’ll be okay.”

He wrapped his arms around her shoulders as her whole body shook with sobs.

***

**January 27, 1998**

An unannounced guest arrived one afternoon at Lupin and Tonks’ house: Bill Weasley, bringing news from the Order.

“Remus, Tonks… it’s so great to see you!” Bill greeted each of them in turn, shaking Lupin’s hand and kissing Tonks on the cheek.

“Bill!” she exclaimed, her spirits buoyed by seeing a friendly face. “How are you?”

“Things have been busy, but good. I haven’t seen you two since…” Then he trailed off, looking guilty, the unspoken ugliness of everything that happened at the wedding hanging heavily in the air.

Tonks looked to the ground, Lupin’s face growing tight.

“I’m so sorry about what happened that night,” Bill said, his voice pleading. “It made me sick to my stomach when my parents told me about it.”

Lupin wrapped his arms around Tonks’ shoulders, pulling her close, and he kissed the top of her head. “It wasn’t your fault, Bill,” he said quietly. “Come on in,” he gestured. “Can I get you something to drink?”

A few minutes later, the three of them were sitting around the kitchen table.

“So, what’s new?” Remus asked. “We haven’t heard much of anything.”

Bill cleared his throat. “Yeah, communication has been pretty locked down. That’s why I’m here in person, instead of sending an owl or Patronus. Kingsley and McGonagall have taken the lead since Dumbledore and Mad-Eye are gone. There’s still so much we don’t know. But Harry managed to escape with Ron and Hermione right before the Death Eaters crashed our wedding.”

“I know,” Lupin chimed in. “I saw them at Grimmauld Place about a week after everything happened.” When Bill and Tonks both looked at him questioningly, he just shrugged his shoulders. “It’s a long story.”

“Well, after that they moved around,” Bill continued. “Ron ended up coming to stay with Fleur and me for a bit — also a long story — but then he met back up with Harry and Hermione again. The three of them were at Xenophilius Lovegood’s house a couple of weeks ago looking for information when he tried to sell them to You-Know-Who in exchange for his daughter’s freedom, but they were able to get away. It was close.”

“My god.” Lupin shook his head. “It’s been impossible to keep up with what’s really going on. We know the papers won’t dare print the truth.”

Bill nodded. “Yep. You-Know-Who and his Death Eaters would prefer we’re all kept in the dark.” His face softened as he turned to Tonks. “I was so sorry to hear about your dad. Has there been any word from him?”

She swallowed hard and shook her head. “No, nothing. Not since he left.”

His forehead was creased with concern. “The Order will look out for him as much as we can, see if we can locate him and provide some help. We’re doing our best to protect all the Muggle-borns who are being persecuted. That’s one of our main focuses now.”

“Thanks, Bill,” Lupin said, squeezing Tonks’ hand. “We appreciate it.”

“You two look like you’re doing well,” Bill said, changing the subject as he looked around the room. “You’ve done a terrific job fixing this place up.”

“That’s all thanks to Remus,” Tonks commented, smiling at her husband adoringly. “He’s been working on things nonstop to get the house fixed up for when the baby arrives.”

“Well, it looks great.”

“How’s Fleur?” Tonks asked.

“She’s good!” he replied, beaming. “We’ve gotten settled in at Shell Cottage, my aunt’s old place.” He nodded toward Tonks. “Ever since she heard your news, she’s been pestering me that we should have a baby too.” He grinned and shook his head. “Lord knows my mom agrees with her. But I don’t know, times just seem so uncertain, and it seems crazy to bring a child into this world right now.” He trailed off and his eyes went wide. “Oh _shit_ , sorry. I didn’t mean —”

Tonks gave him a rueful smile. “It’s okay, really. This one wasn’t exactly planned. And you’re not saying anything we haven’t already worried about.”

Bill nodded, relieved that she wasn’t offended by his remark. “That’s a lucky baby to have you two as parents.”

Remus smiled, reaching for Tonks’ hand.

“Fleur and I do want children eventually… who knows, if we get started soon, our kids might be friends at school together someday.”

The three of them laughed at that. Then, before too long, it was time for Bill to go.

“I’ll try to come back again soon, especially if we hear anything. Hang in there, Tonks, and take care of that little one in there. You look great.”

“Thanks, Bill,” said Tonks, smiling at him as he bent down to give her a hug. “Talk to you soon.”

Bill shook Lupin’s hand, and then he was gone. 

***

**February 2, 1998**

“Ugh,” complained Tonks in bed one night. “I’m just horny all the time these days. But I’m also so huge and swollen. It’s not fair.”

Lupin laughed, sweeping the hair out of her face. “My poor love. It will be over soon. Until then, just let me know what you need.”

“Mmm. I need _you_ ,” she murmured, her hand finding its way into his pants. “As long as I’m not too gross and bloated?”

He shook his head. “You’re beautiful.”

“You’re a liar. But I like it.” She smiled and kissed him, but then grimaced as her back spasmed. “Fuck.”

Lupin’s eyebrows furrowed with concern. “You okay?”

“No. I hate this.” She sighed deeply, dropping her head back on the pillows of their bed. “I hate all of it. I think every woman who ever said that being pregnant is a beautiful miracle is a lying bitch.”

Lupin snorted, but then quickly stopped laughing when she glared at him. “Sorry, love. Maybe I can make you feel good?” he asked, kissing down the side of her neck, his hand traveling down over her belly and slipping inside her underwear.

“Oh my god,” she gasped, looking at him with wide eyes.

“Yeah? Should I keep going?”

“Yes, please,” she grinned.

Lupin started to slowly remove articles of her clothing, leaving kisses all over her body, and finally settled between her legs. She moaned loudly as he started teasing her with his tongue.

“Oh, fuck. You’re so _good_ at that, baby.”

He smirked at her reaction, knowing exactly how to reduce her to a pile of nerves. But then out of nowhere, she burst out laughing.

Lupin stopped and sat up to look at her. “What about this could possibly be funny?”

“The baby keeps kicking me while you’re doing that. It feels really weird.”

His nose wrinkled. “Stop. That _is_ weird. I definitely don’t want to think about our baby right now.”

She laughed again. “I don’t have that luxury. I can’t help it! I’m no longer in control of my own body, you know. It’s terrible.”

Lupin kissed the inside of her thighs. “Should I stop?”

“Mmm, no way,” she said. “Definitely keep going. Settle down, kid — Mommy needs to get laid.”

He chuckled and went right back to work, and she let out another breathy sigh, her hands in his hair as he made her whole body buzz.


	52. Something That Doesn't Hurt

**February 11, 1998**

Tonks walked up the path leading to Lyall Lupin’s house and knocked on his front door. He answered, his face lighting up when he saw her.

“Dora,” he smiled. “Well, this is a pleasant surprise.” Then his eyes traveled down to her pregnant belly. “ _Oh._ Oh my. Where’s Remus?”

“Full moon,” she supplied with a shrug.

“Of course,” said Lyall. “I’m sorry. It’s strange. After so many years of living by the moon cycles when Remus was a child, you’d think I’d be more aware of it. But he’s been gone for so long...” He trailed off. Then his attention returned to Tonks, his eyes on her stomach. “He didn’t tell me that you two were expecting.”

She shook her head with a tight smile. “No, I don’t imagine he would have.”

“Is everything okay — with him?”

“He’s scared. We’re scared. He didn’t want this at all. He’s convinced that the baby will be like him.”

Lyall nodded. “It’s extremely likely.”

Tonks swallowed hard. “Right. So I was hoping to come to you for — I don’t know — advice, I guess? Find out was life was like? You know, what I’m in for?” Her eyes filled with tears.

Lyall looked at her with a sad smile that reminded her of Remus, his arm around her shoulders. “Oh. Of course. Well, let’s go inside. You’ll be more comfortable.”

In the living room, Tonks sank into a seat on the couch, and Lyall looked at her carefully. “Can I get you something to drink?”

“Could I have some water, please?” she asked.

He brought her a glass, and then settled into an armchair across from her, his kind eyes putting her at ease. “So, you want to know what life was like for our family?”

She nodded slowly. 

Lyall took a deep breath. “Well, it wasn’t easy, Dora. He was bitten when he was five. He was too young to understand what was happening to him each month. The transformation process terrified him, and there was nothing we could do about it. He had night terrors for the first several years after he was afflicted.”

Tonks looked pained as she took in his words.

“We moved a lot. Every time the neighbors started to realize something was strange about Remus during certain times of the month. He couldn’t play with other children, for fear he might reveal too much. We were trying to protect him, but it meant he didn’t have any friends. We didn’t have any friends. His safety was always the priority, but... it wasn’t much of a life.”

She gulped. “That’s what Remus always said.”

“As he got older, we had a harder time keeping his transformations contained. I homeschooled him at first, convinced he could never get a traditional education. Then Dumbledore came along with the offer of accommodations at Hogwarts, and that changed everything. In the best way possible.” Lyall looked at her sympathetically. “But I can’t lie to you, Dora. If your child is affected, it’s going to be a long, hard journey.”

Tonks buried her head in her hands. “ _Oh my god_. What have I done?”

Lyall got up and sat next to her on the couch, his hand gently resting on her back as she sat there and cried.

“I’ll be here to help,” he provided sincerely.

Tonks leaned a little more of her weight into him. “Thank you,” she choked out, wiping the tears from her eyes. “For being honest with me.”

He smiled. “Talk to Remus. You’ll figure it out together. It’s not easy... but it is _possible_. And he’s better equipped to answer questions than anyone.”

Tonks nodded.

When it was time for her to leave a little bit later, Lyall gave her a big hug. “Please keep me posted. My son and I are pretty terrible at this whole ‘keeping in touch’ thing. Maybe you can help.”

She smiled at him. “I will.” Tonks stood on her toes and kissed her father-in-law’s cheek. “Thank you. For everything.”

***

**February 16, 1998**

“Are you okay, love?” Remus asked gently, a few days after he’d come back from the full moon. Tonks was sitting sideways in the overstuffed chair, her legs draped over the arm. She had an open book in her lap, but she had been staring at the same page for almost ten minutes.

She jumped and looked at him sheepishly. “Yeah. Just thinking.”

He came and sat next to her, and she felt a lump form in her throat as she looked into his warm, gray eyes. He reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “You feeling alright? You’ve been so quiet since I got back.”

Tonks nodded. “I’m okay.”

Lupin looked at her closely, then sighed and relented. “Can I do anything to help?”

She closed her eyes and shook her head.

Concerned, but not wanting to push her to talk, he simply laced his fingers through hers and kissed the back of her hand tenderly. “I love you, Dora.”

“I love you too.”

“And I’m here if you want to talk.”

She nodded again, smiling at him sadly. “I know.”

***

**February 19, 1998**

“Hey, Remus?” Tonks said cautiously in bed one night.

“Yeah?”

“You awake?”

“Uh huh.”

“What’ll we do if the baby’s… like you?”

Lupin swallowed hard, and was quiet for a long moment. Tonks’ heart was pounding so hard she was sure he could hear it.

“Well,” he began slowly, his hand snaking around her waist to rest on her large belly, “we won’t know anything until the first full moon after the baby is born. Even if they’re affected, it won’t be too bad early on. But each month will get worse, especially when the baby starts to crawl and walk.”

He let out a shaky breath and continued. “Eventually it will become too dangerous for you to be around during transformations. But at that point, I might be able to take them with me… I could keep them safe. And then they wouldn’t be all alone.”

Tonks nodded, tears streaming silently down her face as she listened to Remus speak.

“I remember the worst part of the full moon when I was younger was the feeling of isolation. At least our child won’t have that,” he finished quietly.

She reached for him in the dark, wrapping her arms around his neck and covering his face with wet kisses, desperately wanting to comfort the scared, lonely little boy he’d once been. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered.

Lupin ran his fingers through her hair and pressed his lips to her forehead. “Don’t be sorry, Dora. Every morning when I wake up and you’re sleeping next to me, it makes me think that I must have done something right in this shitty life to deserve you.”

“Oh, Remus,” she murmured, kissing him over and over again.

Her fears temporarily melted away in his arms, making room for passion and relief and even hope. A few minutes later their clothes were in a pile on the floor and he trailed his tongue along her neck and jaw, making her shiver as she pulled him closer. When he pushed inside her, she gasped loudly and he stilled.

“Am I hurting you?”

“God no. Keep going,” she begged. “You feel so good.”

His thrusts were slow and restrained, Tonks sighing in his ear with her arms wrapped tightly around his neck.

“I love you, Dora,” he choked out, his voice catching in his throat. “We’re gonna be okay... it’s all gonna be okay.”

***

**March 2, 1998**

Andromeda reached out to them in early morning hours with the news: Ted had been killed. A group of Snatchers, led by Greyback himself, murdered Ted, Dirk Cresswell, and a goblin named Gornuk when they resisted capture.

Tonks just sobbed and sobbed the rest of the day. Lupin held her, feeling completely helpless. This shouldn’t be happening, not now, not with the baby coming so soon. He let her cry until there weren’t any more tears, and then she was just quiet. She lay on her side for what felt like hours, her huge belly resting between them on the bed.

The baby gave a swift kick, and Remus placed his hand on the taut skin of her stomach, smiling sadly when he felt the movement. Her eyes were red as she looked at Remus, and he cradled her face in his hands and kissed her forehead. She closed her eyes as she pressed her lips to his cheek, his neck, his lips, and then she slipped her hand inside his pants.

“Dora, what are you doing? That’s not a good idea.”

“Please. I just need to _feel_ something else. Something that doesn’t hurt.”

“Oh, love. This won’t help. And I wouldn’t feel right about it.”

“Well, too fucking bad. I need my husband right now.”

She kissed him with an overwhelming urgency, her hands everywhere, and while his body responded, Lupin still found himself worrying that her grief was the driving force. “Hey, hey, slow down.” He cradled her face in his hands. “We’ll try later. When you’ve had time to clear your head.” He kissed her forehead and stroked her hair tenderly.

Tonks looked at him with tired eyes. “No. Help me feel good, just for a minute. I’m done crying. _Please_. I need you, Remus.”

Lupin’s brow was creased with worry. “Are you sure?”

She nodded. “Come here. Please don't make me beg.”

He kissed her softly, unbuttoning her shirt and ghosting his fingers over her bare skin, and she inhaled sharply. Her head fell back on the pillow and she let out a low moan as he tried to help her forget.

***

**March 3, 1998**

***This section is from _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_ by J.K. Rowling***

“I’ve got it, I’ve got it! Password was ‘Albus’! Get in here, Harry!”

Roused for the first time in days from his contemplation of the Deathly Hallows, Harry hurried back inside the tent to find Ron and Hermione kneeling on the floor beside the little radio. Hermione, who had been polishing the sword of Gryffindor, was sitting open-mouthed, staring at the tiny speaker, from which a familiar voice was issuing.

“... we do apologize for our temporary absence from the airwaves, which was due to a number of house calls in our area by those charming Death Eaters.”

“That’s Lee Jordan!” said Hermione.

“I know!” beamed Ron. “Cool, eh?”

“. . . now found ourselves another secure location,” Lee was saying, “and I’m pleased that two of our regular contributors have joined me here this evening. Evening, boys!”

“Hi.”

“Evening, River.”

“That’s Lee,” Ron explained. “They’ve all got code names, but you can usually tell —”

“Shh!” said Hermione.

“Before we hear from Royal and Romulus,” Lee went on, “let’s take a moment to report those deaths that the Wizarding Wireless Network News and Daily Prophet don’t think important enough to mention. It is with great regret that we inform our listeners of the murders of Ted Tonks and Dirk Cresswell.”

Harry felt a sick swooping in his belly. They gazed at one another in horror.

“A goblin by the name of Gornuk was also killed. It is believed that Muggle-born Dean Thomas and a second goblin, both believed to have been traveling with them, may have escaped. If Dean is listening, or if anyone has any knowledge of his whereabouts, his parents and sisters are desperate for news.”

“Meanwhile, in Gaddley, a Muggle family of five has been found dead in their home. Muggle authorities are attributing the deaths to a gas leak, but members of the Order of the Phoenix inform me it was the Killing Curse — more evidence, as if it were needed, of the fact that Muggle slaughter is becoming little more than a recreational sport under the new regime.”

“Finally, we regret to inform our listeners that the remains of Bathilda Bagshot have been discovered in Godric’s Hollow. The evidence is that she died several months ago. The Order of the Phoenix informs us that her body showed signs of injuries inflicted by Dark Magic.”

“Listeners, please join us in a minute’s silence in memory of Ted Tonks, Dirk Cresswell, Bathilda Bagshot, Gornuk, and the unnamed, but no less regretted, Muggles murdered by the Death Eaters.”

Silence fell, and Harry, Ron, and Hermione did not speak. Half of Harry yearned to hear more, half of him was afraid of what might come next. It was the first time he had felt fully connected to the outside world for a long time.

“Thank you,” said Lee’s voice. “And now we turn to our regular contributor Royal, for an update on how the new Wizarding order is affecting the Muggle world.” “Thanks, River,” said an unmistakable voice, deep, measured, reassuring.

“Kingsley!” burst out Ron.

“We know!” said Hermione, hushing him.

“Muggles remain ignorant to the source of their continued suffering as they sustain heavy casualties,” said Kingsley. “However, we continue to hear inspirational stories of wizards and witches risking their safety to protect Muggle friends and neighbors, often without the Muggles’ knowledge. I’d appeal to our listeners to follow this example and cast a protective charm over any Muggle dwellings in your street. Many lives could be saved if simple measures are taken.”

“And what would you say, Royal, to listeners who reply that in these dangerous times, it should be ‘Wizards first’?” asked Lee.

“I’d say that it’s one short step from ‘Wizards first’ to ‘Purebloods first,’ and then to ‘Death Eaters,’ ” replied Kingsley. “We’re all human, aren’t we? Every human life is worth the same, and worth saving.”

“Excellently put, Royal, and you’ve got my vote for Minister of Magic if ever we get out of this mess,” said Lee. “And now, to Romulus for our popular feature ‘Pals of Potter.’ ”

“Thanks, River,” said another very familiar voice; Ron started to speak, but Hermione forestalled him in a whisper. 

“Shut up, Ron! We _know_ it’s Lupin!”

“Romulus, do still you maintain that Harry Potter is still alive?”

“I do,” said Lupin firmly. “There is no doubt at all in my mind that his death would be proclaimed as widely as possible by the Death Eaters if it had happened, because it would strike a blow at the morale of those resisting the new regime. ‘The Boy Who Lived’ remains a symbol of everything for which we are fighting: the triumph of good, the power of innocence, the need to keep resisting.”

A mixture of gratitude and shame welled up in Harry. Had Lupin forgiven him, then, for the terrible things he had said when they had last met?

“And what would you say to Harry if you knew he was listening, Romulus?”

“I’d tell him we’re all with him in spirit,” said Lupin, then hesitated slightly. “And I’d tell him... to follow his instincts, which are good and nearly always right.”

Harry looked at Hermione, whose eyes were full of tears. “Nearly always right,” she repeated. 

“Oh, didn’t I tell you?” said Ron in surprise. “Bill told me that Lupin’s living with Tonks again! Been back for a while now. And apparently she’s getting pretty big too.”

“... and our usual update on those friends of Harry Potter’s who are suffering for their allegiance?” Lee was saying.

“Well, as listeners will know, several of the more outspoken supporters of Harry Potter have now been imprisoned, including Xenophilius Lovegood, editor of The Quibbler,” said Lupin.

“At least he’s still alive!” muttered Ron.

“We have also heard within the last few hours that Rubeus Hagrid” — all three of them gasped, and so nearly missed the rest of the sentence — “well-known gamekeeper at Hogwarts School, has narrowly escaped arrest within the grounds of Hogwarts, where he is rumored to have hosted a ‘Support Harry Potter’ party in his house. However, Hagrid was not taken into custody, and is, we believe, on the run.”

“I suppose it helps, when escaping from Death Eaters, if you’ve got a sixteen-foot-high half brother?” asked Lee.

“It would tend to give you an edge,” agreed Lupin gravely. “May I just add that while we here at Potterwatch applaud Hagrid’s spirit, we would urge even the most devoted of Harry’s supporters against following Hagrid’s lead. ‘Support Harry Potter’ parties are unwise in the present climate.”

“Indeed they are, Romulus,” said Lee, “so we suggest that you continue to show your devotion to the man with the lightning scar by listening to Potterwatch!”

***

**March 5, 1998**

They had a quiet funeral for Ted a few days after his death. Andromeda and Tonks held onto each other and sobbed while Remus looked on, feeling powerless to help them. It all felt so unfair, to have something like this mar what should have been an otherwise happy time for the family.

Tonks didn’t leave bed or eat much for the next two days. Lupin gave her space to grieve, wishing he could do something — anything — to make it better. Then, on the third day, she got up, showered, and changed into clean clothes, her face set and determined.

“It’s good to see you up and about,” Lupin said gently, reaching for her hand.

She forced a smile. “Well, moping around won’t bring him back, will it? And we’ve got the baby to think about. My dad would have wanted us to focus on that.” Her voice cracked and a tear rolled down her cheek, but she took a deep breath and composed herself.

“He would have,” Lupin agreed. “Are you hungry for some breakfast?” he asked.

She nodded.


	53. You Were Brilliant, Love

**March 10, 1998**

Lupin walked back into their bedroom with two cups of coffee one morning to find Tonks slowly sitting up in bed, grimacing as she adjusted her body awkwardly.

“Here, let me help,” he said, setting the mugs down and propping the pillows up behind her back for support.

“Mmm thank you,” Tonks smiled as he kissed her. “And happy birthday. I’ll owe you all sorts of sexual favors when I can see my feet again.”

He chuckled, kissing her jaw. “You don’t owe me anything.”

They lay in bed, sipping their coffee. The baby inside gave him a swift kick, and they both laughed.

“Next year, we’ll be celebrating your birthday with our baby,” she smiled. “Well, I guess by that point he won’t really be a baby anymore. He’ll be almost a year old on your next birthday.”

“ _He_? Do you know something I don’t?”

“No, just guessing. But I want to name him Edward after my dad. If it’s a boy.”

“Teddy Lupin,” Remus said aloud, nodding. “Yeah, I like that. Although I kind of think it’s going to be a girl.”

“Oh really?”

“Mmm hmmm. I can picture her already: bright pink pigtails and a beautiful face like her mother.”

Tonks giggled and traced his scarred chest with her fingertips.

“I was thinking... maybe we could name her Hope if it’s a girl?” Lupin suggested, not realizing until the words left his mouth how much it meant to him. “For my mom.”

Tonks was quiet as she considered it, then she grinned. “Hope. I love it.”

“Yeah?” Lupin asked, smiling broadly.

She nodded. “Yeah. It’s perfect.”

“Thank you,” he whispered, kissing her forehead tenderly.

“And we’ll save whichever name we don’t use for next time.”

“ _Next time_?” Lupin raised his eyebrows. “Jesus. Can we please survive the first one before you start planning for more?”

Tonks rolled her eyes and kissed his cheek. “So… when you leave tomorrow for the full moon, I’m going to stay with my mom,” she said.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. What if the baby comes early, and you’re still gone?”

“Shit. I didn’t even think of that.”

She rolled her eyes at him again. “Well it’s a good thing I did.”

“Oh my god.” Lupin’s forehead creased with worry. “I’m sorry. I’ve been so preoccupied with other concerns, I didn’t even think —”

“I know,” said Tonks. “It’s okay.”

Remus pressed a kiss to her forehead and frowned. “I’m glad you won’t be alone. I just hope I don’t miss it.”

Tonks closed her eyes and swallowed hard. “Me too. Hurry back to me, okay?”

***

**March 18, 1998**

Lupin got back from the full moon and went straight to Andromeda’s house. He felt dead on his feet, but was anxious to see his wife, and desperately prayed that he hadn’t missed the birth of their child.

Tonks saw him walking down the path through the kitchen window and came to meet him at the front door, bracing her lower back with her hands.

He kissed the top of her head and his fingers brushed over her belly, feeling her skin and muscles stretched tight. “Damn, love. You look even bigger than when I left just a few days ago.”

Tonks looked miserable. “I know, don’t mention it. I feel enormous. Now that you’re back, this kid is welcome to come out anytime. This is the _worst_.”

Lupin brushed his thumb over her cheek, kissing her on her forehead. “My poor love. Do you want to go home, or would you rather stay here tonight?”

Tonks looked up at him with pleading eyes. “Well... don’t be mad.”

He looked confused. “About what?”

“Do you know anything about delivering a baby? Because I sure don’t. But my mom does. So I think I’d feel better if we just stayed here for a little while longer? She could be a big help. It’s been really good for us to have this time together, after everything with my dad. I don’t know... what do you think? Just for a few weeks.”

Lupin nodded. “Okay. You’re in charge. If you want your mom, we’ll stay.”

Tonks’ eyes softened and she smiled. “Really?”

“Sure, love. Whatever you need. But I’m about to fall over. Where are we sleeping? Your old bedroom?” He looked at her with a slightly amused expression on his face, his eyebrows raised.

She shrugged, smiling. “Yeah. I’ve never had a man sleep in that bed with me before, you know.”

Lupin chuckled. “Okay, take me already there before I collapse. I’ll go back to our house tomorrow and get whatever you need. Just make me a list.”

She stood on her tiptoes and kissed him. “Come on.”

***

**March 31, 1998**

They spent the next two weeks at Andromeda’s house. Remus could see how good it was for Dora and her mother to be together after Ted’s untimely death, and it was a quiet spot to try and relax, even though the looming birth had all three of them on edge.

Andromeda gave the couple plenty of space, spending a lot of time painting in the studio that Ted had built for her. One afternoon she announced that she was heading out there, and the second the door latched closed, Tonks grabbed Remus’ hand and pulled him into her bedroom with a mischievous look in her eyes.

“Yeah?” he asked, grinning as she pushed him onto the bed.

“Uh huh. My mom will be in her art studio for a while. And I heard having an orgasm can help labor begin. Come on, get this kid the fuck out of me,” she begged, peeling off her sweatpants and discarding them on the floor behind her.

Lupin laughed and kissed her neck. “I’m game, but it might be a little tricky to figure out the logistics. No offense, love.”

“I know. I’m a beached whale,” she pouted, and Remus laughed, running his hand up the inside of her thigh.

“That’s not what I meant. You’re beautiful. I just don’t want to hurt you.” He dragged his tongue along her collarbone and watched her head drop back with a sigh.

“Mmm. I have an idea,” she said. Tonks laid down on her side and looked at him over her shoulder. “Drop your pants and get over here.”

“Yes ma’am,” he laughed.

Remus spooned her and pulled the blankets over them as she reached back and grabbed for his cock.

“You’re in a hurry,” he murmured before letting out an appreciative groan as she stroked him.

“I know. I want you inside me already,” she whined, and then let out a moan as he slowly thrust into her from behind.

“Like this?” he asked.

“ _Yes_ , keep going.”

“Oh, damn,” Lupin muttered. “This angle’s really tight.”

“I know. You feel good. _Oh my god_ , Remus.”

Not wanting to put pressure on her belly, he wrapped his hand around her thigh as he rocked his hips, surging back inside. “Shit. I’m not going to last long like this. Jesus Christ.”

His hand trailed up her body, cupping the curve of her breast and squeezing it gently before tracing a circle around her nipple with his thumb. Her breath hitched in her throat and she felt a shiver run down her spine as Lupin scraped his teeth along her neck.

A few minutes later, they both lay gasping on the bed, and Tonks laughed loudly. “Aww, he’s jumping around in there like crazy. Maybe it worked.”

Lupin chuckled, kissing her neck and grabbing his clothes from the floor. “You said ‘he’ again.”

She rolled over, drawing the sheets up around her body. “Yeah. I really think it’s a boy.”

He pulled his shirt over his head and smiled at her. “Guess we’ll see.”

Tonks groaned. “Better fucking be _soon_.”

***

**April 2, 1998**

By seven-thirty in the morning, the contractions had started.

“Holy fuck. These aren’t messing around,” Tonks winced, on her hands and knees on the living room rug.

Lupin’s face was set in a constant grimace, looking desperately to Andromeda. “What can we do?”

“Nothing. This is good. She’s doing great,” Andromeda assured him.

Tonks climbed to her feet. “I need to move around,” she panted, her hand supporting her lower back. 

Lupin nodded, his arm around her shoulders. “Okay. Let’s go for a walk.”

They went outside down by the lake. Spring was on the way, little buds starting to poke through the ground and from the branches of trees.

Tonks suddenly stopped walking and clutched his hand tightly. “Remus, it hurts so bad. I don’t want to do this. I’m scared.”

He nodded, clutching her hand. His face was tight pale, and he felt helpless. “I know, I’m scared too, Dora. But you can do this.”

“Make it stop,” she begged.

Lupin was desperate. “You’re so close, love. I’m right here. I know you can do this. You’re so strong. You’re strong enough for all of us.”

Tonks looked at him with shining eyes. “What if we can’t do this? What if this was all just a big mistake?”

He gulped. “Oh, Dora.”

She looked at him, the tears spilling down her face. “I don’t want to do this. Is it too late?”

Lupin panicked. “Is it too late?? You’re literally in labor.”

She clutched his jacket and buried her face. “We should never have had this baby. I should have listened to you.”

Remus was quiet for a long minute. He took a deep breath. “Dora. Stop.” Gripping her tightly, he pressed his forehead against hers. “We’re doing this. We can do this. I want to do this.” His voice faltered.

“No you don’t! I can always tell when you’re lying.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“I don’t believe you,” she spat out, and Lupin’s heart broke. She grabbed his arm and screamed, falling to the ground in pain. 

He dropped to his knees next to her, one hand on the small of her back. “Breathe, Dora.”

She screamed again, her face twisted painfully. “I fucking hate you,” she moaned.

“I know. It’s okay,” he nodded, stroking her hair. 

She shuddered and took a deep breath. “Oh my god. I can’t do this.”

“Stop saying that. If anyone can do this, you can.”

“I’m scared.”

“Me too. But let’s get up and walk back to the house. Things seem to be getting stronger.”

“Don’t leave me.”

“I won’t.”

“Fucking promise me, Remus. Never leave me again.”

“I won’t leave you. I promise. Come on, love. Up. On your feet.”

“Fuck!” she wailed as another contraction ripped through her body.

“Jesus. You’re okay.” Lupin held her up as Tonks sagged against him, digging her fingernails into his forearm. “Breathe, baby. Okay, we’re up and we’re walking. Come on.”

Lupin opened the door to the house and helped Tonks inside. “ _Andromeda_!!”

She hurried into the room. “Alright, sweetheart. Here we go.” She helped Tonks over to the couch. “Let’s get your feet up. It looks like you’re almost there.”

“Mom,” she cried. “I don’t want to do this.”'

“Well it’s way too late for that, sweet girl. Remus is here, and he’s going to hold your hand, and you two are going to do this.”

Lupin was at her side, lacing his fingers through hers, and nodded. “I’m here.”

“Oh Dora, you’re close. It’s time to start pushing.”

“Fuck, Mom! I can’t do this.”

She smiled. “You can, honey. You can do anything. Come on.”

Remus kissed her forehead. “Hey, look at me.” Tonks turned her eyes toward him, filled with uncertainty. He’d never felt more terrified in his life, but she needed him now. “Stay here with me, Dora, okay? You with me?”

“I’m with you,” she whispered, wincing. “But I’m scared.”

“I know, love. Look at me.”

Another contraction ripped through her body. “Fuck!” She squeezed his hand so hard he thought she might break his fingers.

“You’re doing so good,” Andromeda encouraged. “Push, honey.”

“I’m trying!” moaned Tonks.

“Look at me,” Lupin repeated. He took an deep breath, prompting her to do the same. “Stay with me. You can do this.”

She nodded, tears on her cheeks. “I just want it to be over.”

“I know. It’s almost over. You’re so close.” He kissed her hand.

She pushed and screamed, and he gradually lost all feeling in his fingers. It seemed to go on for far too long, and he was terrified that something was wrong. Tonks looked exhausted.

“One more push,” said Andromeda, locking eyes with Lupin. She nodded at him.

Tonks gritted her teeth, her face contorted in pain. Remus felt desperate, hands clammy, heart pounding.

“Okay, the head and shoulders are almost out. Just one more push and you get to meet your baby,” Andromeda urged with a smile.

“What? You already fucking said I only had one more, Mom!” Tonks sobbed.

“Well, this time I really fucking mean it. Come on, Nymphadora. _Push_.”

Remus had never heard anything as horrifying as the screams that came out of Tonks, her hand crushing his like a vice. Then she collapsed back on the pillows under her head, closing her eyes tightly. 

Andromeda beamed at them as a colicky cry split the silence in the room, and she was ready with towels and blankets. “It’s a boy!”

“A boy,” Tonks grinned, her eyes still closed.

Lupin felt like he was sleepwalking as he moved to his mother-in-law’s side. He’d never seen a baby so small before, and he just stood there, dumbfounded, his mouth hanging open slightly, his hands shaking with hesitation.

She handed him the bundle, helping him to position his arms with an encouraging nod. “Meet your son, Remus.”

He swallowed hard, his heart thudding in his unbearably tight chest. The baby’s eyes were closed, a tiny fist near his mouth. He had a shock of black hair and a round button nose.

“Hi, Teddy,” Lupin whispered. His breath caught in his throat.

“Bring him over here already!” Tonks cried.

Lupin was back by her side in three strides, placing their baby in her outstretched arms. Tonks pressed her lips together and gasped, a huge smile spreading across her face. “Oh my god. Look at his little nose!”

He kissed her sweat-streaked forehead, his hands shaking.

She beamed up at him, tucking their baby against her chest. “We did it.”

Lupin shook his head. “No, _you_ did it. You were brilliant, love.”

Teddy’s hair was black when he was born, but changed to orange within the hour. 

“Nymphadora’s hair did the same thing,” Andromeda remembered with a smile. “She went through seven different colors that first day alone.” 

*** 

**This section is from _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_ by J.K. Rowling***

There was a bang on the front door, and everyone’s head turned toward it. Fleur came running out of the kitchen, looking frightened; Bill jumped to his feet, wand pointing at the door; Harry, Ron, and Hermione did the same. Silently Griphook slipped beneath the table, out of sight. “Who is it?” Bill called. 

“It is I, Remus Lupin!” called a voice over the howling wind. “I am a werewolf, married to Nymphadora Tonks, and you, the SecretKeeper of Shell Cottage, told me the address and bade me come in an emergency!” 

“Lupin,” muttered Bill, and he ran to the door and wrenched it open. 

Lupin fell over the threshold. He was white-faced, wrapped in a traveling cloak, his gray hair windswept. He straightened up, looked around the room, making sure of who was there, then cried aloud, “It’s a boy! We’ve named him Ted, after Dora’s father!” 

Hermione shrieked. “Wha — ? Tonks — Tonks has had the baby?” 

“Yes, yes, she’s had the baby!” shouted Lupin. 

__

All around the table came cries of delight, sighs of relief: Hermione and Fleur both squealed, “Congratulations!” and Ron said, “Blimey, a baby!” as if he had never heard of such a thing before. 

__

“Yes — yes — a boy,” said Lupin again, who seemed dazed by his own happiness. He strode around the table and hugged Harry; the scene in Grimmauld Place might never have happened. “You’ll be godfather?” he said as he released Harry. 

__

“M-me?” stammered Harry.

“You, yes, of course — Dora quite agrees, no one better —” 

__

“I — yeah — blimey —” Harry felt overwhelmed, astonished, delighted; now Bill was hurrying to fetch wine, and Fleur was persuading Lupin to join them for a drink. 

__

“I can’t stay long, I must get back,” said Lupin, beaming around at them all: He looked years younger than Harry had ever seen him. “Thank you, Bill.” 

__

Bill had soon filled all of their goblets, they stood and raised them high in a toast. 

__

“To Teddy Remus Lupin,” said Lupin, “a great wizard in the making!” 

__

“ ’Oo does ’e look like?” Fleur inquired. 

__

“I think he looks like Dora, but she thinks he is like me. Not much hair. It looked black when he was born, but I swear it’s turned ginger in the hour since. Probably be blond by the time I get back. Andromeda says Tonks’ hair started changing color the day that she was born.” He drained his goblet. “Oh, okay, just one more,” he added, beaming, as Bill made to fill it again. 

__

The wind buffeted the cottage and the fire leapt and crackled, and Bill opened another bottle of wine. Lupin’s news seemed to have taken them out of themselves, removed them for a while from their state of siege: Tidings of new life were exhilarating. 

__

“No, no… I really must get back,” said Lupin at last, declining yet another goblet of wine. He got to his feet and pulled his traveling cloak back around himself. “Goodbye, goodbye — I’ll try and bring some pictures in a few days’ time — they’ll all be so glad to know that I’ve seen you —” 

__

He fastened his cloak and made his farewells, then, still beaming, returned into the wild night. 

__


	54. Chillest Little Baby Around

**April 11, 1998**

Without too much discussion, the three of them continued staying with Andromeda for the moment. She welcomed the happy distraction from her grief, her face lighting up when she held baby Teddy in her arms. The new parents were both grateful for her help, and Remus knew being there was helping Tonks cope with her postpartum struggles as well.

Their son was not quite two weeks old when it was time for the full moon. Lupin hadn’t slept the night before, knowing what revelations might await them.

Tonks woke to find him staring out the window. Her eyes were bleary after having just been up two hours earlier to feed the baby. “Remus. You okay?”

“I have to leave today. We’ll know after this full moon if Teddy’s been affected.”

Tonks gulped and nodded.

“I’m so sorry to leave you alone with this, but even if he does have lycanthropy, he’s too small to be dangerous. He may transform physically, although some don’t when they’re this young. But he’ll be very agitated either way; there won’t be any doubt.”

“I know. I’ve been reading a lot about it.”

Lupin kissed her forehead. “I wish we could fast forward to a few days from now when we just know. I’m dying here.”

Tonks nodded again. She had been dreading this moment as well, and now it was finally here. What kind of life were they going to be able to have? So much of their future hinged on this moment. She took a deep, shaky breath.

***

The day seemed to stretch on forever, but finally the time came for Lupin to leave. Teddy was asleep in his bassinet, and Remus gently touched his head, closing his eyes as he tried to send positive thoughts out into the universe.

Tonks wrapped her arms around his waist. “I love you. Come back to us in one piece.”

Lupin swallowed hard and kissed her on the lips, a tight, somber look on his face.

Andromeda came over to Remus and clasped his hands. “I’ll be here, we’ll be okay. Whatever happens.” She nodded. “It’s going to be okay.”

Lupin’s face was tense as he hugged his mother-in-law and kissed Tonks one last time, pulling her close against his chest. And then he was gone.

***

**April 14, 1998**

Remus’ whole body shook as he walked down the path to Andromeda’s house after the full moon. He concentrated on just putting one foot in front of the other, terrified of the life-changing news he was about to receive when he walked through that door.

But he didn’t even need to get that far. Tonks flung the door open and waved, a big smile on her face. “Everything was fine! Teddy was fine!” she called to him, and Lupin’s legs buckled underneath him. He collapsed in a heap to the ground.

Tonks ran to his side in an instant, kneeling on the grass, her eyes huge. “Hey. Remus, are you okay?”

Lupin looked at her, struggling to breathe. “Nothing happened?”

She grinned and shook her head. “Chillest little baby around.”

He hung his head and clung to her, overcome with relief, and without even realizing it, he started sobbing.

“Oh, love,” murmured Tonks, wrapping her arms around him as they sat on the ground outside her family’s house. He leaned into her, realizing that he had been holding back so much for so long, and he finally let it all out.

“Dora, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he whispered as he buried his face in her neck. “All my life, all that worrying, and I pushed you away —”

“Hey. Teddy’s fine,” Tonks assured him, stroking his hair. “We all are.”

“I should have trusted you more,” Lupin cried. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. All that wasted time. Oh my god.”

Tonks shuddered as a tear rolled down her cheek too. “It’s okay, love. We’re okay.” She held his face in her hands, rubbing her thumb over his lips. “Everything’s good.” Tonks leaned in and kissed him.

Lupin took a deep breath and wiped his eyes. He brushed the hair out of Tonks’ face and kissed her forehead.

“Come inside,” she urged him. “I think Teddy got bigger while you were gone.”

“Yeah?” he asked.

“Mmm hmm. Come on. He missed his daddy.” She smiled and stood up, pulling Lupin to his feet and wrapping her arms around his waist, and they walked inside the house together.

***

**April 16, 1998**

Teddy’s crying split through the quiet of the night. Lupin shot straight up, momentarily disoriented, and then jumped out of bed to scoop up the baby from the cradle before the noise woke up Dora. She hadn’t gotten more than three consecutive hours of sleep since he was born, and he wanted to give her as much rest as he possibly could.

“Shhhh, you’re okay little guy,” Lupin whispered, quickly closing the bedroom door closed behind them.

He changed the baby’s diaper and warmed some milk from the fridge. Lupin sat in the armchair in the front room and offered Teddy the bottle, which he accepted eagerly. He watched the little boy, his eyes closed peacefully, tiny hand attempting to grip the bottle that Lupin held steady for him. Remus felt a small smile spread across his own face as he looked down at his son.

Andromeda’s bedroom door opened, and she came into the front room, wrapping a shawl around her shoulders. “Hey… I thought I heard someone up.”

Lupin smiled. “Little man was hungry. I figured I’d give Dora a break.”

Andromeda came and sat in the chair next to them. “You’re a natural.”

“I don’t know about that. But thanks.”

“He’s a good eater.”

“Sure is. He’s growing so much already.”

“Babies do that,” Andromeda smiled. “He’ll be a teenager before we know it.” She paused, and her face got serious. “How are you feeling? About everything?”

Lupin looked at her. “What do you mean?”

She shrugged. “Being back. Being a husband. Being a father.”

“Well, I feel a lot better since the full moon’s come and gone and everything’s okay.”

Andromeda nodded. “Dora was absolutely frantic, Remus. She didn’t want you to see how nervous it made her, waiting to see if he’s been affected. But it was eating away at her. I know she’s relieved too.” She paused. “Did she ever tell you that she went to see your dad?”

Lupin looked up, startled. “She did? When?”

“A couple of months ago, when she was still pregnant. During the full moon.”

“She never told me.”

“She didn’t want you to know how worried she was.”

“Geez, my dad didn’t even know we were having a baby. We… don’t talk as much as we should.”

“Well, he knows now,” Andromeda pointed out.

Lupin swallowed hard. “We should take Teddy to go meet him soon.”

“You really should.”

As Teddy finished the end of the bottle, Lupin gently tugged it from his mouth and set it on the table next to him. He lifted the baby up to his shoulder and started rubbing and patting his back softly.

“See? You’re doing great.”

Lupin gave her a smile and leaned his head toward his son’s, breathing him in.

“It’s good of you to let Nymphadora sleep. She needs the rest.”

“Yeah. I can tell she’s still uncomfortable. Physically, I mean. And it’s hard to heal when you’re up all night.”

Andromeda laughed. “Yep. That’s motherhood.” Then her face got more serious. “She’s been through a lot these past few years. But, of course, you already knew that.”

There was a long moment of silence as Lupin looked at his mother-in-law. “Did she tell you? What they did to her the night of Bill and Fleur’s wedding? What they… almost did to her?”

“She told me.” Andromeda wore a tight expression on her face.

“Oh my god, Andromeda. It broke me. It haunts me. I can picture every detail of that night, even though I want nothing more than to forget it. I’ve seen a lot in my time, but nothing has ever messed with my head like what they did to Dora. And it was all my fault.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” she assured him.

“But it was. They targeted her because of me. They targeted you and Ted because of me.”

“You can’t control other people, Remus. Bad people will always find a reason to do bad things.”

He was quiet as he let that sink in. Teddy had fallen asleep on his shoulder, his warm breath against Lupin’s face.

“But,” Andromeda continued, “you _can_ control how you react to it. You left Dora in a really awful place, Remus. She’d just found out she was pregnant. She’d been through a terrible emotional and physical trauma. And you walked out on her. My daughter is strong, but I've never seen her come undone like that before.” 

Andromeda paused, then looked hard at Lupin as she continued. “Did you know that the man who threatened to do those things to her at the wedding was the one who hurt her before?”

Lupin nodded gravely.

Andromeda closed her eyes. “I remember getting the call from St. Mungo’s a few years ago. That motherfucker twisted her arm behind her back and snapped the bone in two places. Left bruises all over her body. But what scared me most was the look on her face. Her eyes looked so hollow. Like she was gone.”

Lupin thought back, remembering how jumpy she seemed on the job, how determined she became to learn how to protect herself, the night of her birthday when she got wasted and sobbed about her shitty year. He wished he had known... he could have looked out for her more, could have done more to help her feel safe.

As if reading his mind, Andromeda spoke. “It happened around the same time she started working with the Order. When she started working with you. She talked about you all the time, you know, Remus.”

Andromeda rolled her eyes with a smile on her face. “It was obvious. To me at least. She was completely infatuated. I was a little worried at first, about the timing, that she latched onto you so quickly after everything she’d been through. She was still so young. But I think you were good for her. You made her feel safe. You were there for her, and she got her confidence back.”

Her face darkened as she continued. “But then imagine how it felt for her to see that man again. To have him put his hands on her again. She was afraid of her own shadow. And this time you weren’t there. She had nightmares every night for the first week you were gone. I’d wake up to her screaming — usually for you.”

Lupin felt a stabbing pain in his chest.

“She stopped eating — I was honestly scared that she might try to hurt herself. You were only gone a couple of weeks, but we didn’t know if you were ever coming back. One of Dora’s greatest strengths is her loyalty. But it also leaves her vulnerable. And you abandoning her right after all of that happened, right as the hormones started taking over her body… I don’t know why you made the choices you did, Remus. I’m sure you had your reasons. But it almost destroyed her.”

Lupin swallowed the lump in his throat. “I didn’t mean to — I didn’t think —”

“No. You _didn’t_ think,” Andromeda agreed. “If you weren’t ready to stand by her side no matter what, you shouldn’t have married her, and you certainly shouldn’t have been so reckless as to get her pregnant if you couldn’t handle the consequences.”

Lupin gulped at his mother-in-law’s uncharacteristically harsh words.

“And now every decision you make impacts all _three_ of you. Just a few days before you came back, I’d made her go for a walk with me out by the lake, and she felt the baby kick for the first time. All of a sudden it was like she had a reason to live again. He saved her, Remus.”

Lupin tightened his grip on Teddy, feeling an overwhelming rush of gratitude for the tiny life he held in his arms. 

“Nymphadora loves you too much to be this blunt with you. But you need to know how deeply your decisions impact other people.”

He took in a long, shuddering breath and closed his eyes.

“Hey,” Andromeda touched his arm, but he felt too ashamed to meet her gaze. “Look at me. We all fuck up sometimes. But hopefully we learn from our mistakes. And do better when something goes wrong in the future. Life is going to keep throwing you curveballs. You were amazing when she was in labor, you know that? Keeping her calm and focused. That was exactly what she needed. You’re _good_ for her, Remus. You’re good for each other. It’s not too late. You have the rest of your lives together. And with this little guy too.” She smiled and gestured to the baby curled up on his chest.

Lupin nodded, his expression solemn.

Andromeda’s face softened. “I’m sorry. I know that was hard for you to hear. But I needed to say it. I’ve been wanting to, but I was waiting for the right time. I figured we just got good news about Teddy, and it’s time to move on. I have a hard time holding my tongue when I’ve got something on my mind.”

“Ah. So that’s where Dora gets it from? Although I remember Ted never had much of a hard time speaking up either.” Lupin smiled gently.

A sad smile crossed Andromeda’s face. “No, he certainly didn’t, did he.”

“He fucking _hated_ me.”

Andromeda laughed. “He didn’t hate you, Remus. You should have seen him with some of the other jokers she brought around before you. I actually think you were his favorite by the end.”

“Jesus. Those poor other guys then.”

“I mean, anyone she ended up with was always going to be the man who stole his baby girl. But he’d really come around about you by the time…” She trailed off. “I think it changed for him when you came back and stopped taking work with the Order. He could tell you really meant it. That you were going to watch out for her.”

Lupin smiled ruefully. “We actually had a drink together the last time I saw him. Never would have dreamed that could happen after our first meeting.”

Andromeda laughed. “Oh, my Ted. I miss him so fucking much.”

Lupin looked at her with eyes full of understanding. “I know. Dora does too.”

“I’m glad I’ve been able to help, and it’s been good to have you all close. Especially since Ted…” Andromeda trailed off. “But it’s probably time for you to think about taking your family home. You know, get settled, figure out your routines. Dora and Teddy are welcome to come and stay during full moons, but you’ll feel more comfortable back in your own place. You have your whole lives ahead of you, watching this little guy grow up, together. It’s going to be incredible. The two of you can _do_ this.”

He nodded.

“I love you all. But I already raised a child. This one’s yours, Remus.” She smiled warmly.

Lupin laughed. “I know. I’ll talk to Dora. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate everything you’ve already done for us, Andromeda. I do worry about her… alone, with the baby when I’m gone. But we’re going to need to figure it out.”

“And you _will_ figure it out,” Andromeda nodded encouragingly. “When my daughter sets her mind to something, there’s no stopping her.”

She stood up, rubbing Teddy on the back, and he stirred slightly, then she patted Lupin on the cheek. “Alright, I’m going back to bed. Thanks for listening, Remus. See you all in a few hours.”

“Goodnight, Andromeda.”


	55. Exhausted Bliss

**April 19, 1998**

Lupin woke with a start in the middle of the night and found their bed empty, cold. Dora wasn’t there, and Teddy was gone too. He rushed to his feet, grabbing his wand. _Where were they_??

He burst into the front room as Tonks looked up in surprise, putting a finger to her lips. Remus sighed with relief and lowered his wand, taking in the sight of his tiny son sleeping in her arms in the rocking chair by the window.

“You okay?” Tonks murmured, looking at him curiously.

“No, I didn’t know where you two were. I freaked out.” He shook his head.

“Mmm, sorry. I didn’t want to wake you.” She smiled at him sleepily.

Lupin dropped to the floor beside the chair, and placed his hand on Teddy’s back. He could feel the slight breaths moving his chest up and down. He looked up at his wife, moonlight streaming over face, their baby snuggled against her chest. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered.

Tonks wrinkled her nose. “You’re such a liar. I’m swollen and bruised and feel like I’ve been run over by a truck,” she laughed.

Remus smiled and shook his head as he kissed her knee. “No. You’ve definitely never been more beautiful than you are right now. Motherhood suits you. You’re glowing, love.”

He leaned his head against her, and Tonks used her free hand to stroke his hair, sighing contentedly, her tiny family close together and safe, at least for tonight.

Andromeda woke an hour later and walked in the front room to find her daughter, asleep in the rocking chair with Teddy curled up peacefully against her chest. Lupin was sleeping too, sitting on the floor with his head resting in Tonks’ lap, her fingers tangled in his hair.

Reaching for a pencil and a pad of paper, Andromeda sat at the kitchen table and traced out a quick sketch of the sleeping family, a smile on her face as she drew.

***

**April 21, 1998**

“So, I was thinking,” Lupin began, walking with Tonks down by the lake on Andromeda’s property one afternoon while Teddy was napping. “It’s probably time for us to go back to our own place. Your mom’s been amazing, but you don’t actually want to live here forever… do you?”

“I love my mom, but _definitely_ not,” she replied with a smile and an eye roll. “And I don’t imagine she wants that either.”

Lupin laughed, relieved.

“You’re right,” said Tonks, nodding. “It’s probably time to go home. I’m just still so tired all the time, and my mom’s been such a big help with the baby. I don’t know. I feel weak. I hate it. But it’ll go away. Eventually. Right?”

Lupin reached out and brushed a stray wisp of hair out of her face. These days, it was always her natural shade of brown. Her strength was drained. “Of course, love. You’ll bounce back. And I’ll be here to help until you do. We can do this. I can’t wait to wake up at our own house with you and Teddy,” he told her.

“Mmm. That will be nice. But we’re going to have to be really careful when he learns to walk. That cliff is a sharp drop to those rocks below. I’m already having nightmares.” She shuddered.

“We’ll figure it out. I’ll build a guardrail. It’ll be okay. How about on our first night back, we’ll put Teddy to bed, and I’ll cook you something nice for dinner? We can open a bottle of wine...”

“Sounds incredible. Will you make me those fucking amazing mashed potatoes again?”

He chuckled. “I’ll make whatever you want, Dora.”

She smiled up at him and pressed her lips along the corner of his mouth. “So... you want to head home tomorrow?”

He nodded. “Yeah. I do.”

***

**April 22, 1998**

The three of them packed their bags and prepared to leave Andromeda’s house the next day.

Tonks looked at her mother with tears in her eyes. “Mom. I don’t even know how to say thank you for everything.”

Andromeda waved her hand at Tonks, trying to stop herself from crying too, but it wasn’t long before both of them were sobbing and clinging to each other.

“Oh, Dora. I’m just so proud of you.” Andromeda embraced her only child and rocked her back and forth. “You and Teddy are welcome to come back and stay for the full moons whenever you’d like. And I’ll still be around plenty to help. You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”

Lupin hugged Andromeda next. “Thank you,” he said quietly. “For everything. I truly don’t know what we’d do without you.”

She patted him on the cheek. “And I’ll be here, for whatever you three need. Now you all take care of each other, you hear?”

***

The tired new parents brought Teddy home, Remus opening the door for his little family as Tonks stepped inside with the baby in her arms.

“This is our house, Teddy,” she narrated as she walked around the front room. “You’re going to love it here. This is the kitchen, and back here is Mommy and Daddy’s room, but you’ll be sleeping there too until you get bigger. See this cradle? Daddy made it for you.”

Lupin smiled to himself as he watched her.

Tonks turned to look at Remus, then walked over, standing on her tiptoes to kiss him.

“Good to be back home?” he asked.

She nodded and grinned, handing him the baby. “I’m going to unpack. Then I do believe you promised me wine and mashed potatoes?”

***

**April 28, 1998**

Teddy’s cries split through the night, and Tonks groaned as they both sat up in bed, Lupin turning on the light.

They had established a good routine that was working: Remus would change Teddy’s diaper and then bring him over to Tonks for his feeding.

Tonks got up and staggered to the bathroom, splashing some water on her face, and looked at her tired reflection in the mirror. Then she sat down gingerly in the rocking chair and Lupin brought her the famished baby. She took Teddy in her arms and guided him to her breast, propping a pillow under him for support. “Fuck,” she grimaced, her eyes open wide, her fists clenched. “It still hurts when he latches on. Is that normal?”

“Umm…” Remus looked at her with wide eyes and shrugged helplessly.

“Oh, okay, that’s a little better.” She sighed with visible relief. “You can go back to sleep, Remus,” she murmured.

He bent down and kissed her forehead. “No, I want to be with you two. I’m awake.”

“Really?” she asked incredulously.

“Uh huh. You need anything?”

Tonks shook her head. “No. Well, maybe some water.”

“Be right back.”

He returned a minute later with a glass of water for her, as well as an unwrapped chocolate bar. She looked at him and laughed. “Yeah?”

He shrugged. “Yeah. I don’t know. You want some?”

“Hell yes.”

He chuckled and broke her off a piece of the candy bar. “I thought you might.”

She took a bite. “Mmm that’s good. What time is it anyway?” she asked.

He leaned over and squinted at the clock. “Three-fifteen.”

She groaned, and then burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny?” he asked.

“I’m so fucking tired.”

They both exploded in another fit of laughter.

“More chocolate please,” grinned Tonks, holding her hand out to Remus.

***

**May 1, 1998**

“You know, I think you owe me a honeymoon,” Tonks said one morning as Lupin kissed her forehead before getting up to make them coffee. Teddy was still sleeping soundly in the cradle next to their bed.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. My mom will watch Teddy. You know, when he’s a bit older. It would be good for us to get away for a bit. Together. Just us.”

“I like the sound of that. Where would we go?” Lupin kissed her neck.

“I don’t know — I’ve always wanted to go to Morocco. Or Prague. Or Montreal.”

Lupin laughed. “You pick. I’ll go anywhere with you, Dora.” He kissed her deeply, laying back down on the bed next to her and pulling her close up against him. She sighed against his mouth, her tongue sliding against his as he ran his hand up and down the curve of her hip.

“Mmm. It’s still too soon… right?” he murmured.

She shuddered. “Yes. I’m still a bit of a mess down there. I’m kind of terrified about it.”

“Oh, my poor love. Well, I’m a patient man.”

“Ugh, I can’t wait until we can get back to this.” She wrapped her arms around his neck. “I miss our sex life.”

“I know.” His fingers ghosted over her skin, making her shiver, and she giggled. He rubbed his thumb over her nipple and she slapped his hand away.

“No way, stop. That feels strange. I’m breastfeeding, Remus. Hands off for now.”

“I’m sorry. Your tits look _fantastic_. I’m almost jealous of Teddy and all the quality time he gets to spend with them.”

“That’s weird.”

“Mmm. Sorry. Is it?” He kissed her jaw.

“I don’t know. A little.”

He pulled back to smile at her and kissed her lips. “I love you.”

“I love you too. Now go make me some coffee already. Please?”


	56. The Battle of Hogwarts (The End)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We all knew it was coming... I don't have the words to describe how hard it was to write this scene. 💔💔💔
> 
> While this is tragically "the end" for Remus+Tonks, there are two more chapters in this story, and I will post them both tomorrow. Thank you so much for sticking with me and for reading their beautifully tragic tale about finding love, even when the odds are against you.

**May 2, 1998**

“You’re one month old, little man.” Tonks beamed down at baby Teddy in his crib. “Aww. That went by so fast!”

“Did it?” Lupin muttered, raising his eyebrows and taking a large gulp of coffee. Tonks smacked his arm. “Kidding, kidding.” He grinned and kissed her cheek.

It was a sunny spring day, and the family spent much of it outside on a blanket by the water. The baby was fascinated by every little thing he saw. He giggled at a butterfly, so Tonks used her wand to make leaves fold themselves into the same shape and flap their wings, much to Teddy’s delight. 

“Look at him,” she breathed. “Oh my god, isn’t he fucking adorable?”

“Of course he is. He gets it from his mother.” Lupin kissed her forehead and stretched out his legs, laying all the way back on the blanket.

Tonks propped herself up on her elbow, the baby between them. She reached down to brush a stray wisp of hair off Teddy’s forehead.

As the sun started to go down, Lupin rubbed his hands over Tonks’ bare arms when she started to shiver, and they all moved inside. She picked up the yawning baby and went to feed and put him to bed, while Remus cooked them dinner.

After dinner, Tonks stretched out on the couch. Lupin sat down, pulling her legs into his lap, and he began rubbing her feet. She smiled at him and closed her eyes, sighing happily, and started to drift off to sleep.

But a little before ten o’clock, the relative quiet of the evening was unexpectedly broken by the arrival of Kingsley Shacklebolt’s Patronus.

Lupin urgently shook Tonks awake with a tight look, and she sat up suddenly as the silver lynx spoke its ominous message: “ _Voldemort and his Death Eaters are on their way to Hogwarts. Harry is here, and the school is preparing to fight. We need you_.” Then the Patronus vanished, and they sat in stunned silence for a long moment, turning to look at each other in horror. 

“I — I have to go,” Lupin said, his expression tense. He looked at Tonks imploringly, pleading with her to understand. “I know we said no more jobs, but this…”

She slowly nodded. “I know.”

“You should take Teddy and go to your mom’s. You’ll all be safe there,” he urged. 

“Remus, don’t be ridiculous. I’m coming with you.”

“Dora, no. Teddy needs you to stay with him.”

“My mother can —”

“Dora, _please_.” Lupin looked at her desperately. “I need to know that you’re safe. That you’re both safe.”

Tonks’ eyes narrowed, her hands on her hips. “Remus, I’m perfectly capable —”

“You just gave birth a month ago,” he cut her off. “You haven’t gotten all of your strength back yet. You said so yourself. Please. Promise me you’ll stay put?”

She looked at him, her face pained, and nodded slowly. “Promise me you’ll come back to us in one piece? I don’t know what we’d do without you.”

Lupin took her face in his hands and kissed her like it was the last time.

***

***This section is from _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_ by J.K. Rowling***

The room slowly came into view, and Harry slipped down the last few stairs in shock. It was packed, far more crowded than when he was last in there. Kingsley and Lupin were looking up at him, along with Oliver Wood, Katie Bell, Angelina Johnson and Alicia Spinnet, Bill and Fleur, and Arthur and Molly.

“Harry, what’s happening?” said Lupin, meeting him at the foot of the stairs.

“Voldemort’s on his way, they’re barricading the school — Snape’s run for it — What are you doing here? How did you know?”

“We sent messages to the rest of Dumbledore’s Army,” Fred explained. “You couldn’t expect everyone to miss the fun, Harry, and the D.A. let the Order of the Phoenix know, and it all kind of snowballed.” 

“What first, Harry?” called George. “What’s going on?”

“They’re evacuating the younger kids and everyone’s meeting in the Great Hall to get organized,” Harry said. “We’re fighting.”

There was a scuffling and a great thump: Someone had clambered out of the tunnel. He pulled himself up on the nearest chair, looked around through lopsided horn-rimmed glasses, and said, “Am I too late? Has it started? I only just found out, so I — I —” Percy spluttered into silence. Evidently he had not expected to run into most of his family.

There was a long moment of astonishment, broken only by Fleur turning to Lupin and saying loudly, in a wildly transparent attempt to break the tension, “So — ’ow eez leetle Teddy?”

Lupin blinked, startled. The silence between the Weasleys seemed to be solidifying, like ice. “I — oh yes — he’s fine!” Lupin said loudly. “Yes, Tonks is with him — at her mother’s — Here, I’ve got a picture!” Lupin shouted, pulling a photograph from inside his jacket and showing it to Fleur and Harry, who saw a tiny baby with a tuft of bright turquoise hair, waving fat fists at the camera. 

“I was a fool!” Percy roared, so loudly that Lupin nearly dropped his photograph. “I was an idiot, I was a pompous prat, I was a — a —”

“Ministry-loving, family-disowning, power-hungry moron?” offered Fred.

Percy swallowed. “Yes, I was!”

“Well, you can’t say fairer than that,” said Fred, holding out his hand to Percy. Molly burst into tears. She ran forward, pushed Fred aside, and pulled Percy into a strangling hug, while he patted her on the back, his eyes on his father.

“I’m sorry, Dad,” Percy said. Mr. Weasley blinked rapidly, then he too hurried to hug his son.

“What made you see sense, Perce?” inquired George.

“It’s been coming on for a while,” said Percy. “But I had to find a way out. The Ministry is imprisoning traitors all the time. I made contact with Aberforth and he tipped me off ten minutes ago that Hogwarts was going to make a fight of it, so here I am.”

“Well, we do look to our prefects to take a lead at times such as these,” said George in a good imitation of Percy’s pompous manner. “Now let’s get upstairs and fight, or all the good Death Eaters’ll be taken.”

“So, you’re my sister-in-law now?” said Percy, shaking hands with Fleur as they hurried off toward the staircase with Bill, Fred, and George.

Kingsley had stepped forward to address those who remained behind. “We’ve only got half an hour until midnight, so we need to act fast! A battle plan has been agreed upon between the teachers of Hogwarts and the Order of the Phoenix. Flitwick, Sprout, and McGonagall are going to take groups up to the three highest towers, where they’ll have a good overview and excellent positions from which to work spells. Meanwhile Remus, Arthur, and I will take groups into the grounds.”

***

Tonks was pacing frantically in front of the window at her mother’s house with Teddy in her arms, her heart pounding. “Daddy’s going to be okay,” she murmured over and over again in Teddy’s ear, trying to convince herself more than anything. “He’ll be back in just a little bit.”

Andromeda chewed on her lip as she helplessly watched the panicked wheels turning in her daughter’s head, knowing there was nothing she could say to calm her fears.

Tonks finally turned with intense eyes. “Mom, I’m sorry, but I can’t do this. I have to go.”

Andromeda shook her head. “No, Dora. Absolutely not. Teddy needs you here. He’s only one month old. You can’t both leave him. What if —?” She trailed off helplessly.

“Remus needs me more right now. I have a terrible feeling. I can’t stay here, I’ll just go mad with worry. If something happens to him and I didn’t go — I’d always wonder if things could have turned out differently. Mom, _please_.”

Andromeda gripped her only child’s shoulders and looked at her with tears in her eyes. “You’re too stubborn for your own good, Nymphadora. Just like your father. Please be safe. Come back for Teddy. And remember that I love you.”

Tonks nodded through tears, kissing her tiny sleeping son on the top of his head and breathing him in. “Mommy loves you, Teddy. I’ll see you when you wake up in the morning.” She took a deep, shuddering breath and handed him over to Andromeda. 

Then Tonks threw her arms around her mother’s neck. “ _Thank you_. Remus and I will be back as soon as we can. I love you, Mom.”

***

***This section is from _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_ by J.K. Rowling***

“I know where the diadem is,” said Harry, talking fast. “He hid it exactly where I hid my old Potions book, where everyone’s been hiding stuff for centuries.”

As the walls trembled again, Harry led Ron and Hermione back through the concealed entrance and down the staircase into the Room of Requirement. It was empty except for three women: Ginny, Tonks, and an elderly witch wearing a moth-eaten hat, whom Harry recognized immediately as Neville’s grandmother.

“Ah, Potter,” she said crisply as if she had been waiting for him. “You can tell us what’s going on.”

“Is everyone okay?” said Ginny and Tonks together.

“As far as we know,” said Harry. “Are people still in the passage to the Hog’s Head?” He knew that the room could not transform while there were still users inside it.

“I was the last to come through, and I sealed it,” said Mrs. Longbottom. “I thought it unwise to leave it open with Aberforth gone. Have you seen my grandson?”

“He’s fighting,” said Harry.

“Naturally,” said the old lady proudly. “Excuse me, I must go and assist him.” With surprising speed she trotted off toward the stone steps. 

Harry looked at Tonks. “I thought you were supposed to be with Teddy at your mother’s?”

“I couldn’t stand not knowing —” Tonks looked anguished. “She’ll look after him. Have you seen Remus?”

“He was taking a group of fighters into the grounds —” Harry started, but before he could speak another word, Tonks sped off.

***

Lupin had led a group outside to the grounds of Hogwarts in an effort to cut off the Death Eaters before they could reach the castle. Most of the fighters in his group were students, many of whom he’d taught during his tenure as Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. He certainly hoped they would recall everything they had learned tonight. Bill Weasley, Fleur Delacour, and Dean Thomas were among the group of about twenty witches and wizards who followed Remus. Wands at the ready, it wasn’t long before they encountered an army of Death Eaters whose numbers were at least twice theirs. And then, it was complete chaos.

Any semblance of order or organization was lost as it became an all-out fight, curses and spells flying between the two sides. Fleur sent a masked Death Eater slamming back into the stone pillar, but then Dean caught a blow on his shoulder and went down. Lupin tried to keep track of his fighters, but it was impossible in the dark.

Then Lupin spotted Dolohov among the Death Eaters and felt something tighten inside his chest. “Confringo!” Lupin yelled, missing Dolohov by an inch, but alerting him to his presence.

Dolohov grimaced when he saw Lupin and raised his wand. “Expulso!”

Lupin dodged the spell easily, pointing his wand at Dolohov. Lupin shouted, “Stupefy!” just as Dolohov screamed, “Crucio!”

But Lupin’s spell hit first, sending Dolohov flying back. He knocked his head on the stone wall and slumped down, and Remus turned his attention to a masked Death Eater.

***

***This section is from _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_ by J.K. Rowling***

The situation within the castle had deteriorated severely: The walls and ceiling were shaking worse than ever; dust filled the air, and through the nearest window, Harry saw bursts of green and red light so close to the foot of the castle that he knew the Death Eaters must be very near to entering the place.

Looking down, Harry saw Grawp the giant meandering past, swinging what looked like a stone gargoyle torn from the roof and roaring his displeasure.

“Let’s hope he steps on some of them!” said Ron as more screams echoed from close by.

“As long as it’s not any of our lot!” said a voice: Harry turned and saw Ginny and Tonks, both with their wands drawn at the next window, which was missing several panes. Even as he watched, Ginny sent a well-aimed jinx into a crowd of fighters below.

“Good girl!” roared Aberforth, his gray hair flying as he led a small group of students past. “They look like they might be breaching the north battlements, they’ve brought giants of their own!”

“Have you seen Remus?” Tonks called after him.

“He was dueling Dolohov,” shouted Aberforth, “haven’t seen him since!”

“Tonks,” said Ginny, “Tonks, I’m sure he’s okay —”

But Tonks had run off into the dust after Aberforth.

Ginny turned, helpless, to Harry, Ron, and Hermione. “They’ll be all right,” said Harry, though he knew they were empty words.

***

The fighting had mostly dematerialized, many of the Death Eaters now incapacitated or having fled, and Lupin signaled to the remaining fighters to retreat to the castle so they could regroup.

Remus stood just outside the front entrance, ushering his people inside to safety, when he saw Corban Yaxley moving along the perimeter of the grounds. Lupin’s blood turned to ice.

Bill saw the dangerous look that crossed Lupin’s face, the unmistakeable fury in his eyes. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Lupin muttered, distracted. “I’ll be back. Get everyone inside, will you?”

“Uh, okay...” Bill replied, confused, as Lupin walked away from him without any further explanation.

Keeping close to the shadows, Lupin stalked Yaxley, who was not paying close enough attention to notice that he was being pursued. Then Lupin’s foot snapped a twig, and Yaxley finally turned his head, wand pointed at Remus. But he was a moment too late.

“STUPEFY!” bellowed Lupin, and Yaxley slammed into the wall behind him, dazed as he lay on the ground. Remus now held both of their wands, sticking the spare in his waistband.

Towering over him, Lupin had hate written all over his face, but Yaxley just blinked up at him, confused. He appeared to not recognize Remus, or perhaps he’d just been hit over the head too hard to place him.

“Please,” Yaxley begged pathetically.

Lupin sneered, summoning the will to speak the curse that would end this horrible man’s life. This man who had caused Dora so much pain. He realized that he had never wanted to see someone dead so badly before in his life, and he desired nothing more than to be the one to do it, to watch as the life left Yaxley’s eyes. He had never used an Unforgivable Curse before, but Lupin couldn’t think of a more deserving victim.

But then a rawer impulse came over him, wanting to watch this man _suffer_. Still clutching his wand tightly, Lupin knelt down and noticed Yaxley’s bewilderment mount. Then he leaned forward and used his forearm to put pressure on Yaxley’s throat. He watched with vindictive pleasure as the man’s eyes widened in panic, fighting desperately for oxygen.

“This is for my wife, you sick fuck,” Lupin snarled, gradually pressing down harder and harder on Yaxley’s neck, cutting off all his air and crushing his windpipe.

Yaxley wheezed, his face turning red, his eyes nearly bulging out of his face, a vein in his forehead looking as though it might burst. Clawing at Lupin’s hands and arms to no avail, Yaxley’s legs kicked weakly in a last-ditch effort to cling onto life, but they found nothing but air. And then, he was still.

Lupin stared into the man’s empty eyes for another moment, and then stood, looking down at the body lying at his feet. He felt strange, his hands shaking wildly. He had killed before in the heat of battle or in self-defense, but Lupin had never murdered someone with his bare hands like that before.

He had always heard that getting revenge would never felt as good as you hoped it would; that you might even regret it.

But everyone who told him that was wrong. It felt fucking amazing.

***

In a daze, Lupin walked back inside the castle. He felt like he was in a trance, and a strange, calm feeling overtook his whole body, as if a wrong had finally been made right. So when he looked up and saw a familiar face in front of him, he thought for a moment that he was imagining things.

“Remus!” Tonks sprinted down the hall, throwing herself into his arms.

“No. No, _no_... you’re not supposed to be here! What are you doing?” Lupin shouted desperately as he clung to her, his eyes wild with worry.

“I couldn’t leave you to fight alone. I had to come. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if something happened to you — always wondering how things could have turned out if I was here.”

Lupin shook his head, cradling her face in his hands. “Teddy needs you,” he urged his young wife. “You shouldn’t have come. Please, Dora. Go back to your mom’s, be safe tonight.”

She traced the scar above his eyebrow with her thumb. “Stop being foolish,” she assured him with a brave smile. “I love you, Remus. My place in this world is right by your side.”

Lupin felt his knees start to buckle from the weight of her declaration, but somehow he managed to hold himself upright.

“I fucking love you,” he whispered fiercely, looking deep into her eyes as he held her face between his hands. “You know that, right? It’s only ever been you.”

“I know,” she replied, grinning, and kissed him one last time.

***

Seven Death Eaters burst in through the front entrance of Hogwarts. Arthur, Kingsley, and Bill were already there with wands raised and began the fight, and were quickly joined by Lupin and Tonks.

Apparently Dolohov had recovered from Lupin’s assault earlier, because he was back on his feet, flanked by Avery, both of their wands drawn.

Dolohov looked at Lupin and sneered. “You two? This feels familiar.” His eyes moved to Tonks. “Although I think I liked you better as a blonde, sweetheart.” Avery laughed coldly.

“Yeah, we’re just missing Yaxley, and then we’ve got a little reunion,” Lupin leveled. “Except he won’t be joining us. I left his body outside after I choked him with my bare hands. Now you two are next.”

Tonks’ wand still pointed at the Death Eaters, she turned to look at Lupin with huge, questioning eyes. He met her gaze and gave a short, quick nod. She blinked and nodded back at him, swallowing hard. So many unspoken thoughts passed between them in that instant, but there wasn’t time for that now.

Avery looked uncertainly to Dolohov, who narrowed his eyes at Lupin. “Bullshit.”

Lupin shrugged. “I don’t really care if you believe me or not.”

“Deprimo!” yelled Tonks, blowing a hole in the floor between her and Remus and the two menacing Death Eaters.

Avery raised his wand and pointed it at Tonks. “Expulso!”

But Lupin countered in the same instant, sending his own spell at her: “Protego!”

Tonks was knocked to the ground, but virtually unharmed thanks to Lupin’s protective charm, and was able to shoot a curse at Dolohov to keep him at bay, while Remus turned and stunned Avery.

She scrambled to her feet and he grabbed her hand, pulling her around the corner through the courtyard entrance. Tonks was shaking as he wrapped his arm around her waist, giving her a quick, reassuring squeeze.

Lupin leaned back against the wall, struggling to catch his breath. They were both out of shape, out of practice. Months spent away from the Order, plus the recent sleepless nights up with the baby had taken their toll on the couple.

Then Dolohov and Avery came tearing around the corner into the courtyard, followed by Bellatrix Lestrange, the three of them cornering Lupin and Tonks. Lupin pushed off of the wall, standing with his wand pointed, and Tonks raised hers with a suddenly steady hand, drawing herself up a little taller.

Bellatrix laughed as she advanced on the two of them, moving her wand back and forth between them as she appeared to be deciding who to target. 

But Lupin pounced first. “Stupefy!” he shouted, send Bellatrix flying backward, shaking her head, momentarily stunned. Avery and Dolohov stepped around her and advanced on them.

“Confringo!” yelled Tonks, her face set hard as she sent Avery crashing back though the window, and then he exploded into nothing. She exhaled forcefully, and Lupin, Dolohov, and Bellatrix all turned to look at her for a moment with wide eyes.

Tonks glanced quickly to Lupin and saw the corners of his mouth turn up slightly as he nodded at her, a note of pride on his face.

Bellatrix blasted her next curse at Tonks. “Diffindo!”

An angry gash appeared across Tonks’ shoulder, dark scarlet blood spilling down her arm and chest as she gasped and stumbled backward to the ground.

Lupin snarled and turned his attention to Bellatrix. “ _Crucio _!” he bellowed for the first time in his life, and Bellatrix fell to her knees, shrieking in agony, her fists clenched tightly and her eyes rolling back into her head.__

__Tonks staggered to her feet, clutching her bleeding shoulder with one hand, wand raised with the other._ _

__“Expelliarmus!” Dolohov hollered, claiming Lupin’s wand and freeing Bellatrix from the torture._ _

__“Aguamenti!” choked out Tonks, sending a stream of water shooting at Dolohov. Caught off guard, he fell back into the wall, hitting his head again and slumping to the floor, and Tonks wobbled back herself, almost falling over. Her face was pale, the entire right side of her body covered in blood._ _

__Unarmed, Lupin summoned his wand back from the unconscious Dolohov, but Bellatrix was already sending a curse his way: “Avada Kedavra!”_ _

__It would have been the end of Lupin, but a second earlier, Tonks screamed “Protego!” with the last of her strength, casting a protective barrier between Remus and Bellatrix just as his wand reached his outstretched hand again._ _

__The unscathed Lupin beamed at his wife across the room, and she winked at him with a weak smile. She had saved his life, again._ _

__Bellatrix swiveled her head, looking back and forth from Lupin to her niece, and her lips curled up in a cruel, mocking sneer at the obvious affection between them. She laughed just before she hurled the same curse as before, but this time, it was straight at Tonks._ _

__Everything seemed to move in slow motion as the green streak of light hit her square in the chest. Lupin watched in horror as the smile faded from Tonks’ face and the life drained from her eyes, and then she slumped in a heap to the floor._ _

__It was as though time ceased to exist. No. No. **NO.** This wasn’t supposed to happen. She wasn’t even supposed to be here tonight._ _

A sudden void so immense and all-consuming opened up inside of Lupin, and his legs gave out beneath him. She had brought light and joy to his life after an eternity of only knowing darkness and isolation. And now she was _gone_. He couldn’t speak, he couldn’t cry, he couldn’t even scream as his entire world was ripped apart in a single moment. 

He crawled over to her body as more Death Eaters entered the courtyard, and a spell blasted the wall behind him. 

“Dora,” he whispered, cradling her head in his hands. “No, no, you can’t leave me, love. What am I supposed to do now, Dora? _What am I supposed to do_?” 

____

__The blank, lifeless look on her face was the same one that had haunted his nightmares for years — and in that instant, he mourned every miserable minute he had stubbornly spent apart from the woman he loved. Why had he ever resisted her? Now it was all for _nothing_. Time they could never get back._ _

__

__He reached down and laced his fingers through hers one last time, but when he felt that her hand was limp and somehow already cold, the animalistic instincts deep inside of him took over, and Lupin snapped._ _

__

__He stood, shaking with rage, and pointed his wand at Bellatrix Lestrange, who was watching the whole tender scene with gleeful amusement from across the room._ _

__But Bellatrix just cackled loudly as Antonin Dolohov stood back up, brushing bits of plaster off his shoulders, and aimed his final curse behind a distracted, heartbroken Remus. “Avada Kedavra.”_ _

__Lupin didn’t even see it coming as he crumpled to the ground, inches away from Tonks’ body._ _

__***_ _

__***This section is from _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_ by J.K. Rowling*** _ _

__The castle was unnaturally silent. There were no flashes of light now, no bangs or screams or shouts. The flagstones of the deserted entrance hall were stained with blood. Emeralds were still scattered all over the floor, along with pieces of marble and splintered wood. Part of the banisters had been blown away._ _

“Where is everyone?” whispered Hermione.

Ron led the way to the Great Hall. Harry stopped in the doorway. House tables were gone and the room was crowded. The survivors stood in groups, their arms around each other’s necks. The injured were being treated upon the platform by Madam Pomfrey and a group of helpers. 

The dead lay in a row in the middle of the Hall. Harry could not even see Fred’s body, because his family surrounded him. George was kneeling at his head; Mrs. Weasley was lying across Fred’s chest, her body shaking, Mr. Weasley stroking her hair while tears cascaded down his cheeks. Without a word, Ron and Hermione walked away. Harry saw Hermione approach Ginny, whose face was swollen and blotchy, and hug her. Ron joined Bill, Fleur, and Percy, who flung an arm around Ron’s shoulders. 

__As Ginny and Hermione moved away, Harry finally had a clear view of the bodies lying next to Fred: Remus and Tonks, pale and still and peaceful-looking, apparently asleep beneath the dark, enchanted ceiling._ _

__The Great Hall seemed to fly away, become smaller, shrink, as Harry reeled backward from the doorway. He could not draw breath. He could not bear to look at any of the other bodies, to see who else had died for him._ _

__He could not bear to join the Weasleys, could not look into their eyes, when if he had given himself up in the first place, Fred might never have died. He turned away and ran up the marble staircase. Lupin, Tonks. He yearned not to feel. He wished he could rip out his heart, his innards, everything screaming inside him. The castle was completely empty; even the ghosts seemed to have joined the mass mourning in the Great Hall._ _

__Harry ran without stopping, and did not slow down until he reached the stone gargoyle guarding the headmaster’s office. “Password?”_ _

__“Dumbledore!” said Harry without thinking, because it was he whom he yearned to see, and to his surprise the gargoyle slid aside, revealing the staircase behind. But when Harry burst into the circular office he found a change.The portraits that hung all around the walls were empty.__

 _ _Dumbledore’s betrayal was nothing. Of course there had been a bigger plan; Harry had simply been too foolish to see it. He had never questioned why Dumbledore wanted him alive. Now he saw that his life had always been determined by how long it took to eliminate all the Horcruxes. Dumbledore had known that Harry would not duck out, that he would keep going to the end, because he had taken trouble to get to know him, hadn’t he? Dumbledore knew, as Voldemort knew, that Harry would not let anyone else die for him now that he had discovered it was in his power to stop it._ _

__The images of Fred, Lupin, and Tonks lying dead in the Great Hall forced their way back into his mind’s eye, and for a moment he could hardly breathe: Death was impatient. But Dumbledore had overestimated him. He had failed: The snake survived. Ron and Hermione would know what needed to be done. That was why Dumbledore wanted him to confide in them, so that if he fulfilled his true destiny a little early, they could carry on. Like rain on a window, these thoughts pattered against the hard surface of the incontrovertible truth, which was that he must die._ _

***

***This section is from _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_ by J.K. Rowling*  
But I added my own little bit at the end... I just couldn’t help it.😭**

__

__And again Harry understood without having to think. It did not matter about bringing them back, for he was about to join them. He was not really fetching them: They were fetching him. He closed his eyes and turned the stone over in his hand three times._ _

__

__He heard slight movements around him that suggested bodies shifting their footing on the earthy, twig-strewn ground that marked the outer edge of the forest. He opened his eyes and looked around. Less substantial than living bodies, but much more than ghosts, they moved toward him, and on each face, there was the same loving smile._ _

__

__James was exactly the same height as Harry. He was wearing the clothes in which he had died, and his hair was untidy and ruffled, and his glasses were lopsided._ _

__

__Sirius was tall and handsome, and younger by far than Harry had seen him in life. He loped with an easy grace, his hands in his pockets and a grin on his face._ _

__Lupin was younger too, and much less shabby, and his hair was thicker and darker. He looked happy to be back in this familiar place, scene of so many adolescent wanderings._ _

__Lily’s smile was widest of all. She pushed her long hair back as she drew close to him, and her green eyes, so like his, searched his face hungrily, as though she would never be able to look at him enough. “You’ve been so brave.”_ _

__He could not speak. His eyes feasted on her, and he thought that he would like to stand and look at her forever, and that would be enough._ _

__“You are nearly there,” said James. “Very close. We are... so proud of you.”_ _

__“Does it hurt?” The childish question fell from Harry’s lips before he could stop it._ _

__“Dying? Not at all,” said Sirius. “Quicker and easier than falling asleep.”_ _

__“And he will want it to be quick. He wants it over,” said Lupin.__

 _ _“I didn’t want you to die,” Harry said. “Any of you. I’m sorry —” Harry addressed Lupin more than any of them, beseeching him. “Right after you’d had your son… Remus, I’m sorry. And Tonks.” Harry’s voice broke at her name, another dear friend who had died for him, unnecessarily._ _

__“I’m sorry too,” said Lupin. “Sorry we will never know him…but he will know why we died and I hope he will understand. We were trying to make a world in which he could live a happier life.”_ _

__Lupin continued. “I wrote it all down, Harry. Life became uncertain, and there are so many things he needs to know. So I wrote it down, whenever I had time... telling him our story. Teddy should know what we fought for.”_ _

__Harry nodded and blinked, understanding better than anyone the significance of Teddy receiving such a gift from a father he would never know._ _

“He especially should know that his mother was uncommonly brave, and that she saved his father’s life many times, in more ways than one. He needs to know how remarkable she was, Harry.” Lupin smiled wistfully. “She truly was.”


	57. Can I Come In?

**May 15, 1998**

Lyall Lupin was putting a kettle on the stove to make tea when there was a knock on his front door.

He wiped his hands on his pants and cautiously opened the door just a crack to find a woman with a pale face and a wild mane of brown hair. Something about her felt familiar, but he couldn’t quite place it.

“Hello,” he said curiously.

“Hi. Are you Lyall?”

“Yes. Can I help you?”

“My name is Andromeda Tonks. I’m Nymphadora’s mother.”

“Oh... yes, of course.” He looked down at his feet. By now he had heard the news of Remus and Dora’s deaths fighting with the Order to defeat Voldemort and his Death Eaters at Hogwarts.

Lyall kept to himself, finding it safer to be closed off from others, especially since he’d lost his wife Hope all those years ago. He was still processing the news of his son and daughter-in-law’s deaths, which cemented the fact that he was utterly alone in the world.

Andromeda gave him an understanding smile. “Can I come in?” she asked gently.

“Of course. I’m so sorry. I wasn’t thinking. How rude of me.” Lyall opened the door wider to let her inside, and then he gasped. She was carrying a bundle in her arms, a shock of turquoise hair sticking out from the top of the blanket. His eyes flew to hers as she walked inside the house.

He closed the door behind her, his hands shaking. “Is this — ?”

“Yes, I thought you should meet Teddy. Your grandson. I’m sorry, I really meant to come sooner, I just — it’s been a hard couple of weeks.”

“Oh my god. He’s safe.” Lyall collapsed back into an armchair.

Andromeda settled into the chair next to him, rocking the sleeping infant in her arms.

“I’d been wondering since I heard the news about Remus and Dora, if she’d had the baby yet or not…” Lyall trailed off, looking down at his hands. “Remus and I were not the best at communicating, I’m afraid. And once I learned he and Dora were both gone, I realized didn’t even know who to ask.”

Andromeda smiled and nodded at him. “Teddy was born in early April. He was only a month old when they got the news about everything at Hogwarts. Remus went alone, but then an hour later, Nymphadora followed him. She couldn’t stand not knowing.” Andromeda’s voice faltered.

“A boy,” Lyall said, still in shock. “Teddy.”

“Yes. Edward Remus Lupin. Edward after Dora’s father, Ted. We lost him a few weeks before the baby was born.”

“Oh. I’m so sorry.”

“Thank you.” Andromeda paused. “If it was a girl, they were going to name her Hope.”

Lyall closed his eyes and was very quiet as he nodded, smiling sadly and swallowing hard as he thought of his wife. “Is he — is he like Remus?” he asked hesitantly.

Andromeda grinned. “Well, he’s definitely a Metamorphagus like Dora — his hair doesn’t stay the same color for very long, although he sure does seem to be fond of this particular shade of turquoise. But, no — he’s shown no signs of lycanthropy. We’ve now made it through two full moons now with no incident.”

“Oh, thank god.” Lyall buried his face in his hands, and Andromeda gave him space to take a moment.

He took a deep breath and met Andromeda’s eyes. “You know, Dora came to see me a few months ago. That’s how I knew she was expecting.”

“She told me,” Andromeda said with a smile. “You were a great comfort to her during a difficult time. They were planning to bring Teddy to meet you. I heard them talking about it at breakfast just a few days before…” she trailed off again.

Lyall closed his eyes tightly and nodded. What he wouldn’t give to hug his son one last time. He would have loved to see Remus become a father.

“Do you know what happened? To them?” Lyall asked quietly. “All I heard is that they both died fighting.”

Andromeda cleared her throat. “I don’t know much. Things are still a mess, all those casualties. I imagine we might learn more at the memorial service next week. But I heard that Remus led fighters out onto the grounds and was on the front lines.” She closed her eyes for a moment. “A few people said they saw Nymphadora when she first arrived. She was looking for Remus. But I don’t know if they ever found each other before…” She trailed off. “I have to believe that they got to see each other one last time. That he knew she was there. It hurts too much to think otherwise.”

Lyall looked down at his hands, and they were both quiet for several moments.

Then Teddy started to stir, and Andromeda shifted him to lean upright on her shoulder, patting his back gently. Lyall looked over, and she met his gaze with a warm smile. “I should go warm up a bottle. Do you want to hold him?”

Lyall beamed at her with shining eyes, and nodded.


	58. Epilogue

**September 1, 2009**

“You ready?” Andromeda asked Teddy, giving him a reassuring smile. 

He looked at her and nodded. 

She patted his face. “It’s okay to be nervous. Everyone is. But you’re going to be great.”

“I know, Grandma,” Teddy smiled tightly, his stomach giving a lurch. “I’ll be right there.”

He looked around his room one last time. Andromeda had helped pack trunks with clothes and blankets and other things he’d need for his dorm. He had all of his required Hogwarts books, plus the extra volumes on Non-Human Spiritous Apparitions that he inherited from his grandfather Lyall, who had passed away the previous year. And he was bringing his beloved pet cat Romulus, a recent birthday present from his godfather Harry.

Teddy had also packed his most prized possession, a small leather notebook that had belonged to his father. The book was filled with handwritten words that Teddy had read countless times until he practically knew them by heart. Some of the stories were about Remus’ own parents, or his friends James and Sirius during their time at Hogwarts. He’d written about his struggles as a werewolf, his year as a teacher, and shared a lot about the fight against Voldemort. But most of all, he wrote about his love for Dora.

A few pages at the end were still blank, and Teddy had taped three additional treasures inside.

The first was a gift from Molly Weasley, a picture of the Order of the Phoenix from the year they reassembled after Voldemort’s return. Teddy had studied the image carefully and memorized all of their names years ago. Of course he knew Molly and Arthur, and their son Bill, and he’d also met Minerva McGonagall, Kingsley Shacklebolt, and Rubeus Hagrid along the way. He recognized Albus Dumbledore and Mad-Eye Moody by reputation, even though they had passed away before he was born.

Tonks was front and center with her bright pink curls; she wore a confident smirk on her face, and a pair of black clunky boots on her feet. To her right stood a man with long, shaggy black hair, his eyes crinkled with laughter, his arm casually slung around her shoulders. This was Sirius Black, his mom’s cousin and his dad’s best friend. And Remus was on her left, standing tall and looking straight ahead with a small, crooked smile on his face. The subjects all moved slightly, as was typical in magical photography, and Teddy loved to watch how his mother adjusted her stance to lean closer to his father, and the way Remus shifted his gaze from the camera to glance down at her as she did, his smile growing ever-so-slightly.

The next cherished keepsake was a slightly blurry photograph of his mother in a white lace dress with flowers woven into her braided hair. She was sitting on a stool with a glass of champagne in her hand, and she was laughing, looking very much like youth and happiness personified. The paper was creased where it had been folded in half twice, and was worn around the edges, as if it had been handled carefully many times.

And on the last page was a pencil sketch of a young woman sleeping in a rocking chair. She wore a contented smile on her face as she snuggled a tiny baby against her chest. A man was sitting on the floor next to them, his eyes closed and his head resting in her lap, their hands clasped together. Under the drawing, Andromeda had scribbled her initials and the following words:

_Exhausted Bliss!_  
_Dora, Remus, Teddy_  
_April 22, 1998_

Teddy looked at their faces one last time before closing the notebook and tucking it safely inside the trunk. He had mixed emotions about going to Hogwarts for the first time. He was excited, like any other wizard or witch his age, but he was also anxious to see if he felt his parents’ presence in the walls. They’d both gone to school there when they were younger, and his dad had taught Defense Against the Dark Arts.

And of course, they had died there too.

Andromeda reappeared in the doorway, smiling at him knowingly with tears in her eyes. “It’s time, Teddy.”

***

**September 14, 2009**

“Mr. Lupin, can I see you for a moment?” spoke a stern voice.

Teddy froze and looked up to see Headmistress McGonagall standing at his dinner table one evening, about two weeks after school had started for the year.

His fellow Hufflepuffs looked at him with wide eyes, and he just shrugged, not knowing what he had done to get in trouble. He nodded quickly at her and stood, following her out of the dining hall and up the stairs.

McGonagall made conversation as they climbed the stairs. “I had to miss the start of term this year, which I normally hate to do, but business had me out of the country until now. How has your time at Hogwarts been so far, Mr. Lupin?”

“Umm, it’s been great, Professor. Thank you,” Teddy stammered.

“Do you remember me? I met you at the Weasleys’ house just a couple of years ago. Well, we’ve actually met several times, but you were quite young for many of them, and I’m not sure that you’d have any memory of it.”

“Yes, I remember you,” said Teddy, still nervous about why she had called him away from his classmates.

They reached the landing at the top of the stairs, and Minerva turned to look at him. “I knew your parents. Quite well. I have something I’d like to show you.”

Teddy gulped and followed her down a long, bright corridor. Curious about where she was leading him, his heart was pounding.

At the end of the hall was a tall window that looked out over the grounds and the lake. The passage was lined with paintings. McGonagall stopped at the third from the end, glancing at it before focusing her attention meaningfully on Teddy.

He turned to looked at the picture. Two people stood on a rocky seashore, looking out over the water. The woman had bright pink hair and was wearing all black; the man was tall with graying hair and a rather shabby brown jacket, his arm around her shoulders. A crescent moon was high above them in the night sky. Teddy moved closer, his face inches away from the canvas.

Minerva took a step back, letting him take his time, swallowing the lump that had formed in her throat.

Teddy had seen his parents’ names on the memorial plaque inside the Great Hall, along with all the others who had given their lives fighting, but _this_... this was different. He hesitated for a moment before asking his question. “Do they — do they ever turn around?”

McGonagall looked at him sadly. “No. It’s not a talking portrait. But it’s them.”

He looked back to the painting. “Thank you. I don’t have many pictures of them. This is — _thank you_.” His voice cracked.

McGonagall gave him a moment, and then spoke again. “I’m sure you’ve heard a lot about how brave they both were. Your father also had a very calming presence. If Remus lost his temper, it was usually for good reason. He was an excellent teacher.”

Teddy nodded, his throat tight.

“Your mother was an extremely talented witch. She always spoke her mind — I never had to wonder what Nymphadora was thinking,” she said with a smile.

Teddy smiled at this too, relaxing slightly — she was not the first person to say that about his mom.

Professor McGonagall hesitated. “It was always very clear that they loved each other. It wasn’t fair, what happened to them. Right after you were born. They deserved more time... with you, with each other.”

Teddy looked at his feet, and Minerva put her hand on his shoulder. “Goodness, I’m sorry. Enough of that. At any rate, now you know where you can find them. And please let me know if you need anything, okay?”

He looked up at her and nodded, smiling. “Thank you, Professor.”

***

**October 3, 2009**

After Teddy finished dinner, he found an excuse to take a detour on his way back to the common room. He had been by the upstairs corridor every day for the past two weeks to look at the painting of his parents.

Every time it was a little different. As the moon waned and waxed in the sky, the couple moved too. Sometimes they were sitting, the man looking out at the water, the woman’s legs stretched out across the bench, leaning back against him with his arm wrapped around her. Another time they stood and she was hugging him around the waist, her head tucked under his chin.

Teddy always stared longingly at the painting, willing them to turn around and talk to him, or even just to _look_ at him. But they never did.

Tonight, when Teddy reached the end of the corridor, the moon in the painting was a brilliant perfect circle in the sky. The pink-haired woman was sitting on the ground, leaning against a large gray wolf who was by her side, her hand tangled in his fur. The corners of Teddy’s lips turned up when he saw them like that, and he swallowed hard, letting out a strange noise that sounded something like a gasp and a sob and a laugh all at the same time.

He took a deep breath, running his fingers over the canvas. “Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.”

Teddy walked over to the window and looked out at the full moon over the grounds of Hogwarts. They’d been here. They’d walked these halls while they were alive, and a part of them had never left. Just like a part of them was still with him.

He’d never had the chance to really know them. They didn’t have enough time together for Teddy to remember anything at all. But he had their stories... and not just the ones that Remus recorded in his journal. He’d heard countless tales over the years from Harry, Hermione, and the entire Weasley family. Kingsley looked in on Teddy from time to time and recalled his parents fondly; he, along with Arthur and Bill, all claimed that they wouldn’t have survived if Lupin and Tonks had not been there in the entrance hall with them to meet the first wave of Death Eaters who had infiltrated the castle. Their resistance and bravery in that moment had made all the difference in the ultimate outcome of the battle.

Their lives had mattered, and their deaths had mattered too. They were not forgotten by those who knew them, who loved them, who fought alongside them. And now he had this spot, here in the castle, where he could look at their painting, and the moon out over the grounds, and he realized that he could _feel_ their presence here. They were together, at peace, watching over him.

Teddy smiled and took one last long look at the pink-haired woman and her wolf, and then turned around and walked back to his friends.


End file.
